Taming the Bull

[bulltamer]

I practice MINDFULNESS. will u follow me?

OK. I followed you as middle pane

[bulltamer]

You don’t have to let go of anything. You have to realize that everything has let go of you. You are not attached to anything in reality. Everything will die and change regardless of your love and attachment.

Lazy Yogi

[bulltamer]

Spinning into infinity

Lost control

External forces not forces at all

Ripples extending outward

Coloring the surface of the pond

It is all water

Even the ripple is part of the surface

The deep calm beneath

Drops losing individuality in a whole

Show me a drop of water in a lake

It is there, but it isn't

Words pointing in endless directions

Around and through my being

There is nothing

A wave through nothing

An existence shattered

And reformed

Identify lost 

And found

And then thrown away

Why won't it go away

What am I clinging to?

I renounce a thousand worlds

This one holds nothing

And everything

My head throbs

As much as it is my head

Can consciousness leap from one plane to another

And remain intact?

Can the journey be experienced?

Or do we simply wake up in a new life

With the expectations of the old one?

How do I let go, realize the change, and move on?

Liberation

Compassion

Words have no meaning

This post means nothing

Move on

Let it go

Whatever I am thinking, it is gone

My current thoughts are your vision into my past

What is it like to ride in a time machine?

[bulltamer]

not as generous as I could be

regret for lack of charity

awareness to the moment

closing the gap

patterns repeat

release regret

release worry

release anxiety

whatever I want to do

I will do it

To know the resulting fractal

You just need to know the algorithm

And the number of iterations

How many iterations does it take

To animate the fractal?

[themiddlepane]

http://wp.me/s2LZeg-1349

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[themiddlepane]

A Cup of Tea

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!"

"Like this cup," Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?"

[bulltamer]

Sometimes when I will have a memory of an event, a similar event will happen later in the day.  I keep realizing it after the fact, but I am starting to see a pattern. I would like to be able to line up that awareness with the current moment.

[bulltamer]

Observe the state of your mind from one moment to the next

It is all there

You just have to remember it

You have been here before

[bulltamer]

I cannot accept the malaise of this life, but I seem trapped by it.  I want to overcome it, but here I am doing something other than what I should be doing.  I know I am better.  I just cannot seem to break this cycle.  Why is this one so tough?  I think that it has been around for longer than I realize.  I think that I have been a party to it for pretty much my whole life.  Doing just what I needed to do to get by.  

Luckily, things have come easy for me.  I had good parents and was given a good childhood.  I got mostly A's in elementary and only a few lower letters in high school.  I took advanced classes and was at the top, despite my not really needing to study.  Math came naturally to me and computers followed.  I never had to give much effort.  

College was not as stellar.  The coasting that I did in high school did not last through to college.  Oh, I still did not study much, but it caught up with me.  I got my first D in geography.  I still did OK in math and computer classes, but the work got harder, and I went from A's being the best to a B average.  It was a solid B average, but still a B average.  Not at all what I was used to, but I did not really do anything to improve it.  Instead I drank, smoked pot, and took a lot of naps.

Next came work and I fell into a good job.  Pay was good and the work came easy.  I never felt like I was doing what I wanted to do, but they kept giving me raises and telling me how good a job that I was doing.  This continues for a few years.

Finally, our company is sold and eventually weeded out.  I still remain.  Still not feeling like I am doing what I want to be doing, but now I am faced with learning new skills.  I can still learn.  I can still take on new challenges, but now with being married and having two kids, I just don't feel like working.  I just don't feel like pushing.  And maybe I never did.  Maybe I never pushed for anything ever in my life.  

I can't believe that though.  I am here.  I exist.  I am not defeated.  I am not on the streets.  It all cannot have come with just me coasting.  I had to have fought along the way for somethings.  But I cannot put my finger on any of those times where I really stood up and said that this is what I want and I am willing to go down fighting for it.  

There are things things that I have made an effort for.  I didn't give up in school.  I married a wonderful woman and I have two amazing kids.  This isn't a result of a life on auto-pilot.  But still there is the feeling that I have not yelled to the top of my lungs that I am here.  If you want to be heard, then you have to speak up.

Maybe this is my time.  Maybe this is the time that I fight for something, even though I don't know what it is I am fighting for.  Maybe I am just fighting for awareness.  For enlightenment.  For freedom from my self.  And to get that freedom I have to leave this situation, change it, or accept it.  I am ready for change.  

I am ready for the light to blind me.  I am ready for the darkness to engulf me.  I am ready to surrender.

[bulltamer]

I don't have to remember what happens after I die.  

That is the feeling that I am trying to carry with me.  

I can die and be reborn every moment.

I can let my self die and I can be carried on to the next moment.

The awakening is to the knowledge that this is the life.  

This is the life that leads everyone to enlightenment.  

Everyone is already in a state of enlightenment.

Who am I to judge that they are not aware of it.

[bulltamer]

Stop telling your self how to feel.  

It knows how to feel.  

Look at your breath.  

You forgot about it didn't you?  

You don't have to tell your self how to breathe.  

Why tell it how to feel?

[bulltamer]

Death of Ego

I realized tonight that 10 years ago I almost had an experience like Tolle's.  

First a little background...

Growing up I had had lucid dreams and semi-lucid ones at the end where I feel myself pulling through layers to return from the dream world to the waking world.  I have also been heavily interested in religion and in particular Revelations and what happens after we die.  At that time I had purchased "Wherever you go, there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn, and I was familiar with meditation and the lying down meditation in particular since that is the easiest for a beginner.

... So I was lying on my couch not really sleeping, but drifting some.  I felt a roller coaster rush and I was being pulled through a tunnel.  Those that have drunk before know how the darkness spinning can feel if you have had quite a few.  I was not drunk at the time, but it had a similar feel to that.  However, instead of darkness there were colors.  

Quite honestly it scared me.  It felt like death, and I was not ready to die.  I was not ready for the experience that Tolle was able to accept.  I didn't understand what was dying.  

I do now.  I recognize that as the ego.  And in some ways I kick myself for not recognizing it then.  For not being able to accept it, but if it wasn't for that experience and all those in between and before, I would not be writing this now.  I needed to swim in the sea of ego and ride the waves.  

I am ready to swim to shore.

[bulltamer]

Bells

The sound of bells filled my ears as if signifying that I had reached something.  When I have heard this before, it is usually preceded by a specific thought.  I could not link this to a specific thought, the only thing that I can attribute it to is feeling.  The sound was beautiful and it echoed in both of my ears filling my world.  When I grasped for it and tried to find its source, it disappeared.  Next time I hope to reside with it longer.  I hope to ride my feeling instead of thought.

[bulltamer]

If you are manifesting other people then you have to show them the respect that they deserve.  You have to love them.

[bulltamer]

At some point you stop trying to find the enlightenment in yourself and you start to realize it in other people.

[samsaranmusing-deactivated20140]

I love rivers, lakes and streams.  Yet I live in a desert. At least I have the sea.

[bulltamer]

Let them be themselves.  You have to let them be themselves.  All you can do is love them and let them be.