I don't know why but I get really annoyed sharing my bf with everyone else. It's difficult being away from him even if its only for 1 week. I can't imagine doing long distance any more. I don't think it's for me. I can't even handle him being away for a week! I know it's pretty sad. I use to be okay with it, but I have my guards up and some bad memories come up along with it, and I end up just getting paranoid.
I understand he loves helping people in Colombia, but deep down I feel really unhappy. As much as I want to support him, I don't know if I genuinely am happy seeing him go there multiple times during a year. It scary to let him go, because who knows what can happen. The last time he went, it was almost the end of us.
Part of me feels like this next trip to Colombia in April will be almost like a make it or break it situation. And he wonders why I sorta despise Colombia, because that's how I see it. He wants me to go with him in April. As much as I want to go, I also don't feel ready to go. Something deep down hinders me. I don't know what it is. And I have a feeling if I don't go, and he ends up going...I think something bad will happen and that will be the end of us. *sigh*
I know I'm overly attach to him, and I'm extremely insecure. It's just really difficult having your bf or gf in a different country with whoever is slowly cozying up to him. I just can't tolerate that because sometimes people just don't know boundaries or they just don't care of hurting others.
Also worried because he seems so attach to his work, which is a good and bad thing. Before marriage is even considered I need to figure out if I really want this to be regularly part of my life. It's emotional roller coaster for me and I don't know how much of this I can handle. I adore how he wants to help everyone, but it scares me about how much he will focus on his family and friends. Even though he mentions he can keep it balance, but still people change over time and making other stuff priorities. I just don't want to be in a situation where I'm a wife taking care of children and clinic while he's off half of the year in a different country. That's not going to work for me.
I wish I can completely share his passion, but as of right now my priorities lie somewhere else. I also realize I don't have to go out of country to help people. As long as I contribute somehow it still counts. What matters is if I put my heart into it. So even if I don't go to Colombia, it's not like I don't understand what your experiencing. As I said before I have been to worst places than Colombia, and I know how some people live. I'm sure I can connect despite being there or not.
I wish I can be more supportive. I try my best, but its hard because there is a scar that comes with it. And every time he talks about Colombia, especially coming right from the trip, and he's like making plans for another trip...its annoying!!! I just want to say Why don't you just MOVE THERE! lol
Obviously he has nothing to worry about while he's there because his mind is constantly busy and people are always praising him and want to be around him. Whether he admits it or not, he gets the attention he wants. He doesn't have time to really worry about this petty situation on how the other person must feel trying to wait patiently for him to return back home. I think he would only realize if he was in my shoes.
I hate giving him grieve over this, but it's not easy sitting and watching while someone you care is of in another world with gazillion girls trying to get into his pants. Okay I'm exaggerating, but I'm sure that's partly true. At least that was slightly the case when he says girls are chasing him all the time over there. UGGH BACK OFF!
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