why did we delete?
or rather, why did bee delete? this wasn’t a group effort or anything. i’ve been thinking about getting rid of this blog for a while. it was a blog that i started three years ago with vengeful expectations. upon realizing that i was hurting people i didn’t want to hurt, i attempted to transform what burnbooking was. as i got older i realized i didn’t want to be the face of hatred. but you can’t really bury history. although i feel that most of the time i and my friends spent on burnbooking ended up being positive, i couldn’t ignore what pain i’d initially caused. i’ve been so stubborn, not wanting to delete, arguing in my mind “well i did more good than harm”. but both were immortalized on that blog. people who had hurtful burns submitted about them could go back and obsessively view negative things said about them, just as i could go back and read long, ranting social justice posts that i felt had somehow positively contributed to the community. we encouraged positivity as much as we encouraged negativity. in the end those two things don’t cancel each other out. they just coexist.
my largest hesitation, however, was probably the amount of receipts i’d gathered. three years worth of receipts on people i didn’t know, people i knew, myself, my friends, and people i ended up befriending. i guess i figured, in the end, i didn’t really need them. i’m not as involved in the community as i used to be. i don’t care anymore. i’m not an arbitrator. things will settle themselves.
part of this deletion is selfish, i admit. i’m trying to erase the hatred i’ve carried with me for so long and that was a large symbol of it. when i started in the rpc i was a minor who needed an outlet for her own anger. burnbooking became that. as i got older i didn’t want that anymore. there’s a lot of deeper subjects i could get into regarding how i fought with both loving and hating burnbooking, feeling as though i needed it. that i actually began to rely on it. but i don’t need it anymore. i don’t want it. i don’t want other people to need it.
so i’m sorry to any and all that were negatively impacted or felt threatened by the burnbook. i’m sorry for all undue anxiety and sadness caused to those who didn’t deserve it. you’re all welcome to scream at me, bash me, tell me how upset i’ve made you or your friends. please, tell me what i can do to help you if you need it. i owe that much to the community.
what’s next?
while i’m not looking for redemption, i am doing my best to turn over a new leaf. i’m hoping to start a new blog that become a safe space for all. an anti burnbook of sorts. a place that doesn’t harbor negativity, but welcomes it to be destroyed, favoring the expulsion of anger and the spread of positivity and a sense of welcomeness in the community. while i know some of you will think “hey that’s ironic coming from a bitch like you”, i promise you that as i continue to grow, i’m more driven by my love for people rather than my anger towards them. i want to build bridges, make amends, find common ground with those who may dislike me or my friends. i want to create an unbiased space for the rpc to anonymously congregate and feel safe. i hope you’ll all help when the time comes.
i do believe that’s all i have to say right now and maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn’t? i don’t know, my head is spinning. i’m so relieved it’s over. i hope others are as well.
best of luck to everyone.
xoxo, bee