not to be crazy or anything but i exist only for you š¤Ŗ

if i look back, i am lost
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Janaina Medeiros
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@beepdee
not to be crazy or anything but i exist only for you š¤Ŗ
having a favourite person is having your whole world focus shift. You are constantly in second person writing about them, to them, for them.
brooooo oops ig this one is a frfr fp this time (itās 8am and you havenāt replied to my texts so i am now 3 shots deep listening to when youāre gone by avril lavigne)
wooo are you guys ready for mental illness whack a mole šŖšŖšŖ
gonna cancel loud angry songs for enabling me when iām in an episode
i literally donāt know if iāve gotten worse or better but it doesnāt feel better
little miss wants to absolutely destroy themselves from the inside out
i have tried almost every drug and none of them actually shut my brain up in the way theyāre meant to
relapsing after being the longest time clean you ever have been is actually heartbreaking, fuck you im sober for adding a little star when ur at ur longest streak
the happiest iāve ever been in my life is still like cripplingly sad, just like not bad enough for it to be a mental illness thing
just normal sad is the best i ever am and i hate it
the shittiest thing about bpd is needing to apologise for things you genuinely canāt control without expensive therapy and treatment
like i get it and i will never make excuses for the ways iāve hurt people but itās so hard to apologise and tell people you will never do those things again when you canāt control it
there is no solution and the people around me have every right to be upset and they deserve apologies it just hurts
i wish so badly that i wasnāt like this
nothing is worse than being abandoned because of an illness you canāt control that revolves around a fear of abandonment
first time in my life iāve genuinely regretted relapsing this is awful
throwback to when i thought i was getting better- spoiler alert i did not
the worst kind of sadness isnāt the manic suicidal kind where you are actively trying to die, thatās the most dangerous but definitely not the worst
the worst is the giving up and letting yourself live but feeling like youāre rotting from the inside out, the feeling of becoming more hollow by the day
i am becoming sm more paranoid that everyone is plotting against me and i keep seeing things out the corner of my eyes and my brain is trying to convince me im in a simulation made to torture me
this isnāt fair itās not fair itās not FAIR