I was fresh out of a long term relationship when I met you.
We had quite a few things in common and you were something new, something different. We started dating and as expected everything was great and sweet. From clubbing nights at your venues to 5 am diner munchies to 6am amazing drunk sex.
I had no complaints from this little fling we started to have.
The months started passing by and the lies started happening. The flirtacious text messages with other woman as if I wasn't in the same room as you typed them. The heart-eyed emojis sent to your former mess around before me wasn't "disrespectful" to you. It went from pictures of you two together at your venues after you claimed she was the one on to you, to you changing her name on your phone 3 times.
"You were too busy with her"Â she said.
So there I thought to myself;Â this is no longer something I should be putting up with, we had a good time, I should end it here.
You didn't want to let me go. You apologized, little did I know that you invented the word "Sorry". You took me out to dinner and we ended up having amazing makeup sex totally disregarding the fact the day I dumped you I dumped my birth control pills, too.
So there we were a month later in the waiting room. They called my name and I took the most nervous piss I have ever took in my life. 5 minutes later I found out I was expecting your baby and we weren't even together.
We're not even together.
He lies to me about his whereabouts with his friends, he lies about not having communication with his former mess around, he flirts around with women as if hes not walking around calling me his girl and now I'm pregnant with his child.
The nurse asked me if I wanted to set an appointment for my first prenatal visit and I said no. When I walked out and told you the news your eyes lit up and a smile spread flat across your face.. I couldn't believe you. I asked you if you were crazy, told you I couldn't keep the baby seeing how we didn't even work out and you told me I was going to hell if I didn't keep the baby. Little did you not understand that what I have gone through with you since then is exactly what I had pictured I was gonna go through.
I was a wreck for that whole week. I couldn't have gotten an abortion even if I had wanted to. I knew what I was getting myself into but I had told myself if I was responsible enough to have opened my legs I was responsible enough to take care of the outcome..
You said you would change.
You said you would get a job.
You said that you would do better for the family we had created.
The months started passing and my belly was getting bigger.. we found out we both had the Sickle Cell Trait and we were forced to attend genetic counseling to learn of this disease we had never even heard of.
I chose to get the Amniocentesis done at 4 and 1/2 months and during the procedure we found out the sex.. "It's a girl.."Â
2 weeks later at 5 months pregnant you let me go by myself to find out the results of our child. I had to witness the uneasiness of my doctor's face and flat out hear how our child picked up the 25% chance and that she would indeed be born with Sickle Cell Anemia type SS..
You were not there to hold my hand.
You were not there to comfort me.
You weren't there to hold me up during one of the most heart wrenching moments I shouldn't have had gone through by myself.Â
That's when everything started crashing down.
You were in the club Thursday to Sunday.
Out of my monthly prenatal visits you never came with me to none and out of all the sonograms I was having you only had attended three. I fell into depression and thought about committing suicide because I knew I was definitely doing this alone. The more I read about this horrible disease my daughter was going to be born with the more I felt guilty. I wanted to end my life because I felt like I was going to bring her into this world to suffer and I didn't want to see her suffer alone. They gave us books to read and while I educated myself in every way possible you never bothered educating yourself.
I then started having sonograms every 2 weeks because they detected a white cloud over her lungs and I was told there was a possibility she might have had a tumor.
You weren't there either.
I recovered from the depression I had fell into with the massive support I was getting from friends and strangers on Instagram when I expressed my daughters results and my allover guilt. It truly is amazing what the power of support can do. I picked myself up only to go into my second depression after finding out you were talking to another woman, again.
Facebook messages
Instagram 32 week old pictures
Kik
Text Messages
and the ipod texting app when you didn't have a phone.
The sad part is I had to hack into all 5 of these things.
You had me eating and drinking my tears as breakfast, lunch and dinner until I ended up in the hospital for depression. It took for them to threaten me that if I couldn't get myself together they would take my daughter away from me when I gave birth.
When you left to Louisiana for the rest of the pregnancy it was like a breath of fresh air, just a few days before you left I had found you writing to your former mess around, again.
"Babe"
"Baby I called you"
"Babe you wanna go smoke?"
Smoke? Really?
"Why all your friends keep telling me to get with you," she asked.
"We were meant to be LOL" was your reply.
And there I was penguin walking around your house, your mom teaching me how to cook as I cooked for your siblings while you were away. I was disgustingly still waiting for you to change and you were still doing me grimey.
You came back from Louisiana for the baby shower with nothing to show for your time being away. Just the same words over and over again. "I'ma change, I'm not gonna lie to you anymore, I'm serious"
On my due date you didn't come with me to my last prenatal appointment (of course) so you didn't get to witness my OB pop my water by mistake while checking how many centimeters I was. You didn't get to witness me trying to penguin speed-walk to the train and having to stop at the Mcdonald's bathroom to stuff a load of tissue in my undies because I was a walking water fountain..Â
I went into labor and after a failed attempt at natural birth I was rushed for a C Section and there she was.
And I silently cried.
Not because I heard her cry but because a rush of flashbacks came across my mind of everything you made me go through carrying your child. The nights I cried myself to sleep while you slept fine getting drunk at a bar or texting someone else. The days I went without feeding myself and my unborn child because I had no appetite after finding out yet another disrespectful act. And there you were next to me and I didn't understand why I still expected something sweet from you..
A kiss.
An "I love you Jen.. you did a great job."
~
As everyone and myself also thought that once the baby was here you would change, I was baffled for having thought so positive of you. I got released from the hospital 5 days later and you helped bring the hospital bags upstairs and to no surprise 5 minutes later you left. Said you had to take care of your siblings at home, only to attend a bbq with your friends.
And there I was at home, crying from the pain of having ripped two stitches from the inside of my incision. I cried as I struggled in pain when I tried to get up to breastfeed your daughter every 2 hours. And to be honest I don't know what hurt more, the physical pain of my incision or the emotional pain I was feeling.
I gave you so many chances and stood by your side thinking you would change after the baby got here, as many people also thought. Only to receive the ultimate slap on my face.
There I was all summer, raising my daughter by myself, as you continued your night life and met another girl. Still today you deny her complete existence and your friends used to chime in on how she was really trying to make shit seem how it wasn't but you can only stretch out a unorganized lie for so long, especially with a girl who lied for you. I witnessed myself the type of girl that she was and although she apologized still today I don't even know whether you fucked the chick or not.
Do you know what it felt like to be at home every single day waiting to see when you would acknowledge me? To think about the job I was doing raising our daughter? To notice how I looked like a fucking owl due to those sleepless nights by myself and there you were taking professional pictures at the club with her, holding her hands and dancing to the new Romeo bachatas that I was dying to finally get a chance to dance to at a night out with you.
I witnessed those same friends that went with you to chill with her come to my house the next day smiling in my face talking about "Sis, you changed my bro, he loves you, you're the best girl he's ever been with". But you can't hate the player, you gotta hate the game right?
I witnessed yet another woman calling you "babe" and you calling her that back, you lied about having stopped communication with her, you lied about everything.
I witnessed your selfies with her like the ones I once used to take with you and the text messages of you two talking about bbqs and chipotle dates and asking her if she missed you 5 minutes after we had sex.
You gave a complete shit about me but you would still be asking for chances you kept throwing away.
I witnessed you make your friends block me on their pages when I was putting two and two together.
I witnessed all the subs she put whenever I made sure she knew you was still kissing me at my feet.
I witnessed the nights you didn't come home while I was at your house waiting for you with our daughter.
I witnessed you play me. Had the chicks number on speed dial. And still on my own birthday I gave you the last chance that you begged for and you went and ruined it by going to her job with your friends every weekend.
Lies or physco activity you really had me deal with another woman. All because I wanted this "family" of mine so fucking bad. You bashed her name so much just like you bashed your former mess around just to prove me other wise each time. Not even when I ended up in a hospital bed from the most painful blood and kidney infection you came to see me, instead you went to your friends daughters 2nd birthday with her.Â
The mere fact that your little sister rubbed my belly while I was pregnant more than you did says a lot.
The mere fact that you have lied in my face and watched me try to work things out with tears in my eyes and not ever feeling sorry says a lot, too.
I brought in the New Year forgiving you and I let you go.
In my heart I wasn't ready to forgive you but I forgave you, and I forgave her too because what goes around comes back around.
This year when our daughter underwent her first pain crises, you didn't bother staying with us in the hospital.
Not only were you not there for me, but you weren't there for her. I caught a stomach virus and begged you to come to the hospital at 1am because if the nurse found out I was sick I would have had to leave Delilah alone to not risk passing the virus to her. Do you remember your response? You said you couldn't leave the club and I had to hold in my throw up until my mother came at 4am. Thanks for that.
I cried every night for those 4 nights that our daughter was admitted because I couldn't believe how you really chose your nightlife over your family during the time we needed you the most. You chose the club over me every single time. You spent the year apologizing and saying you would change..but you didn't. I accepted that this was the person you were.
Late July you started buying me flowers, woke up early to get me breakfast, started coming to see your daughter more frequently instead of your once in a blue visits. You showed you were actually trying 2 years and a half later but it was already too late in my heart. There was no reason that not only as a woman and as your child's mother that I had to go through the malicious things you did to me.
The self esteem I used to have you took away from me.
You ripped my heart out of my chest every time I saw you out or texting other women. A thousand times you did me grimey and a thousand and one times I still waited to see if you would change.
How could I have been so hopeful towards a man who showed me by his actions that he didn't give two shits about me is the question I ask myself everyday.Â
How could you lie to me and then use sex as an apology? How did you sleep okay at night? How do you disrespect someone and then have the nerve to tell them you love them?
I cannot explain the way you have made me feel, as a woman.
To feel worthless.
To feel that I wasn't ENOUGH for you.
To feel that not even my daughter was enough for you to change either.
I cooked for you.
I washed your clothes.
I was your rock.
and nobody could have messed that up for you but you.Â
I was there for you more than anyone else ever was, despite what you put me through.
You embarrassed me in front of your friends, and mine too.
Now almost 3 years later,
the mention of your name puts me in a bad mood.
I have trust issues now, and I feel like anyone I give my heart to is gonna try to play me.
Two months and a half ago I decided to privately try to move on and you went crazy. Now for the past 2-3 weeks or so you have flaunted your next girl.
I pity any woman you ever come across with in the future who doesn't leave you when they see you for your true colors, the way I didn't.
A man who didn't change for the own family he created, even knowing we have to have a second child in the future for our daughter's transplant as a cure for her disease. Nothing was enough to keep you home.
It's crazy how no matter how much emotional damage you have caused me and misery you have bought me I'd probably still be the only person there for you at your lowest.Â
I'll always be stuck between regretting you
or thanking you for making me become the strong independent woman I am today......
