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Spongerobert rectangular trousers

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I care too much what people think about me. I always try to justify my actions to them, even if they didn’t ask. I need them to approve of me. I need to let go of the need for approval and assert myself.

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People’s eyes are like daggers into my soul

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Torturing myself with phantoms

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“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

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“But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25 so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”

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Stick your hand in my side

Seeing is believing

Blessed is he who believes yet does not see

Internal eye, blind sight

Sense the quiet whisper

Among the rushing wind

The earthquake

The fire

Climb up on high

And listen to the air

Flap of a gnats wings

Resonates like a gong

Rattling the heart

Noise inside

Drowns out the screams

Between the ears

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Do you remember being a little kid and having no sense of self? I did have one, but it was different. I was capable of comparing myself to others, but I only did it if I had a reason to, like if someone made fun of me or something. But in my general interactions with people I was totally authentic and comfortable, no thoughts of judgment or what they think about me. I just connected honestly with them. How do I go back to that? I am so aware of myself now. It holds me back. Makes me selfish and vain. And stops me from being helpful or genuine with people.

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External object

Self encompassing

Body detached and external uniting

Are we different or are you me?

Perception is self

Even as another

What I see is what you are

What you see is what I am

Only look above

Ego internal and outside universal

All are one yet many

Is what we see what truly is?

Feel don’t see

Quiet whisper

Eternal truth

Quiet the mind and hear the breath of life

Tongues of flame descending upon

The one and many

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Yesterday I told a priest that I was afraid of people too much and he told me to meditate and dig something up from my childhood that I need healing for. Well today I had a strong hallucination of a smell of a certain food I used to eat as a little kid. Haven’t really had the food since. I googled it to see if I’m the only person in the world this happens too. Found an article saying olfactory hallucinations occur in people with anxiety and trauma. Then it clicked: every time I hallucinate a food, it’s one I haven’t had since early childhood. Is something trying to come out? In my meditation I kept thinking of this one daycare I went to at ages 3-5. That’s the age the foods usually remind me of. I’ll keep better track of this. Very interesting this happened the day after I started meditating on this. However, I also read it’s associated with migraines, and I have a slight one right now on the same side I smelled the smell. So maybe I am just being schizo.

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Bathed in blood

But coming out cleaner

Washed away fear by drowning in it

A fish doesn’t notice water

Desensitized to the scent of death

Metallic taste

Growing gills and learning to swim

Complete surrender

Instant effortlessness

I flow along

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“Look between the lines of lyrics

So long as you think you hear it”

…………..

“Fuck with life but don't come near it”

………….

“Sacrifice yourself for an idol

Wasted life, an ego entitled

Visions of grandeur in your mind

Siphoning other people

Following delusions in your mind

Another marker that you hold to be divine”

…………

“Never believe an object

Could nourish you the way another person would

Don't confuse yourself with nothing”

Wow! Wow…

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Is it love or is it selfishness?

Devil’s tricks

Taking good and turning it to destruction

Blood to sewage

Life to death

Do I need to save myself?

Or him?

Flash of time flickers out like a spark

What will remain?

Am I attached to myself or to another?

Are we one?

Why am I blind to this

Except for this once?

Longing in my otherwise still heart

Vague desires

Centered around a perpetual flame

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Sour in the pit of my stomach

Is he an idol?

Or is it God’s love overflowing?

Obsession

Fixation on justice

It is not in my hands

I see my heart beat as I listen

It’s a choice to be alive

God can guide him

Choose to be alive

Please let him choose to be alive…

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Walking along the path

Thoughts pop up like bubbles around me

Can’t look at them

Stay in my peripheral vision

If one is important

It will meet me later down the path

Just trust the right things will be

At the end of the road

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Please flow out of me. Tired but on a mission. What is my direction? Where am I going? I know where I want to go but is it right? So tired. Can’t think. Pure feeling. Trust god, just go out. What will lead to what? Gotta do things to find the treasure. God will lead me. Gotta go. Get up and walk on. Wanna go to you so bad. But gotta let go if necessary. Just go and trust it will be to the right place. Have my goal in mind but trust that I might be lead there. Or somewhere else. Wherever I end up, it’s right. Can’t be sidetracked. It’s hard to know if I’m staying on the right path or leading myself astray by being laser focused on my goal. So I have to just let the thoughts pop up around me and not look at them too much. Gotta keep moving forward. But what if it seems right in front of me? Blocking my vision? Just keep walking. Don’t judge. Don’t accept, don’t reject. Just watch. Do nothing. I fuck everything up. God will push me in the right direction. I know he will. God, guide my thoughts and my feelings and clear my mind. Help me see meaning and be wise. Discerning. And patient. And trusting. Amen.

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Peace, ethereal mood

Ambience of time

Frozen, pure stillness eternal

Wanna be with you

Always am

Everywhere, everyone at once

Soul connected like a thread

One body

Passing thoughts like a wave

Through the ether

Wind blowing me to you and you to me

We are the breeze

Gas blowing, bubbles floating

Pinging together and bouncing away

But never separated