Huess.

The fight never ends, it’s just the beginning.

[blackss-whitees]

You’re just a vague dream now.

A fight or flight response of the remnant of you I can’t erase. A shadow, a figure that has its hands wrapped around me a hug I can’t shake off.

You choke and cause me to stop breathing.

I feel like a thing chuck under a bed waiting to collect dust.

A discarded pile waiting to be donated off and away, yet there’s hope and lingering feelings, not because I want you back.

Just some sorta assurance when we shared was real will do.

So I could breathe properly again.

Is this why you still kept our videos and photos?

Why don’t you delete them, because I can’t do it.

I saw how you loved me.

I saw how you rejected me too.

Between to two emotions, I still love.

I still love you.

That’s why it hurts. Everything hurts when it’s about you.

Yet I still love you.

[blackss-whitees]

2023.

At your house, lying beside you, dying to know how your lips felt like. “What if we kissed I said to myself.”

Fuck it, she said.

She leans into me, consuming me and it was… the best kissed I ever felt in a long fucking time.

I got on top of her, a mix of shock, a mix of want, a mix of a long lust for her defying everything. I kissed her neck both left and right, I got lower and lower I remember I looked up… I asked “ tell me to stop or tell me you want it..”

I know I’d went for it. I stood still..,

Waiting for the answer.

Tell me you want me…

She said “ no… I’m… not ready.. but would you cuddle me to sleep?”

I froze, stopped. Laid back right beside her…

I spooned her, while she voluntarily grabbed my hand and place it against her bare breast and slept soundly.

I froze badly.

Part of me.. enjoyed the moment while I can.

While the other half, felt like it’ll all go away… again.

[blackss-whitees]

“You have the permission to let me go. “

I closed my eyes, and I pictured a scene of us, once upon a time. So much love, so much weight, and my notes seem to say “my chest is tight and heavy.” I imagine a moment I caress your cheek, held you in my arms in some form. Wipes my tears from your eyes, sworn to never leave, all it took was a call and message, you knew… I’d pick up.

I feel so weak ever time I think of you.

Everyone I love, always leaves. I am violet. She is me.

We share a similar sentiment. Emotional beings who would say “ I don’t fucking care.”

Yet… it’s coming 2 years.

I’m still right here. In pain… hurting…

And for what huh? It’s broken.

Love has failed to ever stay for me.

[blackss-whitees]

The pain will always run deeper than what I show on the surface. That fear that lurks not knowing if I have the courage to look at you dead straight without breaking is real.

No one will understand how this feels.

You’ll never understand J.

Living in my head rent free.

Every familiar gesture from another, screams you… you really fucking did it didn’t you? I jinx myself to say you’re the person I’m willing to allow to break.

I feel broken.

[blackss-whitees]

I cracked at the thought of you again.

I still tear when I think of you, this emptiness and pain.

This is why I can’t see you.

I’ll break.

I’ll break because I still love you.

I don’t know how to undo you.

[blackss-whitees]

I saw you.

I missed you everywhere despite it was been almost 3 years since our Japan trip. I found myself in places and streets where I saw you walking or sitting with me in trains, ticket purchases and food places maybe you’d love it.

I miss you.

You once said, if you saw me on the street, you’ll call out of me, I said my head would be low, cause… we broke up.

Till this day, I don’t know if I’ll ever see you for would my head be low, or would I have the courage to walk away from you that would have taken everything within me, cause I know when I think of you.

It’s not that I want you back, it’s how the anxiety and thought of you creeps in.

Maybe even an eye contact from you, I’d break. The thought of you saying you’d hug me, I missed you, lingers if you remember what you once said.

my side too stunned to hug you back. You said “dee, I missed you.” I said I had to go…” you’d run after me and hugged me tight, kiss me neck.

I saw your photo. You and him.

I hope you’re happy.

And no, you do have to run and hug me.

Just look at me in the eye, that… in all that despite it, you loved me?

Maybe… that’s more than enough of a “I missed you, Dee.”

In returned, “ yeah, I missed you back too bee. Be happy.”

I don’t know why would I think God I would ever bump into her while she’s here. I’d force myself not to look back if I see you, cause maybe you won’t want me there either.

I thought long and hard about messaging you happy birthday. It’s okay if I’ll never get a reply from you, or ever… get a respond.

I know cat would be upset with me for breaking my word. But I vow to never be that FB person I once was, and carry that amend and meant my word.

Only God would know best.

[blackss-whitees]

I know somewhere inside, putting us in the same space. I might just lost somewhere in my mind with you in it.

Whether it was a tight hug, or drowning in a kiss that God forbids. I know my weakness too well when it comes to you. My body is traumatised by you, it aches, it freezes up, it’s been more than a fucking year and still…. FUCK! I freeze up to the thought of you. Why you affect me like that?

Why won’t you let me go? Haven’t I carried enough pain of you?

What the fuck am I gonna do if you told me you miss me huh? That you still love me? What do I do with it?

It’s so hard to love like this. Especially you.

[sunsetroses43]

Oh they were STARVING

[blackss-whitees]

Maybe what I miss most about you, was the feeling of being consumed by how you once wanted me this badly.

How you’d risk kissing me, knowing we might get caught, you pulled me by my shirt. Shoving me against the kitchen wall and consumed.

It’s all in my head.

That’s all I have of you.

I beat myself to it.

So is this what heartbreak is about?

Feeling like I could let you choke me to death, grabbing your wrist while my hands are still warm before they turn cold.

Still you isn’t it? How you parade around my mind like that.

But it stings me bad.

[blackss-whitees]

Today was one of those days that you strangely pop back into my mind.

Kilig, the feeling of being unable to contained the excitement or urge to bite someone to love.

I no longer get that feeling no more, just memories of an aching chest, not the sort that makes your heart race feeling like you want to kiss someone so badly just looking at them.

I carry this endless heartache of you still.

I wish I could switch you off.

No longer about the how are you? What are you doing sort.

Mostly my thoughts, picture and video of you that stays, I’m not sure what I miss anymore. Pictures and videos that I couldn’t delete, because they were real right? In the moment…?

Do I miss you or just how you made me feel?

It’s been… a year or so now, it’s almost like I do this just to soothe myself in feeling better about all that happened.

Yet when I see two girls kiss, the thought of you came to mind. Tears would have still fall, crushing my heart, I struggle to breathe, put us in the same room, I’d kiss you to remind you, I’ve forgiven and still love you even if you don’t love me back, or hear it anymore.

I’ll fucking walk because I stayed far longer than I should, and loving you hard force me to walk and to never look back. You told me to fight for you, J.

I’d kiss you, just so I know, you’ll be okay without me in yours. I don’t know if you even think of me, but I’ll make peace with it, and that’s okay.

I know where my heart was always for you. In the end, I’m still okay.

[blackss-whitees]

This got me good.

You got me good. I know my knees would have weaken, my throat would have turned dry and I’d still look at you with the same eyes, I would have said yes.

I would have done it, so would you.

That’s why some parts of you are so hard to let go.

It ruined us in this case right? Our friendship.

My heart sank, looking at this picture. Cause that was once us asking each other before anything happened.

[blackss-whitees]

I could spend a lifetime falling in love with Stockholm.

every time it appears on my Instagram feed —

but this time, the longing doesn’t belong to you.

When I return to Stockholm,

it won’t be to trace the ghost of us

through cobbled streets and quiet cafés.

It will be for me.

For the girl who once gave away her light

thinking love meant shrinking.

I am taking back every ounce of energy

I poured into a future that never held me.

I am reclaiming the softness,

the loyalty,

the depth

you mistook for something replaceable.

This isn’t revenge.

This isn’t pride speaking.

This is clarity.

You were significant.

You were necessary.

But you were never mine to keep.

I may not have met your standards —

but I was never created to be measured by them.

I will meet someone whose love does not feel like auditioning.

Someone who sees my fire

and does not ask me to dim it.

And when I bring him to Stockholm one day,

it won’t be to rewrite our story.

It will be to celebrate a love that stays.

A marriage we once spoke about

that now belongs to a future without you.

You were my “what if.”

But you will not be my “almost.”

I lost count of the goodbyes

because I didn’t know how to loosen my grip

on something that felt like destiny.

But I do now.

I have given myself permission to grieve —

fully, honestly, without shame.

And in that grieving, I discovered something sacred:

I was never your “less.”

I was simply more

than you knew how to hold.

I loved you.

Deeply.

Without calculation.

And now, I choose myself

with the same devotion.

You will become a chapter —

not the whole book.

And Stockholm?

It will belong to me again.

[dailycaitvi]

it marks one year since caitlyn kiramman lasted the entirety of 12 seconds

[blackss-whitees]

Just a photo, word, thought of you was easy enough to make me crumble in an instant.

I saw myself on my knees, scraping up the memories I so desperately want to hold, but just as they finally fell in my arms, they instantly turned into to ashes as the wind would carry them away.

I’m still not ready to delete them all away.

I tuck them away, just incase I found myself missing you. You told me once before, to look at them when I miss you. What am I exactly missing now ? I don’t know what for anymore.

I couldn’t look at myself the way I looked at you in those pictures. Who was that person anyway?

Weighing on the idea, if I haven’t asked, I wouldn’t be hurting so much. I shouldn’t have asked you to be mine right? Now… nobodies gonna know other than me.

Thoughts with nowhere to go, and rare writings all about my ever standing grieve.

[serendipityscrible-deactivated2]

"Emotionally, I wanted to stay. Intellectually, I wanted to leave. As always, I seemed to enjoy punishing myself."

[oliviajoytaylor]

New post

creating illustrations and comics

[blackss-whitees]

Consume me.

Physically take my pain away.

Kiss me and hold me so I may forget.

One thing after another, I grab you by the chin.

Consumed by your lips. It was battle between who dominates, push and pull, push and pull…

[blackss-whitees]

Between me and you,

I know when it comes to you, I’d let you put that gun against my heart. I don’t think I can smile, I’d just look at you, swallow heart, almost like I’m prepared to die for someone whom I love who wouldn’t love me back, maybe didn’t love me back enough.

Someone said I should run, walk away.

So if I turn and you shot me… I’d understand.

Maybe I might have stood there.. take all the pain away from you if I could. But maybe it wouldn’t matter.

[remanence-of-love]