Napansin ko na halos 2 weeks na din akong di palipat lipat ng social media platform and I guess it’s a good thing. Parang kahit papano, nasagot na yung everyday boredom ko hahaha. Bago kasi ako mapunta sa kung nasaan man ako ngayon, para akong kitikiti na hindi mapakali. Hanap nang hanap sa di ko naman mawari kung ano nga bang hinahanap ko. I’ve talked to different people everyday and that drains me a lot, dumating pa ako sa point na sinabi ko sa sarili ko “last na to tapos papahinga na muna ako”; but now I don’t see myself wanting to go back to those platforms, not because I was tired or fully drained from it all, I just don’t need to. I’m at a place right now where I feel at ease. I’m not craving for something unexplainable anymore. Hindi na ako bored. At masaya sa pakiramdam. I’m just hoping and praying that it continues to be like this. Na kung panaginip man to, dito na lang muna ako.
...everyone that's important around me seems happier than I am.
They said I look happier, something they've never seen for quite a long time now. They said I'm glowing, that maybe this is finally it.
And I smile because they're happy for me, but I don't think this is it.
After days of talking and the moment I met him, I can sense that he's a nice, genuine guy. I enjoy his company and I like being around him. He doesn't seem performative. But somewhere between our conversations and our first meeting, I realized something that everyone else seems to have missed... I don't think he sees me that way; maybe not yet, maybe not ever. To be fair, he never said he doesn't yet he never said he does either. And after everything I've been through, I've learned not to fill silence with hope. I've learned not to mistake kindness for intention, or consistency for affection. I've spent too many years writing endings that only existed in my head.
So this time, I'm choosing not to assume.
But here's the problem... I know myself hahaha.
I know too damn well how my heart and mind operates. Give me consistency. Give me kindness. Give me someone who remembers the little things, who makes space for me in their day, who feels safe to be around... and somewhere along the way, without even realizing it, my heart starts building a home.
That's what scares me.
So now I find myself doing something strange, odd maybe, or stupid at best hahaha. I'm trying to enjoy the present while gently reminding my heart not to run too far ahead. I'm trying to appreciate the conversations without imagining what they'll become. I'm trying to let someone be kind without convincing myself it has to mean something more.
I've learned to wait for love to introduce itself before giving it a name. So until he tells me otherwise, I'll simply be grateful that after a long time, someone reminded me that I can still laugh this much.
I'm just hoping my heart gets the memo before it gets ahead of me.... again.
Met my work besties over brunch. Kain then chismisan lang sa Podium hahaha finally nakumpleto na kaming anim. Sayang lang kasi may other agenda pa ako for the day kaya di na ko nakasama sa kanila nung nag board games sila na naiintindihan naman nila at napaka supportive hahaha.
Yung other agenda, makipag meet sa taong nakausap ko 2 weeks ago sa SM Megamall hahaha. Tawid lang yung layo nung dalawang mall eh hahaha so go na. I just realized that this was my first time meeting someone up so medyo kabado tapos nandun yung fulfillment kasi naging multo ko to for years due to failed planned meetups. It was fun. We watched Odyssey then played archery.
Eto yung mga kaibigan kong once a year ko lang makita hahaha swerte na yung twice or thrice a year dahil busy na din naman sa life. Nakakatuwa lang kasi kahit bihira lang magkita or kahit magchat, parang wala pa din pinagbago yung bond naming tatlo.
Pwede bang paggising ko ay Sunday na? Hahaha excited at kinakabahan na eh. Palapit nang palapit, pabaliw naman ata ako nang pabaliw kakaisip sa mangyayari nun hahaha.
Sabi ng mommy "oh ibenta mo na yung electric keyboard mo" and I'm like nooo hahaha. Di ko ibebenta yun kahit di ko na halos nagagamit at di na nadagdagan alam kong tugtugin dun. Nag aantay lang akong sipagin, babalikan ko ulit mag aral dun. At the same time, mag aaral din ako pano mag gitara kasi matagal ko lang naman gusto bumili ng guitar pero I don't know how to use it yet.
Tapos same day, after 2 hours of purchasing the guitar, nilibre naman ako ni ate. Nagpanails kami hahahaha early birthday gift na daw nya sa akin. So paano na aaralin tumugtog? Pause muna hanggang sa alisin yung nail extensions? Hahaha
But the nails do look good. Lumabas yung girly side ko, tanggal angas konti hahaha.
Sabi ng mommy "oh ibenta mo na yung electric keyboard mo" and I'm like nooo hahaha. Di ko ibebenta yun kahit di ko na halos nagagamit at di na nadagdagan alam kong tugtugin dun. Nag aantay lang akong sipagin, babalikan ko ulit mag aral dun. At the same time, mag aaral din ako pano mag gitara kasi matagal ko lang naman gusto bumili ng guitar pero I don't know how to use it yet.
Nakakatuwa na kahit tatlo lang kami, enjoy na enjoy kami sa mga pinaggagawa namin hahaha. Dapat talaga sa thrillscape ang punta kaso tinamad na kaya sa mega na lang naglaro.
Talking to my friends about the prayers I included everytime there is someone new that I met and talked to then they pointed out "bakit iba na prayers mo dyan sa bago?", at tama nga sila. For some reason, naiba na yung prayers ko. Kung ang sinasabi ko dati ay "kung hindi siya para sa akin, please help me see it and do everything in Your power to remove him from my life" tapos ngayon naging "kung siya man na, please give me a sign like a call or voice message created just for me from him" then the next day, it happened. I don't know. Nakakatakot na maging hopeful pero sige isusugal hahaha
Ang aga namang birthday blues nito next month pa birthday ko, or baka hormones lang or maybe I’m just fed up and drained from talking to different strangers and ended up cutting off the communication or getting ghosted every week? I don’t know. Maybe I need a new hobby? A new sleep schedule? O bagong utak na lang para naman tumino tino ng konti and probably avoid the things I know I should avoid. Ay ewan hahaha.
Iba lang din talaga yung ngiti at saya ko kapag nakakatanggap ako ng voice recordings na alam ko nirecord para sa akin. There's something special about it.
Naalala ko, a few years ago, I'm emotionally not okay kasi kakagaling ko lang sa breakup tapos may isang blogger dito sa Tumblr na hindi ko sya nakakausap talaga. We just exist in each other's dashboard. I enjoy reading his posts but that's just it. Tapos nung time na di ako okay, ang daldal ko dito hahaha and nag message sya. Nangamusta ganyan. Asked if I have a tg account and I said yes. Tumawag sya just to sing, a few minutes of singing just so I can calm my nerves and be able to sleep. And there's something about his voice that calms me down at that moment. We never talked afterwards, we never even became friends, I think? But I appreciate that gesture. Sumunod na di ako ok, ganun ulit. Nag message sya, asked if I have tg, kumanta sya, then that's it. Sayang lang kasi nag deact sya. Don't know if he created a new account or what but those little things he had done, I appreciate it a lot.
Even my exes, nung nanliligaw sila, they used to sing while playing the guitar. Wala, masaya lang yung ganun. Nakakadagdag pogi points hahaha.
Ngayon ko lang narealize na kahinaan ko pala yung magandang boses hahaha. Like, iba yung epekto nya sa akin. At first, I thought I'm attracted to deeper voices kasi parang iniimagine ko kapag kumanta ay maganda din but naaah iba din pala epekto kapag cute yung boses hahaha. Ang hirap iexplain pero mukha namang normal speaking voice nya yun pero medyo slang sya sa tagalog tapos ewan ang cute cute lang pakinggan even the laugh hahaha. Even this person na heavy yung Ilonggo accent nya, I just love listening to their voices. There's something unique in every voice of every guy I've talked to na nakakakuha talaga ng attention ko. Lalo na kung mahilig kumanta, himlay na lang talaga hahaha.
Medyo sinasaltik na naman ako nitong weekdays hahaha. Mainit ulo na parang pagod na pagod na parang tinatamad sa lahat. Kaya eto, nag me time muna kasi feeling ko maaaway ko mga kasama ko sa bahay kapag di ako lumabas.
Di ko din alam ano pumasok sa isip ko at nagpakilay ako, parang mas naging matapang itsura ko o di lang ako sanay? Hahaha pero sige pwede na din, nakapag Starbucks naman eh. Pistachio lava oatmilk frappe and pistachio dream bar, saya saya na naman at ilang linggo na ako nagccrave dito pero di ko mabili kasi feeling ko di ko pa deserve nun?
