@butfirstiwillcry - Tumblr Blog

I’m loved once and then I search for that same feeling my entire life

😐😌

Walking around the mall no money my too big pants and my wrinkly t-shirt feeling so out of place, like everything that’s in front of me, is behind me, overpriced Korean skincare and clearance sections with piles and piles of clothes. I see too much and I find nothing, my taste completely changed. It’s not that I’m difficult to please, it’s that I know what I like and don’t like. The discernment that I prayed for every night for the last 9 months came out of me like a newborn child. I can see, not black and white. But I can see and everything is stark and bleak and done and done, except for yellow. Yellow like the sun, yellow to cure me of sadness. Yellow like my teeth, yellow like my healing bruises, yellow, yellow

Just drove to nowhere for like 10 min wasting gas crying why nobody ever prioritized me in my life and wondering if this is why im starting to lead a life where I stop doing everything for people who don’t do the same for me and have to make sure I don’t rely on anybody…. And it is crushing the spirit, but I care about my cat and I see him as a reflection of my childhood as well. I need to get him a friend I hate to think of him lonely and bored playing with his toys all by himself and waiting until I can play the wand toy with him. He loves that wand toy so much