but the words wouldn’t come out

what can’t be said

[betweenthepillars]

Hit me

With every punch, every smack

With every word, every scorn

Break me

Till there is nothing left

I did this

No one else

I did this

I won’t flinch

I won’t argue back or try to defend myself

I did this

Yes I could say, my mental health affected me

That I should of realised sooner

Listened to professionals and looked after myself

But I didn’t

So for me it’s not a defence or even a valid reason

We are both hurting

We are both damaged

[betweenthepillars]

I wish I was strong enough

I so badly want to be strong enough

But right now I’m not and I am struggling to deal with that

In fact I don’t want to deal with it

[betweenthepillars]

I don’t think I’m

Strong enough to carry on

I’ve hurt too many people -

Myself massively in this

I don’t know who or what I am anymore

I look in the mirror and There’s nothing there just a body nothing else

I didn’t really used to like the person in the mirror - I struggled with who they were

Now there’s no one there not really

[betweenthepillars]

I’m trying not to cry in front of people

So I’m in the bathroom trying to hold it together but failing

Because it’s a week ago

And everyone here is smiling and happy from the wedding and their lives

And I can’t say how I feel

I have to put on a front

But today I can’t

Of all days I can’t

I tried to walk away earlier but couldn’t because I had nowhere to go or couldn’t get there because the road was too narrow and cars were zooming along it

I have no friends

I can talk to about this all

My

Family

Don’t understand not Really

I don’t think anyone does

Maybe because I don’t explain it well or that it doesn’t make sense

[betweenthepillars]

I want a time machine.

Because I have not only hurt you but I have hurt myself

Now I have nothing left

And I deserve that

And I still love you

And I don’t deserve that

Neither do you

Nobody does

[betweenthepillars]

I have destroyed the one thing in my life that made me happy, that really gave me hope, that gave me and I gave love to

[betweenthepillars]

[betweenthepillars]

Positives about my day:

I showered and had tea

I was able to verbalise/write some of how I am feeling

Negatives about my day:

I struggled to communicate effectively

I mopped around

I will try to get these down along with other things as well everyday

[betweenthepillars]

I feel better because I know what j need to do

And it will be hard and very very difficult

I lack the money to change things

So I will end up in a difficult place

But I need to make a big change because if I don’t I won’t grow

[betweenthepillars]

I love her

When I think of her I smile

[betweenthepillars]

I’m going to go soon. Leave and find someonewhere else. Start again. Fresh waters and, I hope, changes. I can’t keep going like this. The holiday is coming and while it will be good to be back, all the memories all those I let down all that could of been, I was better then.

And even this weekend and week, people will be around me and trying to make sure I’m okay but I will be so alone. I don’t want them there. I just to drink to forget.

[betweenthepillars]

He’s dead and I don’t care

Not fully not deeply

Because that’s life and it’s shit

But that is how it is

And I can’t say that to anyone

[betweenthepillars]

Darkness outside the window

Blue and rich with flickers of blackened shapes and artificial light stream out in the night

Yet no light on inside, the filament has burnt out and no one has replaced it

They just hope it will fix itself

[betweenthepillars]

You want a reason?

Just look in the mirror

[betweenthepillars]

The anger is coming strong again

I can’t seem to stop it

Nor do I want to

[betweenthepillars]

I’m sorry

I know he’s dying

But I still can’t get down there without a lift

Because though you sent money to help - it’s not enough.

Not enough because of this fucking country

It’s not enough for me to get there and back....

And that makes so angry

But a close second is the way that everyone says I should go. How do you think I’ll get there - by fucking walking?!

I’m fucking poor. I’m waiting for the day that people come knocking on my door asking for money. And that will happen soon.

So what do you want me to do?

He will die and I probably won’t see him til the funeral. And that’s probably the truth.

I just had enough.

[betweenthepillars]

You see this, all of it.

Well yeah, I’m done.

Fuck it, I’m done.

Fed up of the lack of direction

Lack of hope

Lack of anything that connects to worth

Cos this has made me feel worthless

Without anything

And all I get is a smile

And a brief thank you

So you know what

I’m done