Inking Thoughts @bookishniqabibookworm - Tumblr Blog

December 20th/21st 2021

11:55 PM- T-minus 5 minutes until i'm 22.

How has a year gone by so fast? I felt like the past year happened in the blink of an eye. We do not celebrate birthdays, but we appreciate and reflect on life and how blessed it is to be alive in this world. Alhumdulliah for my life, for my family and for all of the blessings Allah (swt) gave me that I cannot count on one hand.

This past year of getting older was weird. I have grown as a person, and I have understood some things I lacked to understand when I was younger.

12:00 am

Just like that I'm older. 21 was an interesting age. I learned a lot about myself and I am still going to be learning about life. I broke my bone; I finished my last full semester of courses (before student teaching), I met a potential's family (Sorry, *FH it was an important moment I had to include). That did not go anywhere obviously. I found myself, who I am, what I like. I met some great friends along the way and I understood my place in the lives of others. It was a year of growth and change.

Some things that stayed the same: I'm still a nature-esque, coffee drinking, witty, bookish, introverted human. I am yet to meet my FH. I still have my friends from highschool as well as some of the people I met during college.

I feel like 22 will bring a lot of adventures, growth and challenges. I'm excited to see what is in store for me next. I have some things I would like to work on such as: having a healthier lifestyle, tidying up my room more and being more focused on my Deen and Iman. Whatever comes with this year is sure to be an adventure.

-S.J/How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22/@bookishniqabibookworm

*FH- Future Husband. This is the first time I addressed my FH directly. I don't know who he is, what he's doing or if I am ever going to show him this. But it felt right....

October 14 2021

Hi. I swear if looked in the mirror I would be a different person. The experiences I have had since JUNE is mind glowingly crazy. There s 8 weeks left into my last full semester as a university student. I'm like 50+ hours in for my clinicals before student teaching. My outlook on life is quite less dreary but it isn't as cheery as it should be or can be. But I think I am the most content I have been ever in my life. Sure, ups and downs but I'm slowly establishing a routine. Namaz is a integral part of my life and a part of my self-care. I feel my teacher self coming to be. Life is a series of test and rollercoasters. Self care for me is being alone and recharging, being in nature, reading, just driving without a direction or destination.

I think life will take you into different directions which all lead to different destination. Sometimes you start on one path and later you find yourself finding different paths or stopping. On these different path you meet so many unique people who are from all different aspects of the world. Some people stay for a page, some people stay for a chapter, other's stay only for a season and some... some stay forever and are a constant aspect your life. But, sometimes even that is not a grantee.

Allah (swt) is the only one who will stay when live becomes dark and depressing. Speaking of people, I have yet to find someone who is my perfect half. My soul mate, my life partner. When I was young and naïve I thought this part would be easy. It is so hard. Yet, I have hope that he will come to me when I'm really ready. I saw a post and it said something like: Do you wonder why there is slowness in your rizq, in your health, wealth, marriage, children, and so on... Look at your Namaz and see how that is.

This is so therapeutic for me. Writing. It always have been. I've always found my thoughts in this. I'll do it more.

Insha'Allah here is a new update that is full of light, bright and happiness.

Ameen

-S.J

June 24th 2021

I just wish you knew how much this all hurts me. Like, I can't breath hurts me, like I have to drink two coffees in a day to function hurts me, like I have to smile and pretend everything is fine hurts me, like I can't feel my anxiety creeping up hurts me, like if I cry I'm faking or its not real because I cry easily hurts me. All those comments that slowly become a part of the very fiber of my being. Which then you contradict to "Why Don't you socialize more" or "Why do you have such oversize clothes?" or anything of that nature. Those are the ramifications of the things both that were said and left unsaid.

I try so hard to be happy and content. I try so hard to change. I don't want to burden anyone. I don't. I try but no, all you see is failure of not doing enough. Mental Health or wellbeing doesn't count. And I know you have to hear those side comments and snarky side talks that people made. "She so fat" or "She would be pretty if she were skinny" or "You would look so good if you lost weight" or "people only like skinny girls, you could get married easier" or when the others starts and there is not a stop to it. You take that anger and frustration out on me when you don't see how I am drowning.

I wish you understood how much it hurts me. You think I don't care but I do. I am my worst enemy and each soul-crushing word you say makes me hate myself even more. And then you wonder why someone who is naturally introverted wants to always be at school or the library or the park. It is because being at home suffocates me of all the ways I should be better, all the ways I am letting you down and failing you.

I want to be enough for you. For all of you. Sometimes I wonder what will happen in the future. If you can't love and see me truly, how can a stranger. How can I survive. You make me scared of love. I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, and I want to be on Deen.

There is no one in this world who understands me but Allah (swt) and I am okay with that. Intentions (Niyaath) matters. Ya Allah (swt) make it easy for me to be better, for everyone. Guide us on the right path. Ameen.

-S.J//Thoughts at 3:00 pm on a Thursday Afternoon/@bookishniqabibookworm

June 7th 2021

I always ask myself why am I like this. I have this inherent need to be good but then something comes and ruins in. Why am I so anxious all the time? Why am I so sensitive. I don't know. Messy Room. Messy Hair and Messy Mind. Sometimes a thought creeps into my mind. One I haven't thought of for years and it hurts as it show me that I am indeed getting bad again. Life and everything would be better off without me. I think the only reason I keep going is Allah (swt). Trying to do better but as a plant tries to while being in the shade. Insha'allah to better days.

-S.J//Thoughts//bookishniqabi

May 2nd 2021

Wow, it has truly been several months since I have been here. That could mean several things. My brain has been so focused on school, classwork, grades that I know sit and ponder what was it all for? Ramadan is ending and I did not take advantage of it as I should have. How can I be the person I be if I don't hold myself accountable. It is time to stop living in the past (because I can not change that right?) There are 10 days left of Ramadan. 10. I plan to make the most of it. Writing my thoughts out gives me more clarity. I should do it more often but other stupid things in the world take precedent. If I want a life where I am competent it starts with Namaz and being a good Muslim inside an out. There are so many things I want in life but they won't happen of I do not have my priorities straight.

-Insha'Allah here is to change.

-S.J/Reflection of Life

February 26th 2021

One thing I have noticed about myself is that i’m drawn to the imperfect. Why? Perhaps its a reflection of how I view myself. Why is the imperfect, imperfect? They tell a story. A story that is worth telling. I want to get back into really writing. Like, seriously.

January 9th 2021

In the process of becoming better.

December 31st 2020

Wow. I don’t know if any words can justify this year and all of the heartache it caused? But, alas there were some good aspects as well. But, this was the longest and shortest year combined. Life is so different from a year ago. I am a different person. This may or may not sound dramatic but quarantine and Covid-19 changed society as we know it. Now, life will be defined as pre-covid and post-covid. I have changed tremendously as a person but the people around me have changed as well. I think this year has been a difficult one for everyone. My grandmother passed away, I had to do school from home, I did not have a job. This year has fundamentally changed my life. I know it was not in some of the more traditional ways I thought my life would change. Maybe that is a journey for the future Insha’Allah and it is yet to come. Reflecting on my goals: I barley made them. I need and want to be better. I don’t want to live the way I currently live. Goals for the coming year: be healthy (eat, live, exercise), be a better Muslim in all aspects of my life, be a better sister, be a better daughter, strive for peace and discipline, and be the best version of myself that is out there. I know a better version exist and Insha’Allah I hope to find it. I am grateful for this year as I was able to spend it with my family and my siblings which to be honest with university work and life I would not have. I also want to get out of my comfort zone and explore the world around me. Alhumudlliah for all the blessings this year but I am ready for the new year and the Baraka it will bring. I am going into it with a positive mindset. Insha’Allah here is to a productive, adventure filled, better Muslim year.

11:07 pm

-S.J

December 22nd 2020

2:14 am

I am 21. That feels unreal but right at the same time. I don't know how to describe this bittersweet feelings. 21 for a whole day felt weird

December 13th 2020

What hurts more? Being invited and not being able to attend or never being asked?

It is okay. There must be a reason right? Maybe, I am reading too much.........

-S.J

November 27th 2020

Lonely, the worst feeling to have when having friends. Doesn’t the phone work two ways?

November 15th 2020

I can’t believe its been a week. Life changes quickly and often without warning.

-S.J

October 22nd 2020

I always type something up or take a photo or want to send something. But then I hesitate thinking no one will care either way. Letting my self slip away. Words and things left unsaid floating into a void.

-S.J

October 17th 2020

Let me know if time slips easily into the abyss for you too

As if the darkness consumes you

Where there is nothing left

Except empty promises that sink

Like a thick dust on old furniture

Standing still in moments

Wishing for that nostalgic feelings to appear

Living in photographs filled with unkempt relationships

Now I wonder where do I stand

Just floating in between two times

Belonging to neither

Just being.

@bookishniqabibookworm//S.J//untitled

October 6th 2020

How can I feel nothing and everything all at once?

-S.J//@bookishniqabibookworm

October 2nd 2020

I went out with my friends today after a long time. I don’t know what I was expecting really. I have been having perpetually sad days these days. I haven’t been at 100% if I am being truly honest. But today I needed a win. I needed a day to hang out with my friends and feel like me and feel happy. But today? it didn’t go as plan. I know chaos is a natural part of life but today I felt... anxious with them. I hate that I felt anxious with them. I hate that. Why? I don’t know how to act in a group anymore nor did I understand why we were doing the painting thing and so far away at that? Besides that I don’t know I hate feeling uncomfortable and that is a feeling I don’t feel with my friends usually. I am drained. I need to get help. Funny enough one of my friends noticed that I wasn’t doing to well and they suggested that I should talk to someone. They aren’t wrong. I just don’t know how to. I just emailed to make an appointment. Insha’Allah here is to change!!!!

Best,

S.J

August 31st 2020

This is a mood/vibe whatever the correct word is. But right now, this is not my life. It’s going to be a crazy couple of weeks. Exams, School, New semester. But Inshallah here is to everything working out!

-s.j//bookishniqabibookworm

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