five times we almost got too close (and the one time we did)
1. it was fleeting glances and nervous shuffles. your eyes were blank, eerie even. you were cold– it was a summer day, and yet you were frozen where you stood, your stare icy. i knew better. i knew better than all of those that looked at you in fear. ‘the winter soldier’– of course you would be cold. you were an object of fear to them. they would not be caught in the snowstorm.
the cold can bring comfort too, don’t they know? doesn’t anyone? the way the snow covers a field can be so beautiful once it settles. even each snowflake that falls is a quiet, serene testament to the peace it can bring. that’s what i saw. i saw a winter that had just settled, waiting to thaw. yet you were afraid– you were afraid because you were feared. i was once like that. i remember fleeting glances and nervous shuffles. i remember being the monster they feared, who in turn saw scared rabbits ready to flee if i so much as opened my mouth wrong.
i almost patted you on the shoulder. almost. i suppose i was scared too. but i wasn’t scared the way everyone else was. i was afraid that if i touched now, i’d shatter you.
instead, i offered a a smile.
(i could see in those eyes that it was exactly what you needed.
but even that nearly broke you.)
2. we sat across the room from each other. there was nothing but silence between us– i think you preferred it that way. even with the midday sun shining through the window, you shivered, huddled in your jacket. grey eyes darted to and fro– you were the scared rabbit this time. every little movement could very well have been the wolf waiting to pounce. you were ready to flee at a moment’s notice.
each step was slow when i finally approached. your eyes settled on me, a stare so wide that it could have been a child’s. how long had it been since you had been treated like a person? how long had you been called a monster that you had become it? did you even know how to be a person anymore?
when i held out my hand, you flinched.
i nearly pulled away. but i knew that you needed this. i knew it better than you did, maybe. was it presumptuous of me to think that?
it must not have been, when you reached out to take my hand in return.
(you were warm. you were almost burning. you were alive.)
3. it was a fluke.Â
it was a fluke and a new it, but i still wanted it more than anything. i wanted to believe what i had here was true. i wanted it so much that it made the mission too easy. it isn’t too hard when there wasn’t a need to act out your feelings.
a thing we learn in our line of work is how to wear a mask. sometimes, however, we wear them so well that even we don’t know who we are. your masks are flawless, and you place them on so quickly that sometimes i actually believe they’re you.
you were a shy smile, a sheepish little ducking of your head as you pulled me close. i was a loving glance and gentle embrace, my arms around you. all eyes were on you. i wonder if you saw how i looked at you, as though you were my entire world? if you did, did you think i was wearing a mask too?
maybe i played my part too well. either that, or i never put on a mask.Â
4. Â the mask came off the moment you stepped into our room. winter had come without warning, a snowstorm blowing through and covering the flowers that had just begun to bloom. it was there in your eyes, stormy and unreadable. the mission was our first priority, and i had forgotten. or had i? maybe i had wanted to forget. and forget i did until i saw those unsettled greys.
the fake heartbreak was real.
you were all business. a mission was a mission, after all. we have to get our jobs done efficiently, and you were nothing if utterly efficient. as with everything else between us, i am nothing compared to you. all i could do was stand and watch you and your inhuman accuracy as you finished your work.
my fingers brushed yours when i reached towards the screen.
you flinched.
you weren’t mine. i knew that. i was foolish for ever thinking you could be. but for that small moment, i wanted to believe you really were.
5. it was drunken stupors and stupid decisions. but what else was new in my life?
that was an easy question to answer. what was new? you.
saturday nights are bruise covered, lip busted, yet never regretted. there’s a sickening warmth it brings, one that reminds me that i’m still alive. it reminds me that somehow, against all odds, whether i deserve to be or not, i’m still breathing, even when there are others that should be standing where i do. maybe if i break my skin enough, everything i’ve kept hidden inside will finally burst free. maybe my torn and tattered wings will finally be ripped off, and i’ll finally fall as i’m meant to. until then, i would settle for the burn of alcohol and sting of broken skin.
i lost myself then as i always do. i lost myself in the sweet embrace of inebriation, letting myself be taken where she chose to take me. she loosened my lips, steeled my nerves, promised me the pain that she told me i deserved.
is it bad that i can’t wait for saturdays?
it wasn’t a surprise when i got myself into another fight. raised voices and mindless insults, with nothing but the beer in my hand as my back-up. beads of sweat trickled down my face– i could practically feel the adrenaline that ran through the guy’s face. (i need better insults. whatever i said had him laughing. but still, he seemed angry enough to be ready to hit me.)
why would i flinch when i wanted this? why would i try and defend myself when this was what i deserved? his fingers flexed, and i stood there. i waited. i wanted. i lost myself in my own mind, to the swirling waves that swept me wherever they damn well pleased.
i lost myself, and yet you found me.
the clang of metal rang in my ears, and there you stood in front of me, a knight in shining armor. you came and brought the snowstorm with you, but for once i wasn’t caught in its ferocity. still i was lost in it, enamored in its dangerous wonders as you threw him back. when you turned to me, i saw the eye of the storm– a calm of sorts had settled over your face, and i could only watch and nod as you looked me over, hands everywhere, inspecting. (for the first time, i felt both your burning warmth and the chilling cool of metal fingers.)
the alcohol told me there was something in that gaze, but i couldn’t figure out just what.
i don’t even remember making it home. but when i woke up you were there, fingers in my hair and gaze still on me. you said nothing. i said nothing.
that moment lasts forever in my mind, a masterpiece in a snowglobe.
1. i know why icarus tried to fly. he sought what had been just outside his line of sight– oh it was always so close when he reached his hand out, and yet it had always been just too far. he sought the wildness of the endless sea, the unpredictable storms. he sought the warmth of the sun, the burning flares that brought life and yet could simultaneously end it.
and you, you my sun and storm.
icarus had been warned, as had i. (love is for children.)
all icarus needed to do was let himself soar without reservation. there was nothing to fear. he was warned not to fly too close to the sun, lest he let his wings melt and he fall.
me, however, oh how i wanted to fall into you.
i flew too close, and i let myself burn, feeling the fierce heat beneath my fingers. the waves pounded hard in your chest– a storm was brewing, i could see it in your eyes. you tried to hold it back, i know you did. you feared a tsunami coming to sweep me away from you, or that the storm would pound far too hard, and that i wouldn’t be able to handle it. but that was what i wanted more than anything.
you were warm. you’re always so warm. a cabin in the middle of the woods, the sanctuary in the snowstorm. had anyone ever bothered to search for it? has anyone else ever been offered the safety that you have to give? you have so much warmth to give– perhaps you knew that. you feared just how much warmth there was, you didn’t want to burn me.
it was as though you were afraid that if you touched now, you’d shatter me.
instead, you offered a smile.
(could you see in my eyes that that was exactly what i needed?)
ellievsbear
amandla
gamechangershow
stormborns
theartofmadeline
titsay
