Shit my wife has said to the cat, part 7
- No, I love you, I really do. I know that you’re a remarkable cat, capable of great acts of evil.
- Look up there in the stars! You belong there! We’ll send you up there, but you’ll die because there’s no air.
- You’re an uncommon thug, but you still get house arrest between the hours of 8 and 8.
- Hearken the wayfarer from the North! He brings news of the black spring! ‘Twas a long winter, yet to break. NOOOOooooo stop playing with my nose tissue, wayfarer!
- This is objectively ridiculous, Miss Kitty. And if I were in the right state of mind I’d be laughing. But I’m not. Because you’re not fucking funny.
- You’re so lucky she loves you. I have to do things like pay the rent. You get to lay down and get a ‘good boy!’
- You ain’t the sharpest drawer. I mean the sharpest knife. In the drawer. I mean you’re not the sharpest – I wouldn’t want a sharp drawer! I need…. I need to just simmer down.
- I’m going to send photos of your butt to the Russians. Then they’ll post them online and you’ll be so embarrassed.
- (watching a peaceful video of a cat canoeing with its owner) This could be us, Miss Kitty. But you’re a huge bitch.
- I’ll walk at you funny! I’m the crab of your nightmares.
- I hate your face. Goodbye.
- Someday I’m going to throw you into an industrial fan. And then I can quip, “the shit’s finally hit the fan!”
- (to me) That is a statement of unusual violence. Please specify that I would never throw her into an industrial fan.
- I’d throw her into a smaller fan, though. Just one that would trim her nails a little bit, give her a haircut.
- Miss Kitty, I’m going to throw you into – what was it last time? An industrial fan? – No, I’m going to throw you into a vat of boiling acid. I’m going to make you into the kitty Joker, beloved by fans and considered trite and overused by true critics.
- You’re on top of me like I’m some kind of exquisite $2 hooker.
- You’re always going to be that 6-year-old who pooped his pants, and I’m never going to let you forget that.
- You were not born to love. You were not made like a larva to grow into love. I’m basically calling you a basic bitch. You’re a basic bitch.
- I know, I know, I’m really intense right now. But you’re made of absolute shit and I love you,
- Have you ever known life without inhibition?
- You’re a frat boy. You chug catnip like beer. Like “omnom nom nom, I’m gonna cause some hazing incidents”
- I’ve got bad news for you, Miss Kitty. Your face looks like a burnt pancake.
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6
