Notes to my youth

healing from trauma I am using this to anonymously work through childhood trauma. What I now recognize as SA. letters to myself may or may not be in plain language. It maybe triggering for some....

[boldlyimperfect]

Let's not mince words with this one...

PSA from Present day me:

Parents, punishments are not something that should involve the removal of clothing. No matter the style of punishments you had as a child being just face value punishments with no deeper meaning. NO! (This does not excuse the damage you did!)

This is also NOT the way to get a child with body image issues to be OK with their bodies. It further shames and damages their body image.

Telling a child that they have to earn their clothing back by walking around naked in front of everyone. They cannot have them in their bedroom, they can not have them anywhere in the house unless the other parent is home... that condition right there tells you, that you as a parent knows it's wrong.

The amount of work and time I had to put into being open about what happened to me. This still effects me everyday and this PSA is just the surface. Parents don't be your child's monster.

[boldlyimperfect]

Little one

I know it hurts so much, and you don't know how to say anything to anyone about what is happening to you. It seems like your big brother hates you, or can't see (really unsee) you the way you really are. He doesn't, he just sees the little sister he doesn't know how to help. He sees his mother he doesnt know how to tell, just like you....After this "punishment" is over you will push it deep down inside. Eventually enough life will happen that it won't be every thought in your mind. One day though your big brother will come back along and ask you about if it was something his broken mind made up or if it's a real demon. Little one, it will shake you to your core the amount of people you are surrounded by that truly love you. You aren't tainted, you aren't unloved, but you are fierce, and you are worthy of the story you will create out of the ashes from before.

Signed

Your future self

[boldlyimperfect]

Future me

Do I ever forget? Does this fade away? The sounds of my footsteps in the night, the air touching every place... the feeling of the tears on my cheeks. The wondering if anyone can see out here in the darkness. Am I always going to be alone with this? Will anyone ever understand? This world always feels so empty and confusing. I thought I was loved, I thought I was protected. Turns out I'm just tainted, and not worthy of anyone's love. Please tell me I'm wrong...

Signed

Little one

[boldlyimperfect]

Changing it up because I need to tell my story in more detail.... letters from little one to me now... this may be triggering for some

Future me

I know you don't even remember now what we are being punished for. I wish I could tell you, but it escapes me now. All I can tell you is that he was tired of me screwing up. He ran out of ways to punish me. "Your clothes" my heart raced, and dropped into my stomach.. "my clothes??" (Surely he can't be serious right now) "your clothes, you can't have them." You must be naked in your room, when you leave your room, at any point I catch you with clothes except when your mother is home you will be in more trouble" those words echo in my mind as I feel the carpet against my skin as I sit here and cry. You tell me this is going to get better? I can't see it.... it only feels like it's going to get worse. I don't know how I am supposed to get through this....

Signed

Little one

[boldlyimperfect]

Twisted emotions

Rollercoaster ride

Ups and downs between love and despise

Looking in your eyes

I can see her

She's scared and confused

Zooming through the hills

Zipping the around the corners

In the mirror I see her now

Raising up from the ashes

Her spite will be hotter than flames

She will make you regret

Needed a break from the letters. Haven't written poetry in a while. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[boldlyimperfect]

Little one,

I wish I could tell you what is happening to you will fade away, but these moments will stick with you forever. He might have stepped up to the plate where the other one left before you could remember, but what he is doing to you isn't normal. Deep down you know it that's why it makes you feel icky.... It won't make you more confident. It will snuff out the little boldness you have left. It is going to make you hate yourself. It's going to make you wish you were dead. It's going to affect you in more ways than I can fully explain because I'm still learning. Little one It is okay to tell. Tell anyone who listens, your big brother can't save you he is just a kid too.

Signed

Your future self

[boldlyimperfect]

Little one

I know what's going on hurts deeply. It's confusing. You try your best not to do wrong, make the grades, and meet all their expectations. I know you feel like you aren't enough, and you never will be no matter how hard you try. Don't give up, one day you're going to be grown up, and you'll start to learn that every effort you made and all of your hard work will count for something. You'll have some beautiful little people of your own and you will encourage them and build them up in the ways you aren't being right now. You'll love them and protect them from the hurt you're receiving right now. Keep fighting even on the hardest days.

Signed

Your future self

[boldlyimperfect]

Little one

You are full of life, and you March to the beat of your own drum. You love everyone even if they don't love you. That's OK this world needs more people like you. Love, and enjoy the carefree feelings because the storms down the road....well they are heavy and they are going to try to take it away. So, befriend everyone, wear the outfits that make your mom go hmmm I wouldn't have picked that, laugh freely, and love fiercely. There will be times you want to give up, but right now keep fighting because your spirit is so needed.

Signed

Your future self