Jon wondered if he should say something, explain why he felt the way he did, tell Ben that it was okay to not see the things he wouldn’t even accept himself until this all blew up on his face… But ultimately he didn’t. Instead, he simply let Ben finish, he let the boy get all of that off his chest without saying a word, although his piercing blue eyes were locked on the other’s the entire time.
And then, when he thought everything was finally over, Ben had the nerve to ask what he was thinking… And oh boy, was he thinking stuff.
“What’s on my mind? Well- I thought we were perfect for each other,” he started, not really caring about the consequences of this, since he had already lost everything he had ever wanted from Ben to begin with. “I thought I was going to help you through your issues and in the end, when you were finally okay, you’d realize you love me too. So I can’t help feeling betrayed, I can’t help feeling like Barrett stole you from me after I am the one who’s helped you get this far, like he took one thing I wanted the most and I will not be any less hostile towards him in the forseeable future… But I will get out of your way because I refuse to be the kind of sore loser who’s gonna lose his shit over a boy who won’t love him back.”
Was that too much? He didn’t know. Ben’s eyes were sad, watered, his were dark and tired. There was no way they both would go back to normal soon, but at least baring their feelings like this was a step in the right direction.
“… But I am also tired of feeling this way. And I am sorry if this means I’m putting space between us when you probably need my support, but I’m done hurting for sucking up for your sake. You have Barrett to help you through now.”
When he’d asked Jon what was on his mind, Ben wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. Before all of this had happened, he always thought that they’d both been pretty open about sharing their feelings about things. He’d always liked that about Jon. But he never realized just how much his friend had actually been holding back until now.
As Jon put all his feelings about them on the table, Ben wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about what he was hearing. “So... you thought you could fix the damaged boy and he’d fall in love with you?” While he was sure his friend had the best intentions, it struck something. “My heart doesn’t work that way, Jon... I-I’m not a prize for the person who’s spent the most time helping me. I mean, I get it. I do. You feel how you feel. But please don’t think of me that way.” Maybe he was taking it too personally, and he knew he was probably misinterpreting things but it still hurt a little. “I know I can’t stop you from feeling that way about him, I know better than anyone that feelings can be... irrational but taking it out on Barrett isn’t fair.” The last part he said more to himself than Jon. The whole thing just made him a little sad. He loved them both so much (albeit in different ways) and Jon’s animosity towards his boyfriend would continue to cause his heart to ache. Ben looked at him with sad eyes. “We’re not perfect for each other. People who are perfect for each other don’t cause this kind of pain.” He’d been referring to himself, but a small part of him thought it went both ways.
“If you think that’s best, then I’ll give you as much space as you want. Ya know, short of actually leaving again. I’m done with running.” Ben paused for a moment after Jon told him he had Barrett to help him through now. He went through a million different things he wanted to say, but nothing would’ve come out right and he probably would’ve just struck a nerve that didn’t need to be struck right now. “So... this is how it’s going to be for a while then?”
