Sorry Not Sorry
I’ve been thinking a lot for the last few days about the human tendency (or lack there of) to feel remorse in different situations. We are taught the golden rule from a very young age - “Treat others as you would want to be treated. However, as you grow older and wiser, you learn that people are different - their triggers, sensitivity, preferences, communication style, reactions, and much more. With that you begin to understand that the golden rule really should have always been to -
“Treat others as THEY would like to be treated.”
Growing up with the understanding that what doesn’t hurt us won’t - or worse, shouldn’t hurt others is false guiding principle that many of us take with us into adulthood.
This problem is the worst when we are addressing emotional pain. If the pain we have caused another person is physical, it is typically easier for us to understand - because everyone feels physical pain. If somebody bumps their knee or steps on a lego (that is the WORST) we know what that feels like, because chances are we have felt it. Emotional pain however is much more difficult to understand, because everyone feels differently.
Here is an example that I think about pretty often:
If you run into a stranger on the street or accidentally spill somebody’s drink at the bar - what is your first reaction? For most of us, it is “I’m so sorry!” or “Excuse me, I am not watching where I am going.” We immediately own up to our faults - intentional or not. Our actions either hurt or inconvenienced somebody else, and when there is physical evidence there is no denying it. We don’t even try.
However, think about when you cause somebody emotional pain. Pain that you can not see, or understand because you are blinded by the golden rule or too caught up in what you intended to do. Sometimes when a loved one or even stranger confronts us to tell us that we hurt them - emotionally. We go straight into focusing on our intentions. We defend ourselves because we didn’t intend to cause anybody pain or because the same action would not cause us pain if the roles were reversed. If you take a step back and think about the situation objectively, you will realize that you are so far from the point.
When somebody tells you that they are hurt, it is a fact. It is a fact to them, therefore what they are saying is their truth. No intention or defense can deny what they are feeling regardless of whether you can see it or know what it feels like. So I encourage everyone to practice giving the truths of others just as much importance and respect as your own truths.
You wouldn’t accidentally step on somebody’s foot and then say “I didn’t mean to step on your foot” you just say “oops, I’m sorry.” It is simple and natural. If you cause somebody accidental heartache - the reaction should be the same.
Focus on their feelings rather than your intentions. Treat their feelings as fact, because they are. Most importantly, treat those around you as they would like to be treated.
















