Invisible

30.female.not perfect.emotional.sarcastic.caring.

[thedvrkmike]

[hellomynameisbisexual]

[brokensoulunknown]

I often wonder what I did to disappoint my mother so much.

[itsalongbro]

[asdfghjkllkjjhgfds-deactivated2]

that song >

[iheartlilkim]

[myownfashiionbook]

Germfree Styrene on @weheartit.com - http://whrt.it/VvD8IU

[gahhhdamn]

never read something that explained me so well

[hikoiii]

Woah

[groovygodd]

MY WHOLE FUCKIN LIFE RT HERE

[brokensoulunknown]

I never want anyone especially my friends and family to mistake me speaking (or venting) with conviction about my experiences as a cry for attention.

I say things in particular ways because I need my life, my feelings, my interactions with others and the world to be a tough reality.

It keeps me grounded and it keeps me in a place of live through it, learn from it and grow through it all.

[56blogsstillcrazy]

[biyaself]

Real questions

[brokensoulunknown]

I haven’t been on this tumblr in forever

shesh

[brokensoulunknown]

I have reached a point where I'm completely over the multiple sex partners, F.W.B etc. Thing. I've spent the last few years bopping and weaving bad relationships, failed attempts at getting to know people and on going on call sexual relationships. Casual sex has become something to just do instead of enjoy and really want. It's always been easier to get sex but not the relationship. I'm over being the girl who's only seen at night, snuck into and around the house and fucked in a car. I never really wanted it but I figured this is what I can get might as well take advantage. In the long run it wasn't even worth it as I got nothing out of it. Niggas were/are more concerned with getting their than pleasing you. Weak, wack, low grade pipe game is not in my future like it has been in the later portion of my life. I'm almost willing now to give up sex (again) to wait around and see if my luck will change. May be someone will come along and want me in more than a sexual way. May be my luck will turn around and it's not a guy interested in me but has a gf. I've run out of personal hope for a relationship or significant other BUT I do still long intimacy. I crave for someone to want me, need me, love me, enjoy me, take their time with me, show me how to love and be loved. Maybe I'm asking for too much, maybe I want too much, maybe this void I have will never be filled. I have so much to give and it's wasted because no one can see past the average looks and fat body. I won't waste anymore of my time being wrapped up or lost in people that don't want more from me. One thing is for sure and two things are for certain, I want more, I deserve more.

[brokensoulunknown]

I'm so tired of fighting.

[brokensoulunknown]

I'm dead about to say fuck everything and hop on a plane. It solves nothing but I'm just over everything.

[brokensoulunknown]

Everyone expects me to stay the same. Everyone thinks I'm the same person I used to be, I'm not. I know I've changed in many ways, but I also don't know how I've changed. May be I just don't see it because I don't want to. May be I don't get it because I don't know who I was and who I am now. I'm confused but I'm also over being expected to stay the same.

[brokensoulunknown]

The crazy thing is no matter how hard I try and what I do to keep myself to myself I'm still in the wrong. It's beyond tiring and emotionally draining to constantly fight with someone.

[brokensoulunknown]

Sometimes I wish that I was better at expressing feelings, more so I wish people didn't give up on me so easily.

[brokensoulunknown]

5/21/14

As a child I never opposed coming home, I never felt desire to stay away. Despite the constant not knowing of what was to be expected when I walked in the house it was not enough of a reason to keep me away. Of course during the rough and very crucial times I didn't want to be in the house and I just wanted to get away. But now that I've grown up and some relationships have worked and others have failed, there's a sense of not wanting to be in the house. Particularly my relationship with my mother has never been close it continuously became a battle of dislike between the both of us. This continued and still continues and it's only gotten worse as I've grown older. Today I feel that sense of not wanting to deal or be in the house. I dread being alone with my mother and living with her. I hate having to interact with her, I hate her a spiteful ways, I hate the hypocrisy she carries out, I hate the disgusting person she not only is to family but friends. I've lived my life standing up to her and not putting up with all the nonsense other people let her get away with. We've always bumped heads and I'm just at my last ends. Nothing feels more sad than not having a relationship with a parent and not having anyone in your life who can identify with that. Time after time I work to cohabitate and maintain some kind of relationship with her, more so because she's my mother. As of right now I just feel completely done. I'm tired of exhausting myself to keep peace with her and to abide by her rules. I work so hard within to not be like her or my father. The anger, depression, and total unhappiness they have in life is unreal. I can't and won't be that way and each day it gets harder and harder to do better and not follow their steps. It's miserable living in a house with someone who tests and treats you like shit passive aggressively. From my weight to the way I dress to what and how much I eat to education to how and what I cook and everything in between I don't have any energy left. I'm emotionally damaged and mentally done. I truly don't know what to do at this point all I do is coexist in this house.