Questioning The Sublime Wisdom Of Big Sam
Morning Sam, what's the team news ahead of Everton on Saturday?
SA: " Andy's back from Sochi, with some very colourful and extravagant headbands. I believe that figure skater Johnny Weir was giving them away, and Andy pounced.
"Also, Marco Borriello is struggling. He can't find any real Italian food around here, and he's on like some sort of lunch hunger strike. Apparently the goat curry we have every day at lunctime is not a favourite of his, and he also said the screaming goats are giving him nightmares. These players today..."
You said after the Aston Villa game that if you won the next two matches it would be a tough decision to bring Andy back in, is it now a tough decision for you?
SA: "Under normal circumstances that would be true. Unfortunately, with Charlton being diagnosed with two left feet, recalling Andy is a no-brainer.
"I had no idea until after the Southampton game that Charlton was actually trying to pass that ball, instead he miss hit it into the net. Of course we'll take it, but going forward, I told him, no passing in our area, we can't afford any miss-hits or miscues around Adrian.
"Plus this week, we're playing a real team, our first since our dramatic game at Chelsea. Everton away will not be easy, although some good news just came through, Jaggerniyelka, or as I refer to him, "Their Captain" will not play. I already feel like we have a point."
What do you make of the job Carlton has done while Andy has been out?
SA: "Tolerable. I mean he is now just a one half player, and have you seen him with the ball at his feet? Horrible and I'm being kind. Inside the opponents' area, he is dangerous, and as I already said, a pass becomes a goal in Charlton's world.
"He'll quietly slide out of the first eleven to the subs bench, then quietly into the reserve team and from there, I don't really know... perhaps Southend, or if he really complains, Glasgow Rangers.
"Sometimes playing in complete obscurity can be good for a player, and Charlton could do with a long spell with a team with no expectations."
Andy Carroll has said he still believes he can make the England squad for the World Cup, do you think he can?
SA: "I spoke to Roy the other day, and he told me that even though all the team spots are gone, he still has a need for some luggage handlers and messengers. He thinks Andy would fit either spot as he's tall, has big hands and a good stride. I told him to be careful that there are no obstacles around when he's running, otherwise he'll fall over and probably injure himself. Shockingly, Roy didn't seem put off by this.
"I know it's not as glamorous as playing for England, but just getting a free trip to Rio would be great for Andy. I'm tired of his Instagram #selfies around Upton Park. A change of scenery would be good for all of his followers, especially me."
Just how far away do the pressures of five or six weeks ago feel now that you're seven points clear of the relegation zone?
SA: "I am feeling the pressure of challenging for Europe, although my clairvoyant tells me that when the calendar turns over to April, we'll be in 17th spot and only a point or two above the dreaded drop. I pay good money to Madame Nostradamus, and so far she has been on the ball.
"Told me that Andy would be healthy in either 2013, 2014 or 2015, and that my missus would get me an Apple Mac for Christmas. A little off there, but I wasn't too disappointed with the bottle of Apple Cider, and a Kindle. Also, that I'd get a new contract. Now even though technically I haven't, not being fired during that horrendous run, is like getting a new contract, so I'd say she's pretty much always right.
"After I get paid next week, I'm going to find out what happens in May, when we play Spurs and Manchester City to wrap up the season."
How difficult was it for you to stick to your principles when you had the bad run of results?
SA: "Not really sure. Fancy words don't mean much to me. I'm about more about values, and falling back onto those core values when times get tough. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, so I know the struggles of the common man.
"I can identify with the people who pay their hard earned money on a Saturday, so that I can live in a nice house; have three cars and get to travel all over t'world, flying First Class. It's hard for everyone when times get tough, but as my old primary school headmaster used to say, 'Eeh by gum, put wood in'th oyle and keep t'cold out. Not owt without yer nouse'.
"That about sums it up for me."
On this run of four wins, you beat three teams that were in and around the relegation shake-up and last time out you came from behind to beat a team in the top half. How does that win show the confidence of the team and how well you're playing right now?
SA: "A win is a win, and I think that we are seeing some magic happen at home. I mean not only how does a team like Southampton miss so many opportunities, but more to the point, how does a player like Nolan score five goals in his last four games, if magic isn't involved?
"I've heard whispers in the training room, and I don't think it's English. But I'm not interfering, four wins on the trot, who cares how many souls were given up, as long as we continue to win."
What do you think of the job Roberto Martinez has done at Everton, and what difficulties do you think they will pose you?
SA: "Listen, I thought that it was blatantly unfair when he was fired by Manchester City. The expectations of owners in the Premier League are extreme, and Roberto went from winning the league to being fired in twelve months.
"Everton made a good choice, although I always liked the bloke from Wigan, has a similar name I think, and he beat Manchester City in last year's FA Cup Final. I have a feeling Moyes would swap jobs right now with Roberto, what a mess he has got himself into.
"I have my own problems fighting off relegation for the second consecutive season, and trying to keep a lid on spending. I'd swap with either of them, let them get a taste of what real managing is."
You touched on their lack of goals, are there similarities between the two sides in that area?
SA: "They gave away one striker and the other got injured. Luckily, we had already re-signed Charlton Cole, otherwise he could well be playing against us tomorrow, and miss hitting a pass into our net.
"In fact we pretty much locked up all the mediocre strikers that were available throughout Europe. I think that he will play Traore against us tomorrow and that still caused me some angst. We thought we had him signed and sealed, but once again I think he was put off by the screaming goats in the kitchen. I told our head cook, to do that business somewhere else, there must be a garage we can rent close to the ground.
"I told Nolan, instead if pretending to be a chicken tomorrow, be a goat, that ensures Traore will do nothing against us. That's what I love most about this game, tactics."
Press conference digested by Neil Chatterton
