"You see, my Dad hosts this nature show...
And my mom shoots it. Ok, so we’re not that average…”
No, Eliza Thornberry, you’re not that average. You can talk to animals, which is really cool but totally secret. And you know what else? Life will never be the same. But let me ask you something. Your dad’s nature show. What’s the deal with it?
You see, out of all the memories I have of The Wild Thornberries, I can’t recall ever hearing your father talking numbers. I work in TV, and I can tell you everyone talks numbers. How were the viewership ratings of Nigel’s show? Was it popular? Was it more like Steve Zissou, where it was, at one time, popular but interest had sort of been waning for years? Is Nigel an international zoologist sensation or just some guy with an orange mustache and camera?
What did his episode order look like? It seemed like every episode you guys were filming another show in some new exotic location looking for some new creature to feature. Clearly it must have been a tall order, with multiple seasons in place, otherwise you wouldn’t have been on the road all of 91 episodes.
Also, if your parents were so busy filming this nature show, who was teaching you kids in the meantime? Certainly both you and your sister, Debbie, would be required by law to have some sort of on-set education. Darwin always seemed smart with his dapper striped tanktop and his British accent, but… he’s a monkey. I can’t imagine he’d make a good teacher unless he was teaching you how to be a monkey.
And, wait… what even was the name of your father’s show? I can’t recall. And I would remember. I’m good at remembering that kind of stuff. Was the name of the show “The Wild Thorberry’s?” No… I don’t think so.
Eliza, I’m not accusing anyone here but…
…was it all a lie? Was the whole show some elaborate lie your psychopathic parents wove to keep you kids out of conventional civilization? While you guys ran from jungle to jungle, was there something or someone you were running from? WAS THERE EVEN TAPE IN YOUR MOM’S CAMERA!!!?
This has been keeping me up at night, Eliza. Things just don’t add up to me.
Here’s how I think it is, and I pray this is just my imagination running wild (no pun intended): you live in the jungle with your two schizophrenic parents who think they’re the stars of some strange animal-themed television show with an unlimited episode order. They’re so crazy they let you keep a wild monkey in a tanktop and a feral jungle boy as pets. You constantly put yourself into life-threatening situations because you’ve convinced yourself you can talk to animals to cope with the pressures of your psycho parents and their dangerous eccentricities.
Please, Eliza, run. Run for your life. You’re in danger! Take the Rugrats with you! I fell asleep before the ending of Rugrats Go Wild. For all I know they could still be trapped on that island with you guys.
Eliza Thornberry, wherever you may be, please seek help.
Matt Bennett, on behalf of the Nickelodeon family.
Also, do you realize your father is Tim Curry?
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