A neural network invents diseases you don’t want to get
Science fiction writers and producers of TV medical dramas: have you ever needed to invent a serious-sounding disease whose symptoms, progression, and cure you can utterly control? Artificial intelligence can help!
Blog reader Kate very kindly compiled a list of 3,765 common names for conditions from this site, and I gave them to an open-source machine learning algorithm called a recursive neural network, which learns to imitate its training data. Given enough examples of real-world diseases, a neural network should be able to invent enough plausible-sounding syndromes to satisfy any hypochondriac.
Early on in the training, the neural network was producing what were identifiably diseases, but probably wouldn’t fly in a medical drama. “I’m so sorry. You have… poison poison tishues.”
Much Esophageal Eneetems
Vomania
Poisonicteria Disease
Eleumathromass
Sexurasoma Ear
Allergic Antibody
Insect Sculs
Poison Poison Tishues
Complex Disease
As the training got going, the neural network began to learn to replicate more of the real diseases - lots of ventricular syndromes, for example. But the made-up diseases still weren’t too convincing, and maybe even didn’t sound like diseases at all. (Except for RIP Syndrome. I’d take that one seriously)
Seal Breath
Tossy Blanter
Cancer of Cancer
Bull Cancer Spisease
Lentford Foot
Machosaver
RIP Syndrome
The neural network eventually progressed to a stage where it was producing diseases of a few basic varieties :
First kind of disease: This isn’t really a disease. The neural network has just kind of named a body part, or a couple of really generic disease-y words. Pro writer tip: don’t use these in your medical drama.
Fevers
Heading Disorder
Rashimia
Causes
Wound Eye
Cysts of the Biles
Swollen Inflammation
Ear
Strained Lesions
Sleepys
Lower Right Abdomen
Degeneration Disease
Cancer of the Diabetes
Second kind of disease: This disease doesn’t exist, and sounds reasonably convincing to me, though it would probably have a different effect on someone with actual medical training.
Esophagia
Pancreation
Vertical Hemoglobin Fever
Facial Agoricosis
Verticular Pasocapheration Syndrome
Agpentive Colon
Strecting Dissection of the Breath
Bacterial Fradular Syndrome
Milk Tomosis
Lemopherapathy
Osteomaroxism
Lower Veminary Hypertension Deficiency
Palencervictivitis
Asthodepic Fever
Hurtical Electrochondropathy
Loss Of Consufficiency
Parpoxitis
Metatoglasty
Fumple Chronosis
Omblex's
Hemopheritis
Mardial Denection
Pemphadema
Joint Pseudomalabia
Gumpetic Surpical Escesion
Pholocromagea
Helritis and Flatelet’s Ear
Asteophyterediomentricular Aneurysm
Third kind of disease: Sounds both highly implausible but also pretty darn serious. I’d definitely get that looked at.
Ear Poop
Orgly Disease
Cussitis
Occult Finger
Fallblading
Ankle Bladders
Fungle Pain
Cold Gloating
Twengies
Leukopenia
Loon Eye
Catdullitis
Black Bote Headache
Excessive Woot Sweating
Teenagerna Vain Syndrome
Defentious Disorders
Punglnormning
Cell Conduction
Hammon Expressive Foot
Liver Bits
Clob
Sweating,Sweating,Excessive
Balloblammus
Metal Ringworm
Eye Stools
Hoot Injury
Hoin and Sponster
Teenager’s Diarey
Eat Cancer
Cancer of the Cancer
Horse Stools
Cold Glock Allergy
Herpangitis
Flautomen
Teenagees
Testicle Behavior
Spleen Sink
Eye Stots
Floot Assection
Wamble Submoration
Super Syndrome
Low Life
Fish Poisoning
Stumm Complication
Cat Heat
Ovarian Pancreas
8 Poop
Cancer Of Hydrogen Bingplarin Disease
Stress Firgers
Causes of the ladder Exposure
Hop D Treat Decease
Diseases of the fourth kind: These are the, um, reproductive-related diseases. And those that contain unprintable four-letter words. They usually sound ludicrous, and entirely uncomfortable, all at the same time. And I really don’t want to print them here. However! If you are in possession of a sense of humor and an email address, you can let me know here and I’ll send them to you.
