BonkMilk's Daily Dairy Diary
It's been hard as fuck lately, coming up on one year since the whole Arizona story arc. I still have a lot of healing to do after that regressive hit to my abandonment and trust issues, and insecurity over being overwhelming/annoying/too much/"A Lot"(TMTMTM).
It hasn't been making my current foray into romance any easier, especially with her going through just as bad if not worse of a rough streak in life. Overworked and overwhelmed and emotionally unavailable, at the same time I'm re-doing unhealed work on my relationship traumas is... one of the dynamics in a relationship ever. She, to her credit, has put up with all of my crash-outs and spirals, and has done her best to be reassuring with the little time and energy she has.
I just need to get better at focus on myself, and distracting the obsessive, hyper-attachment lover-girl shit with friends, and forward moves in life. Either I make my life better for us, or I have a better life for myself while I nurse another broken heart. I'm actually starting to believe this woman actually might mean it when she says she isn't going to leave even when I'm at my lowest mental health spaces.
(As long as I'm not mean to her, she specified, but that's kind of just a given in any situation ideally.)
I honestly fucked up this term at school pretty bad, and I'll be lucky to pass one class with a decent grade. I'm pretty sure I'll do okay in my technical writing class, but Trig is a wash, and i had to drop out of my C++ course because I had just fallen too far behind. Kinda worried about what that will mean for my student loan eligibility going forward, but I'll burn that bridge when I cross it, I guess.
My art is one thing I have been able to take pride in lately, and I've been making some good marketing and publicity moves to get my name out there a little more, at least in the alt content creator community predominantly on fb. We'll see where I can spread as I put more time into a stronger portfolio and on building a, for now, unfortunately, print on demand sticker and merch online storefront. Eventually I want to use a printer of my own to order my own stock and have better control of prices and eco-friendly options, etc.
I just need to find a fucking job that won't drain my soul but still covers the rest of my bills. Ugh.
gummygunk
dailybridgerton
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2087
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