Homemaking is a Sexy, Full Time Vocation, Not Freeloading
Over the years, I’ve received a number of comments like the following:
“What’s the point of having a homemaking partner after the kids reach adolescence and become more independent?”
“I want to be a homemaker. I love to cook and clean.”
“I want to be a homemaker because it would give me lots of free time to to pursue [insert anything not-homemaking here].”
“I wouldn’t be just a homemaker. I’m not a freeloader.”
“Some girls might need you to lead them to understand just how sexy being a homemaker can be.”
In my view, homemaking can be far more than cooking and cleaning and childcare. Whether by choice or necessity, many families get by with a fairly basic version of homemaking; it was by necessity, in my childhood home, and my mom still managed to be the greatest human being to walk the earth. But if you’re fortunate enough to have the option, and if you are passionate about it, then homemaking can be a vocation that occupies more than 40 hours a week, to inestimable benefit to your family and to yourself.
The following is just a first pass at some of the responsibilities and opportunities of what we might call – not even jokingly – an Alpha Housewife.
There is so much to it, and it’s all interconnected, so there’s no one good way to organize this information. Also, I’m a man, and not a homemaker. Thus, this may seem rather like rambling. However, I’d say that the core concept is living better at a lower cost.
If by chance my future princess reads this, don’t be overwhelmed and don’t think you don’t measure up because you don’t already possess every one of these skills. I’d be shocked if anyone was already prepared for this. What’s important is passion and the patience to learn.
Cooking your husband’s 5 favorite dishes. Cooking your favorite dishes. You enjoy dining out on occasion, but you never have to go to a restaurant to have a great meal.
Experimenting to find nourishing foods your kids will willingly eat so that meal time isn’t always a struggle.
Cooking your mother-in-law’s favorite dish and making that dessert she showed you how to make in order to bond with the other side of the family. Cooking your father-in-law’s or brother-in-law’s favorite dish for the same reason. Remembering to use the crystal glassware you were given for your wedding when your parents visit.
Have your husband’s post-workout shake ready when he returns from the gym.
Learning about nutrition, and about the nutritional needs of family members at their various life stages, so that everyone’s needs are met as best as possible without us all swallowing multivitamin pills every day. (E.g., make sure your husband eats tomatoes so that he gets lycopene to prevent prostate cancer so that his dick continues to function well. And you probably want him to steer clear of estrogenic soy products.) Given that science is always evolving and family members are always aging, the need for this will never disappear.
Planning your food shopping so as to economize. E.g., when a certain item that your family enjoys goes on sale, you’re aware of it, and you stock up a portion of the freezer with it.
Learning to cook three dishes from three new cuisines you’ve never tried.
Using foods as a jumping off point for exposing your family to cultures from around the world.
Creating family dinner playlists that feature one composer every week. On Monday nights, tell the family a bit about the composer. On Thursdays, point out one song that illustrates a particular aspect of music theory. All of this info is probably on Wikipedia. Even if no family member ever learns to play an instrument, every one of them will have a better knowledge of music and its history than the majority of their peers.
Visiting local farmers and beekepers and such to learn about their practices and how those practices impact the nutritional value of their produce. Displacing much of your supermarket haul with hormone-free, antibiotic-free, pesticide-free meat, dairy, fruits, vegetables, and honey from producers with environmentally sustainable practices.
Preparing meals ahead of time and freezing them. When the family gets home from an outing later than expected and you’re tired, you can still put a homemade dinner on the table with the help of a microwave. When you’re sick or you just want to take a night to spend the evening at your girlfriend’s birthday party or baby shower, your husband can pull something out of freezer and put a homemade dinner on the table for himself and the kids. When you’ve taken the kids out of town to visit their grandparents but your husband couldn’t take the time off of work, he can microwave dinner for himself.
Sending your husband off to work with a homemade latte in his hand. Sipping your own homemade latte while you’re driving the kids to school. Neither of you ever have to stand in line at Starbucks and spend $4 for a cup of coffee again.
Gardening to grow fresh herbs (insanely expensive at the supermarket, btw) and fresh fruits and vegetables.
Making jam, pies, and turnovers at home – possibly with your own fruit.
Learning to decorate cakes.
Making a winter stew with the vegetables you put away during the summer.
Making ice cream at home with ingredients you can pronounce without being a chemist.
Always having three kinds of cookie dough in the freezer, rolled and pre-sliced. When a friend or one of your husband’s business associates drops by and you’re home, you pop a few cookies in the oven and start a pot of tea or coffee.
Being the home that all the family comes to for holidays. You start preparing two weeks ahead of time, and when the holiday arrives you can enjoy it with the rest of the family instead of spending your whole time in the kitchen.
Being the destination for once-a-month Sunday brunch for all of your friends.
Making an amazing quiche or frittata, so that when your family joins others for that pot luck brunch at someone else’s home, you steal the show.
Planning and executing a basic, four course dinner party. The business owned by your husband no longer has to pay $500 a pop for dinners that impress clients, and you don’t have to blow $50 on a babysitter just to sit by your husband’s side and listen to him discuss business.
Eventually, being able to pull together a dinner party in half a day, in case your husband has an important client who comes to town unexpectedly. Good thing you bought a case of wine when the store down the street got you that deal.
Appearing at your husband’s side at civic, business, and charitable affairs. Sometimes, it’s a gala affair with a beautiful dinner and ballroom dancing. On other occasions, you’re just there to be supportive arm candy. You make him look good, not only because you’re beautiful but because by appearing next to him you make it clear that he has a wonderful home life. This makes him a more desirable business associate because people come to know that he has a stable personal life and he’s able to focus almost entirely on business. Your family reaps a financial benefit.
Making a big deal of your children’s birthday parties.
Hostessing the holiday party for your husband’s team at the office.
Sending a handwritten thank you card the day after you’ve attended a friend’s party.
Remembering everyone’s birthdays with cards.
Getting Christmas cards sent out to everyone you know in early December. Likewise with Chanukah and other winter religious holidays, if cards are appropriate for those.
Making your own cards, if you’re the crafty sort.
Learn to wrap gifts really, really well.
Hostessing the holiday party that all your friends look forward to every year.
Leisurely and smartly shopping for gifts throughout the year, instead of being stressed right before a given occasion.
Managing the household budget. Perhaps your husband handles the taxes, the insurance, the investments, the long term financial planning, and so on, but you know exactly how much it costs to operate your home on a monthly basis. You’ve even learned to include a monthly stipend for unexpected and variable expenses like doctor’s visits, gift shopping, and someone’s clothes being ruined.
You have a cupboard in your home supplied with everything required for basic medical care. You can take care of your family’s aches and pains, upset tummies, sore throats, cuts and scrapes, and even your and your husband’s New Year’s Day hangovers. Periodically, you replace what’s depleted or expired.
You learn about design. Even if you never have the chance to design a home from the ground up, you know enough about shapes, textures, color, and the importance of accounting for function over form to be able to design a home that allows your family to live comfortably, affordably, and beautifully.
You change out your household’s décor with the seasons.
Perhaps your husband handles the mowing, the tree trimming, the heavy duty landscaping, and setting up the flower beds each spring, but those flowers in front of your home wouldn’t be what they are without your help.
You keep a cutting garden in the back and use your own fresh cut flowers in your home décor and table centerpieces.
In the winter, you collect small branches from the local Christmas tree farm and make wreathes for your own home and for those of your friends and family.
You do one or two loads of laundry every weekday morning. It only takes 30-45 minutes of your day, but it means you never have to have a “laundry day” and your husband never has to ask where his pants are when he’s rushing out the door to a business meeting.
You starch and iron your husband’s dress shirts and iron his slacks and chinos. You have time to shop around so that your clothes are pretty but can also be washed at home. It’s rare that you have to take your clothes and money to the cleaners.
You hand-wash your panties instead of throwing them in the washing machine so they last three times as long.
Examining your busy husband’s clothes for wear and stains once a month. Replacing his basic chinos and slacks. Replacing his standard white and blue dress shirts and his solid color polos. Replacing his gym clothes. Keeping your husband’s drawers stocked with underwear and basic white, black, brown, and blue socks. Buying him a colorful shirt that you like and that is on clearance; he can wear it with his blue blazer when he takes you out to dinner. He’ll still need to buy his own suits and try on shoes, but all of the above can be taken off of his plate.
Learn to sew just enough to be able to replace a button on your husband’s and son’s shirts, and to take in their shirts at the waist rather than needing the tailor to do it.
Learn to sew more, and make your own table linens. (They’re just hemmed rectangles, after all.)
Learn to sew more, learn about fashion and fabrics, and make some of your family’s clothes.
Learn to use the embroidery function on a sewing machine and embroider your husband’s monogram on his shirt sleeves. Do it for your sons’ shirts and they’ll be the most sophisticated kids in their classes.
Understand that this is real life, not a fantasy in which you bounce around with a feather duster in your panties. The fact is that every time you open the door of your home – whether to go out; to send your husband or kids out; to let in a friend, business associate, or service technician; or to receive a package – your family’s reputation will be affected. Like it or not, people will form opinions of you based on how well put together you look, how nicely you behave, and how well kept your home is. Like it or not, there is every possibility that this will affect your husband’s business opportunities – not to mention the social opportunities your children have.
Set aside a few hours per week to volunteer for causes you and your family care about. Volunteering can also be another chance to put your education to use. Did you study psych in college? Maybe you can counsel teens at the local drop-in shelter. Did you study environmental science? Perhaps you want to chair an ad hoc nonprofit that negotiates with the city and a for-profit company to clean up the local river, raises funds to pay for it, and finds a legal team to sue the company that polluted. Volunteer work is also an important way for you to make social connections for your family, and those can benefit you and your family by creating business opportunities for your husband and social opportunities for all of you.
Make time during the day for a little relaxation and fun time with your friends. Have lunch. Have coffee. Have a glass of wine just for the heck of it. Take a nap. Go to the museum without screaming children. You need this, and your husband knows it.
Make time just before your husband gets home from work to give yourself and your home the once over. Check your hair, your makeup if you wear it, and your clothes. Refresh your perfume. Make sure the table is set for dinner, dinner is mostly prepared, your husband’s favorite beverage is ready to be poured, and the kids’ toys are at least out of the common space.
This isn’t exactly part of homemaking, but it is part of a submissive wife’s responsibilities, so you’ll have to plan for it. Make sure you’re fuckable whenever you and your husband are together. Not only is it his right to fuck you when he wishes, but you’ll probably enjoy the spontaneity, too.
Note that, aside from laundry, we haven’t even touched on cleaning or on basic childcare – let alone bringing up children with superb academic skills, healthy social development, knowledge of the world that is not taught in schools, and impeccable manners.
Did you do all of that and get bored? I’m pretty sure that’s impossible, but, if so, how about making your own cheese? Yogurt? Bread? Your own wine? A homemade beer your husband will enjoy? You can also give any of these as gifts, displacing the cost and hassle of purchased gifts.
You almost certainly won’t be able to accomplish all of the above in the near future, and there are many more possibilities than are listed here. There is literally no end to what you can do as a homemaker or to the benefits accrued to yourself and to your family.
This isn’t about financial domination, as I’ve heard some suggest. Instead, this is just another form of partnership. You have your role, and your husband has his – and you will probably enjoy a lot more flexibility than he does. You and your husband (mostly you, probably) get to decide what is important and desirable, and you get to match the available options to your talents. Your husband will answer to faceless customers, to a boss, or both, and, if he’s lucky, he will sometimes be appreciated. Your work will be deeply appreciated by the people who matter most in your life.
You are the nexus of your home and of your family. You may be dependent on your husband for money, but, when the kids need something, they’re coming to you – and, frankly, so is your husband. Your husband may be the CEO, setting the long term direction, course, and strategy for your family, and making the biggest decisions; but you’re the COO (Chief Operations Officer) and nothing would get done without you. We literally can’t get through the day without you.
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