Because the patriarchy has made sex about men dominating and asserting power over women, which can be shown in rape culture and in purity culture, all my fantasies about having sex with men is them being dependent on me even though I'm not on top. I'm still a virgin, yet I already have such a toxic view about heterosexual sex. For me, having sex with men is all about revenge and fucking the system. Finally, switching the roles, even if it's not feminist, it's toxic and it's no way to enjoy sex. Especially that I always preach sex positivity, breaking society's standard of what a good sex life is. To me, sex is just one of the many desires that humans have in order to survive. We can have sex without reproduction, but then, it becomes about satisfying needs, giving and receiving pleasure, so I'm not proud of myself.
To make the matters worse, my fantasies are mainly about fucking cis, straight, white, man. Men who think they're dominant, men who take pride in oppressing people in order to be on top of a social hierarchy, which I didn't realize for a while, and thought I had internalized racism.
I began to wonder why I find myself sexually attracted to white men more than any other race or ethnic group of men. I thought it was internalized racism that I had to unlearn, but it didn't make sense in my head because I had a prefrence for women of color, until I was watching Fleabag, and it all made sense.
In the 2nd season of the British show, the main character finds herself sexually attracted to the priest who was going to officiate her dad's wedding, so she went to a therapist.
The therapist told her that maybe she didn't want to fuck the priest but wanted to "fuck God", and it clicked.
I thought to myself, what if I don't wanna fuck cis straight white men? What if I want to fuck the system? Maybe having sex with a white man that leads to him being emotionally dependent on me (which is one of my many fantasies) is all about my hatred and resentment for a system that white people and men set to oppress women of color like me. It was all about the toxicity of control. Showing them and proving to them that we can be hot, we can be feminine, we can be delicate, we can demand respect, we can be dominant, we can have bodily autonomy by telling you to stop, and we can have control on when you cum by making you beg and cry.
That's what I mean when I say that I love submissive men. I don't mean naturally submissive men, that's not fun.
I mean training a macho man with toxic masculinity to be my slave. Assert power.
Shows you that it doesn't matter how powerful you think you are, I WILL break your ego, in order to stroke mine.
However, it is COMPLETELY different when it comes to how I view women.
I'm a feminine woman who has a preference for feminine women, which means there are almost zero societal instructions on how the relationship should work, so I freestyle. And I think that's how ALL relationships should be.
Social hierarchy shouldn't affect your romantic/sex life, even though it probably will, and no one's guilty of that, but the people who set the system up.
While I do have a preference for a certain type of woman, I don't think it's that racially motivated. Maybe I just like melanin because white skin hurts my eyes (I'm not joking or being colorist, I'm photosensitive, and pale skin is reflective of light, so it genuinely just hurts my eyes).
Which led me to compare my relationship with white women vs. white men.
White women make me feel neutral.
My 1st gf ever was a white woman, and I'm constantly crushing on white women. I don't have anything against them or for them. They're just there. Looking pretty, being women, saying gracias in Vietnamese restaurants, but they're chill. Most of them try their best, but the best type of white women are the ones who try so hard to unlearn internalized racism knowing that they're gonna fall short and being fine with that.
In my next post, I will probably talk about the nuance of "racial preference".
