Living in New York I have faced my fair share of problems. Emotionally, overall mentally, physically, from social life, dating, work life, to my education. But one thing that generally every single decision I have made or reasoning behind an issue has notably revolved around one main source, money.
I live in a city where money is flaunted carelessly. Luckily I have good friends with amazing connections and I often bounce from 'exclusive' clubs around the city with bottle service for not a single dime emerging from my pocket. It's amazing. However, it's sickening in the same aspect. Generally all clubs within New York City follow a trend and having a business oriented mindset forces me to focus in on it. I once overheard a man next to me on his way to a club I frequently go to say to his other friend, "let's go here, it's only 5k a table instead of 10k at (insert other club I go to all the time here)." I was blown away. These people truly are fooled. But are they? You buy into the image. Clubs within Manhattan and I'm assuming majority of the world are 80% promotional and 20% actual buyers. The promotional portion would be me, the young, tall, skinny girl and her girlfriends who appear naive, young, and fresh. We're upscalely offered on a platter for the buyers and are almost expected to put out as we are there for free. Do I disagree with this mentality? Not necessarily. I see the benefit of going to a venue such as these versus going to a strip club and going home with no one or buying a prostitute and not having a story line leading up to the sexual encounter.
I've been in the city now for about 5 months and my personal encounters within clubs has been quite interesting. I went through a slut phase where I once made out with 6 different guys in the matter of 2 hours in the same club. It was empowering, hilarious, and care free. I never regret a single thing I do. I will post a blog that goes more into detail I think of my sexual exploration and the ups and downs of it while being in the city, but trust me, it's been a roller coaster. Side note none of these men knew I was transgender nor have I ever approached a guy first, ever.
But with all of this being said, it's ironic. There has been times my bank account has had less than 10$ in it, yet here I was looking like a million dollars dancing with models and popping bottles. So glamorous. It is all a facade. I know and knew where I came from and never was attempting to 'fool' anyone. A guy I once was with didn't believe him when I said I came from nothing. He thought I was a typical upper east side wealth baby partying it up in the city, when in reality we all know I'm a little more complicated than that. I often walk the streets in my fur coat and heels as homeless people beg for money as I'm sure they assume I have money to be giving when in reality at that given moment my worth is more than likely even less than there's, I'm just better at putting myself together.
Most recently the even that has confirmed my level of brokeness has been me slaving away working for myself and being independent and my already on my shitless terrible uneducated piece of shit boss not paying me for my last two weeks of work while I started classes today. I haven't had food in two days. I have plenty of books to buy. Transportation for the job that doesn't pay me. I'm partially going insane. Yet I don't crack.
With all of this being said, I've been highly contemplating 'the easy way out'. I've dipped my feet in the 'sugar daddy / sugar baby' world but it hasn't been successful for me really as obviously I'm still struggling. But sometimes I can't help but think I truly don't deserve to live the way I nonchalantly do. I think my biggest personal issue is I'm terrible at accepting help from people. I'm also very well at downplaying the level of seriousness of how bad my life situations are and don't really talk to anyone so of course with the put together appearance and giddy personality people assume I'm fine, but I'm not.
One of my best friends is a gay for pay male escort. At first he talked down upon the idea of me ever entering at the field but the more he realized of my situation and the more he learned about my mindset the more he told me I should possibly take it into consideration. I'm a type of person that can have sex or make love. There's a defined boundary. Sex is an object to me. I don't find it a big deal. I can act as if it's intimate, but it can be worthless to me. That's probably the main reason why I think I could get away with escorting and keep my sanity. Obviously it's not an ideal field but when your options are limited it's kind of looking more ideal than dying off.
It's not a question of morals, just more do I want to take the 'easy' way out? It's certainly not easy as it is very draining of the soul to some, but as I said I think I'm a pretty strong minded person to the point I could . I've tried to low paying bitch work and it hasn't been very kind to me, obviously.
Sorry if this post has been rather 'dark'. I'm not looking for help or comfort. When I made this blog I promised myself I would share every aspect of my life if it was potentially beneficial to helping someone, that includes the ugly. So here it is.
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