[004] → the one where he might still love you tomorrow
Things continued as usual when Justin left. They had to.
Adam knew he had no choice but to go on with the show, throwing all of his emotions into pulling off the best Finch anyone had ever seen. He could hide away most of the time, but he still had to see his friends sometimes and at least act like he was okay. No matter how much some of them claimed they could see through the smile and wanted to remind him they were there for him, he knew none of them truly understood. Not in a dramatic 'you'll never know love like this' kind of way. Justin wasn't simply his boyfriend - he was his best friend, and he'd fucked up all of it. Sure, Justin might've been the one to run away, but Adam could've run after him. He should have run after him.
But he hadn't. And now it was too late, because there was no taking back the harsh words, the anger, or the conflict. Plus, Justin was on tour, as busy as the rest of them, and undoubtedly having a lot of fun with the rest of the Toursies. That was good, in Adam's mind. He wanted Justin to be happy. He just wished that happiness didn't have to stop including him.
He withdraws as much as he can without constantly worrying people. Brielle and Sadie already seem concerned enough, and he tries his best with each passing week to convince them that he's fine. It works perhaps a little better than it should, even if they still check in on him more than they probably realize.
He doesn't keep up with news of the tour, and he doesn't want to. All he wants is to let himself believe that Justin's happy. There's no reason for him not to move on with his life. So many great opportunities have headed his way, and Adam decides it would be silly to think Justin hadn't started progressing past nostalgia.
For the most part, Adam likes to think that he's doing better than he was for the first few weeks after he got mad and Justin walked out of the apartment. Truthfully, he is. But that doesn't mean things are great or that he's constantly calm or that he's aware of the fact that he now grabs Justin's favorite jacket more of then than he grabs one of his when leaving for the day.
Every day, he makes sure to keep himself busy, no matter how monotonous the tasks. The last thing he needs is to pause and catch his breath, only to remember there's no Theo to feed or that he has one fewer friend to surprise with lunch at his or her theatre.
Around one in the morning, the actor's tucked under his covers, almost completely unconscious. He tries to get to bed early, and since he lives alone now, there's not really anyone to keep him up late on work nights unless Toby manages to rope him into doing something one evening - which is precisely why he's so confused when his phone rings. Well, his tiredness helps with that, too.
For a minute, he fumbles with his phone, only to see that the caller ID is blocked. Normally, Adam wouldn't accept such a call, especially not at 1am. But he's too sleepy to give it much thought, and instead slides the bar and greets the caller with confusion.
There's no sound on the other side of the line, and just as he prepares to repeat his question, his phone goes silent, and he plops it on the nightstand with a sigh before passing out again.
There's not really time for him to think about it until the next evening. For all he knows, it was just a cold caller. That's a pretty likely answer, especially since there wasn't even a phone number to make him believe it was simply a misdial.
But when the phone rings again later that evening, around the same time of the first one, he knows it's not a coincidence, and so he picks it up. If it's not a cold caller, and it's not a friend with a late-night emergency, who surely would've been shouting through the phone, Adam can think of only one person it might be. Maybe that's because it's the only logical response, or maybe it's because it's who, in the recess of his mind, he secretly hopes is on the other end.
Maybe there hasn't been clarity, and maybe there never will be, but the thought that he might not be alone in his confusion is the slightest bit comforting, even if he does want Justin to be happy.
He takes the chance to ask if it really is that person, despite knowing that, if it is, he won't get a response. Still, the words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them, and once the call is silently ended again, he lays awake in the darkness for a few more hours, considering where he really wants his life to go.
----
It seems a little ironic that he gets into the things Justin always encouraged him to do once the other man's no longer there to badger him about them. Perhaps it's his way of making sure he knows he hasn't forgotten his friend. No matter what his reasoning, he starts to be more active on social media; he's nowhere near as dedicated as most people, but he starts Tweeting at people more often and posting silly pictures rather than simply encouraging his friends to do so. The only part of his life he has to hide from the public at this point, aside from his anger issues, is the pain he feels in knowing Justin's not returning and the guilt that fuels it.
So, even if he doesn't let himself look at any of Justin's accounts on purpose, it's not entirely surprising that he sees the video.
Yet he doesn't watch it. Instead, he concedes to leave it for another day. A day when he's better prepared to watch the face he knows so well, singing to a crowd he made no attempt to be in.
----
The tweet catches his eye as he's doing a quick and lazy scroll through on the Twitter app when he gets up in the middle of the night. He does a double take before seeing who the message belongs to, and immediately chastises himself for returning to it once he discovers the truth, even if he couldn't have known what to expect.
Adam's all too tempted to tweet back how he loves him, too, and include some silly jab like so many of Justin's other friends or costars did.
But he can't. He can't do so because he'd be telling the truth.
He's still completely in love with Justin, yet he knows he'd be foolish to think the feelings would remain mutual.
----
The only people he's told about the possibility of moving on from How to Succeed once his contract's up at the end of the season are his parents and Brielle. The latter he didn't really mean to tell, but in a moment of wanting to tell someone and realizing all too belatedly that he no longer had a roommate to update, he let the young woman know when they were out getting coffee together one afternoon.
On the whole, he's improving. He's worked to convince himself that Justin's tweet was for his sister or something, and he's really trying to move on with his life. Adam's a little happier than he ever expected to be again, and a callback just boosts his steadily ameliorating spirits.
That night, as he gets in bed with his laptop, ready to scroll aimlessly through the internet, he somehow finds his way back to the video. This time he presses play.
----
One of his friends is the understudy for Gerry in Beautiful, and when it's announced that Jake's taking a week off before returning for the last few months of the show, Adam promises to go to see it one evening. The musical is fantastic, as is to be expected, and he knows he's going to have the songs stuck in his mind for quite some time now.
But, out of all of them, one of the songs sticks out more than the rest, and when he posts a picture of himself with his friend, Peter, along with Jessie, which was taken backstage that evening, it's no coincidence that he captions it "I'd rather spend it being close to you."
He wonders if Justin will understand the caption doesn't really have anything to do with Peter or Jessie or their show, aside from that it's a direct quote from the musical.
----
The season ends and Adam's signed onto the new show. It's an original work, but fortunately a theatre is in the process of being secured, and everyone's busy practicing and tightening up lines, lights, and everything in between so they can get this show on the road (figuratively, of course, since the ultimate goal is Broadway, not a stop in Nebraska).
He really loves his new role and all of the people around him, and is beginning to realize that this really is a new start. The only difference between this and what the term evokes is that he hasn't shed the past in favor of the future; he's just trying to figure out how to build upon one with the other.
Justin will be done with the tour by now, though Adam's not sure what he's done since. There's still that song with Jacob Kemp he hasn't listened to yet, and probably countless other things Adam didn't stumble upon on social media. But he doesn't really know if Justin's okay or even in New York City, and he wishes he did. At the same time, he knows it's probably best that he doesn't.
Instead, he focuses on investing himself in the new show, and posts a few silly candids from rehearsals. One of which ends up being a selfie of himself making a jokingly dramatic face and dressed in athletic gear after one of their reviews of several harder dance moves. He captions it, "I'm grinning, 'cause this game might just end well." It isn't until hours later that the later lyrics from the song resonate in his mind: if I might just be the man who's meant to be with you forever. You never know.
Quickly, he pushes away his more melancholy thoughts and gets to making himself a small dinner before crashing the night.
----
Adam's not the only one with a new show. Justin's been signed on for Pippin - his dream show, which Adam finds out belatedly. He's incredibly proud, not that he'll ever express such a sentiment.
He's not Justin. He can't just call his past best friend in order to hear his voice, no matter how much he wants to. The prospect of Justin picking up is too frightening, because even if Adam is an adult, he's insecure and easy to spark, and worries that his nervousness will set off a chain of unwanted occurrences.
Again.
Because no matter how furious he'd been with Justin for not telling him about the various options he was considering, rage had never been at the center of his reactions. That had all been a result of his personal fear. The fear Justin would change his mind about them and leave. The fear Justin would realize how much better he could do. The fear Justin would be repulsed by Adam's inability to control his anger sometimes and decide it was best if they were 'just friends.' The fear Justin would cease to be his best friend at all.
Now Adam knew he had caused a few too many of those to come to light, and there was nothing he could truly do about it.
----
It's stupid, really. Childish. But he does it anyway, because despite all of his great old friends and wonderful new ones, along with how well everything's going with the show, he can't forget the past because he cannot get himself to feel differently, no matter how hard he tries. And when he's in the midst of brushing his teeth and Summer Nights begins playing from his phone, Adam doesn't think twice about his decision.
Three nights before his new show is set to open, he goes to see Pippin. It's amazing, of course, with all of the Fosse elements he'd been told about and a rather enchanting narrative. The title character holds his attention a little more than it should.
Going backstage is too large a request for himself, and going to the stage door is a silly idea, altogether. But he can't leave without doing anything. At this point, he's come to far to turn back. Part of him feels proud of how improved he is, while another part thinks he's ridiculous enough for being so full of internal debate when it wasn't like Justin wanted to hear or see from him, anyway.
Walking over to the maintenance area after getting backstage thanks to the invitation of a girl he was somewhat friendly with who worked on the show, Adam asked for an envelope and fished a magnet out of his pocket. Kind of a silly thing to share with someone, but everyone in the cast of Grease had been given a fridge magnet with a quote from the show on it as congratulations after their last performance at school, and Justin and Adam had both on display on their refrigerator at home. All he writes is Justin's name on the envelope, before requesting someone hand it to the man in question, explaining that he has to scoot. They agree and he thanks them, before hurrying nervously out of the theater.
When he returns to his apartment that night, he's one fridge magnet short, but he feels like he's finally taking larger steps toward getting his life back in order.