I never felt like I was a pretty girl.
I was never confident with how I looked. Like I would take a selfie and all I could see are those imperfections. Why are my eye circles so big and dark? Why does my nose look so big? Why is my mouth so small? Why can’t my lips look any fuller? Why do my eyes look so sad? Why is my face so round? Why don’t I have sharp jawlines? Why is my hair so thin? Why do all I see in myself is imperfection?
Yup, and some people around me constantly reminded me of what I didn’t have. I remember I was not pretty and fit in high school (not that I am any fitter now lol). I was chubby and short - hence I was teased a lot by some boys. They would make fun of me of looking like a square lol. Trust me, it wasn’t funny at all. A boy did straight up tell me that I was ugly and fat. I don’t know whether he was joking. I hope he was.
Growing up, many girls dream of being pretty and being told that they’re pretty. Many grow up building their self-esteem and confidence merely around how they look and dress. For me, it wasn’t too important. I rather build myself, my reputation as a smart and hardworking gal. As being able to stick up for myself and others. As being kind and approachable. As being unique. Speaking of uniqueness, I ironically tried to repress myself. I wanted to conform. To be ordinary. For I believed it was a better idea to be likable rather than being one of a kind. I blended in with the majority.
Same thing applies to work. I was likeable. But I wasn’t being myself. This constantly bothers me. But I try to get along with this version of me.
Today, I myself cut my hair for the first time. Honestly, I would never go with straight bangs ever again after years of no bangs lol but who cares. I did it anyway. I freaked out a bit but I kept cutting. It did feel good! I also tried on a new makeup style. Yasss I felt so pretty and myself again. It felt like how I always felt like when holding a camera in my hands. My stomach fluttered.
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