today is a great day to write something long i guess, something that will then expand some people understanding of being true and where they has went blind to say that they're are but lying a crap out of the reality, not literally but yeah... they are doing it unconsciously
i am awake this morning by imagining that i am already 35 or somewhere around that age, where i has already married to a woman i love, where i could easily give her a morning hug when she is still dreaming in her bed suit, kisses her cheek good morning and warm her morning cold.
then i realised that i am also a dreamer myself now, i don't tend to be real and realistic of my present. i am majestically schizophrenic, i know.
there was this one fine day that i still could vividly remembered when i am all in love with this one lady in hippies, i don't know, i just think i love her that i felt so jealous looking at all the attention she has been drawing to all the other people around her but me, but for that particular moment…
i have to be real myself that she is not mine to be jealous with so why bother to keep digging the same unhealthy feeling deeper? so i spell this magic words to my heart and it's content
"everything is mine gonna be mine, if 'that' is mine, so it will turn to me, to my hands, my legs, my head, my body, my heart and my soul".
this is what i always whispered whenever i feel like wanting something…. every time i saw something good i will say it and if i really want it, i will say it twice! or more…. sometimes loud.
only after saying those magical spell of mine, i am relieved and walk away from wherever i was stuck in jealousy. i know i am thinking too much - for a guy… but blame me not, i am mentally ill. LOL
she is all flowering.... inside of me.
she is holding my hands and inside my head, taking my heart and hugging my soul that until quite sometimes i feel like i couldn't do anything but letting it be. i let she dance around like she is doing it all alright to conquer the stage, the stage that i has reserved for the special ones to dance. and it’s her… my spell went right i guess….
i let the feeling to sink but i am breathing fine...
i feel so good... how exactly i could explain my heart content if it is about my feelings towards something that i really do... love.
it shouldn't be explained at the first place, love is love, i think…
i am starting to feel i am taken by her scent....
i am no longer an ignorant agno-centrist… i am a lover.
i started to care about her more than she would ever know... and realised.
but every time i go deeper in caring her more, she tend to buffer me more, she pushed me back by changing me.... into her ideal ‘boify’… yes… without even her realising it…
i has always hated people to change me. i despises people who think of doing it but in her case.... i don't hate her, i am in a deep dilemma... i feel like ignoring my real self for a love sacrifice.... if she is the one who could gives me all the future that i has always seen in my visions, should i fake all my real so she would be glam happy….
and later.... what am i to myself?
i am a man who cries inside, there's this personality inside of my body that started to rebel. he wants to hate everything, he started to torment my primary personality for that i am trying hard to conserve the peace of love that i am currently having right now... i am in pain..... for trying to be unreal.
“i pity u my friend... you are in your own body but not self.” -another self in teasing sentiment
“i have to be ideal, world is demanding and who am i to stand against them?” -another self trying to keep the straight face.
now i have to detached myself from a few things or people that i found important in my life, that i live to cheer with their companion- no more after this fucking day i guess.
some people are so ignorant they only want to know what they wanna know,
they are expecting but saying they're not.
they're demanding high but saying they're not.
they would rather be greed & selfish but saying they're not.
they would rather listen but they don't,
they would rather be close but they're not entering the door.....
they're just ‘there’ to fulfil their greed...
and i am about to get ready to indulge myself in such 'reality'.
in my whole life, i am in ‘love’ too little to know that i am ignorant ass, but i am well acknowledge myself as a selfless guy that gonna do some moron-ous just to love the one that i has already locked inside my heart. but in that particular sometimes. people started demanding me to be something more and more ideal to their needs and satisfactions....
and for that quite sometimes…. i keep changing and changing.... i keep ignoring my fair and pure consciousness until there is one time that i am lost... in the body that i walk and talk. i am no more me... i am a guy who is no longer original.
because why? people love that unoriginality.
i wish… that she will accept my irregularities in my surfaces…
there’s so much more to learn about both of us, i wonder if she could accept the demon inside of me that i has been keeping from playing outside that she might one day accidentally seeing it.
i wish she is the woman that i has been seeing in my visions….
i wish she will embraced my blemishes as a human’s variety
how could i live without her nowadays?
how could i live to know that my other persona hated her for pushing me back when i has fallen in love with her so deep i don't really care about whatever people were saying about us but her.
how could i live to know that i am walking the leg of someone that living wildly unnatural.
"everything is mine gonna be mine, if 'that' is mine, so it will turn to me, to my hands, my legs, my head, my body, my heart and my soul".
a note from a guy that deeply in love.
mirror - justin timberlake.
stormborns
theartofmadeline
prguitarman
gamechangershow
turnnoffyourmind
kianamaiart
amandla
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