Being alone and loveless as an adult feels like being picked last in gym team sports, only you don’t actually ever get to play the game. You just watch everyone else play. You are happy for the people who are having fun and playing the game, and you cheer them on from the bench. And you try to convince yourself that you’re actually not a sports person and you want to be sitting on the bench. After awhile, though, you realize you have to believe that, or you’d never survive. For awhile, it may even be true, but not for long.
Before you know it, you’re in your 30s and you actually like who you are as a person. You’re a genuinely good person who cares about other people and you’re a great friend to have. You keep yourself busy so that people think you are successful, not lazy. You work 3 jobs, go to school full time, and have a social life, all while making it look effortless. You keep your heart open to love. You try the apps, you try to go out and meet people, you try to have your friends hook you up. That doesn’t work so you get a dog so that when you walk through the front door, someone is there to greet you and be excited that you’re home.
Your best friends try to cheer you up by convincing you that you just haven’t found your person yet, and anyone would be lucky to have you. It feels like bullshit.
But here’s the thing. You also have depression. So you sit in your depression apartment with dirty dishes, trash, dirty laundry, and clutter and you say to yourself, “This is why you’re single. Who would want to be with someone who lives like this?” You forget to eat, though you have a food addiction and a BED. Your best friend starts randomly asking if you’re okay and you genuinely have no idea what she’s talking about because of course you’re okay! Look at my cute dog! Look at my college degree! Look at my 3 jobs! I’m so successful and busy and look how happy I have convinced myself I am!
But then you realize she’s looked concerned more and more and you start to question if she sees something you don’t. Whoops, looks like your depression and loneliness have been masking themselves as workaholics while simultaneously making you the laziest you’ve ever been.
You know you need therapy, but you can’t afford it. And you’ve had terrible experiences with multiple therapists. You can’t even find a decent therapist who will actually care about what you have to say when you give them money to do it. What makes you think you’ll find someone who will fall in love with you for free?
So you bury your nose in romance books and when your brain starts to remind you that you’ll never have that, you tell your brain, “AH AH AH! Nope. Here’s another book. Forget reality, this relationship is cute!”
Then one night, at 3am, you’re watching TikToks and you look up and your brain, without permission, reminds you how alone you actually are. That you’re no one’s choice. No one’s priority. No one falls asleep thinking of you. No one has dreams about you. No one daydreams or fantasizes about you. No one wakes up wanting to hear your voice or see your face. No one wants to hold you. No one wants to comfort you when you’re sad. No one wants to make you laugh. No one wants to be in love with you.
While you’re surrounded by incredible people and your best friend is a soul-level best friend, they’re married. Both of your best friends are. They have their people. They have someone to come home to. They have a reason to leave you alone.
So while you know that you’re “not alone” per say, you are very much alone. The loneliness eats at you until you’re forced to look at it, no matter how long you’ve been ignoring it. It taps you on the shoulder and forces you to look at the game from the bench, wondering when it’ll ever be your turn.
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