Goals

Just a collection of photos I hope my future looks like and the lessons that help me get there

[brughtfuture]

I love myself despite what the world has done to me.

[brughtfuture]

I was so quite and showed kindness but tried to show strength at the same time. Until it was stepped through. Disregarded. I felt disregarded.

[brughtfuture]

I felt like I was nothing. I felt like I was replaceable. I felt like I wasn’t special.

All I’ve ever wanted was someone who saw the spark in me and the quirks that made me different. Someone who acknowledged I just loved life.

But I don’t love life anymore. I go and watch the sunset but it’s not as good as the day before and I can’t tell myself I don’t mind. I don’t feel my heart do a flip when I see a cool cloud. I don’t find myself looking up to see good things anymore.

I’m not searching to be happy. I don’t want to be happy. I don’t want to be alive.

[brughtfuture]

All I wanted was somebody to love me and what I got what someone you reached into my heart and ripped open every year I’d carefully stitched up. Whose words flipped the very switches I hid so very deep.

I was sliced open and ripped apart then asked to love. Asked to be lovely. Asked to be sure. Asked to not be in pain.

[brughtfuture]

I can’t talk about it. I can only cry or scream it.

[brughtfuture]

I feel a bit nervous for the procedure. I know I’m doing this for myself and also for my future children. Im excited to begin recovery. Im eager to feel better and get better.

Im feeling concerned about just laying there.

[brughtfuture]

I feel too old to be single

I don’t want to be seen as pitiful because I’m still single.

[brughtfuture]

I’m scared. I’m excited. I feel like I want to have more purpose. More direction. I can’t do that in the current state I’m in.

[brughtfuture]

But I don’t want to be alone.

[brughtfuture]

I want to be alone.

[brughtfuture]

I’m so sad.

Life is rough.

I’m struggling.

What’s new.

I miss part of my life until I look back and realise there were echoes of these feelings throughout the whole thing.

I want to just be happy.

I want to just be seen.

I want to just be loved.

[brughtfuture]

It’s not fair but I blame a lot of how I’m feeling on him.

I just don’t see this as my future.

[brughtfuture]

I am so quiet and kind that they forget that I suffer

[brughtfuture]

I don’t like calling him my boyfriend. I don’t feel lucky to be in this relationship. I don’t look to the future excited. My attitude is more of this overall “I guess this will do”. I’ve felt on my heart from the start that this was not something with longevity. We’ve exceeded the expiration date by quite a while, which is a testament to us both.

But I’ll keep punishing him because he isn’t what I want.

And I’ll feel confused whilst I don’t know what I want.

[brughtfuture]

At this point I’m preventing happiness for both of us

[brughtfuture]

I had ignored me time and time again. Made no effort with me. I don’t want her at my birthday. I don’t want to feel as uncomfortable as I feel now for a dinner just for the sake of it. Just to be the bigger person. I want to run away.

[brughtfuture]

The mental health really isn’t going too great currently hey. Not helped by my inability to have goals currently.

Feel like I can’t expect anything.

Feel like I’ve been told I’m not allowed to have wants or desires. Or that mine aren’t reasonable.