R e s e r v e d

Charlotte "Charlie" Lennox. 17. Junior. "Lone Wolf"

[landon-charming]

I’m getting a shocking sense of dejavu, and I honestly have no idea what to say right now. Mhm, of course you wouldn’t. I forgot sweet little Char does no wrong. What makes you so sure I won’t go against your wishes? You sure do love to talk about my body, something you’d like to share? Coming from the girl who will most likely dress me up in some tiny cloth and call me ‘Tarzan’. But I bet you would make an exquisite maid. Put on one of those short black and white dresses, try out some of your French, remind me how dirty I am. I can already tell this Halloween will be the best one yet. Alright, we can make this a game if you’d like. I always loved the feel of you shivering when I touched you, the way you’d bite down on my lower lip whenever I’d reach your collarbone. Oh, and let’s not forget my reactions to you, you little minx. You always knew just how to nip at my neck. It got me hot and bothered every damn time, and you knew it.

My conscience is both a blessing and a curse, because it truly does prevent me from solving all of my problems with my fists. I do not! I’m quite confident in myself, there’s nothing to criticize. And even if I know I’m wrong, I’m not about to say it. Oh, that’s just sick, Charlotte Rose. You shouldn’t have any problem resisting me—human or not. Vous me conduisez fou, ma chérie. Il est difficile d’arrêter autour de vous. I don’t know, is it?

[byecharlotte]

And as I've already said, I may just like you most when you're at a lose for words. It's cute. Of course not, I wouldn't even dream of it. Obviously I can't be sure, you have a habit of doing things simply because I'd prefer if you didn't. Just uh, keep in mind what you can get out of a night spent with me, in a costume of your choice, and decide if that's worth giving up. Nothing I'd give you the satisfaction of hearing aloud. Nice try, though. I respect you a little more than that! If I'm going to see you that bare I'd rather it be because it was your choice, not mine. Oh, you think so? It's been a while and it would be my pleasure to send you that reminder. Personally I think I'd like to take you up on the cop thing. But not for me, oh no. You, as Officer Bell. You know, in that case I don't think I'd mind being patted down so much. Yes, I did. I knew by the look in your eye and the bite of your lip exactly what I was doing. Don't pretend I'm the only one who teased. I lost count of how many times you'd whisper something not-so-innocent in my ear when we were in public, because you knew I couldn't do a damn thing. Or how about all those "accidental" touches in school, you wanna talk about those?

It's kept you out of a hell of a lot of trouble, so I'm grateful for it even if you aren't. Alright, whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better. You don't have to say so, I can tell without. I'm just saying! I thought we discussed this before-- you, Landon Alexander Bell, do not make these things easy on me. Franchement, si vous ne vous arrêtez pas, je peux juste tomber en amour. Et nous ne voulons pas, non? Landon, please. Find it in your heart to cut me some slack for once in your life.

[landon-charming]

Yes. I’m sorry, Charlotte, but I just don’t think I can believe that. Y-you don’t know what I’m talking about, okay? I’m not luminescent or whatever other silly adjective you’d like to use. I’m… I don’t even know. Thank you for being here though, for always being here. Try me. Mm, is it now? Maybe it’s you who’s the tease here, Char darling. It’s cute that you think you can dictate what I where when you won’t let me tell you not to wear some tight little costume out and about. Only if I can pick yours out. Or your lack of. God, don’t say that! It makes me want to cringe, it sounds so dirty. But, uh, your amount of faith is rather flattering and wow I’m blushing so let’s just drop this now. Psh, I can definitely beat up anyone standing in your way. What’s stopping me, really? I wish that wasn’t true. I hate the thought that I could get to you so easily, but I love it all at the same time, you know? I must be pretty damn twisted because no matter how much I don’t want to hurt you, I still sort of relish in the fact that I still hold some kind of effect over you. God, I’m sick. Awh, Char, I’ll hold your hair back for you… while I make this gesture again. Yeah, I guess you could call it that. I mean, as long as you don’t fall victim to my hippo charm, we’re in the clear. Sure, Princess. La lune ne se compare pas à votre beauté. Oh, goodie. 

[byecharlotte]

I hate to hear that--but I'm not surprised. One day you will, though. I don't? Please. You will never see the full effect you had--have over me and you're right, no silly adjective will ever compare. But I will try my best to make you see exactly what you mean to me from this moment on. Me? Tease you? Why I would never!I don't think sweetheart, I know. There will be no going out and about on Halloween as long as you're around, and if we're stuck together you can't go out as and show off the body the good lord has blessed you with either; it's a win-win. Alright, sounds like a fair game. I demand some form of modesty though, Bell. I mean it. Don't say what? You don't want me to say how much I enjoyed and truthfully miss your fingertips across my skin? Didn't matter where either--my arm, back, thigh--I got chills every time.

Me, for one. Your conscious, hopefully. The gesture, though--it means a lot. You're not twisted or sick, stop downing yourself. It is what it is, I'd rather you be happy about it than freaked out. You know what gets me? You say you've got a big ego and that it needs to be knocked down, but you and I both know that you're your own worst critic. And you love to criticize yourself, way too much. Yup, here it comes. Thanks for being so considerate, Landon. Oh but are we sure that's possible? I'm a sucker for folds of fat, you know. Votre langue est un gouvernail Monsieur Bell, il faut se méfier de la direction vous vous dirigez. Is that sarcasm I sense?

[landon-charming]

Have you ever been so absolutely terrified of losing something that you would do anything to keep it safe from harm, safe from any injustice? It’s not that I wasn’t upfront with you, because I was. I opened my heart to you completely, Charlotte, I just… I don’t want you to know me as the bad guy. You thought seeing me punch through a wall was bad? You don’t even know the first of it, so please don’t act like you do. Yeah, because you could totally beat me up. See, taunting the entire male doesn’t sound like such a good idea now, does it? Awh, that’s real cute, Char. There will still be costumes though, right? Please, you have no idea if I’ll be good in bed or not. I could… I don’t know, but it could be bad, alright? But even if you were some crazy dominatrix, I wouldn’t think of you any different either. That’s honestly all I can hope for at this point, you know? And I know I don’t know the details, but uh, I hope the next time you do decide to do that again that it’ll be worth remembering rather than regretting. If you don’t love the next guy you sleep with, let me know and I’ll beat him up, okay? Why do you let me have such an impact on you? Why not just listen to whatever I say and tell me to go fuck myself like anyone else would? So, you mean I shouldn’t do this again? Well, it would only be bestiality if we had a romantic relationship, so I don’t think you’d have anything to worry about. Or I could speak it. Vous êtes mon soleil. What, that I think you’re sexy? Or that I won’t belittle you?

[byecharlotte]

Is that what you were afraid of? Me seeing you differently? Landon, believe me when I say this; there is nothing in this world you could ever do to make me see you as the bad gay. Even on your darkest day you'll still be the brightest light that has ever come into my life. I-I'm not trying to act like I know everything about you, of course there are parts you've kept away from the world, including myself. But I...I just want you to know that no matter what, I'm still here. I could! Keep pushing your luck and you'll find out. Just not what I'm interested in, that's all. The only one who's fun to taunt and tease is you. Whats cute? I'm serious Bell! Depends, do I get to pick yours out? And coincidentally, I don't care. It's the person who makes it special more than anything else, and quite frankly I have a fair idea of what those hands can do...so I have some faith in you. Well I can assure you that I'm not, but I'm glad you say so.  I do too Landon...I do too. You are such a sweetheart, you know that? But you can't just beat up anyone who ever stands in my way; though I know you'll try. I don't have a choice in the matter! If I could, I would tell you to stick it up yours, but I-I can't. The things that come from you are one of the few that get under my skin and really matter to me , whether I want them to or not. I'm going to be sick. And as just friends, we're in a safe zone? Does that make me Snow White, able to talk to animals? Vous êtes l'étoile pour me guider la maison. The belittling part,  but I'm flattered over the sexy thing too. 

[landon-charming]

Exactly. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m suggesting. You think you’ve seen the worst of me, but you haven’t. You’ve seen what I wanted you to see, and that’s nowhere near what I can get to. I think by now we’ve both established the fact you aren’t shy. Oh, so you’re backing down from the fight then? Tsk, tsk, okay, but I’ll remember this moment. Anything? Even me telling you how riled up I actually am? Charlotte Rose Lennox, I’m not kidding. If I would want to rip your clothes off the minute I saw you dressed like that, I can only imagine what other teenage boys would do. I know how to look without touching, but they’re all a bit more hormonal than I am. But if you want to play that game, then fine. Next Halloween I’ll go as Adam, and that means I’ll only be wearing a leaf or two. Thank god. I’m all for kinks, but fish are where I draw the line. I can never quit, Char, that would make things easy on you. You don’t know that though! I could have been lousy in bed, or we could have had a huge fight and split up after that. There are endless possibilities of things that could make you regret something like that with anyone. Apparently I don’t though, because every time I try you get angry. So, if I’m allowed to concern myself with you lack of a virginity, I’m going to also say I’m allowed to ask to stop talking about it.. which I am. It’s not wrong, you just aren’t listening to me! I. Don’t. Regret. It. Any of it. Can you say that again while I make the gesture? Well if this is what being a human feels like, I’d like to request a change in species. A hippo will do as replacement. Talk French to me, baby. I regret ever saying those things with you around, Char, and I want you to know I would never speak of you like that. I was being an asshole, okay? You aren’t any of the words I used to describe her, I promise. I mean, sexy, yeah, but none of those other piggish slurs. 

[byecharlotte]

But I want to. I want to see everything, good and bad. Why would you hide anything from me? I let you in whole-heartedly back then Landon, how come you didn't do the same? Well, don't get used to it. I'm just feeling generous today. Yes, anything. Oh shut up, you are not, you're perfectly fine. O--oh, uhm. I-I would never actually go out like that. I'm not...i'm not asking for anything, especially not like that. Do you think I would be? Because I-I wouldn't, I swear. I never have. Like hell you will! No, no I'm not allowing it. I think next Halloween we'll have a lovely time together just you and me, that sounds a hell of a lot safer. Well that's a hell of a good place to draw the line, I think. Oh and that would just be such a horrible thing, wouldn't it? For me to have it easy for once? Okay, you're delusional if you think that you being bad in bed, which is highly unlikely by the way, would have had any effect of the way i felt about you. Yeah, maybe we would have gotten in a fight, but at least I could say my first time was with someone I lo--really cared about. I'd never regret it with you. I never I'd like it. But when you say something to me, it hits me ten times harder than if it had come from someone elses mouth. Alright...alright. I need a bucket, I'm going to throw up if I see that one more time. Or you could not? I draw the line at bestiality, so stay human please. Or I could not, "baby".  It's okay Landon. You are a hormonal teenage boy, I can only expect so much.  That's a joke, by the way. I--thank you. Just...thanks. That means a hell of a lot more to me than you know.

[quotethat]

Maybe there’s a universe out there — happening now — where we end up together. Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. If you think of it all this way, then it’s like neither of us did anything wrong. You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.

Gaby Dunn (via quotethat)

[landon-charming]

I-I… god damnit, I want to argue with you. But yeah, I’ll come to you. Or, I’ll at least try if I feel like it’s something you can handle. I know I’m a cocky bastard, no need to lie. Okay, but you’re walking straight into a hurricane, Charlotte Lennox. I just hope you understand what you’re getting yourself into. You just now noticed? Of course I do this on purpose. Fight me. I really don’t know if I should answer that question, you might not be ready for the answer. Wh-what? No way. Charlotte, I forbid you from dressing like a cop for anyone besides me. Dang, what haven’t you imagined me as? A mermaid? Because if you have a mermaid kink, this needs to end right now. Ah, yes, my only decent attribute. You didn’t even watch it, you watched me. What if I’m not teasing? It would only be unfair if I was having any effect on you. Which, judging by that reaction, I bet I am. Do you really think you should be saying that? That you regret it? I know I’d be pretty hurt if you walked around saying that about our first time together had it ever happened. I care, I just… it’s not my place to care, you know? I don’t want to be that guy that invades your personal situations and makes you uncomfortable or regretful about the things you’ve done. You think I went wrong? Are you kidding me, Charlotte? I just told you that I—you know what? Never mind, you’re right. I went wrong. Fine, let’s drop it. You mean this gesture? Oh, I’ll do it everyday from now on. Nah, you didn’t miss out on a thing. I’m here now, aren’t I? Take it, it’s not doing me much good anyways. I’ve basically turned into a girl while having this conversation with you, I lost that thing a long time ago.If you think a few stupid jokes will make me think of you as anything less than adorable, you’re wrong. I would think you were adorable even if you only spoke French to me for the rest of our lives. 

[byecharlotte]

But you shouldn't, so you won't. You'll just let it be. Something I can handle? Are you suggesting there are parts of your life I can't handle? If you were a cocky bastard I promise I would have called you out on it by now, I'm not shy. Willingly too, it's like i'm signing the imaginary terms and conditions. Ya see the crazy things you make me do? You're kinda evil Bell, you know that? No way, you always let me hurt you and then you make a big deal and guilt trip me into doing something I wouldn't normally do; I know your game and I'm not falling for it. You definitely shouldn't hold back! I can handle anything. You forbid me? That's adorable! I think just because you said that, I'll be sure to do it. No, no, as much as I love Ariel I haven't put that one into my mind, thanks anyways. But I know that you are, so. I--screw you, Landon. Quit messing with me. Yes, I do. You---you don't understand, okay?  If it had been you, there wouldn't have been anything to regret. I get it, but just because you "shouldn't" doesn't mean you can't. Nobody else in this world has the right to do that, but you do,okay? After everything we've been through, you have the right to put me in my damn place. I-I'm sorry, okay. I just--I don't even know what to say here because everything that comes out of my mouth is wrong. Oh. My. God. You are so difficult! That you are, that you are. Thank god. You're right, it's been in need of revoking for a while now. Oh shush, you have not. Having feelings doesn't make you a girl, it makes you human. That's a lie, because you had a crush on the French teacher since the day you met her, but you never once described her as "adorable". No the words were just a bit more crude than that, especially if you were around other guys. 

[landon-charming]

Well, it’s how I feel. I don’t need anyone to lean on, Charlotte, I’m f—just dandy. Thanks for the offer though. Maybe I could use a little self-loathing, finally knock my ego down a few pegs. I still am. A hot mess, I mean. I’m kind of a roller coaster of emotions, and I never really know who I’ll destroy in my next whirlwind. My goal has been reached then. That’s my favorite shade your cheeks turn, this burning red. Seeing you flustered is always a bonus, especially when you look at me the way you are right now. You say you don’t want to tell me anything, yet I know you added that little detail just to get me riled up. I’d like to lie and say I never thought of you in that way, but damn you’d make a sexy cop. And can you imagine me as a fireman? Psh, I’d be smoking. See, you’re not the only one with corny jokes. I know, I remember always having to watch your British shows. Oh, I know exactly what I was implying. Why shouldn’t I? You can’t handle the heat, Char? It’s true though, or I tell myself that to help dull the pain of the situation at least. I’m going to pretend that I don’t notice the timeline of that, okay? You, uh, don’t need to tell me that. It’s no big deal if you’ve slept with people, Charlotte. Stupid of me, I know, but I did it anyways. You’re right, maybe I should just go sleep with someone right now. Jesus, Char, you really don’t get it, do you? I did it for me, not you. I did it because I deserved to wait for whoever the hell I wanted to wait for. I always knew there was a possibility that you could’ve been with other people, but I still took the chance because I had some twisted idea of our fairy tale ending in my head. I don’t regret it, so there’s no need to make a big deal out of it. What’s done is done. Yeah, you lost out on a chance at having all this. I don’t, I’m just letting you know not to worry about it. Does it make me a bad teenage boy for being totally into it? Because I was. Yeah, it was pretty terrible, but adorable all the same.

[byecharlotte]

Alright, alright, whatever you say. Just know that from this point on you have me, and whenever you decide that that weight on your shoulders is getting a little too heavy, please do not hesitate to come to me, Landon. Please. Shut up, just shut up. I only tease you about being egotistical, it isn't a real thing. If you think that telling me that is gonna scare me away, you're wrong. You'll have to try a hell of a lot harder than that, Bell. Besides, being destroyed by something so spectacular doesn't sound like such a bad thing to me. You do this shit to me on purpose, oh my god, I'm going to kill you. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, that all depends on whether it worked or not. Well then, I know what I'm going as next Halloween. If we're out of here, that is. Can, have, and probably will again in the future. And suddenly I remember why i kept you around, you're punny. Oh shut up I watched the UK's Top Gear and never said a word just to get you to stop complaining. Landon Alexander Bell, you are a tease. I'm not even replying to that, because what you're doing right now? Not fair. I--okay. Of course I don't have too, I want too. I want you to understand that it was one time with one person that I have wished every single day hadn't ever happened. Maybe it isn't to you,  but it is to me, okay? It matters that you know to me, whether you care or not. Okay, alright I-I'm sorry. It's your life and I have no right to step in and tell you where  I think you've went wrong. I never wanted anyone else. Never.  Let's just drop it, then. I'm gonna ignore that horrid gesture under the condition that you promise to never, ever do it again. Make fun, but I did,  I really did. I'm a worrier what do you want from me. I think it does Landon. I think it does. I'm going to ask you to hand over your man-card for that one, sir. There are more horrible jokes and puns coming your way if you stick around, so you won't be saying that for long.

[landon-charming]

I-I don’t need anyone here for me, I’m fine. Even if it does, I’ll have no one to blame but myself. Oh, I’m sure dealing with my constant mood swings was wonderful for you. Wait, what? You fantasized about us—about me? Do you see this grin on my face? It’s the smile of a guy whose ego is being inflated. So, what were in these wild fantasies of yours, Char? There were scattered rose petals, huh? Maybe a nurse’s outfit? Oh gosh, this is sogoing to my head right now. You’ll regret ever having said anything. Okay, love. You’ve always had a thing for British terms, my little crumpet. You think me being speechless is a show? You should see you. I can take your breath away in more ways than one, promise. Think of it like what? Just stop apologizing, Charlotte. I can’t hold something you did… However long ago you did it against you. It’s fine. Besides, I knew it would happen eventually. You didn’t ruin anything, I cockblocked myself by holding out for a girl I had no chance with. It’s never been anyone’s fault but my own. Don’t pride yourself in ruining something you has no part in. Yeah, you were, and it still makes me feel slimed to admit that. Oh god, Sophie has forced me to watch that show before. You need some betters jokes there, dear.

[byecharlotte]

Fine is not a feeling, and no one who says they're fine is actually fine because, as I said, not a feeling. Everybody could use somebody, but I'm not here to push you into anything. Maybe so, but blaming yourself is a painful game. Nothing hurts more then when you screw yourself over, it ends in self-loathing and then you have to learn to forgive yourself and it's just one hell of a mess. It was wonderful, because it was you. You were a hot mess, but you were my hot mess. Oh my god Landon! Stop it! This is why I never tell you a damn thing because Jesus Christ, my cheeks are on fire. Oh, and just so you know, you make a hell of a military man in my head. I already do Bell, I already do. I can't help it, I've always been an anglophile. My television never leaves the BBC network. Landon Bell, that is quite the statement your making and it comes with a lot of implications in case you weren't aware. Sure you should be saying things like that? Like I made some decision, that we weren't meant to be, anything and everything along those lines. It's....misconstrued, the whole thing. I-I can't! I  almost just apologized for apologizing, seriously. Just about two years, Landon. And no one since, I swear. I never wanted it to, you know. Not with anyone else, at least. You--you were holding out? For me? I didn't deserve that from you, I still don't. If anyone lost their chance, it was me. Not you. That's not what I'm trying to do--you make it sound like I've found joy in your misery. I hate that you feel that way, I hate it. I can't even keep up with it, honestly. I am such a bad teenage girl. I'm working on it, but in case you don't remember my sense of humor is and always has been pretty awful.

[landon-charming]

I request at least half of the blame to be cast on me. Sometimes I already feel broken, Char. I imagine me as the plaster I’m cracking, the wood of the door I’m splintering. You know I can’t say no to you, not when you say it like that. I’ll try my best, alright? That I can promise. I don’t know how to talk, not anymore. I just want to keep things to myself from now on, it’s easier that way. I’m glad you know me, Char, I really am. I think she was hoping I would just be upset because people could see through my door, but in all actuality I actually enjoyed it. I could say the same to you. I mean I basically just told you that I wanted to have sex with you, and I honestly wish I knew where the hell that came from. I probably shouldn’t have said that, and I know it, but I did and it was meant for only you to hear, so do me a favor and don’t tell a soul and I won’t spill your cheesy confessions either. So, I’m sticky? Don’t know if I should be flattered or appalled. But, uh, I think I get what you mean. You’re so quick to flatter me, and all I can say is ‘wow’. All I really know is that you made a…decision to do something that wasn’t meant to be with me, and I can’t really look at you any differently for that. I just wish it stung less.i have to admit, I was close. As in, really close, but I, um, I honestly thought of you and I had to stop myself. I’m a pretty liar apparently.

[byecharlotte]

You get an incredibly reluctant third as I'm not so sure you deserve it. Please...don't say that. I know I may be late, but I am here now and I want to be here for you in every way possible, if you'll let me. I was hoping so. That's all I can ask from you, but you have to try your hardest. I'd be a hypocrite if I said anything to you about it, but I can tell you that it may seem easier, better now. But in the long run, it bites you in the ass. Every time. It's been a privilege, Landon Bell. And I'm guilty of admitting to practically fantasizing about it. But don't let that get to your head, okay? It's a deal though, love. I meant it as a compliment, for what it's worth. You're fairly easy to flatter. and I must admit, leaving you speechless pleases me more than you'll ever know. I didn't decide on a damn thing. I....don't like to think of it like that. I know I already said it...but I'm sorry. I--you did? Landon....I feel bad for ruining things like that for you, but at the same time...you still thought of me. I was still on your mind. That means something to me, even if it shouldn't. A pretty little liar. Alright I was sorry for that joke as soon as I said it don't look at me.

[landon-charming]

Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault. I-I’m a mess, Char. I can’t just say things, instead I have to bottle everything up until I burst. I feel invincible at four in the morning when I’m half asleep, I really do. I feel like anything said in the cover of night is safe, almost like a secret. I’m sorry you ever had to see those versions of me, truly I am. Mom was always so pissed when their was a new hole in the wall. Remember that time I kicked a hole though the door? She left it there for months just to spite me. The truth is all I ask of you. Can I write these things down? Because that was cute. No matter how hard you try to convince me otherwise, I’ll never believe it. I mean, I try not to, but I also have to uphold some expectations, you know? I’m a total cliche, but if it makes you happy I’m okay with that. …Taken? I really don’t know what to say right now. You don’t need to apologize, Char, I just… Wow. It’s surreal to imagine you with some other guy. Actually it makes my skin crawl and my blood boil, so I’m going to need to stop now before my wall gets damaged. I don’t want you to think of me as a liar. 

Then start acting like one. 

[byecharlotte]

Yes it is. We both know it is. Maybe not entirely, but for the most part, I take the blame. Landon...you have to stop. You have to stop doing that to yourself, because one day you'll break and no matter how you try to rearrange the pieces you'll never be whole again. So stop, if not for yourself then...for me? Talk to me. Please, never apologize for being the realest person I know. You have everyone else beat, I have never known another person as I know you, not even the parentals. You didn't really learn a lesson and it looked kinda trashy, so she pretty much lost there. That's what I'm trying to give you. Even if you do please know that I will deny it with everything in me if you ever tell a soul. These words are for your ears only, mister. This is one of the rare times I feel your stubborn nature will come in handy.  Do you even know yourself, Bell? You are an original, one-of-a-kind. You don't come across people like you every day, and you're kind of like those Sticky Hands you could buy from a toy machine. You just...stick with a person. And even when you're gone, there's still something left that you can't really get rid of. That's not my best analogy, I know, but it's the best way I can explain what you've done to me. Yeah..yeah. Yes I do, I do because I know what you think happened and I know what you must think of me now and I hate knowing that you might not look at me the same now. I--me too. When I thought that you were with a girl that way I felt sick. I still do, honestly. You're not, normally. But I understand that sometimes we prefer a pretty lie over the ugly truth.

Okay.

[landon-charming]

That’s because you make it impossible to believe! You’re right, I do analyze myself, and if you did too you’d agree with me. So what if I do? Some things are better off left unsaid. I still would, you know. I’d burn the entire world down if it would make you happy. I’m just going to shut up then, okay? Because yeah, it hurts. I hurt a lot right now. I’m going to hold you to that, Charlotte Lennox. I obviously need a new deck then, because I think how we ended up is bullshit. I think sex comes with a lot of emotional attachment, and I’m not really ready for that with anyone else. I guess it’s not supposed to hold as much meaning for a guy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hold certain views for it. I at least want to be with someone I love, I know that. I’m really glad you just said that. In fact, I don’t think you’ll ever understand how happy it makes me to hear that. Are you saying… are you saying you’ve slept with someone before? I-I wanted it to be us. Oh my god, I thought that would be me. I’m truly shocked right now, I—wow. We’ve always known I was a bad liar, but it’s never stopped me before.

Shut up, just shut up. Grow up and stop playing the victim all the time, okay? I’m trying so, so hard to be here, but god you make it hard. I’m not going to sit around and be called an asshole when I’m just trying to knock some sense into you. 

[byecharlotte]

Well, sorry you can’t just take my word on things. Sorry we got so fucked up we can’t even believe each others words anymore. Are you suggesting I haven’t? Landon, who the hell are you kidding? Last time I checked I was one of the only people in this world that knew 4 in the morning Landon who poured his heart out  with no hesitation. I also knew the one who would sit in silence letting the anger build up then spontaneously punch a hole in the wall a spit out all his feelings at once, and  then apologize for his actions. The only one who saw every side of you good and bad, and I stuck the hell around for all of it, might I add. If anyone has had the chance to “analyze” you, it’s me, and I still can’t find a damn thing wrong. Wish I felt that way. Instead, I think I owe it to 15 year old Charlotte to start telling you the truth. And I’d still take an hour with you than a billion days without. That’s your own choice. As you should, because I’m sure I’ll try to convince you otherwise. I couldn’t agree more, Landon. Complete and utter bullshit. Don’t give in to that “you’re a guy so you should feel a certain way” bullshit, that’s why the majority of the male population annoys me. I hate how they all force themselves into this mold of what a man, it’s..well, shitty. I’m glad it means more than just something physical to you, really. I—It…it was taken from me, y-yeah. I-I did too Landon! I still do, so so much. I’m so sorry Landon, I am so so sorry, you don’t even understand. I never wanted it that way, I have wished for so many re-do’s, but life doesn’t work that way. I have always wanted and imagined it to be you, and it kills me that it wasn’t.  This is true, you continue to try to lie to my face. But I’ll always call your bluff.

Is that what you think I’m doing? Playing victim? I can’t even believe you’d say that. You know what, fuck you. If I wanted to play victim I wouldn’t have held everything in. I’d have my story on the front page of the newspaper, I would have let out my tears in the classrooms and the lunch table instead of in the supply closet, I would have told everyone everything if I wanted a pity party, and I probably would have gotten it. Instead I kept my chin held high and I kept it all in because the last thing I wanted was that pity and sympathy, and you have a lot of fucking nerve to accuse me of that. I’m not a fucking victim, I’m a survivor.

[landon-charming]

So that’s what it is, a waste of breath? Okay, Charlotte, whatever. I-I’m not perfect, don’t say that. Why do you have to tell me all of this now? Why not two years ago when I was head over heels for you? You know, I really would have done anything for you, Charlotte. Anything. And god, if I hadn’t been such a dipshit and just told you that, we could have been so great together. Even if you won’t believe it, I’m not going to make you leave me. I want you here. I do it because, believe it or not, I do still really care about you. Even if it seems like I don’t, I do, I’m just too big of an idiot to tell you. You say that a lot, that you have me on your mind, I mean. It’s whatever, I can’t change anything now. Happiness isn’t something that can be forced, so I figured I wouldn’t waste my time convincing myself I was happy. Even now my feelings are still a mess, but I’m trying to untangle them as best as I can. I ended it as quickly and painlessly as possible, but I know both of us were still hurt in the end. You’re driving me nuts saying things like that, Char. I would give anything to be able to go back in time and just tell you how much I fucking loved you. Lisa thought she loved me, but I knew I didn’t love her, and I didn’t want us to do something we’d both regret. I don’t want to do anything like that unless I am completely devoted to them, which I’d only ever devoted myself to one person. Relieved? Why would you be relieved? I’ll do that eventually, you know. It’s fine, don’t worry about it. 

You know what, Charlotte? I’m done. 

[byecharlotte]

Yeah, sitting here trying to convince you that it isn't and never has been your fault is a waste of breath because no matter how many times I say it or try to explain it you'll never believe me. But you are. Maybe you don't see it because you spend so much time analyzing yourself, but I've seen it since day 1. Nothing you ever do is gonna take that away. I-I don't know, I just feel...obligated. And you know what, I don't want to hear shit, you had and still have your fair share of unspoken words. I--Ditto. Anything in  the world. The fact is you didn't, and all we're doing right now is reminiscing on what could have been, and it hurts. Don't you hurt? I don't want you kicking yourself in the ass over coulda shoulda woulda been's. It's pointless. There were a lot of things we did and didn't do to get to this point, and it sucks, but it is what it is. You say that now. I care about you too, and I know I'm kinda horrible at showing it and really great at pretending that I don't...but I do. Whenever I say otherwise, know that I'm lying. You were. Still are, honestly. I'm sorry, I'll stop. I just...I thought you should know. It's one of those things I've known forever but never been brave enough to tell you. It just wasn't in the cards, Landon. You obviously kept it in for a reason. It's okay. I'm really glad you hold that mentality, because as cheesy as it is I do believe that it's something special. Once it's gone, it's gone, and it should matter. The person your with should matter, because they'll always have that part of you. I--I thought it'd be us. You and me, for the first time. That is so embarrassing to say, but. You're the only person I've ever wanted that way, I guess, and a part of me still holds on to that fantasy, even though it's impossible. Of course you will Landon, of course you will. You and I both know you don't mean that...but okay.

Can't say I'm surprised, I've been waiting for it.

[prettydirtylyingbitch-deactivat]

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[butsophie]

I think it would still be enjoyable either way. Just a little weird with people watching honestly. Tonsil hockey, oh my freaking god yes. Glad you all know, it makes it easy to buy me presents. All you gotta get me is nail stuff, it’s easy! I probably have, boys are great. Depends on the boy though. I’ve never seen him cry! I’ve only seen him, like, tear up. Everyone wants to see their older brother cry, it’s true. Ha, psh, no I am not speaking from experience. Psh, course not. Psssshhhhh. He’ll just get overly cocky if he thinks about it too much, yanno? He really is, it’s kind of weird. Like, he looks like a huge macho guy but then all of a sudden it’s like, nope, he’s a tear sack. Yeah, I know what you mean. Oh, you would definitely not screw things up. If anything, you would make things better. I’m positive everyone would love to have you come back, I know I would love to have you back. I’m not saying no, I’m saying yes, so you can’t be out. You must be in! I don’t even know what I’m saying. But, yes, please come back to the team. Oh man, that must have been terrible. Once we get out of here, we’re going to get our nails done, okay? I tried therefore you can’t judge me.

[byecharlotte]

Ew, no, Sophie. It takes two to tango and that's the number it should stay at, just two. Wow, by the sound of that I'd say it's been a while for someone. Same girl, same. You are pretty easy to please, truthfully. Most definitely. I kind of stand against people as a majority, so. But I will admit that they're nice to look at. Usually it all gets ruined when they open their mouth, though. So glad I don't have a sibling who finds joy in my sorrow. Uh-huh, that's a lot of 'psh'-ing Soph. I'm onto you, you know. But I won't pry, because I believe eventually you won't be able to hold it back and you'll just blurt out the truth to me as usual. Yeah, total--Did you just call him a "tear sack"? Amazing. That is his new name, we shall never call him Landon again. It made sense to me, and I am so relieved because I really have missed it. Sophie...we're gonna be cheer sisters again! Yay, yes, it has been such a long time. That's fair, that's fair. So, I have to confess, I was totally surprised to see you on this trip. Your brother I sorta expected, but you? No, I didn't see that coming. No offense, but I didn't take you as someone who cared to be on Big Bear Mountain. So you gain a sudden interest in the outdoors, or is there some alternative motive here?

[getgrahamcrackers]

Look at you being the big spender, whoa. Sounds like you have a ton of gifts already lined up for the upcoming years.

[byecharlotte]

I know, you don't have to tell me. No expense is too much for dear old daddio. You know me so well, Troy. You're not wrong; I've got big plans for a whole lot of nothing, year after year.

[landon-charming]

You don’t know that. I trust—I want to trust you. I don’t think we should be promising each other anything if we can’t fully trust each other. So, uh, maybe we will, maybe we won’t. But I think we both need to work on trusting ourselves before we can even begin to trust each other fully again. I need to, at least. See, but I can’t know that, Charlotte. We’re literally just talking in circles right now, and we always come back to this. I think we’re making progress, and suddenly you’re building your walls back up. So yeah, I do think it’s my fault that you’re acting this way, and I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me to make me think any differently. Give it your best shot though. In too deep? What does that even mean? C’mon, Char, we both know I’m not the genius here. Oh hush, it’s not like I’m some body builder now. I just got into better shape, decided my natural muscle wasn’t enough. Charlotte… listen to me. You are not dark now, and you never will be. Whatever sick, twisted idea of yourself you have running through that beautiful mind of yours needs to vanish, because I’m not going to sit here and listen to you repeatedly demean yourself. Whether you want to be or not, you’re still radiant. At least, in my eyes you are. Uh, you’re welcome, I guess. Wow, Char that’s, uh, that’s. Fuck, that was really cheesy, but I really appreciate it. And I’ll continue to be embarrassing until you’ve finally had enough of me. That’s the thing, I wasn’t happy. Lisa was such a sweetheart, but she couldn’t make me happy. We’d talk for hours and do stupid cheesy couple stuff together, but I never truly felt comfortable with her, and my heart really wasn’t in it. I didn’t know I felt that way either. In fact, I’m still not sure if it was even true. But when you’re sixteen and your kind of-girlfriend ditches you, you tend to act a little impulsively. And one of my impulsive decisions was to tell my actual girlfriend I loved someone else. Was it the right thing to do? Probably not, but I did it anyways. Besides, she was big in to partying, so if we hadn’t broken up that would probably still be my lifestyle. She was always trying to seduce me too, so that was a downfall. We truly don’t. Seems to me like you weren’t so quick to answer the question yourself, girly. Charlotte, look me in the eyes when I say this because I will only say it once. I have never slept with a girl in any sense besides actually sleeping. And you have no reason to hate yourself. Char… what the hell did he do? Yeah, I can accept that. It’s none of my business anyways. 

Don’t tell me that. Don’t tell me all about the butterflies and how you miss the old us and then turn around and say I’m going to walk away from this all. Have you not been listening to a word I’ve said? I’m not going anywhere. If I was interested in dropping everything because of some delusional, self-consciously driven idea you have, do you really think I would have stayed this long to talk to you? That I would have repeatedly told you how much I fucking worship you? I get that the past two years have been pretty suck-tastic for you, Charlotte, but they haven’t exactly been peachy for the rest of us either. You’re so terrified of letting someone in, so stuck on the idea that you don’t need to rely on anyone but yourself, and all you’re doing right now is just pushing me further and further away. At the rate you’re going, one day you’ll end up alone and miserable. This time though, there will be no one else to blame, because no matter how many times you try to say you blame only yourself for walking away from everyone you loved two years ago, I know that’s a damn lie. And I guess now I look like the asshole for calling your bluff, but I guess that’s what happens. I don’t want to get played, Charlotte, not again. Right now I think you’re living only to beat yourself down, tell yourself you aren’t worth a shit, but I think if you really opened your eyes and realized that there are people around who love you, you’d cut the crap. 

[byecharlotte]

Fair enough. I couldn't agree more. I don't mean too, I don't want to waste your time I just--it's hard. No, you know what, I shouldn't waste my breathe. Chances are it won't make a difference. I obviously felt strongly about you before, but I was by some miracle able to ignore those in order to do what I thought was right. But they lasted for over two years and came back ten times stronger. I am so attached to you, I can't ever break that again. The only way I'm going anywhere is if you make me. Just so you know...you were perfect to me then, and you're still perfect now. Down to the last detail. No one else in this world sees me that way, no one but you. And I don't know why in the hell you do...but I am so damn grateful for it; for you. Given how much time I've spent with you on my mind I'm fairly certain that that isn't possible, I'll never get enough. I am sorry to hear that Landon...I mean it.  We were barely teens after all, I get it. I haven't really sorted out my feelings either. You'd be in the wrong if you were to lead her on. I'm speaking from experience here, it doesn't take much time to fall for you and it's best if you end it as soon as possible, because each day you fall harder and harder. I can't believe you didn't give in. I mean, I believe that you, but still. Anyone else would have said yes to her in a heartbeat. It's kind of exhausting, actually. Okay, alright, I believe you. As unfair as it is for me to say...I'm a little relieved. But I couldn't blame you if you had, and I wouldn't. I'm sorry, Landon...I really am.

--You know what? You're right. You are completely, 150% right. You are an asshole.

[butsophie]

I could never be an actress, even if I really wanted to. I would fail so miserably if I was an actress, it makes me so sad. Hey! I love my nail polish. If I act like a grown woman, make sure you tell me cause high school boys do not like grown women that look like 16 year olds. And I gotta impress boys. He cried!? And I missed it!? I am so upset, that must have been the funniest thing. He’s always had a soft spot for you, it’s weird and I don’t know how to feel about it. I mean, he totally thought he was a hot shot, but he was pretty good. He didn’t completely suck, but he wasn’t the star player he thought he was. Yeah, some add stress, but then… there are some guys that just make you forget about every stressful thing ever and they make you forget every bad thing in your life and… yeah. I don’t really think I want to know if Landon did anything to him, cause if he did then he probably did something very bad. I like when he plays the big brother role, but don’t tell him I said that. I told him he was my hero the other day and he got all sappy on me. Sassy grandmas are the best grandmas. Maybe she’ll give all her stuff to you, that would be cool. I’m glad she doesn’t let them take advantage of her either, that’s good. Wow, don’t act conceited, I’m kidding, don’t worry. Oh, well, thanks, Lottie. I tried holding down the fort pretty well. Really!? Oh, please do! I would be the happiest girl ever if you came back to the team! I think we all would be super happy, yes, I’m excited. Wait, really? Aw, Lottie, that’s really sad and makes my heart hurt. I’m so sorry you had to do the dishes, you must have chipped so much nail polish. Right, sorry! Your life sounds boring, but it most definitely is not boring.

[byecharlotte]

Awe no reason to get sad, acting is overrated anyways. The biggest benefit is the scenes with hot actors, but I'm guessing those aren't too enjoyable when you've got a crew of 50+ watching you play tonsil hockey. We know Soph, trust me, we know. Oh my, I think you may have gotten even more boy crazy than you were before. Well I solemnly swear to tell you when you're acting overly mature, though I don't think you should worry about impressing them. They're teenage guys; you can basically wrap them around your finger with just a look. Sophie, that's horrible! But I guess it isn't so horrible to see a guy cry when it's your big brother. Yeah.....ditto. No matter what, a big head can really ruin things. Soph....are you speaking from experience? In any event, when you find someone like that, never let them go. You'll regret it almost every day. Of course not, he doesn't need to know that, it'll encourage him too much. God, he's just one big sack of sap and cheesiness. Agreed. Yeah, I guess that would be nice, but it doesn't really make a difference to me. That's not what I'm there for, you know? Are you sure? I mean I don't just want to barge in and screw things up. If you don't want me there it's totally cool, you can say so and I'm out. No reason to be sad.  I did, unfortunately! And no one was there to get it fixed with me, it was horrible. Thanks, I think? At least you tried.