triple the tipple!

here I store the distilled liquor(s) for my mind's sanity.

[boozybb]

Despite spending 31 years on earth, I still have no idea how to manage our expectations to just right.

[boozybb]

Christmas in Spring #3

Apparently, I still want to talk about us (I just can never stop) and I'm amazed you find my spicy pictures and videos as arousing. Why? Just why? Again, you once again tell me to love myself more. Although I have my own disagreements on this one, I agree that I need to cut out those whines about being insecure, about feeling like not good enough, about my limitations and imperfections. Nobody is perfect and that liberates us from the responsibility to be perfect. Isn't it nice? And yeah, it's nice that in each and every conversation that we share, you always manage to encourage me to become the better version of myself. I'm glad I hit you up on that app earlier this month. Udah ah mau pulang, udah jam segini. (lirik jam laptop dengan genit) (waduh udah 09:22 pm aja nih) (saatnya jadi ninja dan pulang).

[boozybb]

Rasanya enak banget nulis di laptop pas lagi di kofisop, berasa banget kaya jadi bagian dari komunitas urban ibukota (lah emang?).

[boozybb]

Christmas in Spring #2

I will just write this post shortly and get back home because it's apparently 09:14 pm and I can't afford being told off again by Mom just because I come home late.

Do you know why today is quite meaningful to me? There are so many firsts that happened to me today:

This is the first time I was able to find Tumblr again after a long time, and it just consumes me how much I miss writing (I really miss writing!)

This is the first time I brought my own laptop to a coffee shop (hi, Fore Cipete!) for work

This is the first time I observed people around me and told those little discoveries to someone, only to find them calling me up and asking for more details on that

This is the first time I proudly called someone as baby or sayang in public on a voice call and the other person didn't flinch at all (at least that is how I interpreted your reactions)

This is the first time I got a surprise call from someone I feel attracted to and comfortable with

This is the first time someone who made time to call me up during his break on a padel session, just to listening to me blabbering nonsense things

This is the first time I wrote about this on Tumblr

Thank you for being a part of my firsts today! (for those who read this up and especially you)

[boozybb]

Christmas in Spring #1

We encountered each other on the fourth day of April. Yes, talking about my favorite month, right? The time just feels like it's meant to be (well, let's see). Tonight is the first chance that we spent together to become a sleeping companion for each other through the air (re: call or sleep call).

I still remember how we spent the whole night on Google Meet for 8 hours (YES, EIGHT!) straight; we both just refused to hang up the call and kept on talking to each other until we both couldn't deny that we needed to have some sleep.... just to have another call session hours later. Did you know how thrilled I got when I listened to you? We share so many similar fundamental things in common, it just feels easier and right with you.

It is understandable that we decided to take things slow and steady; slowly burning is something that we both admire too, right? You said you don't want to jump too soon to a relationship; I agree with you. Getting to know each other is a phase that we may need to spend together with.

I don't know what the future brings to us at the end of this exciting journey, all I know is I feel thankful for your existence in my life. You just manage, without even trying so hard, to encourage me to become the better version of myself. There was this different sense of calmness when I learned that we prioritise communication and being able to communicate to each other above all else. It almost felt like I know I'm in good hands, like we can tackle everything that challenges us in the future. These days it becomes crystal clear to me that the most underrated love language that everybody needs to possess is... being genuinely curious and asking questions. It just opens up to so many little meaningful surprises along the way.

PS. I set up this title as a journaling series that features details, be it exciting or hurting, between you and me in this relation. Have you caught on the reason why? Your birth month is in December, hence the Christmas part. My birth month is April, hence the spring part. I wonder how Christmas feels like in April? Bet it will be just as sweet as how your voice sounds.

[boozybb]

Nothing's real without you.

[boozybb]

Getting Back on Here

There you go, the title tells it all. Coming back here after a year (I guess?) feels like something that I would do many times, just like getting back up after you fall to the ground. However, it took me too long to realise that writing is a home, not just a way of living a life. If you ask what triggered me to open Tumblr up and write, let's just say life forces me to do it. It's been a while, my home, I'm kind of thrilled coming here again.

[boozybb]

selalu males sama yang sugarcoating, yang saying too many sweet things... oh God, please don't flirt too much; I really don't like it. biasa aja pls bisa ga? lol. if anything, it feels weird and creepy.

[boozybb]

going back to this place again to let things off my chest. I can't crawl back to those anonymous apps again— because I know those places don't serve me or bring good things to me. if anything, it only adds up my worries and anxious thoughts.

today was hard, very hard. I worked especially slowly today and I think I made everyone suffer because of that. I want to change my tendency to be worried, just go without thinking too much. it doesn't need to be perfect, you don't really need to be prepared; just go, things will unfold themselves. you'll find a solution and adapt to your current situation if you have faith and keep going.

the water does not automatically turn warmer if you jump in late.

I know I become like this because of some parenting styles that I suffered from (and still need to get myself out of). it's okay, it's my first time living, I can still revise (or correct?) my mistakes and be better. I don't resent my parents, I just wish they would've chosen a better route when it came to parenting. but then again, it's their first time living and they didn't know any better back then... so yeah, again I need to understand that.

however... if I keep on trying to understand others, then who's going to understand me? I also need to be understood too. or is this only my ego speaking? lol.

either way, I'm happy I still have this page for me, only for me to organise my theatre of mind. I, at last, still have a safe go-to place. also, since I find writing therapeutic, I am ecstatic that I get to write again... after all this time. I still have that little fire in me to do this art of fine-tuning letters and words into a bunch of sentences.

thank you, Jesus. I think it's an appropriate move to mention Your name here, to offer my utmost gratitude to You. I'm still on my way to go back to You. I believe step by step we can get closer again (like we used to... or even better? hehe). actually my Mom's words led me back to You; she kept on reminding me to pray. I interpreted that as a sign to get myself connected to You again, to get us talking to each other again, to be intimate with You again. please accept me.

[boozybb]

I came back here again after a little more than a year and found the trace of myself being in the same situation. there was no change, no improvements, the difference only lies on the subject's name and the storyline in specific. other than that, nothing is really new. what makes me mad more than that tragic situation itself is that it seems like I learned nothing, because I still fell for the same scenario. I despise and resent myself a lot for that fact alone.

[boozybb]

Untuk kesekian kalinya, kembali harus aku yang mengerti, yang terakhir kali menyimpulkan arti, yang beranjak pergi dan (dipaksa) rela hati.

[boozybb]

this thing became real last week. I still don't know how to process everything that happened. sometimes life goes for an extra mile to turn an event into a comedy.

[feelingsoftheday]

being called “my love” hits different

[boozybb]

@/him.

[boozybb]

Untuk kesekian kalinya, kembali harus aku yang mengerti, yang terakhir kali menyimpulkan arti, yang beranjak pergi dan (dipaksa) rela hati.