I don't speak, I'm sorry.

But alors you are French?!

[caaaaam]

Hi Tumblr, I did a thing. Watch it!

(Self-Portrait #1 here)

[caaaaam]

'theresnotdegrees'

I remember it so clearly- I was 14, and I was about to go back home, take the train and leave that awful hippie place where I had been lost for a week, in the middle of all those other 14 years old I couldn't relate to anymore

I had spent the night crying, I can't remember exactly why, I just remember the frustration, and the shame, the judgement of others, the deep incomprehension as to why I just wasn't one of them anymore

I was on the beach I think, I am not sure, I may have just dreamed that part, but the conversation happened, maybe in the room, maybe on the balcony, but I think it was on the beach

Luna sat next to me and told me there was 'degrees of pain'

and I saw red. 

I was so furious I could barely talk to her, and I remember thinking about it that whole summer, Luna and her 'degrees of pain', and it made me so so mad

I never really knew why. I was never friends with them again.

somehow Skylar finally explained it to me- maybe I can start letting this one go, over ten years later.

thank you.

[caaaaam]

there's this song I'd love to hate- and that I actually hate, because of what it says, because of how it disses at women I actually like from afar but...

there's those two lines

go hard 'til I OD,  I'm the newest version of the old me

and I can't tell you exactly what it is but... it moves something in there. 

(sometimes I wish I didn't have such a crappy taste in music but do we ever have a say in what we fall for?- funny thing I remember how my childhood best friend would remark, with a hint of jugement, that I always listen to music on repeat just for a few seconds in the song- guess I truly only am the newest version of the old me)

[caaaaam]

underestimating how upset rewatching 'Amen.' will make me, check.

(I can't stress enough how important I think those movies are though)

[caaaaam]

too entranced in my own little drama, I ignore the best I can the rest of the world- the rest of the news

I stay as far away as I geographically am- 

I mean, why does it matter that much, the muppet show that is politics lately in France?

but then it takes one night, and one thought too much to turn on some kind of news that aren't really news but it's better than nothing and...

like every time, it's a free fall from a ten stories building, and I want to be sorry, and I'm saying out loud 'but I didn't know, I just didn't know'

how is it that we still feel like we belong somewhere even after a couple of year not actively being there?

because there's so many things happening right now, in the world, and too often I forget to pay attention because my own little drama here in California seems like it's so much already when really... it's nothing

instead of knowing and learning and living a little in it everyday, I wait and wait and wait and when I cannot ignore anymore, it all pours out of the TV

et j'ai tellement, tellement les boules

[caaaaam]

#regram @ashlendzion // Horrible Parents premieres at the Napa Film Festival in November!!

[caaaaam]

It's late again and it's social media again And I don't know if I should cry of relief or cry of sadness- for what used to be (and let's be honest, if it is not, it probably wasn't working) or for what still is it's such a sad relief- not to be a part of it anymore but still it's sad. How old do we have to get to get over things efficiently and promptly?

[caaaaam]

At night I often find myself tired. My erratic sleeping patterns could be easily explained by my fear of bugs (really, those cockroaches are insane California) crawling on my walls or maybe the 'explorer' feature on instagram. At night I am at the end of my rope and I lose hope, for a brief second- I build a whole world with 'what-ifs' and none of them include any good outcome to my current waiting state- not being able to work is a slowly way to kill everything within yourself. At night I find myself impatient- for what's supposed to come, for what hasn't yet. For the last few weeks I've had this sentence stuck in my head- 'stop comparing your beginning to someone else's middle' I try really hard to remember this when I step next to any of those people but it's hard- especially at night. Good thing I do get up in the morning feeling a little fuller than I did a few hours prior with thoughts like 'you'll hustle and this will be your year' (curious how every year is supposed to be your year until it is, uh?). Good thing I do wake up.

[caaaaam]

My new video 'California Love'!

Like the Californian Bears, help California Stay Golden!

[strayer-deactivated20161014]

Success means different things for different people, that’s why we’ve started “The Success Project,” a new initiative to break down the perceived barriers that keep individuals from succeeding in their personal and professional lives. Join in the conversation – we want to hear from you! See more on Strayer Buzz.

[caaaaam]

A while ago, as an 'acting exercise', I had to answer the question 'What does success feel like? What does success look like?'

On the day it was due I stayed home, sick, so afraid of not having the right answers.

But I had ready to be printed out two pictures- one of two persons in love even though they seemed to not know it, both wearing immaculate white, smiling and oblivious. They both look down to something or someone and are caught mid expression without loosing any of their beauty. 

Another one is one of the person of that first photograph with child- I can't begin to describe how much this picture moves me. (thank God for strangers on the internet posting pictures of their happiness)

The last one was of a hug between me and a make-believe ten years old version of myself, as the subtitle read 'take care of yourself'. As a promise to this young child who'd grow up to be me. 

I wish I was in a place with myself where I could share and show proudly those pictures. I am not, but I am confident I will be eventually. 

Of the few hidden files on my computer those are the ones I am attached to the most and yet the ones I fear the most- for they could be discovered or stay as what they are- files in a hidden folder. 

(insight from the whatsuccesslooks/feelslike folder)

[caaaaam]

Skype sessions with the other side of the world- always stuck at 'connecting' #expatlife

[caaaaam]

#iwokeuplikethis

[caaaaam]

sometimes I worry I'm just too late- missed my chance kind of thing

although there might not have been a chance to have in the first place- it just feels that way

(and I'm still looking for a translation for 'rater sa vie' (I found 'failing at life' but it lacks the sense of actively letting things pass us), thus being a very French concept it is still a very present irrational fear- maybe other feel it too)

[caaaaam]

There are so many bears in my life right now. Let me introduce you to Golden. He's sweatheart.

[caaaaam]

The new Ash Lendzion's shortfilm 'Horrible Parents' starring Heather Morris, Ash Lendzion, Larisa Oleynik and John Weselcouch and shot by yours truly! Coming this fall!

[letterstomyfirstunbornchild-blog]

my dreams look like watercolors distilled scenes from a future life- order et beauté luxe, calm et volupté domesticity, everyday life companionship blonde locks, everywhere, in a crib, in my bed maybe a furry friend of two and organic vegetables deliveries and an electric car in the driveway and her, her, her ————————————————————— but here here here on a path sizzling near the abyss oh so intriguing and tantalizing because why not jumping and falling if this path isn’t going anywhere? if there’s no blond locks? no organic deliveries? no electric car? no her? I like to think I’d rather die in the same thought I miss the others and crying in my sleep, I pray all I ever want is  (to have it all figure out)

[caaaaam]

I find it funny how people react to my little exile- all of them, always, surprised by the ambition, bluffed by the courage to go by myself...

and then...

and then I wish whoring the internets wasn't such a valid occupation nowadays because all the lives of these others, displayed more or less perfectly through the screen, makes it hard to come to terms with our own decisions-

makes it hard to see the courageous and the ambition

it just shows all the voids we should attempt to fill

I still wonder what would have happened if my 13 years old self was still following best-friend-of-these-days

maybe she is, somewhere- I wonder if she's happy

(but I know I will)