Under The Moon
What is life? I am trying to live my life to the fullest Yet the end of the night, im still thinking "what is life?" There was this time when i almost died I thought it was an another chance to live since i got through to it But now when time passes by I think it was all a punishment or i dont know As i wake up every morning Every time i open my eyes As i sleep every night Every time i close my eyes Im still hoping that everything was just a dream A nightmare to be exact But its still real every time i get out from my bed You know that feeling that you just want to live a life but you cant deny the fact that you just hate your life so much that you just want to commit suicide But theres a part of me that im afraid to die since for me its the biggest sin I dont kow I mean thats life right My mom once said that God or the Lord forgives you and your every sin no matter a big or smalll it is. Sin is a sin. So if you want to die you could just ask a forgiveness from the Lord and carry on to your life after death. If there was Tonight i just smoked a pack of cigarette Yeah its not much compared to the other smokers out there but the thing is, it was my first time to smoke a lot that much While i was smoking I was staring at the moon, talking to it like it was God or Lord. I kept on asking what is the purpose of my life? Why did you gave me this kind of pain. I know all of us were given pain but mine is not that an ordinary kind Way back as a child I was a normal kid who usually play outside with friends. Living life as it is But on aug 12 2006 The tragic happen To make it all short I was confined with aneurysm So it caused me a paralysis the entire half of my body, right side. So it was a big issue for me Now im still confused It was 10 yrs ago My last session having a therapy maybe way back in 2008 or 2009. So now i went on it again for 2 months now I was so happy since im having a therapy again And i told myself that this could be the chance but i only got 2 more months to do it but i think i failed myself again One time my mom told me that i should stop it since there was no improvement So deeply inside i cried I wanted to tell them, my whole family that theres a small improvement but for me it was a big improvement But i couldnt tell them cuz i know they wouldnt appreciate it and obviously theyll just ignore it My parents target was ill be ok with in 4 months I mean 4 months is a big chance of opportunity for them But the fact that i need more time, i think. Now im pressured what if that day will come and had stop having a therapy What will happen? Going back to my old life again? They will never understand me though since theyre selfish. Not by money or i dont know. They never ask me if how am i. Literally they would just underestimate me while ill just ignore them and deal with the pain inside me. Tonight i have been thinking What is life to me There was this once A friend told me that she was so impressed cuz i was so good in hiding my true feelings and pain Then i just told her that shes just fooling me But deep inside it got me to think of it Yes i just realized that i have been too selfing to myself Not sharing all of my problems to all the people that is close to me I think its stupid if ill share it to them, some said it is the least to east the pain. You know, maybe i am just so scared. What will i be in the future? A failure or a success creation? Once, theres this predictor said that ill die at the age of 23. Now im 22. Few weeks before this post, im like no way it not real. But now im thinking of it. Maybe its true that ill die next year. You may say that im crazy but i dont know. Its up to moon how and when will i die. Sometimes i just want to forget everything and be happy. Wishing that one day ill wake up and say that everything was just a nightmare. That everything was just a silly dream. I guess when i die. At that moment theyll realized that im full of pain. They were not there to comfort me by my side. "Every smoker have a story so before you say him smoking kills, i want you to know that, something is already killing him inside." Im writing this post here cuz i know no one will read this and wont even admire this message of mine.