Taking engagement pics officially flipped the excitement switch for me. It was the first opportunity for us to really enjoy some of the hard work* we've put into thinking about and deciding how to best celebrate with all our favorite people our choice to be together.
*who knew a wedding was so difficult to plan, kudos to all those who've gone before me and I apologize for any discredit I may have directed toward you in my ignorance.
The engagement pics themselves were a blast, thanks to our amazing photographer and his wife. We literally couldn't stop laughing. They put us right at ease. However, that isn't what triggered this post. What did was finding a few notes I had madly scribbled on a note card while in India.
India was an amazing experience (that I did a horrible job documenting) and we had the opportunity to have many inspiring people come talk to us, but one visitor's wise words really stuck out to me.
He was sharing some of his learnings from the last 10-15 years. Someone asked him how (especially with all his traveling) he was able to maintain a work life balance. He compared what it takes to have a good relationship with your partner with what it takes to have a good relationship with a client. At first this felt cold, but in the end it seemed far too true.
1 - Find someone with the same values. This is really key. If you ultimately don't want the same thing and you can't share the same hopes and goals then you will be constantly battling each other. This seems pretty obvious, but it's harder said than done. I'm lucky to feel like I've found someone who truly values the same things I do and supports me in my aspirations.
2 - Manage expectations. His example was something he learned from failing to do so with his first girlfriend. He bought her flowers for every holiday and every special event, so when one day he didn't buy flowers for and event she was very disappointed. He had set up the expectation in her eyes that she would receive flowers. While this doesn't seem all that great of advice (because you could easily see it as a cop out for him failing to get her flowers) what really stuck out was when he went on to say, "It doesn't matter what you give the other person, it matters what they receive." It didn't matter that he had given her flowers for all the other events. It only mattered that she hadn't received flowers on that night.
3 - Have regular retrospectives. It's important to continue to make sure you are on the same page. Talk about what has gone well and decide what you could do better as a couple.
4 - Efficiently use your time. To him, time is not a constraint. Spending more time with each other doesn't make things better or bring you closer. It's about quality not quantity. An example for him, was when he is out of town. Instead of calling every night and staying in constant contact via message, they choose to make time to connect when they want to even if it's less often.
5 - Challenge your beliefs/values. This seems counterintuitive to the first point (which is the key), but you grow when you expand your beliefs and allowing that person to challenge you will keep you growing. Let them push you out of your comfort zone.
6 - Don't say no. He didn't mean be a doormat. This really goes hand in hand with going out of your comfort zone. While on projects he felt like he learned the most when said yes even when he didn't have any idea how to do it. Similarly finding alternatives or at least trying to have an attitude of yes will open you up to experiences that can bring you closer together.
Hopefully by writing these bits of wisdom down I'll be able to keep them in mind as we embark on this commitment to each other. I look forward to it.
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