@blink985 - Tumblr Blog

there are days, many days, where i wish the world would stop

i just want to stop feeling like i'm dying inside all the time

but i'll keep going even if it kills me

man i hate being mentally ill

i just wish life would slow down for a bit

car wouldnt start this morning bc my batterys fucked. had to walk home from work (luckily im only a 20 min walk away) but my knees bro oh my god they feel so swollen. and the whole way home i couldnt stop getting way too into my own head about petty insignificant little things and the constant self criticism and introspection and shit that doesn't even matter and like?? i thought i was over this???? wtf. and now i just feel like shit but im probably just tired and need the usual drink and weed gummy or whatever that'll get me out of this constant state of self deprecation and pity lol. i will never get better if i keep pointing out my own flaws and past fuckups and i KNOW this but i keep doing it. i dont want to be like this anymore and i want to change for the better and i wish i wasnt always so paranoid and assuming of peoples perception of me

but fuck it we ball its my mf birthday next week i dont have TIME for this shit!!! i just want to get fucking lit LMAO

#idc that i have irls who still follow this sideblog i just need to scream into the void for a bit #maybe ill finally get to writing that angsty midwest emo song thats been brewing in the back of my mind for years LOL #i LOVEEEEE repressing my feelings and not knowing how to process my emotions properly its so much fun yayyyyy!!!!!!!!!

ohhh boyyy feeling like a prisoner of my own mind once again 😊😊

#i need fucking psychiatric help /srs #im chilled out now but earlier was pretty bad #i keep getting stuck in endless cycles of thought loops and i feel like at this point i need a lobotomy #slash J LOL!!!! XD #like bro. ive been thugging out mental illness for the past however many goddamn years #bc i thought i dont need help from other people and i can “fix” it myself #and now i'm facing the consequences of my own pride and ego bc i thought i was too good for therapy or meds #ironically enough on the flipside of that it was also bc i thought i wasnt “mentally ill enough”#like it feels physically fucking painful to experience the shit that goes down inside my head #literally renders me incapable of doing anything and i just end up wasting the day away doing nothing but trying to scramble for more distra #distractions.#even after a really fucking awesome day yesterday i still get my ass kicked and verbally abused by my own thoughts 😂🙏#ive actually always had obsessive intrusive thoughts since i was like 12 and ive never rly talked about it but it comes and goes #some days im fine and some days im Really Not Fine #idk what the point of me writing all this is when really no one is going to see this #but it makes me feel somewhat better so whatever #i just feel so fucked up man and i feel like its all my fault im like this and im never getting better #and the more i repeat that to myself it feels like its solidifying itself into reality #i think i just dont have anymore compassion or empathy for myself anymore tbh #but im at least Trying. im fucking trying to be the most perfect version of myself as i could be but obviously that is never happening #im honestly so afraid of going off the deep end one day and doing something i would really regret and i dont ever want to get to that point #i just want to be a normal fucking person #i jusy want to feel okay #every time i think my life is improving my own mind seems to say otherwise #i feel actually fucking mentally sick in the head every day and sometimes i just. idk i just want it to end. but i dont want to die #my body feels like its in panic mode all the time and IM SICK OF IT #maybe if i go to the gym and try boxing it will solve all of my problems /s #i know that going to the gym would probably help but how can i fucking do that when i can barely take care of myself #i feel like i try so hard but its NEVER ENOUGH!!!#i dont want to worry anyone whos reading this and i hope youre doing okay i rly dont mean to alarm anyone

i am not supposed to be feeling fucking shitty and depressed for no reason yet here i am feeling like in trapped inside my own cage gnawing at the bars that i put in there myself

i guess i just miss the person i used to be

i have no one to blame but me for feeling this way

i dont wanna be stuck like this forever man

#sometimes i wanna quit my job and run to the woods #realistically i am not going to #im not suicidal or anything im just Yearning for something more i guess idk #i wish i wasnt like this #ill be fine tho

i genuinely do not know who to talk about this to

basically i think i have some kind of genuine trauma/ptsd from a coworker

i hate talking about this. i hate thinking about this

my body feels like its going to fucking go into overdrive and crumble apart whenever i think too much about it

and every time i see him at work i just get so fucking rage filled

but even when i get home i get so tense and my whole body freezes and i just. dissociate for a while

and its always my neck that feels like its strangling itself. why? because i feel like those times where he playfully choked me and put me in headlocks weren't just jokes. fucking piece of shit

you had no fucking right to hug me and try to tickle me and CHOKE(????!!) me every fucking day like that you fucking sick freak!!!! this whole time i felt like i couldnt say anything because i was just afraid!!!! i didnt even know why at the time but i guess i do now!!!! bro like every time he did that my body would just Freeze and i just. couldnt. say anything

i guess i didnt wanna make things "weird" by expressing my discomfort idk what the fuck is wrong with me 😭 and i HATE myself for not saying anything

and like, youre probably thinking, oh its not like he SA'd you or anything-- yeah i know hugging me for a really really long time Especially from behind isn't rly considered assault but idk man its definitely teetering on that edge

i fucking hate that dude i wish his job wasnt so important so they can fire his ass but he knows that theyll practically never fire him

god i need to stop fucking talking about him or i will lose my goddamn sanity

one more thing i forgot to add: hes stopped being physical like that with me for about a few weeks now. super fucking grateful for that but his vibes are even more rancid and i dread going to work every morning now. every time i pull into the parking garage i fucking pray to all the gods in the universe that he is not there that day lol

#why are cis straight 44 year old gay men Like That #sorry for the word vomit im crashing out hard rn #i just want to feel okay but HES ruining it!!!!!#theres more to this story than that but i dont feel like dealing more psychic damage to myself

how do i stop grieving the future when it hasnt even happened yet

i hate thinking about the inevitability of death and loneliness bro

sometimes i dont even knkw what to do during a depressive episode

like nothing rly feels worth my energy rn even if its something i enjoy

and i hate it bc im just. forcing myself to clean my room just to keep myself busy (and writing this ofc, i like to keep track of my mental illness lmao) but im not having fun and i wish i was!!!

guh

im ngl i miss my manic episodes where i felt like i was unstoppable but that just might be bc i was like 20 and more addicted to caffeine than i am now 💀

#i wish i could get lost in something like i used to #i wanna stop wasting hours of my life ruminating and being bored and depressed!!!

its hard to be empathetic and kind to yourself when you just cant help but think "its my fault that im like this". that i let myself be this way

that was one of the lowest lows ive felt in a long time and i hate that it just happens sometimes

but whatever ill still keep doing my thing i guess. bc honestly i dont see the point of getting treated for this lmao

eughhh oh my god reading abt bipolar ii and realizing all the symptoms and traits align with mine. fuckkk i hate this bruh

okay today was definitely way better than yesterday. still feel like i wasted my saturday with that depressive episode that kinda came out of nowhere -_-

my mom says i should think about seeing someone and yknow its not a bad idea. but maybe one day lol

i think this is something that i just have to learn to live with tbh

#like fuck it we ball amirite lmao

ima be real im not doing too hot rn and its so hard to stop myself from feeling even more fucked up and sad i feel fucking broken like theres something so fundamentally wrong with me and i feel bad that there are potentially people seeing me like this and its very fucking extremely hard for me to be vulnerable like this but if i dont let this out somehow im gonna crash out harder

#this feels so embarassing to vent on tumblr like im 15 again but i truly dont know what else to do #sorry for the word vomit #i always say oh maybe i should get help this time but i never do lul #idk i never thought i was quote unquote mentally ill enough to seek help #idk i never thought i needed it but maybe thatll change in the future #dont know if itll do jack shit for me tho

god i feel like i have no one to talk to about this

so i am returning here to yap about my fucked up head and how i have the tendency to self sabotage and ruin my own day for myself

its crazy how you can be having the time of your life one day and get hit by a wave of depression like a ton of bricks

and every time this happens i always end up blaming myself for it, as if im in control of my own brain. and i thought i was! i thought i was doing so well at managing my mood and being in control of my thoughts. i don't know what the fuck happened. and i'm mad at myself for letting myself get like this. i feel like there's something so wrong with me and i feel like a burden for being this way

im just gonna ride this out like i always do

#it's never fun #stuck in a perpetual loop of self loathing and random bursts of sadness. classic #nobody can fix me but me and it's my fault that i'm like this. god i hate thinking that way but yknow. it is what it is

i dont wanna go to work tomorrow

hate feeling this way

i dont fucking know why its happening again but it seems like another depressive spell thatll probably pass in a few days like it usually does but man does it fucking suck

i probably laid on the floor in the dark for like. more than 2 hours. doing nothing. i basically wasted the entire day feeling like shit

and its probably because my body feels all fucked up from that hike but. i shouldnt even feel this way and im fucking pissed at myself for letting it get bad again for No Fucking Reason

yesterday was perfect i just wish every day was like that

im just tired idk

#i wish i could take at least 2 more days off work #or even better i just wish the earth stopped spinning #even for a little while #i just dont want to feel like this #and i wish the things i liked gave me joy like how they did in the past #i miss being inspired and motivated #sorry for all the word vomit #im sure ill be fine again lol don't worry about me

im feeling sooooo fucking bisexual rn

#im high on that za 😭#i love men but girls got me like. 🥺🥺😢😢😢🥺😢🥺😢😢🥺🥺😢🥺😭😭😭😭😭#i fucking blame instagram reels for this i hate that i got sucked into watching happy queer couples in healthy rlships 😭😭😭😭#who want me..... *sad ant with bindle walking away .jpg*

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs