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crying again just by looking at the pictures

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first day at primavera sound and i've already been to one of the best shows of my entire existence. that being a two hour and a half Current 93 set most of which i spent sobbing like a baby. when A gothic love song started playing after Imperium V… some feelings cannot be put into words

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we got home and he sent me this one. perfect

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just had a very the Great Beauty / stendhal syndrome moment aimlessly biking and chatting with a friend around an empty turin at 6am on our molly comedown. at some point we ran into a friend of his who was also on molly and on a bike. was like a lucid dream

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slept very little and woke up to his text. i don’t know what to do. i can’t give in now. maybe i should be angry for not having my boundaries respected? i know i should. but i’m not able to.

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it has occurred to me after lying restless until 4:30am torturing myself over all sorts of things that i still have two near full bottles of valium in my drawer i haven’t touched in over a year. it was that easy all along

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i asked him not to text me because it was painful so he stopped. but this is also painful. i could stop the pain if i wanted. but i have to get through it. i have to get through it. i have to

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no shade to my housemates but im so tired of having housemates like it's not my fault i tasted heaven (a place of my own) and now i have to live in a constant purgatory. i love my room btw my room is sacred. although i should make it more like myself

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living above one of the busiest streets of the city i know what Ocean Vuong meant when he said loneliness is still time spent with the world

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with that said i consider myself done with introspection for now and tomorrow i might just go dance and do molly to balance things out

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think i've just realised that my main issue for the past two years and probably the reason why i can't read books anymore is that all my energies have been directed outwards and not inwards

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sometimes when i feel a very specific kind of sad and need some immediate comfort, i'll try and reconnect to my younger self and i usually do that by listening to old shitty pop songs, watching early youtube vids, going through family pictures… you know the deal. anyway i'm not sure what train of thoughts led me to this but i just googled stardoll to see if it was still a thing and not only it does exist, but i managed to type in my correct login details at the first try after 18 years. apparently there was a blog section i used to post on when i was in eight grade. i had no memories about writing all that stuff, which makes me wonder how much of my internet presence is still out there with me being barely aware of it or no longer able to access it (i was also on forums a lot and on almost every single late 00's/early 10's social media platform). on the stardoll blog i would share bad poems i wrote, complaints about school, dedications to friends, yearnings over my unrequited crush, paramore lyrics... any random thought that would cross my mind really, i didn't even bother to censor names. unearthing those tiny relics of a life past and recalling faces and places and feelings that would otherwise have been lost forever in the creases of time and memory was exactly like when the algorithm feeds you that song you had not thought about in two decades and you realise you still know it by heart. and i keep reading the blog and i cringe so much and i want to hug her cause she was a baby, so unaware of the world, trying to make it seem like she had a clue. and she was just like me. "despite everything, it's still you". here is the comfort i was looking for

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breaking news: i did my groceries, or at least half of it since i couldn’t physically carry more and was still feeling sick and flimsy. could go to a dj set later but i kind of want to just curl up in bed and watch six episodes of Girls instead.

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also my best friend has been ghosting me since Tuesday— which i’d be normal about if i was not in a bad mental state already besides strongly suspecting this sudden and unusual disappearance to be related to the fact he’s with his girlfriend who probably hates me whether she is aware he had to bring my drunk ass home where i threw up in his sink and slept in his bed last weekend or not

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i put some light makeup on and went out in the sun which is what i had longed for all week… after 20 mins i had to run back home because i was shitting my pants