LOSER!

he/him just an anonymous place to dump my thoughts and hopefully make someone else feel less alone i am a gay autistic trans man, if you are a bigot in any way you will be blocked.

[boyblogger17]

I do not miss my father. (Short vent, TW for descriptions of verbal and emotional abuse)

I do not miss my father. I'm glad when he's away and annoyed in his presence. My mother enables him, acting like it's my responsibility to control his toddler tantrums when he goes on a rager about the smallest things. Almost always directed at me. I think he hates me, though he'd never own up to it if he was asked directly. He likes to see himself as a good parent, but only because he's never hit me like his father did to him. Though if he's really angry (and usually drunk) he yells about how he wishes I was never born and how he should've hit me, and maybe I would've turned out better.

Even after all the years of dealing with it, I still cry like a child if he yells, or if anyone yells at me for that matter. I'm deathly scared of being in trouble or doing something wrong. Raised voices make my heart race and my flight or fight instinct kick in. But I always freeze and try to swallow back my tears.

I try to tell myself that I don't care, that I hate my dad and it's that simple. But it's not. There are times when he's nice and I question whether I'm being dramatic. Others go through worse, don't they? There is attachment in my heart for him. He was supposed to take care of me and make me safe and loved. He's failed at what a father is supposed to do. In all my relationships he has affected me somehow. I need constant verbal affirmation that I am loved. I am a people pleaser out of fear that disagreeing with someone, even over the most banal things, will make them dislike me. Authority figures, espeically male, scare me. I never want to risk being shouted at.

How do I reconcile with someone who always assumes the worst about me? Someone who is always looking for a reason to be angry? I don't know. I wish I knew.

[boyblogger17]

i feel like a man in the same way a tomato is a fruit

[boyblogger17]

does anyone wanna tap this limited edition gooch before i blow my shit clean off

[boyblogger17]

being the child my dad hated is a mad ting like why is it when i get emotional or start yelling (because he was being a cunt) im overreacting because he's already internalised that im useless and stupid and refuses to have his mind changed 🥹❤️❤️ he has also never apologised a single time for making me miserable btw

[boyblogger17]

i dont care if i am an unattractive man, i dont care if im an average man, i do not care if i am completely unremarkable, i just want to be a man. i dont want to feel guilt for choosing to do the hard thing anymore and i dont want to keep having intrusive thoughts about if im wrong - i know deep in my soul this is what i need, and i could never live a happy life as a woman, but that doesnt stop my stupid voice in my head that never stops unless im asleep or intoxicated.

i want a flat chest, i dont want my weight to settle on my thighs and hips anymore, i want a penis, and that isnt a dirty desire. im sick of having to force myself to be fine with what i have and try not to think about it because the system is so awfully rigged and expensive.

idk. i wish i could be a happy cis gay man whos confident in his identity and doesnt have to question whether its even worth it every single day.

[boyblogger17]

imagine my surprise when I bought xans back in the day specifically to abuse them and they just made me normal

[boyblogger17]

rare aesthetic: being the disabled youngest child after your parents have already kinda given up on parenting so they make no effort to understand your disabilities and blame you for things out of your control. is this anything

[boyblogger17]

booty bumping is the gayest possible way to get high. hence why i did it so much to the point where i started bleeding out my ass #fun #gay

[boyblogger17]

ashamed to admit this but when i was in active addiction my life is a party went triple platinum to the point where it was my top song on spotify in 2024

[boyblogger17]

underneath it all i am just a scared hurt little boy who cried loudly in my room for hours on end after my dad yelled at me, hoping he would apologise or someone would comfort me but no one ever did. he would just drink and drink and yell at me more, accusing me of faking my tears for sympathy. i never understood what i did wrong.

[boyblogger17]

every time i go to visit my parents i am reminded why i dont fucking like them. yeah thanks dad i really wanted to come see you just so you can call me useless and hopeless and worthless and that you wish you never had me that does wonders for my self esteem. plus my mother completely dismissing the fact that i am disabled and comparing me to my sister. nobody here understands me and i get so angry i start crying and cant even stand up for myself

[boyblogger17]

im on pornhub searching up 'real couple' and 'couple making love'. this is what a lifetime of no sex and no boyfriend does to a mf

[boyblogger17]

how come blocking and not interested does fucking nothing on this website like no i do not want to be constantly reminded of the weird thing i jerked off to 2 months ago leave me alone!!

[boyblogger17]

my worst fear quite genuinely is having a clingy child that wont give me 5 seconds of peace. like i understand that its not the childs fault and im not one of those people that irrationally hate children because they are people too (woah shocker) but i think even 30 minutes with a kid who wont even leave me alone to piss would make me go insane

[boyblogger17]

when am i gonna snap back into reality for serious because literally nothing phases me anymore. even though i should be stressed im just not. nothing matters and nothing motivates me to do anything

[boyblogger17]

sometimes all a man desires is to chainsmoke and wank at the same time. maybe take a bong rip in between rounds idk

[boyblogger17]

if i knew the job market and economy was gonna be this bad as an adult i would ended it at 13 no joke. but im not tryna make my family depressed as well so we ball