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sufjan

sufjan, you breathe the holy spirit to me and calm my anxious heart. turning my eyes heavenwards, leaving earth and its harms, i want to be with my lord and king. father may you be pleased to take me soon, nothing here on earth compares.

"i can see a lot of life in you, i can see a lot of bright in you, and i think that dress looks nice on you."

kelly and the never ending sadness. even in the midst of my joy, deep and constant is my sobering ache, my loneliness.

everyone i meet isn't you. whoever you are, wherever you are. if you exist.

i want to meet the one that feels like family. that fits me, and gets me.

father god i feel like such a foreigner in this place. i feel that it is wrong to ask anything of you, after you've given the cross for me.

i know you are enough, you are my strength. you are everything to me. even if i stay on this road alone through the end, even if it's another 40 years of feeling this ache and loneliness, i know you are enough. i know you will be with me to support me through the end, until glory.

""i have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than i am of the world. my prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. they are not of the world, even as i am not of it." jn. 17:14-19

WHY

can't i get over you!!!!!!

i miss you so much. it hurts.

gaahhh.

i'm feeling super pissed and just, bummed out. ugh i hate life so much sometimes. i'm just never where i want to be. it sucks being in los angeles, i'm single, the men i've met are just looking to get laid, and i haven't had fun in a loonnnggg time. i just miss having the freedom to act out and say and do whatever i think. now i have to like, think about how it represents my career and company. that's the part that sucks about public relations. i just want to be raw and weird and do whatever the heck i want again. like how i felt in seattle. complete freedom of self expression - and it's encouraged there! i wish i never met mike. i don't think i'd really want to move back to new york then. i don't think i should move back there. it would take me forever to earn enough money to get a nice place and by then, i'd want to settle down. i should just skip the new york thing and move straight to seattle. run the publicity for some tiny indie movie theater that only screens archival prints, and feel free to be as weird as i want.

broke

i came home tonight, and barely made it to the driveway before bursting into tears. feeling the stress of the week, working late (again), and seeing m's "new girl" on facebook just pushed me over the edge today.

i just start praying through my tears. god please help me. please hold me, satisfy me. help me to trust in the unseen, and not what i see and feel right now. it hit me - i have HEAVEN. i have all eternity with jesus. and all m has is a lifetime, with earthly pleasures. i want so much for the lord to change him, to soften his heart and open his eyes to the truth. yes, he treated me badly. i should have walked away and not let myself get attached. but i can understand why he treated me, and others, they way he did, because he's enslaved to sin. that's all he can do.

so i come into the house, with my puffy eyes and tear-stained face, and try to hide my evidence of brokenness from my roommate. i lay on my bed and realize the only thing that is going to make me feel better right now is god's word. i need it desperately. i open it up, and it flips open to proverbs 23:17:

"do not let your heart envy sinners

but always be zealous for the fear of the lord.

there is surely a future hope for you,

and your hope will not be cut off."

i'm crying now, just knowing that these words are so needed right now. i need to cling to jesus and let him be my hope, not a boy. i need jesus to comfort me and make me happy, not a broken fellow human.

god help me to wait for you, to get through this broken life on this broken earth. i groan for your return, it hurts so much to wait for things to be right, to be fixed. i hate this sin, this ugliness. i hate being in a world that mocks purity, and the sanctity of sex, and places my value on my physical appearance. i hate that men fall so easily into lust. it just breaks my heart. i want so much to leave this place lord. i just don't fit in.

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Either way, in both circumstances, blessed be the name of the Lord.

Lord please help me to trust your plans right now, to trust that you have my absolute BEST interests in mind. Help me to trust in the unseen, and not in my current circumstances. When I reflect on where You have led me, how you have opened doors for me and created amazing opportunities for me, I know You have a plan for me. I know you are protecting me, showing Your love for me by preventing something from happening in my life that would tear me apart. Which would push me farther away from You, and place my security in something other than You. I could never have the closeness and joy that I have with you now with a man who doesn't know you. Thank you for giving me strength in my utter weakness today. Thank you for meeting me in my despair and pain, and even giving me sincere joy today. You want me back, to be close to You again. I have placed my hope in something other than You, again, and you have torn it away from me for my own good. I will really, really miss him. But I know I will be ok. I've been here before, I've felt this way before. I know that I shouldn't fight You on this, but praise and thank you. I have salvation in You. I have eternity and meaning and joy. You are all I need, and I am so, so sorry for thinking that someone else could satisfy me. Please help me to find my desperate desire for love in You. Please satisfy me again. Please guard me and keep me close to you. You are my hiding place and my shield. Please bring a unique, godly man into my life. Someone I could relate to, and who would understand me and show me what love is. Please help me to wait on You for all things. As long as I have you, Jesus.

"There's nothing lonelier than being with the wrong guy." - Renee

About me: Watch out.

untitled

"Sometimes, how something looks, is exactly the way it is."

done

It's always hard for me to walk away from something. To cut something completely out of my life. I cut a boy completely out of my life. One that I really cared about - still care about. But I realize he'd been treating me like shit. It's taken me years, but I realize that deep down, I so want to be loved, that I will blind myself and make excuses for the way guys I've dated treat me. I start to think that it's better than nothing. It's such a different side of myself, who is usually, before meeting the guy, such a strong person who takes no bullshit.

Once in awhile though, I let one of these guys get under my skin. Then my weaker, love-starved side gets exposed.

This time though, I've ended this abuse that I've permitted to go on too long. I won't let anyone use me like that again. Even if another guy never comes along, I'm still better off without someone who treats me like shit. I may never meet a guy who treats me well; who truly cares about how I am doing and acts in my best interests before his own. But I refuse to let myself be treated badly. I've cut this person out of my life, of my own strength inside me. Thank you Jesus.

cut

"The Harvester is here; his blade is on my skin; to plant a new beginning; well then let the cut begin."

For Carlson, and the boys of my past.

"For Carlson, leaving was a shortcut; a shield. The more you leave, the less you lose."

this morning est

i wish i hadn't done it. you never deserved it.

why then do i keep giving.

ps. 73. 23-26

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever.

I want to tell you off so badly. You treat people like shit.

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