— warnings/tags: idol!jk, college student!oc, mild angst, best friends jk and oc, as usual jk doesnt think through his decisions to do things, oc is in HEAVY denial, probably inaccurate talk about how music shows work (its just a small part though), mentions of sasaeng fans behavior.
— summary: when jeongguk's newest vlog sparks a dating speculation between him and you, he thinks he's gotten too close and might risk exposing his feelings to you. one rash decision later, jeongguk loses his grip as he realizes that he will never be close enough to you.
— author's note: hello... after a year i'm here again, just in time for jeongguk's 28th birthday :] i know this is so late and i keep doing this but i hope you can still enjoy! also i just used the general idea of closer's lyrics.. i hope it does show, though.. alright i'll shut up now
a continuation of opposite of sun, light of the morning and if it's a dream (i'll come around). please read them in that order before reading this!
masterlist
As an artist, Jeongguk takes great care of his craft.
He’s always been involved in every process of creating his music, from writing his own melodies and lyrics, to actually producing a whole song on his own. In the past few years, his involvement has expanded to stage performances and jacket shoots for his albums. He’d think of a concept and discuss it with the company, then together they would decide what would go best with the feeling they’re going for a particular album. Sometimes he’d feel he’s working double jobs, being both the person in the scene and behind, but the results of his hard work is so worth it that he can’t wait to do it again for the next album.
However, there’s one aspect of his life as a singer that he lets his team handle however they see fit: the behind the scene vlogs of everything he does in the spotlight.
At the beginning of his career, the company would have mini meetings with him to review the finished vlogs together, being very careful of the image they represent him by in the vlogs. Very rarely did it go back to the editing team for a snip of the clip, so eventually, Jeongguk just put a stop to the review. He’s the same person on stage and off stage anyway, so there was really nothing to worry about regarding his image.
Although, now, well established into his career, when Jeongguk does questionable things and the editing team just decides to keep the clips in the vlogs, he might need to go back worrying about the image they’re portraying of him in the media.
(He needs to worry, because often, they are too honest.)
It’s been a few weeks since he’s gone back from the US, now doing promotion rounds in his homeland, South Korea. For music show recordings in Korea, Jeongguk has to get up at the ass crack of dawn to get everything done—hair and make up, rehearsals, and then the actual recording. He’d be exhausted, but his fans have to be on standby even earlier than he does, so he can only imagine how tired they feel. All just to get a glimpse of him performing on stage.
But that’s what you do for someone you love, isn’t it? Stay awake late to do two-hour karaoke sessions on lives and be on standby in the freezing early morning air with lightsticks in hand. Jeongguk’s relationship with his fans is reciprocal, and he couldn’t be more grateful for it.
There’s another thing you do with someone you love—you tease them.
“Jeongguk, your TSX stage was so cool!” someone from the audience shouts.
“Was it? Did you enjoy it?” Jeongguk speaks into his mic, a happy glint in his eyes as he sweeps the full audience seats with his stare.
A loud cheer of YES!!! erupts from the audience.
“Oh, that’s a relief,” Jeongguk exhales into the mic. “I was really nervous, but your cheers gave me energy. Thank you.”
“Vlog too! We enjoyed the vlog too!”
“Huh?” Jeongguk’s eyes become even rounder as he tries to lock eyes with one fan in order to understand what they’re saying better. He even takes out both of his in-ear monitors so he can hear better as well. “Log? Blog?”
“Vlog!! US Vlog!! At the cafe!!”
“Ah!” Jeongguk’s expression morphs into one of realization, “Vlog! US vlog, after the performance?”
Another chorus of yes! sounds from his fans.
“Who’s the girl that was with you?”
For a second, Jeongguk hesitates. After all, the first time he accidentally blurted about your existence resulted in less than favorable repercussions for him. He even came up with the nickname just to protect you from anything bad that could possibly happen to you after the incident. Also, it would be a wise choice to separate his public and personal life, right?
Still, Jeongguk is anything but dishonest, so he says the words into his mic like it wouldn’t cause him trouble in the near future: “She’s my best friend.”
The soft smile on his face with which he uttered the words has his fans cooing, some even screaming in teasing. “Are you both together yet?” one of them shouts, making the whole studio go quiet until Jeongguk can hear one of the PD-nim of the music show cough faintly somewhere in the background.
Years of being an entertainer has taught Jeongguk that he shouldn’t answer this question, even with an obvious joke. Not even a twitch of his face muscle. Nothing would be safe from being turned into a provocative headline written by a journalist desperate for clicks. No matter how good the PR and legal teams in his company are, the moment those headlines are live, the damage would’ve been done.
Thankfully, Jeongguk’s manager is also aware of this fact, because the second the time stretches longer than deemed normal to answer a question, break time is declared over and Jeongguk is urged off the stage for some touch up on his makeup.
“You should be careful of what you say in public, Jeongguk-ah,” Namjoon chastises him the moment they’re back in the dressing room. “You know the media is ruthless when it comes to these things.”
“I didn’t say anything!” Jeongguk defends, a hint of a chuckle on his face. “Bun’s my best friend, isn’t she? Is that something I should not say publicly?”
“Not when this is the environment of your reality,” Namjoon sighs. “Sorry Kiddo, I personally don’t have a problem with it, but you and I both know—”
“I know, hyung.” Jeongguk glances at his manager through the mirror, the makeup puff on his cheek preventing him from turning his head completely. “Thanks for looking out for me. I promise I’ll be more careful next time.”
Namjoon throws him a small reassuring smile before going back to his phone, probably informing the PR team about Jeongguk’s shenanigans today and to watch out for weird headlines from the media. The mood in the dressing room turns a bit somber after their interaction, weighing heavy on Jeongguk’s heart so he tries to lift the spirits up.
“So, anyone wants to tell me what the editing team put in the vlog that my fans noticed my best friend so much from the video?”
Jeongguk gets his answer hours later, after the music show recording is over, after he said his goodbyes and thank you's to his fans, after he got back to the company to continue with his schedule for the day. There, displayed in 4K on his gigantic monitor in his personal studio, is twenty-something minutes of his adventure in New York with you, with the least amount of editing Jeongguk has ever seen on his vlog. It’s like the editor watched the full recording in one sitting and went yep, let’s just put captions on that and call it a day.
The more Jeongguk watches, the more he understands why his fans noticed you so much from his vlog. From the moment he walked around aimlessly in New York streets until he sat down in the dessert cafe with your brick ass laptop in his hand, you were always there. Your voice in the background when you were holding the camera. Your hand in frame when you shoved Jeongguk because he teased you. Your faded black cap sitting on the table in the dessert cafe when you took it off. (Bonus: your hands typing maniacally on your laptop to finish your midterm in time.)
But there’s one specific scene that makes Jeongguk feel like the editor is out to get him: the one when he fed you a huge piece of pastry with heaps of cream on it which got stuck on your lip and he used his thumb to wipe it off. And then sucked said thumb into his mouth like it was second nature to do so. Jeongguk didn’t think this scene would’ve made the cut into the actual vlog published on his official channel, but eh, it’s probably his fault for giving free creative reign to his video editing team when it comes to his vlogs.
Now watching from an outsider perspective, Jeongguk just realizes that this scene is a window to his true feelings about you, clear as day through his big bambi eyes. It really doesn’t help his case that the editor did not cut the scene after the whole cream fiasco either, when he was teasing to turn off the camera just to wipe cream off your lips again. Jeongguk wants to scream into a void, yet all he can do is sigh and slump back into his chair.
The vlog ends with him waving to the camera when you had finished your midterm paper and had submitted it to your professor and he had deemed the New York adventure done for the day. He was right to end the vlog there, as any documentation of your activities after that would be too domestic and personal to be shared with the world. (You and him went back to his hotel room, where the both of you ended up slumped on his bed in a sweets-induced coma. “I’m never eating pastry ever again,” you’d said, just to gobble down a croissant when Jeongguk ordered some from room service in random late-night hunger.)
Jeongguk’s finger hovers over his mouse, the cursor on the monitor hovering over the comment section button. He doesn’t usually check the comment section of his vlogs, preferring to go straight to Twitter to see the unhinged genuine reactions his fans might have on the new video. This time, though, something in his mind tells him to go easy, go through the typical “We love you Jeongguk♥️” comments before diving head-first into an analysis thread about who you are and what your relationship with him is.
Jeongguk is so cute
He’s so playful with the camera noona today lol
Reply: I think it’s not his staff, he mentioned his friend or something
I know this cafe! Their fruit pastries are the best
Jeongguk ordering the entire cafe for her uhhuh we love to see it
The way they bicker like a couple is so funny
Reply: Are they not a couple?
OP: No, they’re not
Everyone talking about the bickering but I just want to point out they did tug of war with her laptop. And the editor thinks this scene is necessary to be put into Jeongguk’s vlog. I’m rolling on the floor
Jeongguk snorts. The laptop tug-of-war scene is admittedly a breath of fresh air in the vlog, because it’s the only time he doesn’t have heart eyes while looking at you behind the camera. The glint in his eyes are purely out of joy and playfulness, trying to wrestle the heavy device out of your hold while simultaneously trying not to laugh because of how ridiculous the whole situation is. It feels like a normal interaction between a guy and his best friend instead of a guy and his best friend whom he’s in love with.
He continues scrolling through the comments, skimming over similar ones and chuckling at a few funny ones, but one particular comment makes his heart skip a beat.
Came to watch the whole video because the cream-wiping clip keeps appearing on my timeline. Jeongguk fans, is this his girlfriend? He looks at her like she hangs the stars in the sky. I’m not in the fandom, that’s why I’m asking.
Reply: She’s his best friend, he said so in the music show recording this morning
OP: Ah, well, it looks like he might be in love with his best friend, then
Reply: Half of the fandom thinks so too actually hahaha
What the fuck. Is he that obvious?
A simple Twitter search later tells him that yes, he is that obvious and more. If the comment section on YouTube only scratches the surface, his Twitter timeline is a whole different story. He’s scrolled past at least five tweets that say with confidence that you and him are dating secretly and this video is a soft-launch of your relationship. Another tweet agrees, saying that there is no way you guys are just friends after everything you’ve done in the vlog (they tweet like he kissed you in the vlog—though Jeongguk is not entirely opposed to the idea.)
At one point, Jeongguk’s fingers stop scrolling when he stumbles upon one tweet that the commenter on YouTube might have meant: a slowed-down video of the cream-wiping incident, with his entirely-too-innocent face zoomed in at the end. The video loops over and over again on his computer screen, reminding him that this moment is forever engraved on the internet with no chance of ever erasing it no matter how much Jeongguk wants to.
Against his better judgement, Jeongguk clicks on the tweet to see the replies on it.
The first reply directly under the video says something that paints a bitter smile on Jeongguk’s lips: “bet he wouldve kissed her right there had she not stopped him” — because if he didn’t care about where you were, didn’t care about his status as a famous singer, didn’t think about the repercussions of his actions, he would have. Or maybe not, because his lack of courage keeps stopping him from doing anything that has to do with revealing his feelings for you.
Diving deep into the replies under the kissing tweet drowns Jeongguk in a pool of self-pity, lamenting over the fact that even his fans are this confident about his love life and how they cannot be further from the truth. He’s so deep in the pool of darkness that he fails to see how this whole situation involved another person besides him: you.
The reminder comes in the form of a tweet—a thread, actually. About the first moment Jeongguk accidentally let it slip that he had a girl best friend in one of his livestreams, up to the most recent mention of said best friend in the music show recording this morning. The account even included the three-month period when he did not do any livestreams and speculated that it was his own decision because he wanted to drive away the media attention from his private life. But what struck him the most isn’t that—it’s when somewhere in the thread, the account mentioned his nickname for you. The nickname that’s not supposed to be known to the public, yet it is out there, on an anonymous account’s thread, garnering hundreds of likes as the minutes go by.
It doesn’t matter that the thread-poster used the word ‘apparently’ and ‘unconfirmed’ — all Jeongguk feels is panic as he frantically tries to read the whole thread, checking to see if this thread contains anymore information about you that shouldn’t even be here to begin with. Because if they could find out the private nickname, who’s to say they couldn’t find your real name, or worse, where you study, where you work, and where you live?
After confirming that the thread doesn’t contain anymore such things, Jeongguk reaches for his phone to send you a text. Well—more than one, actually, each one increasing in urgency than the last. When your only response is radio silence, he decides to call you—but even that goes straight to voicemail.
Jeongguk’s mind flashes to a few weeks ago when he was in New York and you did the exact same thing—’ghosted’ him, he’d said—but that was because you had a midterm to do and was flying across the world to get to where he was. Now, your midterms are over (you told him so a few days after you both landed back in Seoul from New York) and it’s not like you know anyone overseas that you had to visit urgently to warrant this kind of silence.
…or maybe you’re at work! Yeah, that must be where you are, considering it’s still—no… you couldn’t be, Jeongguk belatedly realizes. The bakery you work at closes at 9PM, and the clock on his computer screen glares a large 09:54PM, as if mocking him. Apparently his spiraling over the vlog, the comments, and the thread made by his fans took too much time than he thought, hours of his free time spent on the internet instead of on a new song Jeongguk should be working on like he told Namjoon he would when the music show recording ended.
Jeongguk pulls up the agenda Namjoon sent him this morning. There, in orange highlight, says MUSIC CORE RECORDING — 5AM. It’s literally seven hours away. He should be awake at least one hour prior, so that gives him six hours of sleep if he actually goes to bed now. Six hours is enough. It’s plenty, for an idol like him.
Six hours. Jeongguk has six hours.
In the creating music aspect of his career, Jeongguk has always had a say in everything he does. Which song goes into which album. Which song to be promoted as a single. Which demo suits his breathy voice more and which demo needs his powerful chest voice more. Even down to the addition of adlibs, Jeongguk’s opinion has always mattered, even if it’s not the final decision.
However, when it comes to anything else but creating music, Namjoon (or anyone else on his team) has never consulted him for advice because, and Jeongguk quotes: “No offense, Jeongguk, but your personal decison-making skills is shit.” which, wow, Jeongguk takes full offense, but he supposes the older man isn’t entirely wrong when he said that.
With six hours on the clock, instead of going home to sleep and sweep his worries aside until he can revisit them later after his work obligations are completed, he stands in front of your apartment door, proving Namjoon’s words just right.
Jeongguk’s decision-making skills are questionable at best, because he does things before he thinks them through. Blurt out an offer to you to go to New York. Take you strolling around New York instead of the camera noona like he was supposed to. Wipe pastry cream off your lips then lick it off his thumb. Go to your apartment an hour before midnight to ask if your silence has anything to do with the comments on the New York vlog.
Suddenly, the weight of the situation dawns on him. What is he doing? This is not 2012 anymore, when he was still a trainee and used to sneak into your home whenever he got tired of repeating the same songs and choreography prior to his debut. He’s not 15 anymore, with ddeokbokki and kimbab still warm in his hold, knocking on your door with a grin on his face, guilty of the roundness of your cheeks in the morning caused by the midnight snack.
It’s 2023, he’s 26, and he only has the weight of the world in his hold to share with you.
Still, true to his act-then-think nature, Jeongguk raises his hand to press the doorbell to your apartment. He could’ve just let himself in, your door passcode buried somewhere in his notes app, but with nothing but burden in his hands, he thinks bursting through your door unceremoniously would feel like breaching into your home.
When the door opens, your confused face is the first thing he sees. “Jeongguk?” you say, so much question in your tone. “What are you doing here?”
”Uh,” Jeongguk supplies dumbly. He clears his throat, tries to hold eye contact with you, but his nervousness betrays him. “Can I come in?”
Despite the confusion still plastered all over your face, you open the door wider to let him slip inside. No words are exchanged as Jeongguk shucks his shoes and coat off, placing them in their proper places before following you deeper into the apartment. His steps halt in the middle of your living space, standing in a place he’s surely been in in the past, yet it all feels so foreign.
Your bed is on a different position than the last time he was here, and your desk is on the far end of the room instead of being close to the front door. There are more cardboard boxes stacked at the foot of your bed than he remembers, more polaroid photos stuck on the cork board above your desk, more scribbles on the desk calendar that sits next to your opened laptop. The shelf next to your desk now houses a line of all his albums, each one signed with a short message personalized just for you. When he was last here, there were only three mini albums lined up on this very shelf.
Next to the albums, sits something that has always been there ever since Jeongguk could remember, unchanging amongst all the changes your apartment went through: his first music show win trophy, earned after two long years of his debut. After doing its rounds in the company, photographed by almost all of his staff to be posted on the internet, and shown off to his parents via a teary video call, the trophy was entrusted into your care, as a symbol of Jeongguk’s appreciation for your support ever since he was still training to be an idol.
Despite being coated in a thin layer of dust, the small trophy being placed in the same position since its move to your apartment blooms something warm in Jeongguk’s chest. The warmth nearly reaches his cheeks had you not called him back to present time, pulling his soul away from his 17-year-old self and back into his 26-year-old body standing awkwardly in the middle of your apartment.
”Care to explain why you’re here in the middle of the night, in the middle of the week?” you inquire after making sure that Jeongguk’s head is here instead of floating around in the clouds. “Also, please sit down, you look like the delivery guy waiting for tips if you keep hovering over the door like that.”
Jeongguk snickers, your description strangely apt for his posture even though he’d never waited for tips when he worked as a delivery guy for a short time before his debut (he was too scared of even expecting it—and back then, people were actually immune to his big bambi eyes, unlike now.)
”You didn’t reply to my texts, and my call went straight to voicemail,” Jeongguk supplies for your question, slowly sitting down on your bed, behind your figure on your desk chair. “Got me worried.”
”Oh,” you quip, hand reaching for your phone and looking at it like it’s a foreign object you’ve just discovered. “Sorry, had it on DND since my shift, and I had a presentation due tomorrow for a class, so…” you trail off, shrugging. “Plus the group chat is being so loud today, it’s kinda annoying.”
”You didn’t whitelist my number from your DND?” Jeongguk tries hard not to pout, he really does.
”Did you call twice?” You point your phone at him like a weapon, the beginning of a smirk blooming on the corner of your lips. “If you did, the second call would’ve gone through.”
When he speaks, it’s clear that his words are formed around the pout of his lips. “Come on … I was too worried.”
You shake your head, finally turning your body fully towards him, abandoning the blinking cursor on your Google Slides. The arms you cross in front of your chest don’t look the least bit intimidating because they’re covered in the softest sweater paws Jeongguk has ever seen on you—which, upon closer look, might be because you’re wearing his hoodie, an old one he accidentally left here but never got back to reclaim. It’s okay, it looks good on you. Makes you look like you’re his.
”Jeongguk, I’ve known you forever. You don’t come barging into my apartment when you’re just worried. Just tell me what happened,” you sigh. “Did you miss a step in the choreography today? Missed a note? Accidentally yelled at a staff member? Messed up on live?—wait, you didn’t go live today—Started a rumor that gave Namjoon a headache?”
At the last sentence, Jeongguk physically recoils. All the comments and tweets in response to the New York vlog floats in his mind like a broken highlight reel of all the mistakes he’s made in his life.
There’s something that flashes in your eyes that Jeongguk can’t decipher, but it’s gone before he gets the chance to really mull over it. Then your gaze towards him turns softer, reminiscent of the best friend who would comfort him whenever he came bearing worries over the missed step in the choreography and how Jeongguk was afraid of disappointing the people who had believed in him. It completely shatters the ready-to-launch defense on the tip of his tongue, prepared for your sharp and jabbing words instead of your calm and soothing ones.
“Did you accidentally post the same series of emojis again with some female idol from another company?” you chuckle, a hint of disbelief in your tone. “You know, I never get why they make such a big deal out of dating in the entertainment industry. You’re still gonna make music and it’s not like it’s gonna suck once you start dating. Unless your girlfriend is a walking red flag…” Scratching your cheek, your gaze trails off somewhere else, unaware of the internal debate Jeongguk is having with himself.
The reminder of the emoji thing makes him huff out a breath in a humorless chuckle. All he did was post a few pictures on Instagram with a series of emojis and the next thing he knew Namjoon was blowing up his phone asking him if he was dating someone. A thousand denials and a few frantic phone calls to the idol’s agency later, the rumor was successfully kept from being spread and the media quickly turned to prey on some other poor soul.
Jeongguk was lucky then. He’s not sure this time will be the same.
“Have you watched the New York vlog?” he asks at last, prompting your eyes to jump back onto him from staring at the far end of your apartment. The questioning hum you respond him with clearly says you didn’t hear what he said.
“The vlog, in New York. Have you watched it?”
“Oh, New York,” you parrot, seemingly still trying to figure out why this vlog is significant in any way. Then, “ooh, is it the one when I visited you? After the TSX stage?”
Jeongguk nods, toying with his lip piercing while debating whether to just tell you the contents of the vlog and the potential dating rumor it would spark or let you watch the whole thing and decide on your own.
Apparently his brain can’t decide fast enough to catch up with your fingers, which are already typing his official channel name onto the YouTube search bar. “I’ve been slammed with work and classes these days, so I didn’t even know it was out,” you mumble, clicking on the New York vlog that’s still listed at the top of his channel video uploads.
As the video loads, Jeongguk’s mind goes back in time again. Is this how you felt back then, whenever he was too busy with practice that he missed almost all of your achievements at school? Not exactly disappointed, because he knows you both have lives to live outside of each other, but there’s a gnawing feeling in his heart that’s too heavy to think about. You demanded nothing from him all those years ago. The least he can do is give you the same courtesy.
“Huh, did I not hold the camera high enough or am I just short?” you chuckle when the vlog plays, showing his grinning face with the New York streets as the background. Now Jeongguk gets to relive the feelings he felt while watching the vlog, except this time, with stray commentaries from you.
“Wonder why the editor kept the clip where you’re talking to me.”
“Ouu, this shot, bet your fans make gifs of this in different filters and stickers.”
“This laptop fight…heh.”
“Oh I remember the cafe staff was your fan, right?”
“Did you really have to order the entire menu, Jeongguk?”
Jeongguk supplied a chuckle here and there, just to tell you he’s listening, but all the while he was holding his breath while waiting for that part to come on and see your reaction. True to his prediction, all your comments ceased the moment the Jeongguk in the video started feeding video-you desserts from the array of them on the table. Jeongguk feels his pulse spiking seconds leading to the part, sneaking a glance at your face to see your expression. All he can see is your side profile, though, which tells nothing, so he inches his body forward, forward, forward, until he’s able to make out the lines of your lips, but—
THUD.
He face-plants into the floor of your apartment.
You jump in your seat, frozen in place for a few seconds as you’re seemingly processing the fact that your best friend is now lying on the floor, holding his nose while groaning.
“Are you okay?” you finally say, getting down from your desk chair to crouch beside Jeongguk. examining his body with a laugh halfway out your lips. “What are you doing on the floor?”
“Shut up,” Jeongguk hisses. It’s enough to have his nose—potentially—bruised, he doesn’t need his ego to follow suit. Shit, he has that music show recording tomorrow … Namjoon’s gonna have a field day watching the makeup team scold him while trying to cover up the bruise.
Although, now, he has more pressing issues to worry about. How does he explain to you why he fell on the floor without exactly telling you why he fell on the floor? “Haha yeah that cream-wiping clip from the vlog might have started a dating rumor and I just want to see your reaction to the clip”?? No??
“Will you stop being a baby and get up?” You swat at his arm with a chuckle tumbling out your lips, then carefully try to peel his fingers away from his face. The gentle way your fingers are grasping his is actually giving Jeongguk a whiplash, has him fighting off the urge to twist his wrist around and have his fingers grasping yours instead.
“Not a baby,” he grumbles, his eyes still closed, “just trying to estimate how upset the makeup team will be tomorrow when I show up with a bruised nose to the music show taping.” Huh, better than telling you how bad I wanna hold your hand, Jeongguk huffs in his head. He finally opens his eyes and extends his arms to you. “Okay, now help me up.”
“‘Not a baby’ my ass,” you mock as your reach for his hands so you can pull him into a sitting position. Still, your hands are gentle as ever when you brush the tips of your fingers on his nose, now tinged red from its contact with the floor. “It’s not scratched or anything so you should be fine for the taping tomorrow. What time is it?”
“Uh, I have to be on standby at five.”
“In the evening? That’s plenty—”
“In the morning,” Jeongguk corrects, looking at you with a duh expression on his face. “Music shows recordings are always in the morning, Bun.”
There it is again. The gnawing feeling in his heart; ugly, uncomfortable, suffocating. In the corner of his right mind, Jeongguk knows that this kind of things are not public knowledge, so you not knowing it should not be a big deal. But the other side of his mind taunts him with the thought of you not knowing means you don’t care about him anymore, which is ridiculous, because just a second ago you were carressing his nose in search of any injury. Maybe if he ignores the feeling hard enough, he can will it to disappear completely.
“What are you still doing here then?” Okay, ouch? “It’s almost midnight!” So?
Years of friendship has allowed you to learn about his expressions a lot, down to the scrunch of his eyebrows or a slight twitch of his lips, so they are an open book as you once again swat at his arm, harder this time after it’s confirmed that he doesn’t have any injury from his fall. “Jeongguk, you need to go home and rest. It’ll be five AM before you know it.”
“Are you kicking me out?” He raises his eyebrows, challenging.
“Well, yeah?”
Jeongguk heaves a sigh. “You’re kicking me out,” he repeats, “I’m worried about you and you’re kicking me out.”
“You’re so dramatic,” you grumble. “I was just doing my assignment. It’s your fault you went here instead of calling me twice like a sane person.”
“Did you consider the possibility of me worrying about something else other than your lack of response?” Jeongguk crosses his arms, looking you straight in the eyes. “Like, what you think about the New York vlog?”
Your expression morphs into one of confusion, and Jeongguk wonders if you look like this when you can’t wrap your head around the lesson in your college classes. “You came here because you want to know what I think about the New York vlog?” you repeat his words in one sentence, and when you put it like that, it does sound ridiculous. “What, were you seeking another validation for it? For what, walking around New York in the heat and eating ten plates of desserts on your own?”
Jeongguk calls you by your real name this time. He doesn’t mean it to come out so harsh, but the way you jump a little at his tone tells him that it was too much. “You realize that I can worry about you too, right, instead of always thinking about myself?” His tone is softer now. “Yes, I was worried when you didn’t answer my call, but I came here to make sure you’re not feeling uncomfortable over how much you appear in the vlog. If you were, I could talk to my team and we could adjust the video and reupload it.”
“Oh.” You blink, your surprise melting into something more unreadable, but Jeongguk can see the way the tension in your shoulders ebb away after. “Why would I be uncomfortable? The vlog didn’t even show my face at all?”
“Bun,” Jeongguk says, now back to his usual nickname for you, “I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this.” He takes your hands in his, sweater paws and all, and tries not to brush his thumb over your skin. “I’m an idol with fans all over the world who stops at nothing just to get a glimpse of my private life. They could find out where I was just from the background of a picture, find out who I was with from a reflection on a silverware. Heck, they found out I was getting a tattoo sleeve all those years ago from a reflection on a goddamn microwave.” He huffs out a chuckle from his chest. “It’s honestly impressive, but when it’s done at your expense, gets a little scary sometimes.”
“Right…” you trail off, even when Jeongguk knows it hasn’t fully settled in your mind how much of a problem this could be. “But, like, they only do that when it’s you, right? Why would they care to do that to me? I’m a nobody.”
Jeongguk have always believed in his mind that you are way smarter than he is, that’s why between the two of you, you’re the college student and he’s the idol. But in this particular moment, he feels like your intelligence is hiding somewhere in your brain, because no matter how many times he tries to explain without exactly saying the words, you just don’t get it.
“Well, they know you’re my best friend,” he points out, “don’t you think they might get curious? Even by now, they already found out my nickname for you, who’s to say they won’t dig for more?”
“Jeongguk,” you say with emphasis, “you say my nickname a bunch in the vlog. ‘Let me take your laptop, Bun. What do you want to order, Bun? Sure, Bun. Okay, Bun!’, it’s not their fault that they come to know the nickname.”
Yeah. Okay. It still stands true that you’re the smart one between the two of you. Jeongguk is just that much of an idiot.
“Besides, I don’t see any problem with your fans knowing my nickname. Isn’t that why you created it in the first place? So people don’t actually know what my name is? Why are you the one panicking now?” you continue pointing out. “I appreciate you worrying, but you should be worrying about yourself and the damn music show taping you have at five AM.”
“Stop talking about the taping, you’re not Namjoon.” Jeongguk frowns. “So you’re not concerned about my fans knowing your nickname?”
You shrug your shoulders. “Not really, it’s served its purpose of keeping my name private.”
“Not even when that could lead to them knowing about our relationship?” His head is so full of concern that Jeongguk fails to catch his slip-up.
“What relationship?” OUCH. “That I’m your best friend? Don’t they know that already?”
Jeongguk’s frown deepens. Somehow, the ease you say the sentence with irks him, like this issue is only a big deal for him, when it’s your private life that’s at risk. Can’t you see how dangerous it could be if his fans found out more things about you? What if his sasaeng fans found out about the bakery you work at or the campus you study at and follow you back home like they do to him? What if they did something to you and he couldn’t protect you because he’s 13 timezones away like he often is?
“You don’t get it, Bun,” Jeongguk sighs, “if they think you and I are more than best friends—like you’re dating me, and I’m dating you—they could turn vicious. They’ll dig up for more things about you, find out things from your past. They’ll know you went to the same middle school as me, then they’d start identifying you from our school photos, start searching for any trace of you in my contents. Pictures, vlogs, songs, behind videos, old, new, everything. Then they’ll start following you home and lurk around your apartment on the daily. What if they start approaching you and harassing you? I can’t always be here to protect you, you realize that, right?”
Jeongguk loves his job as an idol. Truly, he does. But those things sometimes weigh on his mind, wear him down. Personally, he has made peace with it, and just sees it as occupational risk. Besides, he has bodyguards nearly 24/7 anywhere he goes, which lessens the chance for him to get hurt. He could also protect himself on his own.
But you?
You’re just a college student who happens to be tied with him in a close friendship. You don’t deserve any of those things if they were to happen to you.
“Yeah, but…” you trail off, teeth chewing on your bottom lip in hesitation, “we’re not … dating, Jeongguk. We’re just best friends, so the things you said most likely won’t happen.” Even when you say that, Jeongguk can see that there’s a cloud of doubt in your eyes, a sliver of fear appearing for a second too quick that he doesn’t have the chance to call you out on it.
“Wait.” You pause, gripping his arm suddenly, your eyes turning into slits. “Is this what you had in mind when I said you came here because you started a rumor that gave Namjoon a headache?” Disbelief is dripping from your tone. And to make matters worse, that disbelief is clearly apparent when you say: “A dating rumor with me?”
“Why do you look so repulsed at the idea of dating me? Am I not boyfriend material enough for you?” Jeongguk crosses his arm again, eyes drifting to a corner of your room, away from your face which is still painted thick with incredulity. The pout on his lips doesn’t seem to be going away. Okay, he’s sulking over a rejection from you even when his confession is still in the hypothesis phase, but your reaction over a possible dating rumor with him hurts!
“I’m not repulsed, just confused,” you laugh, hoodie-covered fingers pawing at Jeongguk’s tattooed arm to get him to untangle the limb. “You came all the way here for a hypothetical dating rumor which could arise from, what, a few seconds of my voice in your vlog? How does that equate to dating? Do people not have friends anymore?”
Friends don’t look at you and think how badly they want to kiss you, Jeongguk laments in his mind.
“Besides, it’s just that, Jeongguk. Hypothetical. There’s no actual dating rumor spreading, right?” you continue, the remnants of a laugh still spilling from your lips, and Jeongguk thinks what blessing it is to be unaware of all the comments and tweets from his fans about the closeness you and him showed in the vlog.
“But if, if—” Jeongguk glares when you roll your eyes, “—there was one, how would you feel about it?”
This is pointless, and they’re talking in circles. He is talking in circles, he knows. But at this point just saying anything seems like the better option than accepting defeat and actually having to go, leaving you and going back to his lonely apartment. Why would he want to do that when he can stay here with you?
“Confused, like I am now?” There’s a hint of exasperation in your tone, your smile dimming to something a little more tentative. “It wouldn’t make sense for a famous idol like you to date an ordinary person like me. I’d just think the whole rumor is a misunderstanding and probably would yap your ear off about not telling me that you’re dating someone.”
Jeongguk hates that you keep reminding him of the gap between you both. So just because he’s an idol and you’re not, he can’t date you? Why are you so stubborn over this?
“If the rumor was really with you,” Jeongguk persists, not taking any alternatives outside the one he wants, “would you stay being my best friend?”
“Of course,” you say in lightning speed, the furrow of your brows telling him you’re getting offended at his question. “Namjoon would probably tell you to stop contacting me for a while until the rumor goes down, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop being your best friend. I’ve stayed for more than ten years, Jeongguk, do you think I’ll leave just because of a dating rumor? Which is still hypothetical, by the way.”
Hypothetical, but it’s on its way to becoming true, he thinks. If the media got wind of the theories his fans are cooking up about him and you, a rumor would surface for sure. The headlines would sound like a shitty clickbait title and Jeongguk would owe an endless supply of aspirin to Namjoon and his PR team to cure their headaches caused by this. There would probably be a livestreaming ban again for him, maybe with the added restriction of no posting on social media for weeks or months.
But as you said, you’ve stayed, right? You stayed when he went on to become a trainee. You stayed through days, sometimes weeks of no contact due to his training. You stayed even when all he had to offer was late-night complaints with snacks on the side. You’ve stayed through all of his ups and downs that it’s hard to remember a time when you weren’t in his life.
Maybe you won’t stay in his life as someone he really wants you to be, but at least, you’ll still be here.
You’re still talking about the impossibility of a dating rumor arising between you and him, going on a tangent of how the New York vlog is not enough to be presented as evidence, but all Jeongguk could think about is how cuddly you look sitting in his hoodie, lips forming a pout like they do whenever you’re passionately talking about something. In another universe, maybe he could lean in and taste the smile hidden behind that pout. In another universe, maybe he would.
“—now could you get up and go home already? You need to rest and I need to finish—”
In the movies, midnights are often used as a sign of something important. An end of something fun. A start of something new. In real life, it’s just a time people put blame on for the stupid things they do in the late of the night.
Because right now, in this universe, and definitely in real life, Jeongguk could actually taste the lips he only ever dreamed to kiss. They taste sweet—maybe from the hint of blueberry jam of the muffin he knows you love, or the milk bun you like, could even be the chocolate bread you often bring home from the bakery. Or maybe it’s all in his head, because nothing is sweeter than finally kissing the best friend he’s been pining for for years.
Jeongguk’s hand comes up to softly cup your cheek, thumb brushing over the skin of your cheekbone, and he’s about to deepen the kiss as your hands come up to his chest. But instead of holding him in place, those hands are pushing him away. Not harsh, not abrupt, but enough for him to pull away from your lips, the round of his eyes meeting the shocked ones of yours.
Suddenly, it dawns on him that he might have missed a step in all of this, like, actually telling you how he feels.
The words are on the tip of his tongue, ready to roll out in lengthy paragraphs of endless love confession, of how long he has felt this way, of how much he would devote himself to you. His heart is thundering in his ears, and Jeongguk thinks it would leap out of his chest and present itself to you if he stays silent any longer.
“I—”
“I think you should go.”
Your tone is clipped.
“Bun, no, I—”
“Go home and rest, Jeongguk. You have a music show recording in four and a half hours and I still have a presentation to finish.”
You leave no room for argument as you get up from the floor and sit back down on your desk chair, head in your hands. It’s not a strange gesture for you to do, but Jeongguk hates it because this time, he knows he’s the cause of it. Suddenly, the few inches distance between you two feels like miles away, miles that Jeongguk can’t cover no matter how much he trains on his treadmill.
As he closes the door to your apartment behind him, it feels like closing a chapter of his life, the chapter where he doesn’t fuck up the relationship he has with his best friend. He doesn’t even know if he will still have you as his best friend after this. Doesn’t even know if you’ll still talk to him. Doesn’t even know if you’ll stay in his life.
Staring at your apartment door is useless, as any attempt to come back in would be a breach of your trust even more than what he already did. So Jeongguk redirects his sight to his watch, which tells him it’s almost one AM.
Fuck. He only has a little over four hours to forget about the ghost of your lips on his.
(Fuck. He’s never getting it out of his head.)
a/n: you ask, i deliver.. (the kiss, i mean...) hahaha thank you for reading! i dont know if they will get together in the end maybe it depends on the response for this one hahaha
Hi Engene! I’m an older kpop fan (listening since 2012), but a newer Enhypen fan. I’m thinking of going to their upcoming tour, and I would like to bring freebies. I have never made freebies for a concert before, and I was hoping to get an opinion on my idea.
I crochet, so I was thinking of crocheting some keychains. I have a picture of my first draft below. I’m hoping if I go ahead with the idea I can neaten it up a bit.
Do you have any thoughts? Is it nice? Would you be happy if you received this at a concert? Or should I go ahead and do something else? All feedback is welcome, I won’t be offended or upset by critique.
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