The Perfect Murder; How to get over your ex. Officially.
Hello Buffet Friends,
*inhales deeply* Ahh, smell that fresh fall air. Smells like freshly cut grass, mums, pumpkin spice lattes and swamp ass (fall in Missouri is pretty much summer). Fall is the perfect season to get over an ex. With all of the comfort foods and warm bulky clothing, who needs a partner taking you to pound town? When you can take yourself to pound town with unlimited amounts of pound cake, or get slammed in bed with a Tim Tam slam. Orgasm giving foods aside, it’s time to get down to business boyles and guryles. What are you going to do to get over your ex? Cocoon and listen to Adele and Sam Smith? I did it for about two months, and it didn’t help one bit. I was even pulled over for erratic driving because I couldn’t see through my juicy tears. Let’s just say, the officer instantly regretted his decision once he saw my ugly crying mug. After listening to my 30 minute long tear and snot filled explanation for my horrible driving, he let me go. Most likely because he wanted out of the situation asap.
You’re probably wondering what got me from juicy tears to unapologetically taking myself to pound town… I mean getting over my ex, officially. It wasn’t easy that’s for sure, but I got through it. I don’t claim to be some kind of relationship scientist or whatever those are called, but here are three simple things that helped me get over my ex pretty quickly.
#1 Murder that bitch of an ex! No I didn’t kill my ex, though I did have a few dreams about stabbing him that were oddly erotic. By murdering your ex, I mean destroy all the evidence that connects you to that good looking, bubbled butted douchebag. It’s hard enough to get over someone, especially when you’re wearing the t-shirt they bought you and surrounded by a room full of memorabilia of special moment in your relationship. If you don’t want to destroy the evidence you can always just put it away in a box. However, I set fire mine… literally. I relapse too easily and the temptation of ugly crying with my bffs Ben & Jerry over my ex’s perfect penis is too great.
#2 Kill your old routine. Geez, 2/3 of my tips are murder themed. Check out this bitter melon turned buttermilk, am I right? Now that you are a sexy single you can do whatever you want! No checking in, no planning, no coordination just get up and do whatever the hell you want! TREAT! YO! SELF! Shopping (treat yo self), parks (treat yo self), day trips with friends (treat yo self)! My ex hated seafood and sausage. After we broke up, guess what I ate for the next week? You got that right! Tums... a week of sausage and fried fish is not good for the body.
#3. Talk about it, talk about it and talk about it! The best thing you can do after a break up is never shut up about it. Talk about it to your mom, dad, best friend, butcher, police officer, dog and stuffed animals! Just do it! Like going to the gym and enjoying a Wendy’s frosty right after, It will make you feel amazing! Talking helps get rid of the hurt, anger and disappointment that we all experience in these situations. You’ll also destroy that negative voice in your head (named Brenda), because if you’re not going to talk about your relationship Brenda sure as hell will. Shut that bitch Brenda up and talk until everyone is tired of listening, including yourself! If you get everything out of your system about your ex, relationship and break up, you’ll stop thinking about it. When you finally stop thinking about it, that means you are over it. Officially
So just to recap, kill your ex, hide the evidence and then tell everyone about it. Sounds like a good plan to me. Keep reading and eating until next time Buffet Friends! Byeeeeeeee!