It’s been awhile. and I think I’m sitting down to type, because I feel trapped in my mind. I only write when my brain is filled with thoughts that I can’t voice out loud.
I’ve gained 10-15 pounds over the last 2ish years. I stand on the scale and it’s 3 digits instead of 2 and my whole body wants to shut down. I see it in my face, and see how round it has gotten. I see it in my thighs and my stomach that no longer is flat against my jeans. I pick apart the image daily. I cry when my boyfriend isn’t home so that he doesn’t roll his eyes and tell me to just go to the gym.
It’s more than just going to the gym. It’s an entire mental state that needs to change. But I’m scared of getting into a habit that will have me at 80 pounds again and barely surviving.
But I cry and cry and cry any time I have to undress. I cry every single time I do my makeup and have to figure out how to contour my cheeks and jawline to fool others into thinking I’m skinny still.
I scroll through Instagram and cry. I compare myself to so many others that it drives me insane. I am fucking 26 years old and comparing my image to younger, more youthful women. And it’s destroying me.
I literally am saving money to get fillers in my face, in hopes that it’ll change how I feel. I want to get a separate gym membership from my boyfriend so I can go and run daily by myself. For hours. And not have to hear him make me lift weights.
I’m going insane. I figured by now, I’d be happier with my image. But it’s the same shit as it was at 18. And I’m scared it will literally never change.
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