Sky ā Love Song
File under guilty pleasure. I was at the dollar store yesterday and this came on the PA and I was singing in the aisles. Oh, I wish I could quit you, late-90s pop.
Omg. YESSSSSSSSS šš»
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Sade Olutola

ellievsbear
Not today Justin

Andulka
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ē„ę„ / Permanent Vacation
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

Product Placement
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Sweet Seals For You, Always
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Kaledo Art

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dirt enthusiast
KIROKAZE

titsay
ojovivo
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

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@beccarue
Sky ā Love Song
File under guilty pleasure. I was at the dollar store yesterday and this came on the PA and I was singing in the aisles. Oh, I wish I could quit you, late-90s pop.
Omg. YESSSSSSSSS šš»
I had a miscarriageĀ Monday.
Iām sure some of you remember our first baby was through IVF--Iām pretty familiar with things being painful and not easy...so when we recently conceived two and a half years after our IVF baby was bornānaturally and āaccidentallyā (without even trying) I was in disbelief. I couldnāt get past how easy it actually was/should be for couples to get pregnant. It was too good (and free!) to be true. But it happened to us, which was just so absolutely bizarre feeling, but like in a good way. After an appointment at the doctor to confirm it, we began to tell family and a few close friends and coworkers. It was around 8 weeks at that point. Seemed like a safe time to slowly let the cat out of the bag. Other than the whole IVF part, our first pregnancy was pretty flawless (until the end when my blood pressure was off the charts), so I wasnāt too worried about complications. This time around I was having nausea, but I never got sick which was a huge improvement over our first time. Before, I was constantly sick. This time it all just seemed so easy. I was so much less sick this time, there were mornings I briefly forgot I was pregnant. But then my new voracious appetite reminded me. I had to eat every hour and a half or two hours before it felt like my stomach was imploding. Iād get so hungry Iād start to have anxiety and panic. My snack drawer at work looked like the snack aisle in the grocery store. I was a few days shy of 11 weeks when I had to go in and do routine blood-work (since I was a geriatric pregnancy this also included a test to see what the sex was). It was last Friday and actually it was my birthday. Nothing was amiss. After work we went to a baseball game with my sister and her partner. I was still slightly nauseous and absolutely famished feeling all the time. After a bucket of nachos and ice cream I felt pretty good. When we got home that night, I noticed a slightly jarring amount of blood when I used the restroom. It somewhat freaked me out, but at the same time I spotted on and off during my first pregnancy and nothing had changed on that part for this new pregnancy. The next day, Saturday, the bleeding was less so, and I wasnāt too concerned. I still felt nauseous and had the appetite of a gremlin after midnight. Sunday morning came and I was still spotting more than usual but I just still was not that concerned. I did start googling miscarriage symptoms and people expressed cramping and severe pain and blood clots. I was having none of those things. Plus, my pregnancy app told me the baby was a size of a lime so if I passed it due to a miscarriage, Iād surely know it. Sunday early evening came, and Iāll admit here and now that my hackles were somewhat raised then that perhaps my body was rejecting this pregnancy. I wasnāt hungry. I wasnāt nauseous feeling. It was almost 630pm and I hadnāt eaten since breakfast and I just wasnāt hungry whatsoever. That was not normal. The next day, I woke up around 330 in the morning to some cramping. I used the restroom and was alarmed at the amount of blood I saw. I burst into tears. This was it. I knew it. I tossed and turned and could not fall back asleep. I got up and got ready for work earlier than usual. I showered, dressed, put on a little makeup. All while cramping harder and harder. I called the after hours line for the obgyn group at the hospital and got a person right away. I explained I thought I was having a miscarriage and why I thought that and said I didnāt know what to do. The woman who answered was kind and told me to call and leave a message with the doctor on call and they would promptly call me back with advice. I hung up the phone and went into the living room to turn on the local news for background noise. As I was standing there listening to the dayās weather forecast I felt what I knew was the baby passing through me. I carefully walked back to the restroom and it horrifyingly was the the baby in some kind of sack. I was 11 weeks and 1 day along. I cried out āYou stupid little thing, why did you come out!ā And started shaking. I stripped down and was completely in shock at the amount of blood. Once I was able to slightly stabilize, I left a message for the on call doctor who did immediately call me back. She advised if the bleeding wasnāt under control to go to the emergency room but if I was comfortable with the amount to wait and come in during office hours. It was bad, but not unmanageable. With me wearing a depends. If I didnāt have any leftover from my first pregnancy (for after delivery purposes) I donāt know how I would have managed to leave the house. My husband came home from work right away and we left for the doctor. The office hours were technically 8am but I suspected the doors opened at 730 and I was right. I explained to the front desk worker what had happened and she began to figure out when they could see me. She was able to get me slated for a 930 ultrasound to confirm there was no heartbeat with an appointment immediately following with the doctor. What we feared was true: I had had a miscarriage. It seemed so unbelievable. I felt so good this round and we were so close to the 2nd trimester. I just could not believe it. The doctor was concerned with the amount of blood Iād lost and examined me and said he wanted me to have a procedure called a D and C (to clear out the remaining blood and tissue) right away. I didnāt even know what this procedure was. I had to be hooked up to an IV and put under on an operating table for it. The whole experience was so surreal and Iām honestly going to to be processing it for a very long time. The OR nurse was absolutely exceptional and compassionate. Before we left, she wrote down her personal cell phone number for me to call or text if anything came up. I was floored. I keep constantly forgetting there isnāt going to be a ānewā baby. They have the results of the sex, I so badly want to call and find out but then like, obviously what would the point be. I was a wreck emotionally earlier in the week and just when I feel stronger (I usually never cry) I just completely breakdown. I do blame this morningās breakdown on an episode of āQueer Eyeā though. I hate being cynical, but I just knew this āeasyā pregnancy was too good to be true.
Look at how much my kid has grown! š± (at Color Me Mine)
Does anyone remember when Chanel would have that nail polish color contest?
**Ha ha, aw this was in my drafts? But why? But also...anyone remember? Seventeen magazine? The dayssssssses.
Dude. I completely resent the fact this is a flagged post. Da fuqqqqque Tumblr? I also resent how young and pretty I look here. Hmf.
My mood, like, everyday.
No one prepares you for how fragile you will become when you become a parent for the first time (and other things I learned).
Iām a pretty selfish person, or I was until the birth of our daughter. Now I have this little person who somewhat resembles me that depends on me to feed and clothe them, and I do it without any thought. She shit on me the other day and I wasnāt even mad, just removed my shirt and changed her while wearing just my bra in the next room like a boss.
Sleep is pretty much a thing of the past (for now, Iām told this part gets betterāit does, right?). I lean over to make sure sheās still breathing more often than I used to check the messages on my cell phone (thatās often AF by the way).
Iāve accidentally become a hermit and Iām working on that. I am going back to work so regardless Iāll be forced out but right now itās hard. Contrarily I long for the sun and find my self standing in the backyard when I let the dogs out, sun soaking in my sweatpants.
Breast feeding is not natural. āTheyā make you think that itās the easiest thing youāll do as a mother. Itās awful. Itās been a month and we still havenāt mastered it. My mantra went from ābreast is bestā to āfed is bestā.
How did anyone take care of a newborn before the Internet? I have Googled the following in the last 48 hours: my babyās breathing; how to tell if newborn has diarrhea; how to tell if my baby has gas pains; gas pain symptoms; when is newborn not considered newborn; when can you travel with baby; can babies wear sunscreenāyou get the idea. I would be calling the pediatrician every 30 minutes if I didnāt have a smartphone and the Bump app.
I used to joke that I had no soul because practically nothing could make me cry. Now Iām a leaking hot bag of salt water. Anything from the St. Jude commercials to the look on my babyās face when sheās about to go on a crying jag because she hates how cold baby wipes feel on her bum nearly send me in a teary tizzy. Itās an odd feeling having all this emotion. I wasnāt even that filled with emotion while I was pregnant, now Iām a shit show.
People try to give you unsolicited advice. Itās annoying for real. I have always lived by the 'I do want I wantā slogan so these unwanted bits of advice and info go in one ear and out the other. Which is not to say I donāt seek out advice from anyone, but dude, donāt give me your advice or opinion unless I seek it first. Cuz yeah, I do what I want.
That saying 'a baby changes everythingā is legit. Nothing will ever be the same. I hope as she gets older and gets to know me she actually likes meā¦
Ha ha, aw I was so sweet.
I just caught my dog chugging apple juice out of a sippy cup.
Iām like, equal parts horrified and fascinated.
Also, my kid is basically an adult now and Iām still a terrible mother šš»
Have you ever felt so depressed that you feel just a tiny bit euphoric?
Oh, hey. Iām back šš»
Brief life update on how I'm a terrible mother.
Last night the baby was fussing and kicking and squiggling around while I was trying to button up her pajamas. So I started singing at the top of my lungs in this weird voice I like to do: PLEASE STOP MOVIN SO I CAN PUT ON YOUR FUCKIN JAMMIES The baby flat out laughed at me. So I sing: YEAH YOUR FUCKIN JAMMIES She keeps laughing. So I proceed: YOUR FUCKIN JAMMIES YEAH FUCKIN JAMMIES
Six month photo shoot was yesterday morning...how is she growing so fast? Wasn't she a newborn yesterday?
Taylor-Jane is 5 months old! Her new favorite activities include: blowing raspberries, splashing water in the tub and laughing šš³š§š»
A girl and her pugs
Sometimes we get dressed up even when we have nowhere to go!
Tomorrow Little Girl is officially 4 months old. I don't know where the time went (it's still August to me) but she's growing and changing so fast I can't keep up! She's in the 80th percentile for height and weight...I have a feeling she'll be towering over me before she turns 14 š³