"No trust" - a Namjoon angst
âItâs hard to know the one you love the most, the one you would give your life up for⊠doesnât trust you at allâ
Youâve always had this problems with trust, let alone the true meaning of trust issues. You have always wanted people to trust you, people to get that special feeling when they think of you, and you have always worked for that. You wanted to be a good person, to help everyone around you, to be their light, to be their hope, to be the one thatâs always there for them and the one they would think about and say âOh she will listen to me and she will understand. I can tell her everything and I know I can trust her.â
But you know.. Things donât always work out the way we want them to. No matter how hard youâve tried to help, to be there, it seemed like you were not enough. You would always give yourself up for the sake of others, you would always cry yourself to sleep because of how worried you were for the ones you love. And sometimes, love, care and affection are not enough⊠Sometimes, we are not enough and no matter how hard we try and do our best, itâs not working and it might or might not be our fault, but we still feel guilty and this was your case. You felt guilty, guilty because you knew there could be more for you to do that you didnât, guilty because you wanted to be more and you werenât, guilty because you were you and that âyouâ was not enough.
You sit in your room like that, your bed on your bed, your eyes on the ceiling, headphones on, mind somewhere dark only you knew about. It was hard, being who you were, having the thoughts that you had, wishing the power you would never have. The pain was right there, murdering your poor heart slowly and not helping the never ending tears that were falling down your pale cheeks.
You wanted to help, you wanted be there, you wanted to do something, to fix things and save the ones that you love. You were worried sick and you had no idea about what you should do. Some may say this is what makes you a good person, but you didnât see that. You saw the bad inside of you, the mistake that made you feel so guilty, the thing that was eating you alive.
âI couldâve done more. I shouldâve done more. This is all my fault. I knew how he was and still⊠I acted like that. I shouldâve taken care of him better. I shouldâve done more.â These thoughts were never leaving, cutting your soul like knives. You hated who you were, you hated being like this, but you were just as broken, maybe even more. The only difference between the two of you would be that you chose to sun and leave everything at the back of your mind, to ignore and slowly forget, but he could never forget, could he? He had to suffer for everything alone. He had to lock himself up and not let anyone in, including you.
This was Namjoon. Heâs been like that for a few days now and it was killing you. He was your best friend. The one you have put your whole trust into, the one you would let yourself burn for. The one you would always let in, but would always get you out.
He was fine the last time you talked. He was making jokes and he had carefully listened to your pointless drama, but the next day you saw him in college he was completely different. Everybody knew you loved hugs and you had this tradition to hug each other every morning before your creative writing class, but this time, he was different. He wouldnât hold you with the same strength, he wouldnât bury his head in your long hair. He was cold and you felt that when he faintly put one arm around you only to make it look like he was fine.
You let it slide. Maybe he had an usual emotional crisis last night, one he would always tell you about when you were having lunch together. But he didnât. He didnât even eat. He got his sandwich out, took one bite and put it back. He loved to eat, so what was happening now? Did you do anything wrong again? Did you forget anything important? Did you âseenâ his messages without knowing. You checked and he was the one to do that, when he was always the one to always answer within seconds, so what was happening now? He would always get mad at you for the stupidest reasons, but he would also always give in because of your cuteness. He looked so lost and broken shifting his gaze from the ground to his phone. He knew you hated when he did that while being next to you. What the hell was happening that he didnât tell you about?
You cleared your throat, trying to signal you were a bit angry at his behavior as he also ignored you the whole day, but it was in vain. He was lost in his phone. You tried to move closer and see what he was looking at and as you saw a funny picture you pressed your finger on it to see it better and he moved his eyes on you, his look scaring the crap out of you. The only time you saw that look was when he was really mad at you and that didnât end up very well. He sat up and moved on the other part of the table. You were now pissed off.
âOkay, that was enough. What the hell, Namjoon? What is going on? Did anything happen?â You asked sitting in front of him and taking his phone.
He was now glaring at you and with a sharp voice he simply stated âNo.â And ge sat up, clearly a lot higher than you and grabbed his phone out of your hands. âNow that you got your answer, can I go home?â He angrily took his backpack and prepared to leave.
âWhat? No! Stay right here and tell me what happened! Something is definitely wrong and I want to know what.â You told him, grabbing his arm and making him groan.
âIâm fine and nothingâs wrong. Stop asking questions and let me go home.â He said, pulling his arm away.
You took one step back and watched him simply go, leaving you speechless. What the fuck just happened? What have you done wrong this time? You knew you would always do something bad and it would always end up being your fault as you always seemed to disappoint people. It was wrong, but thatâs what all the fights you were a part of made you think of yourself: bad and disappointing. But what did you do now? You replied to his messages, you didnât push him away or make him feel unwanted. You were usual self, but he was so different and cold. He was pushing you away again and he was building the strong walls you have worked on breaking down, up again. He was always a complicated person, but you loved him anyways. You knew him for a few years now and you grew to know him enough and break enough barriers for him to let you inâŠor at least thatâs what you thoughtâŠ
He would always have these moments of questioning himself and you would always try to help him, but it wasnât like that this time. He was drawing himself away from you and from everything you have worked on. You wanted to make him trust you as he had never trust anyone in his whole life and it seemed to work. Until now.
You shook your head, trying to remember everything you had said these days, looking for something that would look wrong or would make him get mad at you, but you found nothing.
Then why would he act like this?
You went back home, your mind still on your complicated love. Yeah, love, you loved him, and not just friendly type of love. It was more than that. You fell in love with his broken pieces and the way he made you try to glue them back together. You fell for his smart words, for the way he was and for the way he would always take care of you, even when you didnât deserve it.
So where was he now? Why was he like this with no reason? Why didnât he want to tell you anything? What was he hiding? Didnât he trust you? You kept asking yourself different questions on why would he be like this and you found yourself hitting the door of your appartment. You got in, putting your shoes aside and dropping your bag down. You called the boys, his friends and asked them if they knew anything about him and they had no clue about what could have happened. They came with the idea of going out that night. Maybe they would get something out of him and so you called him and told him about this. All he said was âMhm.â As he hang up. This was becoming so annoying already.
You dressed warmly and went downtown, where you planned to meet and hugged all the boys. Even their hugs were warmes than his the other morning. After a while he came too, his hands in his pocket and his headphones in. He didnât even pull them out to hug you, he just simply nodded his head, as a sign of greeting or whatever.
He was silent the whole way to the cafe and even when you got there. You talked to the boys, laughing at what they said and stealing peaks at him from time to time, but he was looking at his phone, just like he did today.
You sighed in annoyance when you got out, preparing to go somewhere else and finally turned to him.
âWould you please tell me what the fuck is happening to you? Tell me whatâs wrong and donât push me away, Namjoon. I care about you and I want to help! Tell me at least what Iâve done wrong so I can fix it!â You said, your face getting all red.
âIâve already told you nothing happen. Iâm fine. Now just keep going. Iâll go home as soon as my bus gets here.â He said trying to avoid talking to you.
âWait what? Are you leaving already? Fine my ass! Tell me what happened! Now!â You yelled, pulling his hands out of his pockets âTalk to me!â
âWould you please just let it go? I said Iâm fine. Now go and have fun with your friends. Just let me like this and get over it. Nothing happened.â He said looking at you. His eyes killed you. He was so lost and it was driving you insane that you didnât know the reason behind all his pain.
You grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the boys, thinking it was something he couldnât tell you in front of them.
âNow that weâre alone, you can answer my questions. Tell me what Iâve done wrong this time.â You said putting your arms around your chest.
âIâm not mad at you, Y/N. Youâve done nothing wrong. This is my problem and I have to take care of it myself. Itâs not about you, donât worry.â He told you, giving you a fake smile. Not even his dimple was showing.
âSee if I believe it. Your problems are mine too, so I need to know what problems I have so I can fix them, right?â
âThis is not your problem, Y/N. Just let it be, please. Understand this is about me and myself. Iâm the one that needs to fix this. You have nothing to do with it.â He said, trying to leave again.
âTell me the problem, Namjoon. You know I wonât let it go. I care about you too much to do that and I want to help you. Please let me help you and understand whatâs happening.â
âI donât understand it myself. I donât know myself, so how could you even do that?â
âBecause I know you and I want to help. What if I can? Stop pushing me away. â You said coming closer and trying to touch him. He took a step back.
âIâm not pushing you away. You seem to be the one too busy to talk to me. Now just let me go home, please. Iâm missing my bus.â He said trying to leave as fast as possible. Why was he trying so hard to get rid of you?
âNamjoon.. Donât you trust me?â You asked him, looking deeply into his eyes. They were looking away from yours.
He took a few seconds to reply and then sighed. âHow can I trust you when I donât even trust myself? Now please forget we have ever talked about this and let me be. Iâll be okay tomorrow and everything will be back to normal.â And with that he left, leaving you alone again.
He didnât trust you. Even after everything youâve tried, even after how hard you have tried to show him you cared, to show him he could trust you, even after all the bad and pain heâs seen, you wanted to make him see he had you and you would never leave, but⊠It seemed like it was all in vain. His walls were back up, maybe they were never down. Maybe he just let you think he trusted you so you wouldnât get so much on his nerves. You were just annoying.
But to you, to you he was more than a friend, more than a crush, he was everything, he was the person you have learnt to trust, he was the person you opened up in front of, he was the one making you feel good and making you laugh, but then again⊠You were nothing to him. He didnât trust you and maybe he never did. You had no idea why and you didnât know what to do. He was everything while you were nothing.
So there you were, lying in your bed like that, your mind traveling dark places, but still trying to find a solution. You were messed up, your broken self coming back as there was no reason left for you to fight it now and as you were standing there, you asked yourself how should you fix this or if you could, but⊠there was no trust.
ââââââââââââââ-
Soooo I have no idea why I wrote this, but Iâm not exactly having the time of my life right now, so I just put what I feel into this. I might write a second part as I donât like the ending, but i donât know for sure. It depends on whoâs reading this XD
