[brokenheartedbitch1000]

In my defense, I have none

For never leaving well enough alone

But it would’ve been fun

If you would’ve been the one

- Taylor Swift (the 1)

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about you, about that day.

I remember wearing my green Woodstock shirt with my favorite jean shorts. I remember how excited I was for the party and how I would get to see you. I remember how you were all over me all night. I remember feeling butterflies when you asked if I needed a ride home because I knew I would get to spend time alone with you. I remember you pulling into a parking lot, saying how you just wanted to talk. I remember you kissing me when I was in the middle of a sentence. I remember feeling so lucky because I had just had my first kiss. I remember when we moved to the backseat and you started grabbing at me more forcefully. I remember when you started to unbutton my shorts. I remember when I grabbed your hands to try and stop you but ultimately gave in. I remember when the butterflies turned to nausea. I remember holding in my cries. I remember trying to remind myself to be brave and how lucky I was. I remember moving back to the front seat when it was done and not saying a word. I remember silently crying on the way home. I remember when you kissed me goodnight and when you asked if I was okay, I just nodded my head yes. I remember walking into my bedroom and bursting into tears. I remember throwing away the underwear I was wearing. I remember not being able to look at myself in the mirror. I remember feeling ashamed. I remember when you never called. I remember not eating for months because I hated how I looked. I remember trying to justify what happened and ultimately blaming myself. I remember reminding myself that I would still get that fairytale ending I always dreamed of. I remember losing my innocence. But most importantly, I remember that I was fifteen and you were nearly eighteen.

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I’m trying to remind myself how lucky I am.

I’m trying to remember all of the amazing opportunities I have and the amazing moments I experience everyday.

But I feel like there is something missing.

And deep down, I know it’s you.

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I’m still waiting for you.

I don’t even know if it’s totally conscious, but I find myself sitting and waiting for you. I find myself sitting by the phone waiting for you to call. I find myself standing in the doorway waiting for your car to pull in the driveway. I find myself waiting for you to come and sweep me off my feet.

But it’s been a year and you haven’t come. You never apologized, you never called, and you never came back for me. I swore on my life that you would, that you were different but you weren’t. You aren’t.

You don’t deserve me sitting and waiting for you, and yet I still do.

Maybe one day you will come back for me, but by then I hope it’s too late. I hope the right person steps in before you even have the chance to think about coming back. I hope I fall in love with someone who appreciates and loves everything about me.

But I hope one day you realize how much you missed out on, how much you screwed up. I hope you never forget me because deep down I know, that I’ll never forget you.

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I wish you knew that I was still here. I’m still rooting for you, always.

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I fucked up.

That’s really all I can say. I mean I had everything I wanted, I had you, and I fucked it all up. I got emotional and clingy and obsessed and depressed and then bam you were gone before I could even realize my mistakes.

But you weren’t perfect. You were stubborn and avoidant and angry and needy yet funny and smart and caring and loving and the most amazing person I had ever met.

Our end seems like forever ago, yet it still plays in my mind everyday. You apologizing over and over and even though I cried, you told me how you just couldn’t do it anymore. You hanging up the phone before I even got the chance to say goodbye and I love you.

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully understand why you let go, but I’ve realized my mistakes. And I’ve beaten myself up for it and it’s still so hard to move forward. I think to myself, “How were you not the one?”

But all I can say is that I fucked up, you fucked up, we were both fucked from the beginning.

It was never going to work, that’s what everyone said and yet we both held on, until you finally let go. And here I am, still hanging on almost a year later. I see guy after guy after guy, and yet you’re the only one I truly see.

Maybe we were fucked, but maybe it’s ok to have hope. Maybe you are the one or maybe you aren’t. Maybe I’m meant to be alone.

All I know is that I miss you and I regret my mistakes. I regret not appreciating you when I had the opportunity. I regret not giving you the benefit of the doubt and pushing you when you didn’t want to be pushed.

I’m sorry and maybe one day we’ll meet again, but maybe there is someone else out there for me. Who know really?

All I know is that I really fucked up.

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I’d rather try a million times with you than start over with someone else

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I was so afraid of you leaving that I pushed you away

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

Reading through my posts makes me feel so happy and yet so sad. Yes it’s true, I found the love of my life. But then he left and it hurts like hell. I’m thankful for the memories and everything he gave me, but I just wish he would come back already

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I didn’t want to be the one that got away.

I just wanted to be the one.

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I thought you were the love of my life, but you turned out to be the love who changed my life

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

Currently going through the worst breakup ever

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I miss you so fucking much

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I may not believe in god, but I pray that you’re the one

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I know that I want to do long distance so we can have a future together, but it will be so hard not having you in my arms everyday

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

I used to think we were soulmates, but the more we grow, the more I realize we are meant to be apart.

[brokenheartedbitch1000]

A letter I’ll never send…

I love you. You are my best friend and I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. And each day I continue to fall more in love with you, the more I realize how you’re slowly pulling away. But it’s because you don’t love me the way I love you. Because I am not her. You don’t love me the way you loved her. You gave her the random “I love you” texts and the endless phone calls because you missed her voice. You posted her on Instagram and surprised her with flowers when you knew she was having a bad day. You weren’t hesitant to show your love and hold her when she needed it. I want that. You tell me you just never want to fall that hard for someone again because it was unhealthy, but I know it’s because I’m not her. I want the endless phone calls and random “I love you” texts. I want to be surprised with flowers and be held when I’m having a bad day. I want more than anything to be her. Because you are my him. You are the one I will never forget, you are the one that everyone else will be compared to. In my eyes, you are my everything. But in your eyes, I’m just temporary.