Letters To My First Unborn Child @letterstomyfirstunbornchild-blog - Tumblr Blog

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1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

A., 8 years old to cross the street.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

A strange mixture of both.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Home.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I'd think so.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

No.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

The inaccessible ones.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

One would hope.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

My Dad.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Not anymore.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

I don't remember.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

'Yeah, sure, good thing I checked :) we'll do that then!'

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Alt J- * Intro * Arrival In Nara * Choice Kingdom

Bombay Bycycle Club- * Luna

Echosmith- * Cool Kids

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

I don't let anyone play with my hair.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Kinda feel like I have to?

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Cool work :)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Sure.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Wouldn't it be cool?

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No. Facebook stalking is another story though..

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Hell yeah.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Hating is an understatement when it comes to them.

21. What are you bad habits?

Of course.

22. Where would you like to travel?

Home

23. Do you have trust issues?

...

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Nothing these days

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

The general area people see

26. What do you do when you wake up?

I check my emails... worst habit ever.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

No.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

People I'm currently missing dearly without having any intention to reconnect with.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Hum.. not directly.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

yeah..

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Currently yes. About to cut it though.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

People I wouldn't dare calling in here.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

gfhndeza

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Does running after an 8 years old count?

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Without TV.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Ahah yes.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I try to fill the void- although, more and more, I try to find solace in silence. If there's nothing to be said... maybe being quiet is the best option.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Can see I.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Target, duh.

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Oops, finished high school already and, shocker, some days I would go back.. but only for one day.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

YES.

42. If you're being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Usually that something rubbed me the wrong way.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

I try to.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Ouh neither. Too scary.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Something to do.

46. What are you paranoid about?

The future.

47. Have you ever been high?

Mmmh.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Sure.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Just some half truth- nobody likes to see how much one cares these days.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Grey.

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

When I was younger, yeah.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My pessimism.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Nars.

54. Favourite store?

I thought we already went through this? Target.

55. Favourite blog?

loveyourchaos

56. Favourite colour?

Pale pink.

57. Favourite food?

Cheese.

58. Last thing you ate?

Lentils.

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Pumpkin waffles.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Probably horse riding.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Talking back.

62. Been arrested? For what?

Nope.

63. Ever been in love?

Everyday of my life.

65. Are you hungry right now?

Pretty much a constant state.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Not really.

71. Craving something? What?

Belonging.

72. What colour are your towels?

Light purple, grey, dark blue.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

three...

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

one :)

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Here? A couple.

75. Favourite animal?

Stag

76. What colour is your underwear?

Pink.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Passion fruit.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Dark pink stripes on light pink

80. What colour pants?

grey

81. Favourite tv show?

Buffy.

82. Favourite movie?

Right now 'Amen.'

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls!

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Ms. Sharon Norbury

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Dory

87. First person you talked to today?

My Mom

88. Last person you talked to today?

My Mom

89. Name a person you hate?

My neighbors.

90. Name a person you love?

Kids.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

My neighbors.

92. In a fight with someone?

I have a thing for burning bridges.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Two.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Three or four.

95. Last movie you watched?

The 101 Dalmatiens.

96. Favourite actress?

It's a tie between Nathalie Portman and Charlotte Gainsbourg.

97. Favourite actor?

I love Ezra Miller.

98. Do you tan a lot?

Not really.

99. Have any pets?

Sigh. I wish.

100. How are you feeling?

Pretty down lately.

101. Do you type fast?

Yeah..

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

I'm too young for that shit.

103. Can you spell well?

Yes, considering.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Of course.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes!

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

I hope not really.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes :)

108. What should you be doing?

Working on stuff.

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Yes, waiting.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Unfortunately yes.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

A friend.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes.

115. Do you play the Wii?

No.

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yes- Alt-J, Choice Kingdom

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Yup.

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yes.

119. Favourite book?

His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Depends.

121. Are you mean?

I believe not.

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Sometimes.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hum... maybe, not for me though.

125. Do you believe in true love?

See 124.

126. Are you currently bored?

Not really.

127. What makes you happy?

Work.

128. Would you change your name?

No.

130. Do you like subway?

Hate it, but only because I took it so much for a few years.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Distance myself.

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

'Here's my station but if you say just one word I'll stay with you'

134. Can you count to one million?

Sure, don't really wanna though.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Probably something to get my parents to let me do something.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed, I have a roommate :)

137. How tall are you?

Average.

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Straight.

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Brunette.

140. Summer or Winter?

Summer.

141. Night or Day?

Night.

142. Favourite month?

Lately September but not this year.

143. Are you a vegetarian?

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

None

145. Tea or Coffee?

Tea

146. Was today a good day?

Don't know yet

147. Mars or Snickers?

Neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?

'They didn't know it was impossible so they did it'

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

No.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

-isfying answer, and falls somewhere between "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and "Is God dead?"

my love,

the ability to wait is a virtue, that I don't have- or I do, jus not all the time

and in the wait I have so many doubts, so many questions

my mistake is: they're all about me

because you'll find that most of the time, the person in front of you is doing the same

and nothing was, in fact, about you.

so, my love, be patient and be kind- and remember- it's not as bad as you think, ever.

Love,

my dreams look like watercolors distilled scenes from a future life- order et beauté luxe, calm et volupté domesticity, everyday life companionship blonde locks, everywhere, in a crib, in my bed maybe a furry friend of two and organic vegetables deliveries and an electric car in the driveway and her, her, her ------------------------------------------ but here here here on a path sizzling near the abyss oh so intriguing and tantalizing because why not jumping and falling if this path isn't going anywhere? if there's no blond locks? no organic deliveries? no electric car? no her? I like to think I'd rather die in the same thought I miss the others and crying in my sleep, I pray all I ever want is (to have it all figure out)

My love, I know it’s not Saturday, but I really wanted to write you today. I’ve been tossing and turning in my mind all day- there’s something coming up and absolutely zero time for me to think about it. I don’t know how to tell you- mostly because there’s not much to tell except my wild hopes and dreams. I mean, who has never dreamed to sweep someone off their feet? That would be great, wouldn’t it? To be enough and all that, lovable, sweet, funny and charming. To have them notice. Not to blew it. But will it be that way? How does one can stop being awkward being met with another awkward person? How can one sweep the other off their feet? I have a thousand questions and no answer- and it’s a full moon and I’m tired and a little whiny tonight, I am sorry. I’ve cried watching a video about moms tonight- I know the time between now and you is necessary, but I feel like I want to be at you already. There’s the lesson of today- learning to accept there’s a difference between the ‘know’ and the ‘feel’. I’m still struggling. And I love you so much. Your mom, T

My love, I haven’t written in awhile, (and yet every time I have to point to it- it’s just that) I’m sorry. It’s been a busy couple of weeks and I’ve seen people, no mother-to-be for you in sight but let’s not lose hope, will you? Also I’ve hung out with people that have been best friends since forever and… it must be nice, you know? Sometimes I wish I was still talking to my childhood friends. Or seeing them. Or moved to the other side of the world with them. If I could choose I’d want that for you- to stay in touch with the people you grew up with. Not being a loner like your mama- maybe trusting life for a little longer than I did. I had an interesting read today- this: Life Advice for a Zero-Year-Old And the first advice is… Be kind. No exceptions. It will feel difficult at times, because others can be so cruel, but I promise you that karma is real and it will eventually come back to you tenfold. It may take almost 30 years, but there will be a moment in time where the world gives you everything you deserve. If you've been kind, there will be incredible people around to you celebrate with. And if I get to have you, I will mean that, thank God, the author of this list was right and- You can’t possibly imagine how much I hope she is. Your mom who loves you, T

My love, One day, someone told me never to let anyone convince me that what I want is out of my reach That I should be ashamed to dream that high- because the truth is, you may reach that high. And that high may not be as high as you thought it would be. I wish I knew how to turn off sadness and cravings. I crave other people’s company, and things take time here. Every new group of people I’m introduced to is the fleeting hope that I may not have to be that lonely anymore. Except it doesn’t seem to work that way here. Maybe I’m too different. Maybe your mom will understand that. I’ve been feeling homesick since the last time I went back home. two whole months of feeling like the life I have here is missing something. Your grand mother is not the most subtil of all when she tells me I need to find ‘someone’. What she doesn’t know is that every day I try to look around as I think ‘maybe it’s today I will meet someone who will change things?’ I don’t need a radical change. No. What I need is more like the introduction of a new color. Someone to make me forget how much I miss all those people I’m not talking to anymore. Because, my love, that’s the thing about life- the people come and go and you never know when it stops. I just want to settle somewhere. I envy them, you know? Those who have partners and babies to go home to. It feels too much like I’m only going home to brooding and loneliness. I was taking care of this little boy yesterday, taking him to Little League, feeding him diner, playing with him and... I found myself overwhelmed by how much peace it brings me. I can't help but feel like it’s for those moments that I live through the rest- when I feel like I have a purpose and I am useful. Taking care of him is what brings the most sense to my life lately, what keeps me sane.

So I can’t help but envy those who have their own version at home. Of sense. Of purpose. I can’t wait to figure that out so I get to meet you. With much much love. Your mom, T

my love,

I don't really know what to tell you tonight...

I've been trying to keep myself busy while I am going through a real introspection phase- well let me put it in words that you'll understand better

I am meeting some of my objectives- the silly ones, obviously, or you know, I shouldn't say that because they are big and crazy when I think about it from the 'sitting on my bed in my studio on the other side of the world thinking how great it would be to be doing that' perspective

I should stop doing that- calling things I really, really care about 'silly', as in to minimize their importance while I am literally dying inside.

I've always been fascinated by people missing their chance at happiness in their lives in movies, books, stories.

The idea that it is a possibility- make a mess of your life, fail, in the general sense

I don't really know what it means- I've just always been fascinated by it.

I think this is the story I'm trying to tell, through my characters- people seeking a way to make sure it never happens to them, that they don't pass the chance of making their lives a happy one

I feel like I'm torturing myself a little with such thoughts- like I don't think I qualify yet to fill the form that will allow me to say that yes, I made a mess of my life- I don't think I'm coming close even

But well, now that I'm meeting a few goals of mine and that I am going to have to confront myself with a situation that, I know, will let me more lost than anything-

Because you know the thing about getting what you had in your head to unfold in real life? There's a pretty good chance it won't happen the way you imagined it... I mean, sure, you could be happily surprised, but my European upbringing is making me think that this confrontation with the real world will be more painful than not, on the purely personal side- because I will have to accept that, as I already knew, my imagination doesn't get its crazy dreams streaming live into my life and the lives of others.

But, also, I may have a good surprise? Should I expect more for myself?

(there's a little voice that says 'have a little faith' and also 'be patient, who knows what can happen with time?')

but all I see is the clock ticking- and I worry

I'll probably worry a lot about you too- you don't worry, it just means that I love you,

Your mom,

My love, I have to remind myself more often than not that I need to trust the process- I feel like I’ve been telling you this a million times already, but it looks like I need the reminder- maybe you will too You have no idea how the perspective of your existence- the actual belief that, at some point, there will be a you potentially reading those words- keeps me going I’ve confronted myself with myself a little too much tonight- make believe is great but I think I wasn’t prepared for the way I’d feel watching other people saying my fears out loud The truth is, my character is as lonely as I am- and even if I joke about it, it hurts somewhere I’ve started missing everyone again- even the ones I don’t want to miss, at all. I guess I just wish things were different- they were different We spend so much time missing things. It makes me feel alive somehow- just terribly sad and lonely and hopping that this will end- that at some point someone, most likely your mom, will have me wrapped in a giant hug and will refuse to let go That’s just the thing- I can’t get this fear out of my head… what if this moment never came? I’ve waited a long time already and sometimes I wonder if it’s not just me, and maybe I should make peace with the fact that it won’t happen, not like that, that I shouldn’t dream too high (but look where it actually lead me, to dream that high- I’m almost where I wanted to be two years ago, isn’t it great?!) Should I keep dreaming, my love? I sure will be dreaming of you, still, no matter how lonely and sad I get. Your mom who loves you, T

My love, The beginning of the year is a hard time- as you can see, my letters are not as many as they used to be. I don’t want to start each one with an apology.. but here I am, apologizing again. The thing is, this ‘life in process’ I am living is taking a little toll on me- it’s hard not to be in control and not to have any way to buy myself some peace of mind. I’ve read somewhere that going to live abroad is supposed to be a calming experience because then you know you can survive only relying on yourself. It might be true but the truth is, I may not be there yet. I find living with my peers difficult sometimes, even more so now that I have to relearn the social codes and values of a new country. And who new a city that big could be that lonely? You see, this is the thing, you would think that people would want to be lonely together for a limited amount of time. But it looks like they enjoy it? I don’t know. I just haven’t found people I really connect with, and I miss it deeply. I’ve ever started to miss the crazy friends I had back home- those who were so toxic I put over 5,600 miles between us. But there’s a little trick- no matter how much I move forward, there’s this little thing laking in my life. I wish to sit with you one day to watch the movie ‘Into The Wild’. Spoiler alert, it ends with one of the best lesson you’ll ever be taught (and if you mother and I teach you well, you should have gotten this lecture already): happiness' only real when shared. This is why I’m craving another life, a life with you and everything that would go with it- I’d be really good at it, I think. Nesting. Making our home a home. Providing for the both of you. And loving you, indefinitely. One day we said. One day. And since this is how this new country I’m in works, we’re literally fueled by hope, then I’ll keep walking and hope for the little details of this life in progress to solve themselves with my walking, and running, and moving- now that I’ve started to move again. A late Saturday letter to tell you that I love you. Your mom, T

My love, sometimes I lose hope and I get hurt- and if there’s something I’d love to be able to keep you from, it’s being hurt but I also know it’s not healthy you should get hurt- because then you’ll know how it feels and you won’t subjects other people to the feeling, or I’ll teach you it’s not the way I’ve been deeply hurt several times in my life- mostly by people close to me but also by complete strangers because, you see, I have this tendency to dream and project and when a reality check forces me to reconsider… I fall to my knees. And I cry a little. No more than one night, if I can help it, then I must find something else, or focus on things healthier than obsessing over a dreamed situation the only dream I allow myself completely is one of you, here, beside me. Your mom who loves you each day more, T

My love, I have this repertoire of nice things to say, of nice things to do, of ‘one day…' I keep them for the person who’ll help me to create you one day. That’s why I named the folder just that ‘one day…' Some days that day seems oh so very far- and I’m sorry I didn’t write this path month, because I thought about you and I wanted to, but some months just don’t feel right… And then someone shows up. Someone that could be your other parent. Who is surely not. But it’s a possibility, there, in the back of my head, you know? And I imagine. I can tell you how our first date goes, how we fight, how we have to face obstacles, how we love each other no matter how many times we slam the door, how we finally find a way to be around each other, how we surprise one another, and finally, how we decide to have you and to raise you, somewhere (and sometimes there is a new fight there, but just a small one, for the sake of argument, because I’m pregnant and moody and I need someone to pick on and your other parent is there) This is where it usually stops- because then there’s you, and you’re so much a part of the both of us that I need this other person to materialize to be able to dream it But soon? One day. Your mom who loves you, even more in 2014, T

My love,

there is something oddly comforting in realizing that the people we once wished we could meet, be, interact with, the people who made it, have succeeded, got to do what the rest of us are fighting for..... it's oddly comforting to realize they were once like us.

Shopping at the same low prices stores where all the struggling artists in this town shop at- they used to wear the same $30 sweater we wear every day, they used to buy cheap accessories for a mismatched Halloween costume, they used to cruise the city in shitty old cars just like ours and pour their dream out to a pour soul the day they had their ego crushed one more time.

But they made it. They drive big or green cars now, they wear designer clothes and live in villas that gives them a view over the entire city. Or they're rich of another kind of currency, if they are smarter: people they can count on and share their new hopes for this new life with.

I often wonder 'will a newer car makes me happier? A new phone? A new laptop?' I try not to think about it when a voice inside of me is yelling 'YES!' because I know it's not true, I know the temporary good feeling of having something that works better than the old one is nothing compared to trying to build a life with people, because, my love, here's the only secret I can let you on at this time (because I'm not sure of anything else)- if something is going to save you it's the people around you. Yourself, sure, but you can't live alone- choose wisely, be good and love when you can.

'cause the one I'm watching closely, of those who have made it, are the ones with peoples in their lives- the genuine kind, the quiet ones- the most interesting ones.

One day we'll be joining them you and me.

Love, always

Your mom,

My Love, A couple days ago was Thanksgiving and for the first time I have spent it in the proper American fashion- in a household full of Americans with homemade traditional dishes. It was great and I am thankful I got to do something a little more like any other person in the US this year but it also made me miss my family and a time similar to this shared with them more, although I also realized something- There is nothing to miss. This Thursday was just another Thursday there, and going home would have made no sense (and cost money I don’t have when I am going to be flying for the Holidays in a few weeks). If I ever want to get this family feeling from Thanksgiving, I will have to build my own. I can’t wait to see a time come where I’ll share this moment with you- and the family I will have created to welcome you into the world. Love, Your mom, T

My love, Last night I spent a few hours chaperoning little kids doing an amazing job at pretending they were someone else. As the different crowds sat and watched them for a few minutes at a time, I sat there, proud as if they were my own, rediscovering the scene every time, or so it seemed. About two hours in, the people coming in were drunker and drunker and… at some point, a really drunk blonde girl sat right next to me. At a normal distance and completely flushed against me as some of her friends squeezed in on the bench. And all of the sudden… I was overwhelmed by her perfume. You will learn that certain senses are more important to you than others- everyone has its own preference, more acute one. I love and hate smells- it can gross me out as much as it can make my body shake. A familiar perfume and my entire body twirl, my lungs ache in this very strange way when you’re missing something or someone- like the air is suddenly poisonous and the mere intake of breath is like a promise to get more infested than before. I just couldn’t help it- she smelled like someone I miss terribly as much as I don’t miss at all. It made me uneasy for a moment but soon enough the little ones were taking the stage and before I knew it, it was over, the crowd left the room and I was back to attend to the kids, forgetting instantly my own thoughts to sooth theirs. It is funny, you will learn, how easy it can be to get lost in others and how alive and important you might feel when they let you do that- nothing is easier than to let go with kids though, and this is maybe why it’s when I am surrounded by them that I feel the most at peace these past few months. There’s been this terrible idea making rounds that it is possible to mess up your own kids and the eery concept of being a bad mother- not that I am going to be able to escape the thought I just wish I’ll be by then join in the journey of motherhood by someone who will remind me over and over again how much just loving you will be enough.. alongside with helping you shape your own person the best way possible. Someday it seems like it will be impossible to wait a minute more to meet you- some other days I am happy I get this time to figure myself out first. There’s nothing I’ve wanted that much that I never got before. I guess I should just learn to trust life a little. And just like with the kids- let it go. Your mom who loves you so much, T

My love, I never pictured myself as the girl looking at wedding rings and dreaming…. and here I am, tonight, with this web page open and beautiful rings on it for sale. Nothing I can afford, of course. Nothing tacky and expected- nothing you’re supposed to find anywhere But just… Rings. Promise rings. Engagement rings. Weddings rings. And I’ve been feeling strangely lonely these past few days, wondering if it was me or just if I had to give it a little more time- I don’t know, I still don’t have the answer, and I still feel lonely because it feels like nothing has changed but… Here I am. Looking at rings. Which I would never have done before. Something has changed- I guess it’s me. And it feels like there will be many other changes before you are here, but I should embrace them, as each one of them is a step clother to you. I love you, always, Your mom, T

My love, sometimes you can spend the entire day with people and when you get home, tired, happy with what you achieved that day, there’s this strong and weird feeling; kind of a little end of the world (maybe it’s an end in your world) you have to remind yourself that day that everything comes in its right time that it’s ok to feel lonely- that tomorrow it will feel ok again. Even if tonight, well tonight… it feels like the end of the world. even if it’s temporary, it sucks, so make sure you do one of the followings: - draw yourself an hot bath, hot bath can make everything feel better - order comfort food (the money is on the fridge) - watch your favorite movie or your next favorite one - get your best blanket and take your spot on the couch while you watch it - don’t go to bed too late and remember; people love you you’re worth every minute you’re enough you’re not too much and I love you let worlds collide, and end, and make you cry and laugh and hope and dance and sing and remember to call your mom once in a while I love you more than I ever though I would Your mom, T

My love, If you ever find a solace, like me, in taking pictures, I hope you'll find it in people's faces. When I take pictures of someone, I always try to find what makes them pretty to me, what moves me in them. Because, my love, there's always something if you look long enough. And you should apply it to yourself too- my generation is obsessed with image and pictures everybody is taking of themselves, cheap self-portrait of self(less) love. -I can't do it. Sometimes it is hard to find something in ourselves, so we have to go look in people we love, in their pictures. And I'm trying hard to see what I see in other people, what makes me find them beautiful even when they look like they're having a bad-hair day. And as I try, I see, something that look a lot like self love along the way. You can always come find me when you need a little pick me up- I'll show you all the reasons you have to love yourself for who you are and who you want to be. Because I already know, even if I haven't met you yet- you are beautiful. Your mom who loves you, T

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