Take a Second Look

It's life through my eyes. Look around you, the world is constantly changing. People are moving, things are changing, but somewhere in all the chaos, we find peace.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“She is a beautiful piece of broken pottery, put back together by her own hands. And a critical world judges her cracks while missing the beauty of how she made herself whole again.”

— J.M. Storm

[breatheinuniverse]

He doesn't bring me flowers...

There's just so many times you can show someone that you're all in and be put off before you give up.

I guess I just hate not knowing. After two years he still can't even fucking talk to me about what's on his mind. I'm sick of the "maybe someday's" and wondering what the fuck is going through his head... It's the same thing every time. "I'm sorry. I'm not used to being able to talk to someone." Sorry just isn't cutting it anymore.

I really do feel like I need some space, if only to find the person I used to be again. But really, I'm just tired of constantly having questions. It's not the emotional connection that I'm craving, because I believe that he feels like he loves me. But his mind is always wrapped up in other things, liking getting promoted at work and trying to get his IT certifications knocked out which is great. I'm happy he's trying to improve on himself, but I feel like I'm not a priority in his life and I shouldn't have to wait around for him to be ready to make me a priority.

It's hard, you know? Being the only that knows that the relationship is right and will go the distance if only the waiting wasn't killing the whole thing. I don't want to wait for him to be ready for me.

[breatheinuniverse]

I'm so broken inside.

Last night, my roommate held me down by my throat and began touching me in whichever ways he pleased. I begged him to please stop.. but he was drunk. He didn't realize his own strength as the more I resisted, the harder he choked me. The further he forced my legs apart... I started seeing darkness at one point, I couldn't breathe, and I was light headed, and all I can really remember from is the pain of his hand around my neck as he pressed harder with each plea, and his hand between my legs. I remember he pressed himself up against me while he touched me, and I could feel his desire to go further, but I started seeing black. My grip loosened around his hand, and after that it's just black...

[breatheinuniverse]

Is there some sort of sign?

Seriously, is there some sort of sign on my forehead that reads "Please sexually assault me"? I can't handle this...

It's like the more I say "No" and "please stop", it's inviting more. I can feel the bruises forming around my throat... I can feel my body trembling from the fear... I can see the dead look returning to my eyes as I check myself in the mirror...

[breatheinuniverse]

When I was sixteen, I lost sight of my hopes and dreams. Becoming the person I thought I was meant to be was lost the moment I tried to say "no". The only thing that I can remember from that year was saying "No, I'm not ready" before my dignity was taken from me.

 It was in that moment, that one painful moment in my life that I learned that what I said or did didn't matter. I had only hoped that the blood running down my wrists would be an escape from harsh reality that I was forced to live in.  No one cares. Who would care about someone who couldn't defend herself? I was just another notch in someone's bedpost.i began to tune the world out, because now it seemed like that's all I could do to make it through. The only solace I could find was through headphones, knives, and pens.

Eventually, the years progressed, and I was eightteen. I thought I had grown... I was out of high school and trying to make a name for myself. Until someone decided that my name wasn't what they wanted. They wanted my pain. My suffering was what meant the most to them. Sure, I hated myself enough already. But slapping me around and calling me harsh names seemed to really drive it home. When I was nineteen, I learned that there wasn't a damn thing in this world that I deserved besides pain. Any ounce of happiness that I could get my hands on was ripped from me, and used to cause the bleeding cuts on my body and the bruises across my cheek. Let's not forget about the bruises that couldn't be seen. The ones I hid behind long sleeved shirts and painkillers. Those were the good ones. Those bruises reminded me of exactly what I am. Worthless. I never went home that week...

Time goes on... I was twenty. I was happy, or so I thought. I didn't realize that I was being manipulated. Used for someone's simple pleasures, only to be cast aside when something better came along. I was so naive... But I loved feeling wanted, so I kept coming back. I was on that leash for so long. Just when I got far enough away from it to start gaining a clear head, I was pulled back by the neck to be fooled into thinking I was wanted again. I got past that eventually. It still hurts.

Now I'm twenty five. I'm terrified to let something good come along, because when I reach for it, it will disappear. I willingly desire the pain that was brought to me for so long. I whole heartedly believe that I am nothing more than an object to be used and tossed aside when I suddenly become boring. I feel like I deserve the pain, and that upon receiving it, some how everything will be right again. I expect for the world to come crumbling down on me when I start to feel a glimmer of hope. I need that pain to remind me of where I came from. From the pleas of mercy, begging for it all to end... to the blood I let fall to the floor, trying to escape this cruel world I've had to endure. I crave the chaos that comes when I no longer have control over my own actions, when I'm frozen and unable to move, be it from fear or otherwise. I thrive on my own fear, expecting the pain to come along when I try to do good. So I just don't. I desire the sting in my skin from the blade piercing my flesh, that high alone was enough to remind me why I was here. Only now, I'm right back to where I started: Letting someone else cause the pain that brings my existence to a full circle.

[breatheinuniverse]

I. Need. Subspace.

That is all.

[breatheinuniverse]

I'm not okay.

[breatheinuniverse]

I don't want to be followed by someone while I'm chasing my dreams, only because I don't quite yet know what those dreams are. I'm fighting this battle, see... it's with my younger self who said she wanted to be married and starting a family by the age of twenty five. My present self, who is only six months away from twenty five is terrified of the road to come. I am not ready to settle down. I desire nothing more than to find the path that will lead me to be the person I am meant to become. Being tied down doesn't seem like a viable option at this stage in my life. I feel as though it will hinder me from truly searching for that path I need to find.

I find myself reconnecting with old friends, and lately that seems to be the only thing that excites me. Seeing their names pop up on my phone is what I anxiously wait for. When their names finally do appear, I can't help but to feel good inside. Like a warm, fuzzy feeling that is rare to come by. It makes me smile. I've distanced myself from the world I live in. Mainly because the thought of the world outside of my own just seems better than the one I'm in, perhaps because I'm not in it. I suppose the grass is greener on the other side, no?

[breatheinuniverse]

I find myself reverting back to my old ways. I prefer to be distanced from the world around me, that way they don't know what trials I'm working through. I have thoughts... Thoughts a normal person-  a healthy person wouldn't typically have. I would be driving down the highway and have the sudden urge to crank the steering wheel in whatever direction would cause a major accident, hoping that maybe, just maybe I wouldn't survive it. The world would be better off, right? I would no longer be trapped in this life that I loathe so much. I want to take the sharpest blade I can find, and slice my wrists, if only to feel the pain. Pain is what makes me feel alive, reminding me that physically I am still here, even if my thoughts are gone with the wind. I probably should seek help, but in all honesty... I don't want it. I like feeling the way I do. It is a piece of me that the rest of the world doesn't know about, so I don't have to share it. These feelings, these thoughts, they are what make me who I am. I just can't help but wonder: Would the world be a better place without me? I don't contribute anything to the grand scheme of things, so why should I stick around?

[breatheinuniverse]

I always wondered where my life would end up. If I had been asked five years ago where I thought I'd be, I would have never thought to say "Across the country dealing casino games." I find myself reminiscing the aspirations I held onto for so long, and the more I ponder, the more depressed I become. I never took the steps to realize those dreams, so I sit here and convince myself that I've missed my opportunity. I will be 25 this year, long past the age to start my college career and become a journalist. I never wrote on a school newspaper, and I never attended college other than a trade school. I considered taking steps to realize my goals, but I ask myself, where do I begin? It is truly difficult to find hard hitting stories that inspired me like the past. It would seem that everything is a fluff piece these days, and if it doesn't fit into some agenda or another, the story wouldn't make it past my own computer screen.

[breatheinuniverse]

I once had outstanding aspirations. Somewhere along the lines, the stars in my young eyes dimmed. The light faded, leaving room for hopelessness and confusion. The once courageous and unrelenting girl I had been had disappeared into the dark realm of reality, seeming to lose sight of her dreams forever. Until one day, forever ended. I reminisced, pondering all the days I spent daydreaming in a classroom, scribbling  miscellaneous thoughts unto the notebook that lay before me on my desk. My eyes lit up once more as they visualized the countless hours I spent wearing headphones to block out the surrounding world. Oh, how I miss when my world revolved around music and words. The sole entity of my life was lost in an alternate reality, one that wasn't mine. The aspirations I once held came to me once more, clawing at the brick that buried them years ago. I find myself more melancholy these days in lieu of the fact that I haven't the faintest sense of how to go about making those dreams into a life that I could live - the one that I hoped I could live all along. My ever curious mind, always asking questions, always analyzing situations before they ever happened... It seemed that those days had been long gone. Or so I thought. I still find myself in a pensive state, though not in the sense I'd prefer to be. It's all relative, really. A subconscious state of mind that I had lost control of -a subsequent result of adulthood. Days, weeks, months, and eventually years went by before I finally realized that the once ambitious girl I was had disappeared from the world, hiding behind her insecurities and letting life pass her by.

[breatheinuniverse]

So That Explains It.

I wondered why you stopped speaking with me after seeing me. I thought I had said or done something. Did I remind you of something painful?

We used to be able to talk for hours, telling each other anything that would ever come to mind. Now it seems like you want nothing to do with me.

What happened to us? We can't have possibly changed so much over the years.

I'm sorry I couldn't be enough for you.

I'm sorry my friendship didn't seem worth it to you.

I'm just sorry...

[breatheinuniverse]

Sometimes...

I wonder if I should just jerk my steering wheel and crash into the highway wall. Would anyone miss me?

I feel like I would be better off leaving this world behind me.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Sometimes it’s easier to pretend that you don’t care than to admit that it’s killing you.”

— Wiz Khalifa

[radio-silents]

see you space cowboy

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Long after the mind forgets the details, the heart remembers the feelings.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[there-is-still-some-liquor-left]

when welcome to night vale said: “Sleep heavily and know that I am here with you. The past is gone, and cannot harm you anymore. And while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first, and settles in as the gentle present. This now, this us, we can cope with that. We can do this together you and I.”