Like A Reclaimed Bad Part Of Town

We’re too young to be this old.

[brutalfulsmile]

Life yesterday that I wish were life today.

[brutalfulsmile]

I restarted trauma therapy today, and I decided it would be a good idea to take the afternoon after my appointment off, because historically, I am very drained and emotionally fragile afterwards. Today really isn’t any different, but at least this time I have zero work to do and a cup of grapefruit Del’s to comfort me.

[brutalfulsmile]

Ever forcibly encounter someone so utterly delusional that you have to actually stop and wonder if they truly buy into the preposterous nonsense they’re claiming?

[brutalfulsmile]

We were bringing in groceries, and I handed Rory the quarter melon piece and told her that she could carry ONLY that, but she had to walk in the door and say, “I carried a watermelon” as sheepishly as possible.

So anyway, now I’m wondering when would be an appropriate time for us to watch Dirty Dancing.

[brutalfulsmile]

Ran through every movie we have with our kid and the only thing we could agree on that sparked joy in her was…

The Zach Galifianakis Netflix program This is a Gardening Show.

[brutalfulsmile]

I got over my social battery BS and leaned in. I took Rory out, and we talked to Gwen for a bit between shopping. Rory feels happy and spoiled and spent a bunch of time talking to me about boys, and my wayward love regaled me with summer stories, trip plans, and mushy first love things.

It was a good night.

[brutalfulsmile]

Here is a random collection of thoughts:

I’m feeling very reclusive lately in real life, which means in Internet life I am writing a lot. Again. Finally.

One of my favorite human beings tried to call me on the phone yesterday, and I missed it… But to be honest I am not even sure I could’ve gotten through the call. I really would like to talk to her before she takes her big trip, and when we were texting on Tuesday it’s clear that she feels the same… But my social energy is so much lower than it’s ever been.

I have not been demeaned at my place of business in a very long time, and having that happen this week to myself and my team, from someone of high importance on a hierarchical scale, really has me spinning my wheels. It’s not as if I don’t regularly question my career… But having someone in charge who has no respect for anyone except himself is kind of a dealbreaker.

Yesterday was my father‘s birthday. I struggle with him in just about every way. We were actually getting along fairly well at dinner, until he started to make some comment about how people are so easily offended these days… And then we got into it. I had to walk away and change the subject in order for the night to end positively . It is so exhausting to be faced with parents who are emotionally immature and refuse to grow. He is perpetually stuck, frozen, and steadfastly refusing to face that reality. You would think that literally all of your children pulling away from you emotionally would be a red flag… But no. It must be all of us.

I’m finally trying to find a new therapist after being traumatized by the one I had a few years ago. Even the act of going through a potential list is stressing me. I found someone who on paper seemed good, but upon further research reminded me a lot of the woman who encouraged me to reach out to my abuser. It’s so hard to put your trust completely into a professional after being harmed by one.

I’ve been poking around Substack articles lately, and I am coming to the sad conclusion that platform is trying to be LinkedIn? Why on earth would we need another one of those websites? Is this really what it’s become?

I don’t know how to deal with an onslaught of negativity, especially in this landscape. We are all suffering, or struggling in some way… to only ever hear from the people I love when it’s time to spew the bad stuff … is starting to crush me.

Speaking of bad stuff, my sister‘s cat died. He was born in the same year as Brewski, and she got so much more time with him than we did with our boy. That fact alone makes it so very clear that there really is no amount of time that is enough when it comes to the animals we love. 19 years of Lenny, and still it’s as devastating as the mere 13 Brewski got.

I think I was just complaining about people only ever talking about the negative things in their lives, and here I am doing it. We are what we hate, I guess?

I need a vacation, or a trip full of levity…Maybe one day when my husband is not in school.

This is the driest commentary, if you’ve made it this far… Sorry about me. I am devoid of effort today. 

[brutalfulsmile]

Me: Tweens are defined as aged 9-12, so you’ll be a tween in a month!

Rory: What? Nooooo…

Me: It’s true.

Rory: *pulls up her legs and hugs them to her body while seated in her chair*

Rory: *starts rocking back and forth in the chair*

Rory: Nooooo, no, nope. I am not ready for this.

Rory: *starts goblin running in place, in her chair, while still hugging her legs to her body*

Me: Uhh…what…is…happening here…?

Rory: I’m running away from time!

Me: …How are you taking this worse than I am?

[wizardnaturalist]

a book should be $5 a little drink should be $2 and museum access should be free and all hours

[dogpuppy]

[brutalfulsmile]

I’m having one of those days wherein I have the strong urge to say all of the very mean inside thoughts out loud.

[meanbuddhist]

*turns my attention inwards* mmmmm. no *turns my attention back outwards* oh god

[brutalfulsmile]

Hi, hello there, hey hey hey…I need to take a quick second to brag about my child. She is the youngest in her third grade class, and she just tested at a 6th grade ELA level during her close-of-year diagnostic.

She had a ton of anxiety going in to today, because with her ADHD, she struggles with completing computerized tests on time. She’s the last one to finish, and there’s only a couple of days left to the school year.

I hope this proves to her that pace is not necessarily a commentary on skill.

I am so proud.

[littoboepeep]

six faceless pics tagged by @gullyrootoranamu 🫶🏻

tagging everyone! plz tag me so i can see yours!

[wanderingweatherwax]

Roses from our yard. Peaches thanks to the Peach Truck. Views from our walk yesterday at Blackstone River State Park.

Tagging @pelicanhypeman @heartonthefloor @2-4-6-k8 @brostateexam @brutalfulsmile @stilljewelzz

[brutalfulsmile]

Farmers market berries & cream / a night in south county / the flower hill with a lighthouse view / handstand perfecting / backyard garden / Jiji left behind

[brutalfulsmile]

When we sit on the couch after a long afternoon of playing in the pool together and she quietly takes my hand, I feel like I’m doing several somethings right. 🥹

[brutalfulsmile]

“Steph is on PTO, but I am adding her to this chat…”

No. Stop. Stop adding me. Let me have ONE day. My phone has gone off 20 times in four different chats since 8am and we are 16 minutes into the day. Are we serious?

[brutalfulsmile]

Today is my Friday. I don’t know how I forgot that? But it is, and I’m somehow not yet relieved, because I woke up feeling terrible, it’s dreary but hot as the depths of hell, I’m overwhelmed by the state of the house (because I wasn’t home last night to clean) and I’m not looking forward to a day in front of my computer, even if it’s at home.

I also slept remarkably well last night, but still feel like the walking dead. This phase of life is very much just me running myself ragged every week until I’m nothing more than a ghost of the woman that once was by Thursday.