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I think i just unlocked a new level of fluency on guitar tonight 🥲

I think lately ive been maybe realizing how i guess ive always thought of working in arts as a bit unattainable to me especially in the way that i want to especially in a world where more and more people are struggling, like thinking that at a certain point people stop spending on non essentials, when actually even as the world becomes less livable, ppl will continue to spend on art and music like ppl still wanna see shows and hang art on their walls and stuff like after all its what can kinda keep a shitty life worth living

Yay pretty and cool girl asked me to hang out before i did heehee

Maybe some day i will make a little recipe book of the sandwiches i make and eat every day

Actually i feel like i really want to be a touring musician at some point like roadtripping in my minivan across north america with my guitar playing little shows that sounds like a dream

I can play some girls are bigger than others up to speed 🥲

I think ive transitioned over from my 2 yr long shoegaze listening era to a grunge moment

Kinda wild how having ur head be in status quo world grants u the satus and external validation of being sane

Im having just 2 friends over tomorrow-my friends who are both reliably covid cautious and who i am actually close with(theres less overlap there in my circle than what i really wish) and we're gonna do a sleepover in the living room and watch movies(probably twilight) in our pajamas like a teen years style sleepover. Im like so excited, maybe we'll go on a sunset walk in these suburban trails like its highschool omg maybe we'll do some karaoke?? We're gonna eat snacks and have pumpkin pancakes for breakfast ahhhh

Everybody wants me rn for some reason

One of my old classmates who ive had conversations with over the years who im often in political agreement with who also still masks to the best of their ability(they're a professional classical vocalist) has also been flirty with me and told me i look hot, respectfully, and ive like allowed it and stuff and to be honest ive been a bit into it too. More recently they responded to one of my close friends hornyposts lol like fully saying they're pretty into me and i was like well maybe if we're ever in the same city we should go on a date, and then they said some really sweet things that made me feel seen and appreciated, they said they like how i see the world for what it is but i'm also an artistic musician and thats rare😳. And now i cant stop thinking about it and i feel really bummed that they're all the way on the east coast. And im like should i tell them that? Or just leave it be. They're also polyamorous and have a partner theyve lived with for a while and the one political issue they have a different stance on is having kids so its not like i'm like wanting this person to be anything like my primary partner or something but, im so interested to see how we click in person. I wouldnt mind potentially having a distant lover. Am i crazy cause i just looked up a flight to their city? Theres one in november for 200$ round trip.. is that crazy like would that be weird to bring up to them when we've just kinda been flirting mostly

Lately as i approach 30 im feeling the farther along in adulthood i get the more dissonance and clash i feel in value systems around me and where i ought to be in life vs what i actually want and think is right. I feel the dissonance as inward feelings of uncertainty of being adequate as a living human being. I feel like i am always having to remind myself of what i even want and reasoning out how that is ok. Expectations in relationships and marriage too, and possibly being treated as though i have less value for not having marriage in my near future. I noticed when my families friends were asking my sister all about her boyfriend, they also asked her what she does for fun in her spare time. They never asked me even what i do in my spare time even though single people have lives where they do things for fun too. I just noticed that and thought that was interesting. I also very much disagree with and resent the idea that people are supposed to live on their own in order to be considered valid respectable members of society. I dont agree with this individualism i dont see why living space in a spacious family house should go to waste for no real reason. Many cultures or at different periods of time it would be typical to live with parents until marrying someone or something. I don't see why there should be such a stigma in living with family but there is one. It doesnt even matter that I have done it before it seeps out in the way people talk to me. Its capitalist indvidualism. Its all a trap and i disagree with it. I still feel bad about it but don't think I should feel bad or failed for it. Capitalism is such a unfathomably fucked up evil that shouldnt exist. I hear about people my age or younger casually making more money than i can dream of. We might have even shared a similar space at some point but it feells like we dont live in the same world. My sister makes 4 times as much money as me apparently. More than my mom and just about as much as my dad, working some non profit hr job. What in the world? What does she even do with all that money. I wish she would just move back around home. I never get to see her because she seems trapped at her job with their little rules. And for what? At least i can take time off or leave my job whenever the fuck I want. Its just food. I don't know if i'll ever afford renting a living space in america again unless I'm really forced to. (Where will I find a pantry room for 370 ever again) I'm lucky that I don't have to do that right now. But how are people finding these jobs. Maybe some of these high paying jobs are doing legitimately important things for society. A lot of them sound like some BS or even are involved with shit i find unethical. I wish I could live comfortably with the stability of having my living space be mine. But that means i would need money and that means i need a high paying job. But the hours and energy put into a job is a large proportion of how you spend your life and I dont want any of that.

I've also not heard of a high paying job that isnt harmful in this system or some bullshit waste of lifes energy desk job, or at least mixed up and intertwined with something unethical. And maybe I just don't have many friends who make much more than poverty levels but really though Its all a trap! I don't want to feed a system that is killing the beings of this entire planet. Each of us working in it holds up and perpetuates the system whether we like it or not. The less I work for it the less I am personally contributing to the circulation of this evil. I really do want to remove myself from it as much as possible and boycott as a lifestyle practice. Its of course not enough but its certainly a push in the direction that can all add up. But it does make me feel bad when spending more time living in a way that puts my energy outside this system as much as possible, to still exist in a world with an opposing set of values which views the result of living like that as nothing other than failure on multiple fronts. I guess the answer is as always to stop caring what people think. Its so difficult though, even when you've reasoned through in a way you feel certain, when that opposing voice is so omnipresent relentless.

I believe in placing what energy i have away from and against the capitalist system of death

I want to be free as possible from having my real life interfered on and being tied down to some arbitrary requirements

I want to spend my lifes energy on music. Experiencing, studying, making, exploring, organically following what excites me

I want to have a stable home i can call mine

Me at noon today

Get out of bed [ ]

Eat breakfast [ ]

Go to pharmacy[ ]

Learn how to growl in order to sing zombie by the cranberries [✔️]

I watched dinner in america last night and i had a lot of feelings about it and idk where to put them

I somewhat recently met some ppl thru another friend where we kinda just decided ok we're friends now and we've been hanging out whenever they all come to town. They've kind of adopted me into their friend group. I think they're all great like its a lifestyle vibes energy level and even music taste match on top of them being covid cautious and its been so nice. Ones moving away sadly but they travel around enough where i think they'll visit. I could go visit them too

Also somewhat recently i met another more local group of ppl who are also covid cautious and mostly trans where we were trying to get some group hangs going and i liked them all as ppl but idk i think it wasnt a complete vibes match with like interests and music and also lifestyle like bedtimes and stuff. Like i couldnt quite just act how i would without thinking, and idk sibtly felt like i was holding back like holding in my dislike of music being played lol. After a while of not having ppl you can really relax around it starts to feel like its not really a thing thats out there. Its so nice when you do find that sort of thing

Ive had a personal record number of ppl expressing feelings/admitting a crush on me in the past several months but not a single feeling yet from my own cold heart. I wanna love again though. And these people are all great and cool

2.5 years later, ive officially got my ex's friends in the divorce

Even a couple ppl ive only met once dude

Its really just sad and pathetic. I dodged a bullet for sure

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