Secret Relationship AU
Met Gala AU
Rachel fell in love with gangster Young Do AU
Russian Palace AU
Addiction
U r no good 4 me but baby I want you
Am I that girl you dream of?
High School Sweethearts
Enemies AU
My Melody x Kuromi
Working on new chapterā¦and I went back and re-read the entire fic.
Some parts make me cringe, some are meaningful. I can tell what I was personally feeling during some chapters š
Thank you all, whoāve been so patient over the years. Can you believe itās been years? Multiple years?
I would appreciate reviews/thoughts though. Did you think this is how they would end up so far? Does it seem realistic, the way their relationship has gone?
I both read PU and Casual Cruelty. They're both different but I really love both a lot. CC feels so dreamy, I need to read it again it's been so long.
PU tho is different to me because it made me realize it was ok to want to be a feminine girl or be superficial about some things. it made me accept myself. I was (still) obsessed with beauty and it made me look back on myself a lot.
I would have never thought yd and r would end up this way tho š the way they went through so much in your fic, I thought their bond would have been too strong to break š but I guess it's why the betrayal is so deep.
It was confusing why yd decided to end things between them ? But I got the feeling it was confusing on purpose. And why did he talk to Tan again ? That was so painful. R heart must have been scattered.
But it does seems realistic !! The way you have a special person that you love so much, you confide everything, feel joy for the most mundane things with them. But when the relationship is over, there's just the memories and the pain. And if you don't understand / know why they did things it's even worse.
And since R loves to be strict on herself, she find a way to blame herself about it all, and it's breaking my heart for her.
Young Do and Rachel meet as university freshmen in early 1970s Pittsburgh, they are immediately drawn to one another. Pressures from the outside world are nothing compared with the brutality they are capable of inflicting on one another. Separation is out of the question. But as their orbit compresses and their grip on one another tightens, they are drawn to an act of irrevocable violence that will force them to confront a shattering truth at the core of their relationship.
ā Excerpt summary from These Violent Delights by Micah Nemerever
Happy 8th year anniversary, YoungRaĀ š„š„ @borderline-on-youngra
What a long, weary, harrowing journey it had been.
Rachel was tired even before sheād landed.
Not physically, of course. Sheād gotten a good few hoursā sleepā¦and had made sure to mask her skin and hydrate and pamper herself as much as she could.
It was a distraction though. Her stomach kept twisting...she felt nervousā¦dread. Sheād talked at length with her therapist about this feeling: sheād flown more than 20 times in the last four years, but one memory was seared in her mind.
Choi Young Do picking her up from the airport when sheād returned from America.
Sheād changed in many ways, her life was different in many ways, yet she was fixated on this old ancient memory. A meaningless memory. Heād been wilder and aggressive back then. They were actually both like two vipers around each other, waiting to strike. Maybe theyād never calmed downā¦maybe theyād always been vipers to each other. Defanged for a bit, but vipers nonetheless.
Rachelās therapist had asked the very question sheād been avoiding: what would happen if you see Choi Young Do? Rachel knew there was no reason heād be at the airport waiting for herā¦unless he happened to be going somewhere. There was no reason whatsoever for her to run into him. No reason at all.
What would happen though? She could either pretend she didnāt see him orā¦confront him? Acknowledge him? Scream at him? Be civil? Rachel didnāt know, but she did know that she was free to do whatever she wanted.
He wasnāt the King of Seoul, although sheād given him that title in her mind. He really had no effect on her actions whatsoever, even though sheād mentally made it so. Even if she did run into Choi Young Do, if not at the godforsaken airport, then literally anywhere elseā¦what was the worst that could happen?
The worst had already happened.
//
Rachel was shaken out of this unpleasant rumination, by the descent of the plane. She made a silent wish and closed her eyes, as sheād always done since she was a little girl: Please please please let things get better for me.
//
Omma was waiting for Rachel, and looked her over sternly, before enveloping her in a hug, āI thought Iād hate your hair, but you look beautifulā, referring to Rachelās new hairstyle.
Rachel had long since abandoned her trademark bangs, a few months into freshman year, and had sported a long layered haircut, even experiment with lighter hair colors, depending on her mood. Truth be told, she didnāt have the complexion to carry blonde, otherwise she would have dyed it blonde.
For a few months after the breakup, Rachel had wanted to distance herself fromā¦Yoo Rachel. All that Yoo Rachel was and all sheād been. She wanted to be a different person. She wanted to look like a different person.
A person who didnāt experience vicious heartbreak. A person who didnāt see the boy, the heartbreaker who shattered her heart into pieces, crushing it between his hands, bleeding it dry, walk around as if nothing had happened between them.
Sad Rachel was waking up and remembering that Choi Young Do would look through Rachel when they made eye contact. Choi Young Do all but stopped speaking to her. Choi Young Do pretended they were nothing to each other and never had been.
Rachel inhaled her motherās perfume and tried to center herself back in the present, putting Sad Rachel back to sleepā¦she could feel the softness of her motherās blouse, the warmth of her hug, and she concentrated on the scent again. She was a college graduate, hugging her mother. Not a deeply sad high school girl in despair, lost in unpleasant memories.
She wouldnāt have looked good with blonde hair anyways.
//
Even though Omma had just flown in for Rachelās graduation, she still hugged her tightly. Rachelās hair had been long and flowy, her hair layered and black.
Rachel had made an impulsive decision a few days, and ended up with a sleek bob. It was the shortest sheād ever cut her hairā¦and while the thought of not having long hair to hide behind made her feel naked, it also made her look chic. Omma had worn a bob for a while too, so Rachel wouldnāt look horrible with it either.
She would never admit it out loud, but sheād come prepared. The haircut was only a part of it. Sheād also fixed exclusively on her fitness the last few months, doing Pilates several times a week, along with running a few miles here and there.
Rachel had always relied on her natural thinness and had never given exercise much thought. Pilates made her muscles scream and sheād feel shaky and weak, but sheād always come back for more. Like a true masochist. The running felt good, and sheād even managed to participate in a couple of 5k races. Exercise gave her endorphins, and a tighter body.
Therapy had helped, but Rachel still couldnāt help butā¦lieā¦to her therapist. Her one true flaw was knowing how self-aware she was, and stillā¦surrounding herself with bullshit. She lied to her therapist, but she couldnāt like to herself. Her main motivation for all this exercise wasnāt the endorphins or even the hot body, but ratherā¦Choi Young Do.
Choi Young Do whoād always worked out. Choi Young Do who had washboard abs. Choi Young Do whoād always maintained his impressive physique.
An errant thought would pop into her head every now and then, āMaybe if youād been moreā¦fitā¦he wouldnāt have dumped you.ā
Rachelās therapist had taught her techniques to counteract all these negative thoughtsā¦but those negative thoughts were her best friends. Her true companions.
They fueled her aggression while running, pushing herself to reach another half-mile. To maintain her stance in Pilates, even though her thighs were shaking and shaking. Rachelās therapist made her write gratitude lists and focus on the positive, but deep down Rachel knew her motivation was hatred and fury and rage. All negative.
Every muscle that ached, every cramp she felt, the exhaustion that followed after running 3 miles in 30 minutes, all of it was to defeat Young Do, in her mind. The negative thoughts were a mantra in her headā¦eventually becoming the questions frequently crossing her mind: how could he and how dare he?
She never did admit to her therapist how large he loomed in her mind.
//
Being home was pleasant and mindless, but Rachel tried very hard not to unravel and revert back to her old self.
Rachel lazed around for a few days, getting facials, massages, running on her treadmill, which sheād specially requested Omma for.
She wasnāt sure if anyone knew she was back, but it wasnāt as if sheād had a large social circle to begin with.
Johnny would be arriving in a few days, something to look forward to.
Rachel was trying very hard indeed.
She tried not to succumb to thoughts that she felt like a ghost in her own hometown. She was trying not to feel like the tree that fell alone in the forest.
Thatās when she would begin to focus on the feeling of her feet hitting the treadmill. The smell of the rose candle sheād lit from Diptyque. The sounds of the embarrassing playlist sheād curated.
Johnny would be here in a few days, and sheād be okay.
She was Yoo Rachel, from Seoul. This was her home. No one could take that away from her.
//
Rachel went shopping.
Omma had suggested meeting for lunch, but Rachel wasnāt holding her to it.
She needed to practice being okayā¦practice being comfortable here.
It wasnāt as if anything had changed drastically, her favorite department store looked the same and smelled the same.
Rachel tried not to dwell on the thoughts that sheād made herself the villain, driven into exile, in her own sad story. Sheād gone into self-imposed exile, and for what? Nothing had changed. The world still turned on its axis. The sun still rose. The waves still crashed. So why had Rachel not come back? Had it all been a futile exercise in torture?
Rachel shook off her thoughts and finished zipping up her dress, by herself, avoiding getting stuck. At least sheād never have to stand nearly naked in front of an undeserving boy.
//
College had been go go go and Rachel had been operating on autopilot for so long that she couldnāt figure out what to do with all this free time.
Following Ommaās advice, Rachel applied to jobs in between Pilatesā classes, pampering sessions, and shopping sprees.
She alsoā¦journaled. Another deep dark secret. She didnāt want to admit that sheād come to this. Journaling. She might as well become a kindergarten teacher and wear funky skirts, touching glitter and doing aegyo, and talking about feelings.
Until she located a new therapist, which she kept putting off, journaling would have to do.
Sometimes her hand would hurt from writing, other times she could barely manage a word.
Sheād started to focus on lists. Lists of things she wanted. A leather jacket. The new Balenciaga hourglass bag. Versace sunglassesāmore extravagant than her usual style, but she was trying new things. Rachel also put a new boyfriend on the list.
Her dating history was a joke.
Sheād barely liked Kim Tan. Had tolerated Lee Hyo Shin, who she had a lot more sympathy for now. Andā¦sheād loved Choi Young Do.
That was an easy thing to admit, but harder to come to terms with. What was the point of loving him? What good had it done her?
Her therapist had pointed out that Rachel should be proud of vulnerability and caring for someone so deeply, and Rachel could only nod. Sheād never told her therapist that vulnerability was a joke in her world. A world where everyone looked for weaknesses to knock each other down in the most complicated ways. A world where fathers went to prison and had secret wives and mothers endured and hid. Rachel hadnāt told her a lot.
She hadnāt dared bring up her father.
Rachelās problems ran too deep.
//
The night before Johnny was flying in, Rachel went to dinner with Omma.
She picked a short flared dress, with a collar. A little preppy, but it was brown leather and complemented her hair. The dress showed off her legs in the best way.
Omma was due to meet her at the restaurant, sheād picked a classic Korean restaurant, opting for comfort and taste.
Rachel headed out, and felt a cold shiver. She hoped it wouldnāt rain.
//
It wasnāt rain.
//
Omma had texted saying she was late, and Rachel had rolled her eyes. Of course she would be late. Of course Rachel would be sitting alone for at least 20 minutes now.
She wasnāt a huge drinker, but sheād gotten bored of Shirley Temples.
Even after taking a sip, Rachel still felt a shiver.
She looked at her phone and only 5 minutes had passed. In the middle of replying to a text from Johnny, she heard a deep voice, āYoo Rachel?ā
Rachel recognized it and slowly looked up to seeā¦Jo Myung Soo.
Fuck.
āH-hi, how are you?ā she offered hesitantly, the wine loosening her tongue.
Myung Soo lookedā¦formidable, his shoulders broader, and confidence in his posture.
āIām good. How are you? I havenāt seen you in such a long time!ā His tone was the same good-natured, slightly exuberant one he used in high school. His energy wasā¦off though. She could feel the anxiety radiating off him.
Heād always been sort of sweet, but Rachel was even less inclined to socialize after such long gap, than she had in high school.
āIāmā¦Iām well. Just waiting to have dinnerā¦withā¦my mom,ā Rachel trailed off lamely, because Myung Soo had started looking around distractedly, tapping his foot.
Why even ask if he didnāt want to engage in small talk? Why even come up to her?
This is why Rachel hated these people.
āAh, nice, thatās nice, where is she?ā He spluttered out, looking over her shoulder.
Was he seriously doing this? Was he looking for her mother? Heād come up to her!
āWhat?ā Rachel snapped in growing irritation? He was rubbing his hand on his neck, eyes darting around.
Why couldnāt have just ignored her?
āNo, I mean, how is she?ā
He was still looking over shoulder, so Rachel didnāt even bother with an answer, swiveling in her chair to see what was occupying this foolās attention so obnoxiously.
Her heart fell.
It was Lee Bo Na and Yoon Chan Young, hesitantly walking towards them.
Myung Soo was saying something now, but Rachel could only hear roaring in her ears.
She wanted to crawl behind the bar, hide under a table, or have the earth swallow her wholeā¦because following themā¦wasā¦theā¦heartbreaker.
Yoo Rachel falls in love with an ex-con named Choi Young Do and together they start a violent crime spree through the country, stealing cars and robbing banks.
