high school is soo funny in hindsight. the entire time you're there thinking it's the most important period of your life and then the second you're out you're like well that was fucking stupid
Keni
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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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shark vs the universe
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@butter-than-you
high school is soo funny in hindsight. the entire time you're there thinking it's the most important period of your life and then the second you're out you're like well that was fucking stupid
Red (2012) / Daylight (2019)
I'm Already Sick of the Masturbation Jokes - The Bachelorette Season 17, Episode 1 Recap
Image from abc.com
In my final post for the most recent season of The Bachelor, I concluded by saying that they were “giving us just enough time to recover from this shit show before diving headfirst into the next one.” This was not true; I have not recovered. I am still exhausted from the absolute trainwreck that that season became. Nonetheless, I must trek on.
Before we start, let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room. Or should I say not in the room? Chris Harrison has made his exit from the Bachelor franchise after he thought it was a good idea to yell at a Black woman about racism. To replace him, producers have brought in previous Bachelorettes and fan favorites, Tayshia Adams and Kaitlyn Bristowe. It was immediately obvious they were much better for the job than Chris ever was. When Katie spoke about her nerves, instead of nodding solemnly like they knew all the secrets of the universe, they actually gave her advice, and it was good advice because they’ve been in her shoes before. I never disliked Chris as host, to be clear, but having previous Bachelorettes host was so clearly a great idea it’s crazy no one thought of it before.
Now, let’s get into the recap, starting with introducing the Bachelorette herself, Katie Thurston.
Katie, 30
Image from abc.com
Katie, from Washington state, was a contestant on Matt’s season and made quite the first impression when she got out of the limo holding her vibrator. Many worried that she might get stuck being “the vibrator girl”, but she avoided the title and became a fan favorite when she continuously stood up to the squad of bullies on her season. (For more detail, you can check out my recap of each episode here.) She was sent home on a one-on-one date when Matt friend-zoned her (or realized she wanted an actual relationship, not an Instagram relationship, like what he has now.) She feels her biggest relationship obstacle is that she is always “too much” for guys. It seems the contestants this season are also capable of being “too much”.
As I did for Matt’s season, I’m not going to recap all of the contestants, but rather run through the five that stood out the most to me.
Thomas, 28
Image from abc.com
Thomas was the first guy out of the limo, and Katie was immediately smitten. As always, the headshots do nobody justice. He was much cuter on TV, and also VERY tall. If I’m being honest, I don’t remember much about his personality or what he said to Katie, but I do remember he was tall, and that’s all that really matters when looking for a husband, right? Katie definitely seemed to like him, so I see him sticking around for a while.
Tre, 26
Image from abc.com
Tre had a gimicky limo entrance, but it was actually cute rather than the usual cringe. A pick-up truck pulled in the driveway, and then Tre popped out of the ball-pit in the bed of the truck. During the cocktail hour, Katie climbed in the back with him and they chatted. I don’t know how far he will go, but he was sweet and he actually pulled off a limo-entrance-bit, so I have to give him kudos.
Connor B., 29
Image from abc.com
Speaking of doing bits, Connor B. Connor is first introduced to the viewers from his video package where he is sitting naked in a bathtub, playing the ukelele. He then reveals that he is an Eighth Grade math teacher, and I cannot even imagine being 13 and seeing your math teacher doing that on reality TV. His classroom must have been in absolute chaos on Tuesday. If not because of his naked ukelele playing, perhaps because of what he wore on the first night. This man showed up in a full cat costume, complete with face-makeup-whiskers. If I were the Bachelorette, I probably would have told him to get right back in the limo. But, Katie did not and actually seemed to be kind of into the catsuit. (We do not kink shame here!) During the cocktail hour, he even gave her ears and paw-shaped mittens of her own, and then the two of them made out – like, fully made. out. Like, it probably could’ve been the steamiest make-out in Bachelor nation history if they hadn’t been dressed like cats. Afterward, he is positive he will get the first impression rose, and I actually thought he might as well. But, Katie just can’t give her very first rose to a guy wearing whiskers, and Connor B. is left to lick his wounds. (I’m sorry, I had to make one.)
Greg, 27
Image from abc.com
First of all, I have to point out for those who may not have watched the episode; this is a bad photo of Greg. No contestant ever looks good in their headshot, but this may be the worst one yet. Greg walked onto the screen and immediately became a fan favorite. He is adorable and charming, and has a niece and nephew that he loves to talk about; he even brings Katie a macaroni necklace the 3-year-old niece made for her. And, because I already stalked his Instagram, his grid is comprised of sweet photos of said niece/nephew and him hugging his mom, and it only takes two scrolls to get to his first post in 2013. Did someone actually come on this show for the right reasons? Katie seemed to think so, as she gave him the first impression rose. In response, he asks if he can kiss her, and boy can he.
Jeff, 31
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To start, Jeff is a surgical skin salesman, which is not actually a creepy job, but it sure does sound creepy. Jeff shows up in the RV that he lives in, and it’s not some cool, aesthetically pleasing tiny house. It’s just a straight-up, normal RV. During the cocktail hour, he gives Katie a tour of said RV. When offering her a drink, he feels the need to say, “this is just soda. Don’t worry. I’m not gonna take you in my RV, get you drunk, and try to sleep with you.” Um, WHAT? Why would you say something like that?!
Katie was not into any of it and sent him home at the rose ceremony. Along with Jeff; Gabriel, Austin, Brandon, Landon, Marcus, and Marty all left without even unpacking their bags.
Before wrapping up, I have to mention that randomly in the middle of the episode, two guys named Aaron and Cody start yelling in each other’s face, “I don’t like you!” and I don’t understand how you can already not like someone there; you don’t even KNOW anyone there. Anyway, we get absolutely no context for this fight, but it seemed like maybe the producers were planting a seed for drama later? Who knows. See you guys next week.
Valley of the Dolls and Hollywood's Desire to Self-Protect
Poster from imdb.com
Valley of the Dolls (1967) tells the story of three young women working in show business in the 1960s. Originally adapted from Jacqueline Susann’s 1966 book by the same name, the screenplay was written by two women, Helen Deutsch and Dorothy Kingsley. The director for the film, though, was a man, named Mark Robson. The plot centers around three protagonists, Anne Welles, Neely O’Hara, and Jennifer North. Their stories connect and separate several times as they each navigate Hollywood, growing in stardom and fading into oblivion. All three storylines follow two themes, the role of women in the 1960s and the abuse of drugs by these women to deal with the pressures of their culture. The film largely stays true to the novel, but alters some important aspects in order to soften the critique that Susann originally proposed. Valley of the Dolls is an attempted commentary on societal demands on women in the 1960s, but is unsuccessful in its criticism due to continuing to perpetuate several misogynistic standards and Hollywood trying to alleviate itself of guilt.
Valley of the Dolls is one of few movies from its era that centers on multiple female leads without allowing for any male characters to come in and dominate the narrative. The story goes further than to just portray women, and even passes commentary on the harmful expectations put on them by society. There are messages about the workforce, body image, and marriage roles all present. Still, while the film may seem to have a feminist message for most of the plot, it falls short in its final moments. The two women, Neely and Jennifer, who are outwardly ambitious and more sexually promiscuous, are punished for their behavior, while the virginally pure and soft spoken Anne is the one who gets a happy ending, though not in the traditional sense.
The first woman to look at is Neely O’Hara (Patty Duke). Neely, the youngest of the three, is also the most talented and the most ambitious. While her two co-protagonists experience minor stardom, Neely becomes a full-fledged celebrity. As Neely begins her rise to the top, she is forced to work out, despite already being nearly rail thin. During her work-out montage, she even asks her trainer, “you call this acting?” This moment serves to show that for women, being an actor was not strictly about their talent, but also the way they looked. Working out is a part of the job for Neely because if she gains weight, people will no longer want to look at her and thus she won’t be able to be on stage or screen.
The affect of her ambition on her womanhood is also seen through the depiction of her first marriage to her hometown sweetheart, Mel (Martin Milner). When Neely gets her big break, she asks Mel to marry her, flipping the tradition of a man asking a woman. This is the first evidence of the gender role reversal that will be present later. In one scene, after Neely has made it and begun earning more money, the audience sees that Mel is now in charge of keeping house, a job typically meant for the wife at this time. The two get into an argument and Mel, sick of being bossed around by Neely, states, “I am not the butler,” to which Neely retorts, “you’re not the bread winner either.” The two get divorced shortly after. In the beginning of the movie, as Neely is about to be cut out of the broadway show, Mel gives her advice on how to handle the situation in a way that is both best for her career and best for earning money. Mel is more than happy to support Neely’s ambition when she is starting out and he is controlling her success. When Neely grows beyond his grasp, begins to overshadow him, and no longer needs him, the turmoil of their relationship begins. Mel’s male ego cannot handle having a wife who not only is not reliant on him, but who he is reliant on.
In contrast, Jennifer’s fatal flaw is not her ambition but her body. The audience is introduced to Jennifer (Sharon Tate) as she is scantily clad in a leotard with a giant showgirl headpiece on. Her first line is concern that she cannot walk, “I feel a little top heavy,” to which her director replies, “Dear, you are top heavy.” This is met by a chorus of laughter from the men in the room and clear distress from Jennifer’s face. Jennifer’s sin is simply her breasts and her beauty; she is punished for merely existing in her natural form. On the phone with her mother, she states, “I know I don’t have any talent, and I know all I have is my body.” She recognizes that she has no marketable skills, but with the way that society has commodified the female figure, she can use her natural assets to get ahead.
Jennifer’s plot line introduces the character of Miriam (Lee Grant), the sister of Jennifer’s husband, Tony (Tony Scotti). Miriam also manages Tony. This is interesting because all the other women in the film are controlled by men, but Miriam is not only not controlled by a man, but controls one herself. Jennifer, who seems not to have a manager, but operates as an independent, eventually is taken on by Miriam, emphasizing the way that Miriam acts as a male figure, controlling and dominating her world like men normally do. Miriam eventually sells Jennifer into porn. When Jennifer tries to protest, Miriam insists, “Tony wouldn’t know the difference.” Jennifer’s plea of “well, I would,” falls on deaf ears. Miriam views the world like a man, thinking only a husband should be offended by his wife’s immodesty, not recognizing that the woman is also a person with feelings about the exposure of her own body.
Jennifer’s whole life and career is based on her body. When she is diagnosed with breast cancer and must get a mastectomy, she states, “all I ever had was a body. All I know how to do is take off my clothes.” She is realizing that without her breasts, she will have no way of earning a living or supporting herself, as she has done her whole life. This drives her to suicide, deciding she would rather die than lose her body. The message of this scene is clear; despite the fact that society has deemed her figure the only thing that gives her value, her exploitation of it still must be punished by death. Women are supposed to surrender to the forces of the patriarchy, not use them to their own advantage.
The third protagonist, the redeemable protagonist, is Anne Welles (Barbara Parkins). Anne is introduced at the very beginning of the film through her own narration as she tells the listener that her family’s home has been around since the revolution, showing that she represents American tradition. The story of George Washington drinking from their well symbolizes that people like Anne are what give America life. This American idealization is what protects Anne throughout her career. As she enters the office for the first time to the slut shaming of a pregnant cat, the audience immediately knows that this place will not be very friendly to women. This is fortified when her boss tells her she is “too good looking” for her job and talks about getting her “broken in”. This is exemplifying the idea that beautiful women aren’t meant for work while also objectifying them by talking about women like they’re shoes.
Her romantic interest, Lyon (Paul Burke), who is also her boss, calls Anne, “barely pink” when he first meets her, admiring how young she is. He later tells her that jewelry is not for her, and that she should only be gifted flowers, specifically white ones. These are both attempts to preserve Anne’s delicacy, or “pinkness”. Diamonds and gold are too flashy for a soft spoken woman like Anne, and the white flowers clearly symbolize purity. Constantly throughout the entire film, the audience is reminded of Anne being special and unlike other “bad” women such as Neely or Jennifer. At one point Lyon tells Anne that no other girls compare to her because they can’t “stand up to her image”. Not her actual person or personality, but her image. Anne does not have actual personhood in the eyes of Lyon, but exists only as the idealized woman.
This is further exemplified when she becomes the Gillian Girl. The man who hires her says he wants someone known with Gillian exclusively. The idea here is they want her to be only an image of beauty and innocence; if she works with other brands or as an actress she becomes more than one-dimensional and people can discover that she may have flaws. Anne’s ability to maintain her image of perfection and purity throughout the entire film is why she gets to live happily ever after at the end, unlike her two counterparts. She returns to her hometown and lives out the rest of her life as the embodiment of American tradition.
This movie gets its title from the nickname that Neely gives the pills that she and the other two protagonists all become addicted to. The name, “dolls”, calls to mind a picture of girlhood and female adolescence, highlighting how young Neely is (only 17) when the story begins. Many movies of the 1960s, such as Dennis Hopper’s Easy Rider (1969) were depicting taking psychedelic drugs and having crazy trips. Valley of the Dolls shows a different type of drug use, the abuse of painkillers. Though the main characters are movie stars and models, their drug habit was likely more relatable to the suburban movie-going audience than that of Hopper’s characters. It was all too common for housewives to be prescribed “mother’s little helpers” to deal with what was condescendingly written off as “hysteria”. Another difference between these two movies is that psychedelic trips were portrayed as freeing, eye-opening experiences. In contrast, the painkillers are entrapping for the women and ultimately ruin their careers and end their lives.
The character who has the least interaction with the “dolls” is Anne. This is done to keep the idea of Anne as the “pure”, “good” character. The way she begins to take the drugs is interesting, though; she first picks up the bottle when she realizes that her long-term boyfriend, Lyon, is having an affair with her best friend, Neely. This serves two purposes. This first is that it shows that the pills are not used for pleasure, like psychedelics would be, but for numbing purposes. This also displays the corruptive force of Hollywood; it is not until the plot moves from New York to Hollywood that these women turn sour. Because of this city, Neely betrays her best friend and sweet, innocent Anne is driven to drug use.
Jennifer is seen taking the pills two times, twice as often as Anne is. The first time she takes them is when she learns about Tony’s illness. Again, they are used to numb emotional pain. The second time Jennifer is shown taking the pills is when she purposely overdoses on them to kill herself. This is the most extreme version of numbing difficult emotions a person can take, and the most obvious way that the movie could show that these drugs do not provide enjoyment but rather stop misery. What the “dolls” provide is nothingness, and Jennifer takes this nothingness to its maximum.
Neely is the character whose story is most entangled with drug use. She begins when her trainer gives her diet pills to slim her already thin figure. During this montage, the audience clearly sees Mel, the symbol of her pre-fame life, shake his head and tell her no, but she responds with a shrug, as if to say, “what’s the worst that could happen?” Shortly after, she tells Anne that she takes sleeping pills that are so strong, she has to take red pills to counteract them to wake up in the mornings, but then must take the sleeping pills again at night because the red ones have not yet worn off. Taking the pills is an endless cycle for Neely that will lead her to spiral to rock bottom.
In a following scene, Neely is seen being an absolute mess on the set of a movie, causing them to call for her husband to take her home because she cannot work under such strong influence of drugs and alcohol. When Anne and Lyon go to check on her, Anne lectures her about the danger of drinking while taking the pills, but Neely asserts that she must do so because it makes them work faster. This moment shows the desperation Neely has to stop feeling. Later on, after getting drunk in a dive-bar, having sex with some random nobody, and being robbed the morning after, Neely overdoses and nearly dies. Anne implies that this may have been intentional, despite Neely insisting otherwise. The audience is left to wonder.
During the third act of the movie, after Neely has gone to rehab and gotten clean, her older rival, Helen Lawson (Susan Hayward), brags about how she never needed pills like Neely did. Lawson claims her current sobriety is only temporary and Neely will eventually return to her old bad habits. The character summarizes Neely’s entire story with one line, “nothing can destroy her talent, but she’ll destroy herself.” Lawson’s words come true; Neely’s final scene sees her relapsing on opening night of the show she’s supposed to star in and being replaced by her younger understudy, the very thing she was afraid of. Her story closes on her drunk in an alley, screaming her own name.
To properly analyze this film, one must compare it to its source material, Jacqueline Susann’s novel by the same name. Though the movie stays true to the novel in most major plot points, there are distinct narrative changes and omissions that drastically alter the story. One of the most distinct examples of this is that Lyon refuses to marry Anne until the final scene of the film. In the novel, he marries her when they first reunite in Los Angeles. When he begins his affair with Neely, Anne is pregnant with their first child, which gives Anne a stronger motive to turn to the pills than she has in the movie. The book version of the two women are also much closer friends, which creates a more dramatic change in Neely’s character than in the film. Removing these two extremes makes Neely’s character arc less impactful.
Another aspect that was removed is Tony’s obsession with sex. An important part of Jennifer’s characterization is that she has always been made to feel that her body is her only source of value. This is added to, in the novel, by the fact that sex is the foundation for her relationship with her husband. This is only alluded to in the film with one line when they are walking in the park. In the novel, it is emphasized explicitly at multiple points. One of the reasons Jennifer chooses to kill herself rather than lose her breasts is because she believes she will lose even her husband’s love. The film likely made this change, as well as the marital change, to make the characters of Tony and Neely more sympathetic. While this goal is accomplished, it also softens the harsh realities that Susann was trying to expose in her novel.
One final difference between the film and novel is the ending. In the film, Lyon finally proposes to Anne and she rejects him, getting to move on with her life and live peacefully. She gets a happy ending. The novel ends with Anne and Lyon still married, her discovering that he is having yet another affair with a client, and her returning to the pills. This final note makes it clear that there are no happy endings for women in this city. The change is another example of Hollywood trying to show itself in a more flattering light than the one Susann placed on it.
Valley of the Dolls, the novel, was written by a female author as a way to condemn the mistreatment of women in the 1960s, specifically the mistreatment perpetuated by Hollywood on women in show business. The film adaptation tries to duplicate this commentary, but fails for multiple reasons. The first is that it chooses to save the “good girl” character. In the written work, all three stories ending in tragedy shows how no woman is safe from the effects of the patriarchy. Opting to protect the “pure” character alters the message completely so that it is no longer a criticism but a continuation of the idea that ambitious, promiscuous women deserve punishment and good, virginal women deserve happy endings. In addition, it omits important plot points that provide motivation for the characters self-destructive actions, such as Anne taking the pills for the first time and Jennifer committing suicide. By removing the catalysts, the characters are turned into cliché hysterical women. The film fails to adapt Susann’s novel correctly because it replicates the sensational bits while omitting the message. Unlike the book, the film serves only to entertain and not to critique.
I Am In This Episode and I Don't Like It - Emily in Paris, Season 1, Episode 6 Recap (Spoilers!!)
Poster from IMDB
Birds having sex. That is how this episode opens. Shots of birds fucking. We then cut away from this to Emily lying in bed, unable to sleep because Gabriel and Camille are having extremely loud sex. I have heard neighbors through walls and the people above me’s bed banging on the floor, but never have I heard the people who live below me (like Gabriel and Camille do to Emily) having sex. They must be really loud. Also, based on this scene, Emily sleeps with full makeup (including lipstick) and her hair perfectly curled. I honestly think the production team wanted this show to be mocked.
The next morning, Emily is again eating at a café with Mindy, who is whining about how her dad wants to buy her a BMW and a mansion. Her life is honestly so hard. She then reveals to Emily that she was on a singing competition show in China, where she failed miserably and became a meme. Not to repeat myself, but I think the show’s goal is to be mocked.
Emily gets to work, and we learn that, because they are meeting with an important couture designer that day, she was told specifically to wear all black. At least the show is self-aware with how terrible her outfit choices are. They arrive at Pierre Cadault’s studio, and it is clear that his aesthetic is definitely not all black - more beiges and pastels, just like the rest of Paris. I think the writers were thinking of New York when they chose all black; someone should tell them fashion isn’t the same everywhere. Cadault comes to meet them, sees Emily’s tacky Eiffel Tower bag charm, and calls her “ringarde” or “basic,” and then storms out of the meeting. A bit dramatic, if I’m being honest, but also, the bag charm was pretty basic:
That night, Emily is minding her own business eating dinner alone when some (not even cute) man begins talking to her about whether a couple at another table is mother-and-son or dating. After a cut to show that time has passed, Emily finishes the story of her meeting with Cadault. The man, named Tomas, says that it is "ringarde” to call someone “ringarde” and then says he doesn’t think she’s basic - he clearly does not know her very well. He then starts a pretentious speech about known sexist pig, Pablo Picasso, and a bunch of other buzz-word names. Tomas is a know-it-all asshole and reminds me of every guy I have ever dated. Emily is impressed, nonetheless, and sleeps with him. Do better, Emily. Also, while I love Lily Collins, she is not great at acting in sex scenes; it was unbearably awkward. By the way, even Emily’s bras have pictures of Paris on them:
The next morning, she runs into Camille, who tells her that she can hear Emily just as well as Emily can hear her and Gabriel. The fact that they all hear each other, but not any of the other neighbors, is pretty solid evidence for my no-one-else-lives-there theory.
At work, Emily brags to Julien about how Tomas quoted poetry to her, and Julien rightfully says that’s boring. As an English major who has had to deal with many men interested in poetry, it’s only hot in theory. In practice, it’s boring and annoying, and they always expect you to be so impressed that they can quote the same Shakespeare sonnet that everyone had to memorize in High School Brit Lit. Emily then learns that Sylvie is holding a meeting without her and not speaking to her because she lost them the account with Cadault, one of Sylvie’s favorite designers. Apparently, Emily is not the only person at this office with no sense of professionalism.
Emily meets Mindy at their bench in the park, and they are again talking about Mindy’s singing career. I cannot express how little I care about this plotline. Mindy says she has too much PTSD from her failure on “Chinese Popstar” to audition for a local jazz club, but when Emily asks her to sing for her right there, Mindy is belting in the middle of the park with very little convincing. (Here is the moment where I take a break from my criticizing everything to say I absolutely love Ashley Park’s voice. Please go listen to “What’s Wrong With Me?” from the Mean Girls Musical soundtrack.)
That night, Emily and Tomas run into Gabriel and Camille outside their building, because of course they do. (It was at this moment that I realized the actor who plays Gabriel, Lucas Bravo, could very easily fill the Armie-Hammer-sized hole we currently have in society.) Being her always-friendly, always-oblivious self, Camille forces Emily and Tomas to go on a double date with her and Gabriel. Gabriel sees right through Tomas’s bullshit, which is probably easy to do since Tomas is blatantly rude to Gabriel because Tomas is the type to only be polite to people he wants to fuck. Back at her apartment, remembering her conversation with Camille that morning, Emily tells Tomas that they need to be quieter when they have sex. They are (somehow) even louder than before.
Because the whole premise of this show seems to be that Emily lucks herself into things, while walking to work the next day, she notices in the corner of a sign for a ballet that Pierre Cadault designed the costumes and that opening night is that night. After Sylvie refuses to go with her (and rips up the original tickets), she invites Tomas to join her.
As she’s leaving for the ballet (in an absolutely ridiculous outfit), she runs into Gabriel again. Are you guys as tired of reading that phrase as I am of writing it? We may have to turn it into a drinking game. Gabriel tells Emily the truth about what he thinks of Tomas, calling him “an asshole masquerading as an intellectual.” I loved that line. He also tells her that she is “wasting her time with a guy who doesn’t deserve her,” and um, what exactly is so great about Emily?
When Emily arrives at the ballet and meets up with Tomas, he asks her if he is playing a joke on him by bringing him to see “Swan Lake”, which, according to him, is “for tourists”. “Swan Lake” is actually my favorite ballet, so fuck him. Emily then has a moment of clarity and finally realizes what her horniness had kept her from seeing the last three days; Tomas is a pretentious douche. (Emily actually said “snob” but I feel “pretentious douche” is more precise). Tomas responds by calling Emily “simpleminded”. When he realizes she’s offended by this, for some reason, he tries to better the situation by calling her “simple but beautiful”. I believe the sound I made at this point would be called a “guffaw”. When she still isn’t happy, he tells her to go to the ballet, and he’ll meet her afterward and “treat her to some amazing sex.” She flips him off and walks away, which is actually a lot more polite than how I would’ve responded in that situation.
She then finds Cadault and explains to him that she always wanted to be Serena van der Woodsen and would buy bag charms because it was the only thing she could afford from the designers that she worshipped. Cadault turns out to be a Gossip Girl fan, which is revealed by having him spoil Gossip Girl. Seriously, he just straight-up SAYS who Gossip Girl is. I know it’s been 8 years, but there should’ve been a spoiler warning or something. I already knew, but what if I hadn’t? It was rude. Anyway, the next day Sylvie gets a call from Cadault that he wants a meeting with her and tells her to “bring Gossip Girl”. Everything always works out for Emily in the end.
Remember Parties? - Emily in Paris, Episode 7 Recap (Spoilers!!)
Poster from IMDB
While on her way to work, Emily spots Sylvie checking out at a clothing store and obnoxiously bangs on the window to get her attention. Of course, Sylvie is horrified, but she allows Emily to walk with her to the office, anyway. Sylvie tells Emily she’s going away next week but won’t say where (a gossiping Julien reveals later that it’s to St. Bart’s with Antoine), but first, for this week, she puts Emily in charge of babysitting an American actress named Brooklyn Park who is hosting an event for them.
At the office, Emily tells Luc and Julien about how she loves Brooklyn Park, who is known for Romantic Comedies. The boys tell her that Rom-Coms are not very popular in Paris because they prefer a “French Ending” — one of tragedy. Julien also says that happy endings are American, which seemed very relevant to this show; it’s clearly a very Americanized version of life in Paris, and all the episodes have a happy ending. Luc finished by telling Emily, “thinking you can escape life is your problem. You can never escape life. Ever.” Maybe someone should get Luc a therapist?
Emily picks up Brooklyn (Carlson Young) and brings her to her hotel. Emily mentions to Brooklyn that marijuana is “highly illegal” in France, which actually shocked me. I even googled it to see if it was true - it is. France seems like the kind of place that would be really chill about drug use, but I guess not. When they get to the hotel suite, Brooklyn immediately gets undressed. Emily tries to go over the agenda with her, but Brooklyn kicks her out of the room because she “has to” masturbate after a long flight.
Emily has dinner with Camille and Mindy at Gabriel’s restaurant. Gabriel comes out to sit with them, and Camille announces that Gabriel has the opportunity to buy the restaurant. Before they can celebrate, though, Gabriel clarifies that he can’t actually afford to do so, but Camille counters that he could afford it if he accepted money from her parents. It’s awkward.
The next day, Emily takes Brooklyn to Pierre Cadault’s dress shop to find something to wear to the party - finding a way to promote one client at a party for another is an actually good marketing idea from Emily. Color me shocked. While Brooklyn is in the dressing room, Emily meets Pierre’s nephew, Mathieu. Mathieu tells Emily that he is in charge of the business side of the company, and Pierre did not actually have the ability to hire Savoir for marketing. He agrees to put them on a one-month trial but tells he she has to make “memorable posts”. Telling a marketing professional to make memorable content is the equivalent of telling your surgeon not to accidentally kill you; it’s literally the main goal of their job.
At the party, the company hosting, Fourtier (clearly a play on Cartier), makes Emily sign a waiver for the two million dollar watch that Brooklyn is wearing. Gabriel attends the party, but Mindy and Camille are both conveniently out of town. In addition to this, Antoine shows up with his wife. Emily runs off to warn Sylvie, who tries to act nonchalant and asks “who cares”, but it’s pretty evident that she does. Later on in the night, Emily finds herself in the middle of a conversation with Sylvie, Antoine, Antoine’s wife, and Gabriel. The wife (whose name I do not believe was said) plays a trick, saying she was accidentally copied on an email about a trip that Antoine was planning to surprise her with to St. Bart’s next week. It is obvious she knows the truth, but Antoine plays along. Sylvie is upset and leaves, and Emily chases after her. When she finds Sylvie outside, she again puts up a stone wall and pretends nothing bothers her. Out of nowhere, Brooklyn appears in a car window, says goodbye, and then drives off, still wearing the expensive watch.
Gabriel and Emily call her driver to find out where she’s going and then chase her down at a club. Instead of getting the watch from her and returning it to Fourtier, Emily and Gabriel do shots with Brooklyn and start partying with her. The two dance horribly, like literally the worst dancing that has ever happened, and then they make out. It took literally one shot for her to get to this point. Clean it up, Emily.
Emily comes to her senses and stops making out with her friend’s boyfriend. She then notices she has a bunch of missed calls from Fourtier. They call again, and she picks up this time. The man asks her where the fuck their $2 million watch is, and Emily says she didn’t know it was supposed to be returned immediately. She is really just too dumb. She goes to get Brooklyn but discovers she has disappeared, still wearing the watch. Emily begins to freak out, but luckily there’s a man (Gabriel) to save the day.
Emily rides on the back of Gabriel’s Vespa without a care in the world, but when they arrive at Brooklyn’s hotel, she is suddenly an anxious mess again. The man working at the front desk refuses to let her up to Brooklyn’s room (she literally had already been up there and knew where it was. Why she didn’t just walk right past that guy is beyond me), and the two of them decide there is nothing else they can do and go to get a drink at the hotel bar.
Seated in moody blue lighting, Emily stresses about the very real chance she gets fired the next day. Gabriel tells her that maybe it won’t be so bad to lose her job, since now she can travel and fall in love. Do men not realize that women have career aspirations and life goals that don’t involve men?
Emily changes the subject to ask Gabriel about buying the restaurant, and he says he doesn’t want to take the money from Camille’s parents because he doesn’t want to be “owned”. I have a feeling that he also doesn’t want to be that committed to Camille, considering he keeps kissing Emily. Sylvie then finds Emily flirting at a bar rather than doing her job and gets her back on task. The two women go back to the hotel clerk, and Sylvie intimidates the fuck out of him, and he brings them up to Brooklyn’s room.
There, they find Brooklyn in bed with some random guy, and Sylvie grabs the watch from the nightstand. The dress Brooklyn was wearing happens to be tossed on the floor in a perfect flat-lay, and Emily snaps a shot for Cadault’s Instagram. In the elevator back to the lobby, Emily confronts Sylvie about the drama with Antoine and his wife. Sylvie says she doesn’t want 100% from a man or to give 100% to a man because happy endings don’t actually exist. She tells Emily there is no such thing as a knight and a white horse, and as she says this, the two women step out of the hotel to Gabriel, leaning against his pearly white scooter. Sylvie rolls her eyes and walks off.
Gabriel asks Emily if she wants to go share a crepe and watch the sunrise. Her conversation with Sylvie made her realize that she does want 100%, and hanging out with a guy with a girlfriend is not the way to get it. She tells him, “I’m not somebody who can share a crepe. I want the whole crepe.” I could not agree more about not sharing dessert. Fuck anyone who asks if I want to split a dessert.
The next morning, the photo Emily took of the dress gets almost 200,000 likes on Instagram, and Mathieu messages her that she “made Pierre Cadault sexy again.” I guess she did know how to do her job, asshole. Of course, based on the first 6 episodes of this show, I kind of understand why he was doubtful.
Seriously, What the Fuck Did I Just Watch? - Emily in Paris, Episode 8 Recap
Poster from IMDB
I literally cannot believe everything that happens in this episode happens. I honestly may not be able to even write this blog; that’s how insane it all was. The episode begins with Emily leaving her apartment at the same time that Gabriel and Camille are leaving theirs, but Emily hides to avoid running into them, meaning we don’t get to start our drinking game just yet. Camille then texts her asking if they can meet for lunch and talk about “something important.”
At breakfast with Mindy, Emily is sure Camille knows that she and Gabriel kissed (for the second time). Mindy gives Emily some pretty good advice, “just don’t kiss Gabriel,” but Emily insists that “it’s not that easy.” It literally is, though? Like, just don’t put your lips on his? It’s really not that hard? You see tons of other people every day, and you don’t kiss any of them, right? Or is Emily just going around and kissing literally every person she sees? I highly doubt it. The conversation moves on to Mindy, who has friends from her old life in China visiting because one of them, Li, is getting married. Mindy is nervous about seeing them again because they don’t know that she’s a nanny now.
For lunch (did she go to work at all or just out to eat?), she meets Camille at a sushi restaurant, clearly following Mindy’s advice to avoid anywhere with steak knives. It turns out that Camille doesn’t know about her kiss(es) with Gabriel and just wants Savoir to represent her family’s champagne company. Emily says she will pitch it to her coworkers, and Camille invites her to her family’s chateau for the weekend to learn more about the company. Gabriel will not be coming because he has to work and is still upset with Camille for asking her mother for a loan to help him buy the restaurant.
When she finally does go to the office, her coworkers are not very interested in the champagne company since it’s so small. They then begin to roast Emily about the love triangle she’s in with Gabriel and Camille. Without Sylvie, Luc, and Julien, this show would be completely unwatchable.
In the morning, while loading her belongings into Camille’s tiny car, Gabriel shows up, and it’s revealed that he is coming because he got the weekend off work. Emily is less than happy since she is still trying to avoid him. In addition, due to their bags, the three of them all have to squeeze in the front row, making Emily sit on Gabriel’s lap. As they’re driving, Camille asks, “everyone okay?” in a weirdly suggestive manner, and I again have to wonder if there’s going to be a threesome at some point. It almost feels inevitable. But then, Camille also says she wants to set Emily up with her brother, so who knows.
At the “chateau”, Emily meets Camille’s mother, Louise, who is extremely cold to her and speaks French despite being fluent in English, and Camille’s father, Gerard, who is naked by the pool, his genitalia covered by a very well placed champagne bottle. Louise sends Gabriel to the market, and he tries to get Emily to join him on the bike ride. Emily says no, as a bike ride on the French countryside to a farmer’s market is way too romantic to do with someone who you are trying to avoid kissing, and then Emily and Gabriel get into a fight on whether they can be friends, Gabriel saying it’s no big deal and Emily insisting it’s best if they keep their distance.
Emily decides to go on a tour of the winery instead, where she chugs champagne like it’s a natty light and she’s an 18-year-old named Brad pledging Kappa Sig. She hits it off with the hot tour guide and discovers that he is Camille’s brother, Timothée. Every Timothée is hot; this is only the second I’ve ever seen, but my point still stands. I also must point out how much he looks like Gabriel. But they’re from France, not Alabama, so I won’t say what I am thinking.
Gabriel cooks dinner for the group, and I have to say that making your girlfriend’s chef boyfriend cook you dinner, in your home, on his weekend off, is rude. Let the boy have one night where he’s not working. Gerard makes a lot of uncomfortable comments about the taste of Gabriel’s coq and eggplant, and Louise lectures Emily that women aren’t supposed to touch the champagne bottle at the dinner table, and you shouldn’t talk business there either. Then Camille’s parents start telling Gabriel that he should accept the money they’ve offered him, and it gets even more awkward than when Gerard was implying he sucked off his daughter’s boyfriend. Emily posts a photo of her and Camille to Instagram, and we learn that her account has grown to 21.7k followers, which is only a 1.6k increase in 3 episodes, so it seems her meteoric rise is beginning to fizzle out.
Mindy texts Emily that they look very “cozy” and then tells her to check out her friend’s livestream because she’s about to surprise the rest of the bachelorette party. We then cut to Mindy in a jazz club with her friends, who announce that they’re there so she can sing again. They reveal that they know that she’s a nanny and don’t care; they just don’t understand why she’s given up on her dream of being a singer. They finally convince her to get on stage. She insists she can’t and tries to give the microphone back to the MC, but when he tells her no, she starts belting immediately.
Emily watches through her phone, and when the livestream ends, she can hear through the wall that Camille and Louise are fighting in French over the loan to Gabriel. To get away from it, she goes outside to sit by the pool. Timothée comes out to join her with a bottle of champagne. They have a heart to heart, and Emily says she left the US because “there were no decisions left to make, not even wrong ones.”
Just when I was thinking this show is actually pretty good, the craziest thing that’s ever occurred in the history of television happened. Emily asks Timothée about the difference between a Champagne flute and a coupe glass, and he tells her the coupe was designed using the shape of Marie Antoinette’s breasts. Emily then takes the coupe glass and puts it up to her own boob. Timothée, without moving any closer or saying even a single word, reaches out and grabs Emily’s other boob. Emily then guides his second hand to her tit that originally had the glassware on it. Seriously. This happened:
There’s then a jump cut to Emily and Timothée having sex, and Timothée is bad at it. I mean, rapid jackhammering and weirdly intense concentration bad. Emily actually tells him to stop and repeats his own advice about drinking champagne back to him, “slow down. You’re supposed to savor it.” I threw up a little in my mouth.
The next morning, Emily wakes up with a hickey and then joins Camille’s family for breakfast. There is a new man there, and Camille introduces him as the brother she wanted Emily to meet. Confused, Emily asks about Timothée, and Camille says Timothée is her younger brother and is 17. Just then, Timothée joins them, kissing Emily and apologizing for her hickey before sitting down. Everyone at the table realizes what happened, and Gabriel has to get up and leave to keep from laughing. Emily repeatedly insists she “didn’t know,” but I’m not sure how well that would hold up in a court of law. (For those curious, as I was, France currently does not have an age of consent but has a bill waiting to be passed that would set it at 15.)
Louise asks Emily to speak privately in her office. Emily immediately begins to apologize profusely, thinking Louise is going to yell at her over the whole accidental-statutory-rape thing, but Louise says she “doesn’t care about all that” and just asks if her son is a good lover. I think Emily’s face says it all:
Emily lies to Louise and says Timothée was sweet and gentle. She then uses the opportunity of having Louise alone to finally talk business since Louise had been dodging her all weekend. Emily comes up with an idea to get rid of their excess inventory, based on an Instagram that Mindy posted of her friends spraying a bottle of champagne over themselves in a club. She pitches the idea of “a bottle to sip, a bottle to spray,” and says their champagne could be “the official ‘spray’ of Paris.” I have to say; this is actually genius. Maybe Emily isn’t completely terrible at marketing after all? Louise is worried about the legacy of her family’s company since it’s a little tacky of a pitch, so Emily proposes they create a second label and name it after Louise’s husband’s nickname, “Champére”. Louise agrees, and the episode ends with Gabriel, Camille, and Emily piling into Camille’s car to head back to Paris and Gabriel mocking Emily for being a cougar.
Still Not the Worst Thing She's Worn - Emily in Paris, Episode 9 Recap
Poster from IMDB
The episode opens with a shot of a bar in Chicago, full of people pouring champagne all over themselves, celebrating the Cubs winning the World Series. It then turns into an advertisement for Champère, and the screen enlarges to show us that Emily is pitching the idea to her coworkers. Now, if you follow baseball, you know that the Cubs last won the World Series in 2016 (and before that, the last time was 1908). This show takes place in 2020 when the Cubs did not make it past the first round of the playoffs. This is all to say that this must have been rough to watch for Chicago Cubs fans and as a bitter Phillies fan, I find that funny.
Anyway, Emily does her pitch. She seems to have ditched the “a bottle to sip, a bottle to spray” tag line in favor of “extravagance accessible.” I prefer the old one. Sylvie thinks the entire concept is tacky, and she’s not necessarily wrong. We also learn in this scene that Sylvie is ignoring Antoine’s calls. While I like that she’s cutting him out of her life, I don’t think she really has a right to be mad at him for picking his wife over his mistress. She knew what the situation was when she entered it.
Emily has a lunch meeting with a woman named Judith from an association called the American Friends of the Louvre. The two talk about hating how the French don’t pronounce the letter “r”, and I have to say that there is something about a woman with a Southern accent saying she misses the “hard r sound” that just doesn’t sit right with me. Judith asks Emily if she can get Pierre Cadault to donate a dress for an auction the American Friends of the Louvre is hosting, and Emily says she will try her best.
Emily calls Mathieu to see if he has time to meet, and he ends up inviting himself to Camille’s art gallery, where Emily was bringing Sylvie and Luc that night so they could talk to Camille about Champère. The four of them meet Gabriel and Camille there, and when Emily is speaking alone with Camille and Gabriel, Camille says she thinks Mathieu is into Emily, but Emily insists that they are meeting just for work. Emily is just so oblivious, and I hate it.
Mathieu and Emily leave the gallery to get dinner, and Emily doesn’t bring up the dress donation (the whole reason for the meeting) until after dinner when they are walking around Paris eating crèpes (I did not know it until I saw it, but this is my dream date). When they say goodbye, Mathieu kisses Emily’s hand in a rather suggestive manner.
Emily internet-stalks Mathieu and all his famous ex-girlfriends at work the next day and is interrupted by Sylvie who also thinks there is something suspicious about Emily’s relationship with Mathieu, not that Sylvie is in any position to judge about mixing business with pleasure. Speaking of which, Antoine sends Sylvie a gift, which she refuses to open. After she leaves, Luc opens it, revealing the gift to be earrings for nipple piercings. Honestly, Sylvie does seem like the type.
Emily shows up to the auction in an absolutely atrocious raincoat-dress, but she is still somehow not the worst dressed there. That tile goes to a pair of designers for a brand called Gray Space, who make “avant-garde sweatsuits,” a phrase that means absolutely nothing. They’re wearing what I guess are “avant-garde sweatsuits” and carrying backpacks that suggest their fashion-muses are Doctors Venkman and Stantz.
While they are all waiting for the auction to start, Judith gets a call that the model for the Pierre Cadault dress is stuck in Dallas due to a flight delay. Absolutely wild move for her not to call until 10 minutes before the event begins when she’s literally on another content and definitely knew she wasn’t going to make it way before then. Judith enlists Mathieu to help, asking him to call one of the countless models he knows from working in the fashion industry. Instead of doing that, he uses the opportunity to hit on Emily, saying she should model the dress.
That she does, being awkward and playfully shy and then becoming super-confident the minute one person bids on the dress. The guys from Gray Space end up winning the auction, and the moment they do, they walk right up to Emily and use their backpack hoses to shoot paint all over the dress. Pierre is obviously horrified.
The next morning, the story is all over the news, and all the vultures men come to feast check in on her. First Mathieu texts to see if she’s alright, seemingly more concerned about getting laid than the PR nightmare she just helped create for the business he runs. Then, Gabriel knocks on her door with a French newspaper, offering to translate the article about her. He tells her she should just skip work that day, which is absolutely horrible advice since she is already on the brink of being fired.
She does go into work, thankfully, where she tries to tell Sylvie this isn’t that bad; it brought Pierre Cadault into the conversation, and the articles are just discussing “the old guard vs. the new.” Sylvie astutely (and obviously) points out that it is not a good thing to be called the old guard and asks what exactly the conversation is about.
After a lame-ass confrontation with the Gray Space guys, she heads to Pierre Cadault’s place, where she finds him lying in bed with a tray of crème brûlée, which is a move I can definitely get behind. He’s actually just smacking the hard tops as stress relief, not eating them, but even that is pretty iconic. Pierre laments that his customer base has gotten older, and he now makes clothes for old ladies, and the younger generations mock him. Emily tries to cheer him up by insisting that Gray Space was not mocking but celebrating him. They chose quite the disrespectful way to celebrate, but okay, Emily. Whatever you say. Emily then presents Pierre with a Gray Space-style sweatshirt with his logo across the front and suggests that the two brands do a collaboration. Pierre hates the idea, as he should, and kicks Emily out of the room.
Emily then meets Mathieu in the entryway, who comforts her with a very familiar handhold. He then says, “do you know what the French did while bombs were falling in World War 2? They made love,” and then kisses her. I’m not really sure why World War 2 is being compared to a ruined dress, and I also feel the need to point out that France wasn’t really bombed during World War 2, as they surrendered to the Nazis quite easily.
The episode ends with a cliffhanger that I think was supposed to leave us in suspense but ultimately just left me confused. I cannot even imagine what’s going to unfold in the season finale.
Valley of the Dolls and Hollywood's Desire to Self-Protect
Poster from imdb.com
Valley of the Dolls (1967) tells the story of three young women working in show business in the 1960s. Originally adapted from Jacqueline Susann’s 1966 book by the same name, the screenplay was written by two women, Helen Deutsch and Dorothy Kingsley. The director for the film, though, was a man, named Mark Robson. The plot centers around three protagonists, Anne Welles, Neely O’Hara, and Jennifer North. Their stories connect and separate several times as they each navigate Hollywood, growing in stardom and fading into oblivion. All three storylines follow two themes, the role of women in the 1960s and the abuse of drugs by these women to deal with the pressures of their culture. The film largely stays true to the novel, but alters some important aspects in order to soften the critique that Susann originally proposed. Valley of the Dolls is an attempted commentary on societal demands on women in the 1960s, but is unsuccessful in its criticism due to continuing to perpetuate several misogynistic standards and Hollywood trying to alleviate itself of guilt.
Valley of the Dolls is one of few movies from its era that centers on multiple female leads without allowing for any male characters to come in and dominate the narrative. The story goes further than to just portray women, and even passes commentary on the harmful expectations put on them by society. There are messages about the workforce, body image, and marriage roles all present. Still, while the film may seem to have a feminist message for most of the plot, it falls short in its final moments. The two women, Neely and Jennifer, who are outwardly ambitious and more sexually promiscuous, are punished for their behavior, while the virginally pure and soft spoken Anne is the one who gets a happy ending, though not in the traditional sense.
The first woman to look at is Neely O’Hara (Patty Duke). Neely, the youngest of the three, is also the most talented and the most ambitious. While her two co-protagonists experience minor stardom, Neely becomes a full-fledged celebrity. As Neely begins her rise to the top, she is forced to work out, despite already being nearly rail thin. During her work-out montage, she even asks her trainer, “you call this acting?” This moment serves to show that for women, being an actor was not strictly about their talent, but also the way they looked. Working out is a part of the job for Neely because if she gains weight, people will no longer want to look at her and thus she won’t be able to be on stage or screen.
The affect of her ambition on her womanhood is also seen through the depiction of her first marriage to her hometown sweetheart, Mel (Martin Milner). When Neely gets her big break, she asks Mel to marry her, flipping the tradition of a man asking a woman. This is the first evidence of the gender role reversal that will be present later. In one scene, after Neely has made it and begun earning more money, the audience sees that Mel is now in charge of keeping house, a job typically meant for the wife at this time. The two get into an argument and Mel, sick of being bossed around by Neely, states, “I am not the butler,” to which Neely retorts, “you’re not the bread winner either.” The two get divorced shortly after. In the beginning of the movie, as Neely is about to be cut out of the broadway show, Mel gives her advice on how to handle the situation in a way that is both best for her career and best for earning money. Mel is more than happy to support Neely’s ambition when she is starting out and he is controlling her success. When Neely grows beyond his grasp, begins to overshadow him, and no longer needs him, the turmoil of their relationship begins. Mel’s male ego cannot handle having a wife who not only is not reliant on him, but who he is reliant on.
In contrast, Jennifer’s fatal flaw is not her ambition but her body. The audience is introduced to Jennifer (Sharon Tate) as she is scantily clad in a leotard with a giant showgirl headpiece on. Her first line is concern that she cannot walk, “I feel a little top heavy,” to which her director replies, “Dear, you are top heavy.” This is met by a chorus of laughter from the men in the room and clear distress from Jennifer’s face. Jennifer’s sin is simply her breasts and her beauty; she is punished for merely existing in her natural form. On the phone with her mother, she states, “I know I don’t have any talent, and I know all I have is my body.” She recognizes that she has no marketable skills, but with the way that society has commodified the female figure, she can use her natural assets to get ahead.
Jennifer’s plot line introduces the character of Miriam (Lee Grant), the sister of Jennifer’s husband, Tony (Tony Scotti). Miriam also manages Tony. This is interesting because all the other women in the film are controlled by men, but Miriam is not only not controlled by a man, but controls one herself. Jennifer, who seems not to have a manager, but operates as an independent, eventually is taken on by Miriam, emphasizing the way that Miriam acts as a male figure, controlling and dominating her world like men normally do. Miriam eventually sells Jennifer into porn. When Jennifer tries to protest, Miriam insists, “Tony wouldn’t know the difference.” Jennifer’s plea of “well, I would,” falls on deaf ears. Miriam views the world like a man, thinking only a husband should be offended by his wife’s immodesty, not recognizing that the woman is also a person with feelings about the exposure of her own body.
Jennifer’s whole life and career is based on her body. When she is diagnosed with breast cancer and must get a mastectomy, she states, “all I ever had was a body. All I know how to do is take off my clothes.” She is realizing that without her breasts, she will have no way of earning a living or supporting herself, as she has done her whole life. This drives her to suicide, deciding she would rather die than lose her body. The message of this scene is clear; despite the fact that society has deemed her figure the only thing that gives her value, her exploitation of it still must be punished by death. Women are supposed to surrender to the forces of the patriarchy, not use them to their own advantage.
The third protagonist, the redeemable protagonist, is Anne Welles (Barbara Parkins). Anne is introduced at the very beginning of the film through her own narration as she tells the listener that her family’s home has been around since the revolution, showing that she represents American tradition. The story of George Washington drinking from their well symbolizes that people like Anne are what give America life. This American idealization is what protects Anne throughout her career. As she enters the office for the first time to the slut shaming of a pregnant cat, the audience immediately knows that this place will not be very friendly to women. This is fortified when her boss tells her she is “too good looking” for her job and talks about getting her “broken in”. This is exemplifying the idea that beautiful women aren’t meant for work while also objectifying them by talking about women like they’re shoes.
Her romantic interest, Lyon (Paul Burke), who is also her boss, calls Anne, “barely pink” when he first meets her, admiring how young she is. He later tells her that jewelry is not for her, and that she should only be gifted flowers, specifically white ones. These are both attempts to preserve Anne’s delicacy, or “pinkness”. Diamonds and gold are too flashy for a soft spoken woman like Anne, and the white flowers clearly symbolize purity. Constantly throughout the entire film, the audience is reminded of Anne being special and unlike other “bad” women such as Neely or Jennifer. At one point Lyon tells Anne that no other girls compare to her because they can’t “stand up to her image”. Not her actual person or personality, but her image. Anne does not have actual personhood in the eyes of Lyon, but exists only as the idealized woman.
This is further exemplified when she becomes the Gillian Girl. The man who hires her says he wants someone known with Gillian exclusively. The idea here is they want her to be only an image of beauty and innocence; if she works with other brands or as an actress she becomes more than one-dimensional and people can discover that she may have flaws. Anne’s ability to maintain her image of perfection and purity throughout the entire film is why she gets to live happily ever after at the end, unlike her two counterparts. She returns to her hometown and lives out the rest of her life as the embodiment of American tradition.
This movie gets its title from the nickname that Neely gives the pills that she and the other two protagonists all become addicted to. The name, “dolls”, calls to mind a picture of girlhood and female adolescence, highlighting how young Neely is (only 17) when the story begins. Many movies of the 1960s, such as Dennis Hopper’s Easy Rider (1969) were depicting taking psychedelic drugs and having crazy trips. Valley of the Dolls shows a different type of drug use, the abuse of painkillers. Though the main characters are movie stars and models, their drug habit was likely more relatable to the suburban movie-going audience than that of Hopper’s characters. It was all too common for housewives to be prescribed “mother’s little helpers” to deal with what was condescendingly written off as “hysteria”. Another difference between these two movies is that psychedelic trips were portrayed as freeing, eye-opening experiences. In contrast, the painkillers are entrapping for the women and ultimately ruin their careers and end their lives.
The character who has the least interaction with the “dolls” is Anne. This is done to keep the idea of Anne as the “pure”, “good” character. The way she begins to take the drugs is interesting, though; she first picks up the bottle when she realizes that her long-term boyfriend, Lyon, is having an affair with her best friend, Neely. This serves two purposes. This first is that it shows that the pills are not used for pleasure, like psychedelics would be, but for numbing purposes. This also displays the corruptive force of Hollywood; it is not until the plot moves from New York to Hollywood that these women turn sour. Because of this city, Neely betrays her best friend and sweet, innocent Anne is driven to drug use.
Jennifer is seen taking the pills two times, twice as often as Anne is. The first time she takes them is when she learns about Tony’s illness. Again, they are used to numb emotional pain. The second time Jennifer is shown taking the pills is when she purposely overdoses on them to kill herself. This is the most extreme version of numbing difficult emotions a person can take, and the most obvious way that the movie could show that these drugs do not provide enjoyment but rather stop misery. What the “dolls” provide is nothingness, and Jennifer takes this nothingness to its maximum.
Neely is the character whose story is most entangled with drug use. She begins when her trainer gives her diet pills to slim her already thin figure. During this montage, the audience clearly sees Mel, the symbol of her pre-fame life, shake his head and tell her no, but she responds with a shrug, as if to say, “what’s the worst that could happen?” Shortly after, she tells Anne that she takes sleeping pills that are so strong, she has to take red pills to counteract them to wake up in the mornings, but then must take the sleeping pills again at night because the red ones have not yet worn off. Taking the pills is an endless cycle for Neely that will lead her to spiral to rock bottom.
In a following scene, Neely is seen being an absolute mess on the set of a movie, causing them to call for her husband to take her home because she cannot work under such strong influence of drugs and alcohol. When Anne and Lyon go to check on her, Anne lectures her about the danger of drinking while taking the pills, but Neely asserts that she must do so because it makes them work faster. This moment shows the desperation Neely has to stop feeling. Later on, after getting drunk in a dive-bar, having sex with some random nobody, and being robbed the morning after, Neely overdoses and nearly dies. Anne implies that this may have been intentional, despite Neely insisting otherwise. The audience is left to wonder.
During the third act of the movie, after Neely has gone to rehab and gotten clean, her older rival, Helen Lawson (Susan Hayward), brags about how she never needed pills like Neely did. Lawson claims her current sobriety is only temporary and Neely will eventually return to her old bad habits. The character summarizes Neely’s entire story with one line, “nothing can destroy her talent, but she’ll destroy herself.” Lawson’s words come true; Neely’s final scene sees her relapsing on opening night of the show she’s supposed to star in and being replaced by her younger understudy, the very thing she was afraid of. Her story closes on her drunk in an alley, screaming her own name.
To properly analyze this film, one must compare it to its source material, Jacqueline Susann’s novel by the same name. Though the movie stays true to the novel in most major plot points, there are distinct narrative changes and omissions that drastically alter the story. One of the most distinct examples of this is that Lyon refuses to marry Anne until the final scene of the film. In the novel, he marries her when they first reunite in Los Angeles. When he begins his affair with Neely, Anne is pregnant with their first child, which gives Anne a stronger motive to turn to the pills than she has in the movie. The book version of the two women are also much closer friends, which creates a more dramatic change in Neely’s character than in the film. Removing these two extremes makes Neely’s character arc less impactful.
Another aspect that was removed is Tony’s obsession with sex. An important part of Jennifer’s characterization is that she has always been made to feel that her body is her only source of value. This is added to, in the novel, by the fact that sex is the foundation for her relationship with her husband. This is only alluded to in the film with one line when they are walking in the park. In the novel, it is emphasized explicitly at multiple points. One of the reasons Jennifer chooses to kill herself rather than lose her breasts is because she believes she will lose even her husband’s love. The film likely made this change, as well as the marital change, to make the characters of Tony and Neely more sympathetic. While this goal is accomplished, it also softens the harsh realities that Susann was trying to expose in her novel.
One final difference between the film and novel is the ending. In the film, Lyon finally proposes to Anne and she rejects him, getting to move on with her life and live peacefully. She gets a happy ending. The novel ends with Anne and Lyon still married, her discovering that he is having yet another affair with a client, and her returning to the pills. This final note makes it clear that there are no happy endings for women in this city. The change is another example of Hollywood trying to show itself in a more flattering light than the one Susann placed on it.
Valley of the Dolls, the novel, was written by a female author as a way to condemn the mistreatment of women in the 1960s, specifically the mistreatment perpetuated by Hollywood on women in show business. The film adaptation tries to duplicate this commentary, but fails for multiple reasons. The first is that it chooses to save the “good girl” character. In the written work, all three stories ending in tragedy shows how no woman is safe from the effects of the patriarchy. Opting to protect the “pure” character alters the message completely so that it is no longer a criticism but a continuation of the idea that ambitious, promiscuous women deserve punishment and good, virginal women deserve happy endings. In addition, it omits important plot points that provide motivation for the characters self-destructive actions, such as Anne taking the pills for the first time and Jennifer committing suicide. By removing the catalysts, the characters are turned into cliché hysterical women. The film fails to adapt Susann’s novel correctly because it replicates the sensational bits while omitting the message. Unlike the book, the film serves only to entertain and not to critique.
I Am In This Episode and I Don't Like It - Emily in Paris, Season 1, Episode 6 Recap (Spoilers!!)
All photos from IMDB
Birds having sex. That is how this episode opens. Shots of birds fucking. We then cut away from this to Emily lying in bed, unable to sleep because Gabriel and Camille are having extremely loud sex. I have heard neighbors through walls and the people above me’s bed banging on the floor, but never have I heard the people who live below me (like Gabriel and Camille do to Emily) having sex. They must be really loud. Also, based on this scene, Emily sleeps with full makeup (including lipstick) and her hair perfectly curled. I honestly think the production team wanted this show to be mocked.
The next morning, Emily is again eating at a café with Mindy, who is whining about how her dad wants to buy her a BMW and a mansion. Her life is honestly so hard. She then reveals to Emily that she was on a singing competition show in China, where she failed miserably and became a meme. Not to repeat myself, but I think the show’s goal is to be mocked.
Emily gets to work, and we learn that, because they are meeting with an important couture designer that day, she was told specifically to wear all black. At least the show is self-aware with how terrible her outfit choices are. They arrive at Pierre Cadault’s studio, and it is clear that his aesthetic is definitely not all black - more beiges and pastels, just like the rest of Paris. I think the writers were thinking of New York when they chose all black; someone should tell them fashion isn’t the same everywhere. Cadault comes to meet them, sees Emily’s tacky Eiffel Tower bag charm, and calls her “ringarde” or “basic,” and then storms out of the meeting. A bit dramatic, if I’m being honest, but also, the bag charm was pretty basic:
That night, Emily is minding her own business eating dinner alone when some (not even cute) man begins talking to her about whether a couple at another table is mother-and-son or dating. After a cut to show that time has passed, Emily finishes the story of her meeting with Cadault. The man, named Tomas, says that it is "ringarde” to call someone “ringarde” and then says he doesn’t think she’s basic - he clearly does not know her very well. He then starts a pretentious speech about known sexist pig, Pablo Picasso, and a bunch of other buzz-word names. Tomas is a know-it-all asshole and reminds me of every guy I have ever dated. Emily is impressed, nonetheless, and sleeps with him. Do better, Emily. Also, while I love Lily Collins, she is not great at acting in sex scenes; it was unbearably awkward. By the way, even Emily’s bras have pictures of Paris on them:
The next morning, she runs into Camille, who tells her that she can hear Emily just as well as Emily can hear her and Gabriel. The fact that they all hear each other, but not any of the other neighbors, is pretty solid evidence for my no-one-else-lives-there theory.
At work, Emily brags to Julien about how Tomas quoted poetry to her, and Julien rightfully says that’s boring. As an English major who has had to deal with many men interested in poetry, it’s only hot in theory. In practice, it’s boring and annoying, and they always expect you to be so impressed that they can quote the same Shakespeare sonnet that everyone had to memorize in High School Brit Lit. Emily then learns that Sylvie is holding a meeting without her and not speaking to her because she lost them the account with Cadault, one of Sylvie’s favorite designers. Apparently, Emily is not the only person at this office with no sense of professionalism.
Emily meets Mindy at their bench in the park, and they are again talking about Mindy’s singing career. I cannot express how little I care about this plotline. Mindy says she has too much PTSD from her failure on “Chinese Popstar” to audition for a local jazz club, but when Emily asks her to sing for her right there, Mindy is belting in the middle of the park with very little convincing. (Here is the moment where I take a break from my criticizing everything to say I absolutely love Ashley Park’s voice. Please go listen to “What’s Wrong With Me?” from the Mean Girls Musical soundtrack.)
That night, Emily and Tomas run into Gabriel and Camille outside their building, because of course they do. (It was at this moment that I realized the actor who plays Gabriel, Lucas Bravo, could very easily fill the Armie-Hammer-sized hole we currently have in society.) Being her always-friendly, always-oblivious self, Camille forces Emily and Tomas to go on a double date with her and Gabriel. Gabriel sees right through Tomas’s bullshit, which is probably easy to do since Tomas is blatantly rude to Gabriel because Tomas is the type to only be polite to people he wants to fuck. Back at her apartment, remembering her conversation with Camille that morning, Emily tells Tomas that they need to be quieter when they have sex. They are (somehow) even louder than before.
Because the whole premise of this show seems to be that Emily lucks herself into things, while walking to work the next day, she notices in the corner of a sign for a ballet that Pierre Cadault designed the costumes and that opening night is that night. After Sylvie refuses to go with her (and rips up the original tickets), she invites Tomas to join her.
As she’s leaving for the ballet (in an absolutely ridiculous outfit), she runs into Gabriel again. Are you guys as tired of reading that phrase as I am of writing it? We may have to turn it into a drinking game. Gabriel tells Emily the truth about what he thinks of Tomas, calling him “an asshole masquerading as an intellectual.” I loved that line. He also tells her that she is “wasting her time with a guy who doesn’t deserve her,” and um, what exactly is so great about Emily?
When Emily arrives at the ballet and meets up with Tomas, he asks her if he is playing a joke on him by bringing him to see “Swan Lake”, which, according to him, is “for tourists”. “Swan Lake” is actually my favorite ballet, so fuck him. Emily then has a moment of clarity and finally realizes what her horniness had kept her from seeing the last three days; Tomas is a pretentious douche. (Emily actually said “snob” but I feel “pretentious douche” is more precise). Tomas responds by calling Emily “simpleminded”. When he realizes she’s offended by this, for some reason, he tries to better the situation by calling her “simple but beautiful”. I believe the sound I made at this point would be called a “guffaw”. When she still isn’t happy, he tells her to go to the ballet, and he’ll meet her afterward and “treat her to some amazing sex.” She flips him off and walks away, which is actually a lot more polite than how I would’ve responded in that situation.
She then finds Cadault and explains to him that she always wanted to be Serena van der Woodsen and would buy bag charms because it was the only thing she could afford from the designers that she worshipped. Cadault turns out to be a Gossip Girl fan, which is revealed by having him spoil Gossip Girl. Seriously, he just straight-up SAYS who Gossip Girl is. I know it’s been 8 years, but there should’ve been a spoiler warning or something. I already knew, but what if I hadn’t? It was rude. Anyway, the next day Sylvie gets a call from Cadault that he wants a meeting with her and tells her to “bring Gossip Girl”. Everything always works out for Emily in the end.
That Could’ve Been an E-mail, The Bachelor, Season 25, Women Tell All Recap
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Seriously, that was exhausting. While we left off with three girls waiting to go to fantasy suites, we have to wait another week until we see what happens next because this week was dedicated to the Women Tell All. Honestly, so much happened that it would be impossible to cover every detail, but I’m going to try my best to hit the main points.
To begin, Chris Harrison introduces all the girls, and, of course, Victoria is wearing a crown. Already, I was sighing from exasperation. We hit the ground running with the drama, starting with Jessenia vs. MJ. MJ claims that when she got called out during the two-on-one, she owned her mistake and apologized for being a part of the bullying. She seems to have forgotten that we all watched the two-on-one go down on national TV and know that this is blatantly false. Mari, who I don’t think got more than 10 seconds of screen time before she was sent home, inserts herself into the drama. She did this multiple times throughout the night, and I feel confident saying she successfully secured her ticket to Paradise.
We then move on to Victoria vs. Ryan, and Victoria has the gall to ask Ryan if she may just be sensitive, citing all the mean things that have been said about herself online (guilty as charged) and how she just lets it roll off her back. She does mention specific things multiple times, though, indicating that she’s not as above it as she likes to claim. My girl, Kit, then comes to Ryan’s defense, saying it’s okay to be sensitive when mean things are being said about you.
The conversation pivots to Katie vs. Victoria. Victoria says that name-calling is unacceptable (remember, she was the one calling people names), “life is a “learning experience” (a favorite phrase of hers this episode), and that “we’re all facing backlash” (actually, Vicky, the girls who weren’t horrible are probably not). Katie points out that the backlash is karma for how they behaved, which Chelsea takes issue with because it was a little strong. Katie concedes this point and says that death threats and body shaming are (obviously) unacceptable. Chelsea should’ve quit while she was ahead, though, because she goes on to imply that everything was peachy-keen until Katie went and talked to Matt, and she was the one who made the house toxic. If the house chemistry was so great, Chelsea, then what did Katie have to talk to Matt about?
In an effort to diffuse the drama (or throw gasoline on the fire?) Chris Harrison sends us to commercial break, and we return to Brittany in the hot seat. Her conversation with Chris was honestly heartbreaking. She talked about how she’s usually bubbly and confident but felt wholly destroyed within 24 hours of entering the house. When she got home, she closed herself off and found it difficult to reach out to friends and family. She also mentioned that if you google her name now, the first 20 results are about her potentially being an escort and says she will be defending her name for the rest of her life.
Brittany also says that Anna never reached out to her, and Anna then takes the opportunity to apologize, now that the cameras and the eyes of America are on her. Mari asks Anna her motive for starting the rumor. She says she spoke out of a place of anger and insecurity (duh) but that she had no motive. How Anna thought this was a solid defense is beyond me. Victoria, who has no right to participate in this conversation considering she helped spread the rumor, asks Anna who her sources were as if that fucking matters. Apparently, it was Brittany’s ex-boyfriends. Obviously trustworthy sources of information, because absolutely no one has made up nasty shit about an ex.
To cut the tension, the producers drop in some funny moments from three unseen dates with activities that included pulling rings out of giant boxes filled with bugs, eating a pile of pancakes and chugging beer, playing hide-and-seek, and climbing in a giant hot-tub in the middle of the woods. These dates looked way more entertaining than listening to Victoria say “literally” and “slore” over and over again, so why they were cut is beyond me.
The next one up is Katie. They begin with her iconic entrance, and Chris refers to her dildo as a “magic wand,” which was a choice. They then move onto her relationship with Matt, and Katie discusses how she always felt that her personality was a lot, and being with Matt was the first time she didn’t feel she had to water it down for a guy. I related to this a bit too much. Chris then asks Katie what she thinks went wrong. She says she wasn’t paying attention to the other relationships, which is how she was so blindsided but watching it back, she realizes that their timing was off and other relationships were just developing faster.
Abigail is the next on the hot seat, and she discusses all the messages she’s gotten from the deaf community after going on the show. It was beautiful and made me cry. Chris asks her about being so open with Matt about her hearing ability, and she says that she felt honesty was important because she didn’t want to go through the process holding onto her insecurities.
Peiper, the last girl sent home before hometowns, follows Abigail. Peiper admits that though she never said it outright to Matt, she was “100%” in love with him. She also talked about Matt’s “amazing ability to make everybody feel really special.” She felt that her relationship had the same issue as Katie; she wasn’t paying attention to where everyone else was, and thus got caught off guard.
Serena P., who just last week sent herself home, was the last girl in the hot seat. She tells Chris that she felt confident going into hometowns and was just looking for her family’s reassurances, which is definitely not what she got. Talking to her mom brought her clarity, just the wrong kind; it made her realize she had been ignoring her gut feelings.
Chris then asks her if she thinks she made the right decision, and she considers it for a minute. Finally, she says she didn’t want to hurt him, but she would’ve been doing him a disservice by staying; she couldn’t give him 100%, and she knew the other girls could. She concludes by saying that she only wishes the best for him and hopes he is happy.
Finally, Matt shows up, with quite the change in appearance. He is asked about watching the drama on TV and says he never went through it from their side, so who’s to say how he would’ve acted. (I’m willing to bet he wouldn’t have called any of the other men prostitutes, but I guess he knows himself better than I do.) He also says it’s clear that some of the girls had lapses in judgment, but there comes a point in time when you have to be held accountable for your actions. Victoria then talks to him, and, for some reason, she’s crying now. She says that she didn’t appreciate how he ridiculed her after she was sent home. If you’re confused over what she’s talking about, she’s referring to how Matt says he “hopes she self-reflects” after she yelled at him and trashed all the other women. How dare he!
Some of the other girls asked him questions about their own relationships, and none of it was interesting. Then there was a five-minute reel of bloopers that were mostly “you had to be there” moments. The episode concluded with a preview of next week and me taking a huge swig of wine because that was two hours of my life that I will never get back.
Mass Exodus - The Bachelor, Season 25, Week 4 Recap
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The first two minutes of this episode were the same as the last two minutes of the previous episode, with Heather interrupting Matt and Pieper. When Pieper informs the other girls of what is going on, mass-hysteria begins over the prospect that Matt will ditch them for this new girl he doesn’t know. It is honestly concerning how insecure these girls are in their relationships with Matt when they are preparing to get engaged to him in three weeks. Pieper freaks out more than the others, which is especially bizarre considering the fact that she already has a rose from her one-on-one.
Heather explains herself to Matt, saying that (allegedly) Hannah Brown sent her because she thought they would be a perfect match. I am skeptical of this story, however, because it makes no sense that Hannah wouldn’t have introduced them before Matt even applied for the show. I prefer the (much more plausible) theory that this whole thing was set-up by producers.
Matt tells Heather that he needs a moment to think, and she goes to speak with the other girls, who immediately attack her because of course they do. Chelsea, Serena C., and Jessenia give her the third degree about what she’s doing there, and the irony of Jessenia bullying a new girl (the very thing she condemned MJ for doing) was not lost on me. Ultimately, Matt sends Heather home because obviously that was what was going to happen. But at least Heather secured her spot in Paradise.
At the rose ceremony, Matt sends home Chelsea and (thankfully) Serena C. This leaves only eight girls; Kit, Michelle, Bri, Serena P., Pieper, Jessenia, Rachael, and Abigail. Of those remaining, only Jessenia and Abigail have not had one-on-ones.
Despite this fact, the first one-on-one goes to Serena P., who gets to join Matt for a class on tantric yoga. Serena P is exceptionally uncomfortable the whole time (which, like, valid) and expresses that she’s not even into standard PDA, which I very much agree with. Matt, who has likely never not had a girl falling all over him, begins to think he is being friend-zoned by someone who gave up ten weeks of their life and came on a reality show to compete against 30 other people for the chance to date him. At night, the two discuss the potential of Matt meeting her family next week for hometowns but don’t seem to actually fortify their relationship in any meaningful way. Matt still gives her the rose, though.
There seemed to be no day-portion for the group date, as only a cocktail party is shown. In their private discussion, Bri tells Matt how she quit what she referred to as her “dream job” to be on this show. Quitting your job for a man is bad; quitting your dream job for a man you’ve never met is terrible. And if I were Matt, that would be a red flag for me.
Abigail, whose presence on the group date means she will not be getting a one-on-one before hometowns, confronts Matt and asks him if he sees a future with her. He admits that because they had such an instant connection on night one, he got overly comfortable in their relationship and pursued others to the point where they progressed past his relationship with her. Unfortunately, he walks her out and sends her home.
Kit then takes Matt aside and has the exact opposite conversation to Bri’s. She tells him that she has 5-year-plan and wants to focus on her career and traveling before settling down and starting a family. I think it’s fair to say that absolutely no one thought the 21-year-old was ready to have kids. She leaves the conversation feeling confident that she will be getting the date rose.
For some reason, he gives the rose to Racist, I mean Rachael, despite them having spoken about nothing of importance during their one-on-one time. Matt and Rachael then leave the others and attend a private concert of Aloe Blacc, which was shocking because usually, only nobodies perform on this show.
Later that night, Kit goes to Matt’s place and breaks-up with him. She says that hometowns are not for figuring out the relationship, and he deserves someone sure of what they want. Based on their relationship on the show and the way he spoke about her on the “Chicks in the Office” podcast, I genuinely think that she may have won if she had not sent herself home.
The final one-on-one is with Jessenia, and the activity is “stunt driving.” While the set people did a lot of work to make this date look cool, at its core, it was doing donuts in a parking lot in a Dodge Charger, like they were 16-year-olds from a fly-over state in 2005. At night, Jessenia tells Matt that she is falling in love with him, and he replies with the worst response of all time, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” Needless to say, she does not get the rose and is sent home.
The episode finishes with another rose ceremony with only five girls left. Pieper is the only girl sent home, meaning next week we will be meeting the families of Bri, Serena P., Michelle, and Rachael.
She Doesn’t Even Go Here - The Bachelor, Season 25, Week 6 Recap
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Last week’s episode ended with MJ and Jessenia going on a pre-rose ceremony quickie 2-on-1. As they wait for Matt to arrive, they begin to go at each other’s throats, and he inevitably ends up walking in on their bickering.
Matt speaks with Jessenia first. During her conversation with Matt, she says that MJ is the one who began the drama, which is objectively not true. While MJ was a bully, the actual bullying was definitely started by Victoria and Anna. Jessenia was right to call out MJ, but there was something sketchy about her in this moment. Her whole speech seemed very rehearsed, and her tone was calculated. I don’t know why, but she just comes off as fake to me.
MJ, meanwhile, is crying and calling Jessenia a “little bitch”, which isn’t great for her “not a bully” argument. She then collects herself, fluffs her hair, and declares that she had a “weak bitch moment” and “forgot who [she is] for a second”.
Matt then talks to MJ and says that the person Jessenia described did not match his experience with her. It seems that Matt actually had a connection with MJ, which was shocking since I don’t remember them ever speaking before. I really think the drama this season has overshadowed the actual romance, which is expected to some extent but also annoying when it gets to this point because The Bachelor is a dating show at its core.
MJ gets sent home, and even on her way out, she refuses to take ownership of her actions, instead claiming that Jessenia “sabotaged” her. Jessenia gets the 2-on-1 date rose, but it isn’t shown. I think this may be the first off-screen rose in the history of the franchise. Sketchy.
Shortly after the rest of the girls arrive, Chris Harrison joins them and tells them the cocktail party has been canceled, and they’ll go directly to the rose ceremony. The last mean girl standing, Serena C (pictured below), then declares that the toxicity in the house never should’ve been brought to Matt’s attention and blames Katie for the lack of time she’s spent with him. As Katie correctly points out, Matt canceled the rose ceremony because he knew who he wanted to keep. If he sent Serena C. home, it was because he didn’t have a connection with her, not because of anything anyone else said or did.
Image from abc.com
Unfortunately, he does not send Serena C home. Instead, he says goodbye to sweet Magi, who we better see in Paradise, as well as “new girls” Brittany and Ryan, leaving Michelle as the only remaining member of the second batch of ladies.
The next day, Serena C. decides she needs to “confront” Katie. What her actual argument against Katie was, I could not determine. She seems to think that bullying, harassment, and slut-shaming should be allowed to continue if stopping it could affect her chances with a guy. Serena C. contains so much internalized misogyny that it actually makes me miss the #girlboss feminism that this show usually espouses.
After all the yelling (there was a lot of yelling), Serena C. goes downstairs to talk shit and says of Katie, “she came in hot with her sex positivity,” like being comfortable in your sexuality is somehow a bad or shameful thing. This actually makes a lot of sense; Serena C. doesn’t know how to properly masturbate and possibly has never cum. Maybe an orgasm would make her a little more pleasant to be around.
Image from abc.com
The first date is a one-on-one with Pieper. She and Matt go to a private carnival in the woods at night that looked absolutely magical.
Photo from Twitter
She opens up to him about having a different love language from her parents, who express themselves through actions instead of words. She explains that this has made it hard for her to open up. Matt says he used to struggle with the same thing, and she gets the rose.
Photo from Instagram
For the group date, Matt takes the girls bowling. Why you would want to touch communal, uncleanable objects and then eat finger food in the middle of a panoramic is beyond me, but to each their own, I guess. The group is split into two teams, and only the winners will get to go on to the night portion. The girls who lose are understandably upset, specifically Abigail, who has grown frustrated with the process as she feels she and Matt are growing apart rather than closer. Kit has yet another funny one-liner, asking Matt, “what do you want in a wife? A bowler?”
Shortly after the losing team gets home, they are invited back to the date since Matt doesn’t want stupid games affecting his time with anyone. This is a great PR move for Matt with the girls. Also, it suggests to me that there was someone on the losing side who he really wanted to get to talk to…
Michelle, who was on the winning side, gets the rose, but I don’t know why because I don’t pay enough attention to the parts with no drama.
Katie finally gets a one-on-one, and the “activity” is pranking Matt’s best friend and bachelor nation heartthrob, Tyler C., while he gets a massage. The two sit in a hidden room and whisper directions into the masseuse’s earpiece like Impractical Jokers, if it was actually mildly entertaining and the hosts were attractive. During the night portion, Katie gets friend-zoned, and we sadly have to say goodbye to one of the only good people on this season.
Photo from Twitter
Oh! I just realized I forgot to mention this entire episode has been littered with 30-second snippets of Heather Martin quarantining to get a chance to meet Matt. If you’re unfamiliar, Heather was on Colton’s season of The Bachelor, and her storyline was that at 23-years-old, she had never had her first kiss. Colton did eventually kiss her, and according to other contestants of that season, he was not very good at it. But doesn’t everyone’s first time suck, really? So it was fitting.
Anyway, as the cocktail party is beginning, Heather pulls up (in a minivan for some reason), walks right past all the girls, and goes directly to interrupt Matt and Pieper. As soon as Matt sees her, he burst out in laughter. Now I do not judge him for this, as I am also a nervous laugher, but this still cannot be a good sign for Heather. All the girls are angry, but Pieper specifically can best be described as “big mad”. Cue the cliffhanger.
“I have a deeply hidden and inarticulate desire for something beyond the daily life.”
— Virginia Woolf